Kōichi watched the two of them, who looked ready to swallow him alive yet kept gulping madly at the aroma of the fine sparkling wine, and knew the timing was just about right.
He lowered his voice, giving it a magnetic tone that practically tempted them toward depravity.
"Brothers, I know you've had it rough these past few days, taking the blame for everything. To offer my sincerest apology, I've decided to spend every last bit of private money I saved up on this trip and take you somewhere real."
Kazuma raised an eyebrow and eyed him suspiciously. "Somewhere real? That's what you said last time, and I ended up getting kicked away by Aqua while Dust got his face scrubbed with a washboard by some old lady."
"This time is completely different!" Kōichi slammed the table and boldly raised three fingers. "The biggest, most luxurious Royal Premium Mixed Bathhouse in Arcanletia, the one known as the Paradise of the Gods! A single ticket costs ten thousand Eris! Not only does it have the clearest sacred spring in the entire city, the guests are nobles, socialites, and high-ranking Adventurers from every country. And most importantly…"
Kōichi paused, then gave Kazuma and Dust a devilish look that made their hearts race.
"There are no Axis Order cultists harassing you, no washboard old ladies, only the purest hot spring socializing, filled with romantic pink vibes. Admission, drinks, massages, everything is on me, Kōichi Hayashi! All you need to bring is a heart that yearns for romance!"
The air fell silent for three seconds.
Dust's gloomy face instantly collapsed like melting ice cream after he heard the key phrases "ten-thousand-Eris ticket" and "mixed bath with socialites."
With trembling hands, he grabbed Kōichi's sleeve. The resentment in his eyes turned at once into the fanatical glow of someone who had just seen his own father.
"K-Kōichi, my brother! Was that true? Everything's covered? Including that Holy Water massage with professional big sisters I've heard rumors about?"
"Of course. As long as you two forgive me, I won't even blink if three big sisters massage you at the same time!"
Kōichi thumped his chest in guarantee.
Kazuma took a deep breath. He tried hard to preserve the last shred of dignity he had as a victim, but the corners of his mouth kept rising and betrayed him completely.
He snatched the wine bottle from Kōichi and poured full glasses for himself and Dust.
"Hmph. Since you've gone that far, refusing to forgive you would make me, Kazuma Satou, look petty. But let's get one thing straight. If anything goes wrong this time, I'm casting [Steal] on the spot and stealing the last piece of cloth covering you, so you can suffer social death right there in the Royal Bathhouse!"
"Deal!"
Kōichi raised his glass too, and the three glasses clinked crisply in the air.
"To a man's romance!" Dust growled excitedly.
"To the bathing posture of socialites!" Kazuma followed at once.
"To the bonds of brotherhood, and my wallet!" Kōichi silently added in his heart.
...
The Royal Premium Mixed Bathhouse of Arcanletia truly lived up to its reputation.
After passing through the grand archway carved from a single block of white marble and decorated with pure-gold trim, a dreamlike scene opened before them.
The enormous dome was made of transparent crystal. It was evening, and the afterglow of the sunset spilled over layers of spring pools, making the water shimmer.
The air carried the faint scent of sandalwood and expensive essential oils, without any of the harsh sulfur stench found in ordinary bathhouses.
Kōichi stood at the entrance, feeling the warm jade floor beneath his feet and listening to the graceful music drifting from somewhere in the distance. Although the wallet in his arms was wailing in agony, since that was thirty thousand Eris just for the tickets, the high-society atmosphere before him still gave him the illusion that the money had been well spent.
"Oh… oooh… Kōichi, I take back calling you trash earlier." Kazuma had already changed into an excellent silk bathrobe. He leaned against a pillar as if all the bones had been removed from his body, his eyes shining as he scanned the misty pools in the distance. "This place is heaven… no, it feels even more like heaven than Eris-sama's Heaven! Look at that silhouette over there. That's definitely a princess from some country, right?!"
"Quit talking and get in already! I can smell the scent of mature big sisters!" Dust was already itching to untie his belt and charge into the pool. But the instant he took his first step, his eyes, sharpened in the red-light district until they were keener than a hawk's, suddenly locked onto a certain direction.
As if struck by a binding spell, he shot out a hand and grabbed Kōichi and Kazuma, who had been about to move forward.
"Hey… hey, hey! Look over there! Three o'clock, the woman leaning by the Golden Holy Spring at the deepest end!" Dust's voice trembled badly, a low growl mixed with overwhelming awe and some kind of animal instinctive fear.
Kōichi and Kazuma instinctively looked in the direction he was pointing.
Deep within layers of white mist, beside a pool made of pure gold and slowly flowing with pale purple spring water, sat a woman who seemed like the embodiment of night itself.
She had long red-and-black hair that fell like a waterfall down her fair back. Her extremely mature, profound features were slightly blurred by the steam, which only added to her mysterious allure.
At that moment, she was tilting her head back slightly with her eyes closed, resting. Even just from her profile, she radiated an overwhelming presence strong enough to make every so-called socialite around her fade into the background.
But what truly kept the three perverts from looking away was her magnificent figure, with curves that practically defied common sense and the laws of physics.
Just the upper half of her body emerging from the water was enough to make the three of them, who had once seen Darkness in full battle gear, feel a suffocating pressure.
"Gulp."
Three perfectly synchronized swallowing sounds rang through the air.
"Kazuma, using your NEET shut-in instincts, tell me. Is that human?" Kōichi asked in a low voice, feeling his heartbeat turn irregular.
"No… that's definitely not human…" Kazuma's eyes were bloodshot, and the glow of [Eagle Eye] had already begun to appear in his pupils. "That's a work of art… a miracle… the ultimate weapon capable of starting a world war! Dust, is your handsome face ready? I think if the three of us could sit beside that big sister for five minutes, it'd be worth it even if Aqua purified us afterward!"
"Don't stop me! I'm going to offer that Goddess-sama my loyalty, and my body, right now!"
Dust had entered some kind of berserk state, with two streams of white vapor blasting from his nostrils.
However, the red-haired woman seemed to notice those three intensely powerful and vulgar gazes.
She slowly opened her eyes. Those deep, dark-red pupils, as if they held an endless twilight within them, shifted slightly and casually swept over the three lecherous pigs at the entrance.
In that instant, Kōichi felt a chill that made every hair on his body stand on end.
It was not killing intent, but a pressure from a higher dimension, as if a deity were looking down on ants.