On the early morning streets, a faint scent of fresh grass still lingered in the air, but the atmosphere around Kōichi and Kazuma was slowly growing warped and sinister.
Kōichi stared at Darkness-san's astonishing curves, so full they looked ready to burst through her Crusader's armor, then glanced at her pretty face, flushed red from shameful fantasies and even giving off faint puffs of heat.
Honestly, as a normal reincarnator, his reason was telling him to stay away from perverts. But his instincts were screaming something else entirely. This isn't a pervert. This is a heavenly gift. A living punching bag with a perfect body.
Kazuma had obviously come to the same conclusion.
The swollen side of his face twitched faintly with excitement. He quietly sidled over to Kōichi, bumped him with his shoulder, and lowered his voice.
"Hey, Kōichi. You saw that, right? That... that outrageous scale. I just made a rough estimate with my Adventurer's intuition. Armor that thick, plus that... ahem. Anyway, her defense is definitely monster-level. And more importantly..."
Kazuma paused, then showed a grotesquely wicked grin, his eyes turning dark and nasty.
"Did you hear what she said? She said she can take any kind of suffering or depraved order. You know what that means? It means from now on, we don't just have a powerful meat shield. When we're in a bad mood, we can also legitimately use her as an emotional dumping ground. We could even make her do some... heh heh heh, things that any normal girl would absolutely call the police over. And not only would she not get mad, she'd thank us through tears!"
Kōichi took a deep breath, fighting down the urge to grin, and answered in the same hushed tone.
"Kazuma, that is a truly scummy way of thinking. But... I was thinking the exact same thing. Just look at our team. Aqua's an idiot who only causes trouble, and Megumin's a chuuni who can only fire one shot a day. We really are missing someone who can soak up damage. And besides, if she wants to be abused that badly, then as her kind teammates, wouldn't granting her wish count as a good deed? It's a win-win."
With their backs to Chris and Darkness-san, Kōichi and Kazuma stood shoulder to shoulder, their shoulders shaking in unison as they let out the kind of kukuku laughter only villains make when plotting something.
"Um... you two?" Chris said, staring at their suspicious backs as a chill ran down her spine.
As the embodiment of the Goddess of Fortune, her intuition was telling her that these two were planning something extremely bad for Darkness-san, though Darkness-san would probably enjoy it.
"Ahem!"
Kōichi and Kazuma turned around at the same time, instantly switching to stern, aloof expressions with a trace of impatience.
Kazuma crossed his arms and looked at Darkness-san from the side with blatant arrogance, his voice as cold as if he were addressing trash by the roadside.
"So, you're Darkness-san, right? Chris may have recommended you, but our squad isn't some charity organization. Looking at you, aside from being fairly pretty and having a figure that's a bit inconvenient, are you actually useful? Let me make this clear. If you drag us down, I won't hesitate to throw you to those Slime monsters covered in tentacles as bait."
The moment she heard the words tentacles and Slime, Darkness-san's whole body trembled. A mist instantly rose in her sapphire-blue eyes, her breathing turned even more ragged, and she clasped both hands tightly over her chest, even letting out a faint moan.
"Ah... bait... tentacles... that slippery feeling of being wrapped up all over and unable to escape... ngh! Please! Please do that to me! No matter how roughly you treat me, I... I can endure it!"
Looking at Darkness-san, who seemed on the verge of collapsing on the spot, Kōichi sneered inwardly. Hooked. This woman is even easier to deal with than I thought.
He stepped forward, lifted Darkness-san's chin with his staff, and deliberately put on a disgusted expression.
"And as a Wizard, my spells don't exactly have eyes. In battle, if I accidentally hit you with a Fireball or Freeze spell, tear your gorgeous armor to pieces, and leave you exposed in that humiliating state right in front of everyone... could you handle that too?"
"Ugh...!! Th-that... the humiliation of having my armor stripped away by magic in front of everyone... ah! That's wonderful! This is exactly the kind of adventure I've always dreamed of!"
At last, Darkness-san couldn't hold herself up anymore. She dropped to one knee, buried her face in her hands, and let out trembling sobs of extreme excitement.
"...I regret this." Chris covered his face and took a few hopeless steps back. "I never should've brought you two together. Darkness-san, your dignity is completely gone, and you two... you two are truly the finest scum imaginable."
"Thanks for the compliment, Chris." Kazuma shamelessly gave a thumbs-up, then hauled Darkness-san, who was still practically in heat on the ground, up to her feet. "In that case, welcome to our Scum and Morons Squad. Come on, Darkness-san, we're heading to the Adventurers Guild. But before that, we need to introduce you to our equally eccentric Arch Priest. I'm sure the two of you will get along just great."
Kōichi watched Darkness-san's swaying figure as she followed obediently behind Kazuma, then glanced at her "illegal curves" bouncing nonstop with every step and couldn't help giving himself a mental thumbs-up.
Although last night's dream was terrifying, today's reality... seemed to be getting interesting.
Kōichi looked at Darkness-san, who was completely lost in her shameful fantasies, then at Chris beside her, whose face was full of relief at finally unloading this hot potato. Suddenly, a thought flashed through his mind.
Something's off. Very off.
As a Wizard determined to live well in this fantasy world, how could he possibly agree to a losing deal?
Darkness-san might have an illegal figure, but her personality was basically a walking weapon, at least on the psychological level.
As her close friend, Chris had definitely suffered because of her for a long time.
And now he was the one taking over this enormous problem. That was practically the same as helping Chris dispose of a pile of high-risk nuclear waste.
Kōichi abruptly stopped and held his staff out across Chris's path, a merchant's smile spreading across his face, one even more devious than Kazuma's.
"Hold it, Chris. I gave it some serious thought just now. Our party really does need a tank, but you've seen Darkness-san's condition for yourself. We'd not only have to be responsible for her safety in battle, we'd also have to constantly endure the kind of psychological shock that could shatter a normal person's sanity. Taking her along is basically risking our lives."
Kazuma truly was Kōichi's soulmate. He instantly understood what Kōichi was getting at.
He immediately wiped away his depraved grin and replaced it with a heavy, burdened expression that practically screamed I'm troubled, I'm suffering, I'm making a huge sacrifice, then let out a long sigh.
"Exactly, Chris. Just look at my face. And this is only from Aqua kicking me. If you add Darkness-san to the mix, with the way she could flare up anytime, anywhere, I seriously doubt I'll live long enough to see the day we face the Demon King. As her best friend, can you really bear to watch two pure, innocent boys like us die young under a burden this heavy?"
"Pure... innocent?" Chris's mouth twitched violently. Looking at the blatant give-us-something expressions on Kōichi and Kazuma's faces, she couldn't help taking half a step back. "You two... you were just laughing harder than demons a second ago! And besides, Darkness-san is an extremely capable Crusader. Having her join your party is obviously a bargain for you!"
"Now, now, that's not how it works." Kōichi narrowed his eyes, his tone turning grave and earnest. "Combat ability is one thing. Mental damages are another. If you don't offer some kind of compensation for her joining, then I'm afraid we can't guarantee we won't accidentally leave her behind in the middle of a monster pack during battle. After all... the pressure would just be too much."
"Ugh...!! Being treated as dead weight by my comrades, even cast aside like trash... ah! This sense of impending betrayal! Please! Please make it even worse!!"
Hearing their conversation from the side, Darkness-san grew so excited she looked like she might ascend on the spot, the clatter of her armor becoming more and more frantic.
Chris looked at her utterly hopeless friend, then at the two scumbags in front of her who kept pressing the issue. At last, her shoulders slumped in despair.
She knew that if she didn't give these two a little something, they really were capable of doing exactly that.
"Fine, fine! I get it already! You two greedy, sadistic creeps!" Chris stamped her foot in embarrassed frustration, then looked at Kazuma and at Kōichi. "As compensation, I can teach you some practical Thief skills! Especially you, Kazuma. Your luck stat is absurdly high. It'd be a complete waste if you didn't learn [Steal] and [Lurk]!"
"[Steal]?! You mean that skill that lets you randomly snatch one item off someone?!" Kazuma's eyes instantly went wide, and a dangerously perverted aura burst out of him. "Deal! Chris. No, Chris-sensei! Please teach me right now! I can feel it, my soul has finally found its true purpose!"
"Hey, Kazuma, rein in that disgusting drool."
Kōichi said it with disgust, but inwardly he was delighted too.
He turned to Chris and raised a brow. "What about me? I'm a Wizard. Thief skills would still be useful, sure, but don't you have anything a little more... special? Maybe some kind of charm that boosts luck, or... say, some information about hidden treasure somewhere in this town?"
Chris puffed up her cheeks in annoyance at Kōichi's shameless greed, looking as cute as a little squirrel.
"You... honestly, that's enough! Fine. Since you're a Wizard... take this!"
Chris pulled out a shiny little coin and tossed it to Kōichi. Engraved on it was an image of Eris, the Goddess of Fortune.
"This is Eris's Blessed Coin. It won't directly raise your stats, but when something unlucky happens, it'll soften the blow a little. This is not for sale, got it? If you dare lose it, I'll sneak into your room and steal every last thing you own!"
"Oh? Everything? Including the underwear I haven't felt like washing lately? That doesn't sound like punishment. It sounds more like some kind of reward, Chris-sensei."
Kōichi caught the coin and teased her in a deliberately frivolous tone.
"Y-you pervert! Kazuma, let's go! I'm teaching you your skills right now. Don't waste another second on this hopeless idiot!"
With her face bright red, Chris dragged Kazuma toward a nearby alley, clearly planning to teach him in secret.
Kōichi remained where he was, idly turning the coin over in his hand and feeling the faint sacred aura coming from it, then turned to look at Darkness-san, who was still writhing in place.