A triumphant gleam flashed in Alderp-sama's narrow eyes, nearly buried beneath layers of fat. Rubbing his thick hands covered in jeweled rings, he spoke in a slimy voice that felt like a slug crawling across one's skin.
"Since you are honored guests of Her Highness, I must naturally offer you the finest hospitality. There are several luxurious suites with balconies on the east side of the second floor, and the view is excellent. Why not have Lalatina-san and this blue-haired Goddess stay there? Heh heh, they happen to be right next to my master bedroom. Should a Robin Hood-like thief break in during the night, I will be able to... protect the two of you immediately."
At the word "protect," an utterly lecherous smile spread across Alderp-sama's greasy face. He even licked his lips suggestively.
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a glance. Their eyes met, and an entire complicated conversation passed between them in an instant.
'Hey, Kōichi, that filthy fat pig is trying to take advantage of our teammates!'
'I know, Kazuma. But think about it. One is a meat shield with maxed-out defense and a head full of filthy fantasies. The other is a useless idiot Goddess who can do nothing besides purification and party tricks, and is capable of driving anyone insane...'
"I have a small suggestion regarding the room assignments."
Kōichi suddenly spoke up. He casually draped an arm over Kazuma's shoulder, and the two wore identical wicked grins with a distinctly sadistic air.
"Alderp-sama, Darkness... No, Lalatina won't do."
Kōichi pointed toward Darkness, who was already trembling at the fantasy of being ambushed at night by the powerful noble next door, faint gasps escaping her lips.
"She has a serious sleepwalking problem, and when she sleepwalks, she swings her greatsword around wildly. Suppose she wanders into your room in the middle of the night, mistakes you for some bizarre monster, and cuts you down. We would never be able to explain that to Her Highness Iris."
"Exactly, exactly."
Kazuma nodded furiously and pushed the bewildered Aqua forward.
"But Aqua is perfectly safe! She sleeps like the dead. You could perform a full ritual beside her bed and she still wouldn't wake up. Besides, she's an Arch Priest and naturally radiates a sacred aura, so she's perfect for warding off evil! Let her stay next door to you. You'll be completely safe!"
"Huh? Me?"
Aqua pointed at her own nose, her large eyes shining with pure, innocent stupidity.
"I don't know what you two are plotting, but since it's a luxurious suite, there must be expensive wine waiting for me, right? Fine! For the glory of the Axis Order, this Goddess will graciously agree to stay there! Hey, fat pig, make sure you prepare the finest sparkling wine by my bed. Otherwise, I'll perform Nature's Beauty beside your bed in the middle of the night!"
Alderp-sama froze. He had expected these two greedy, lecherous scumbags to guard the two beauties fiercely. He had never imagined they would so readily deliver one of them straight into his hands.
"O-Oh my? Since the two of you are so understanding..."
Alderp-sama's greedy gaze roamed over Aqua's curvaceous figure. He was already considering what potion or method he should use to entertain the beautiful fool that night.
Watching the lustful expression on Alderp-sama's face, Kōichi sneered inwardly.
'Old bastard, I hope tonight gives you a sacred experience you'll remember for the rest of your life.'
"Then Darkness and Megumin will stay with us so we can keep them under control."
Kōichi grabbed Darkness, who was still lost in her fantasies, by the ear.
"Alderp-sama, I hope you enjoy your evening with our Goddess. Please, whatever you do, don't hold back."
...
Kōichi and Kazuma secretly slipped several frighteningly old bottles of liquor out of Alderp-sama's lavish wine cellar. The bottles even bore royal wax seals, making it obvious that they were treasures the fat pig had acquired through extortion.
The two pushed open the door to Aqua-sama's lavishly decorated guest room. The Goddess was sprawled across the velvet bed with her arms and legs spread wide, staring blankly at the crystal chandelier overhead.
"Hey, Aqua. Look what we brought you."
Kōichi smiled with extraordinary kindness, like someone trying to lure a child away, and gently swirled the bottle in his hand. The clear liquor sloshed enticingly inside.
"Ooh! I-Is that the legendary Dragon's Roar from the underground wine cellars of the Royal Capital, the liquor so valuable that one bottle could buy an entire house?!"
Aqua's eyes instantly took the shape of Eris gold coins. She sprang off the bed like a coiled spring, drool nearly running from her mouth in a stream.
"That's right! We risked our lives to borrow it for you so you'd have enough magical power to protect Alderp-sama tonight."
Kazuma expertly opened the bottle. An alcohol-rich fragrance, so powerful it almost seemed tangible, immediately filled the room.
"Here you go, Goddess. For the glory of the Axis Order, finish this bottle. Tonight, you'll be the brightest star in the entire mansion!"
"Gulp... Gulp... Haaah!!!"
Aqua tilted back her head and drained the entire bottle of powerful liquor as though it were plain water.
Her cheeks immediately turned bright red, visibly flushing within seconds. Even her long blue hair seemed to quiver with excitement.
"S-So spicy! So good! Kōichi! Kazuma! You two have finally learned how to treat me properly! Hahahaha!"
Aqua began jumping wildly on the bed, waving the empty bottle as she shouted.
"Just watch! Tonight, this Goddess will hold the grandest party this mansion has ever seen! I'll make that fat pig and that Robin Hood-like thief tremble before this Goddess's Nature's Beauty! Wahahahaha!"
Aqua had already begun performing pointless magic tricks for the empty room, such as turning clear water into even clearer water.
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a glance and broke into evil smiles. Everything was going according to plan.
At that moment, Aqua was a ticking bomb filled with sacred magic and alcohol, ready to explode at any moment.
"Aqua, should anyone come in during the night and ask to play with you, remember to give the performance everything you've got."
Kōichi offered the considerate reminder before leaving.
"No problem! Whether it's hide-and-seek or Truth or Dare, this Goddess will never lose! Burp!"
The two left the room and gently closed the door behind them.
"Let's go, Kazuma. Now that the bait has gone berserk, it's time for us to take care of some real business."
Kōichi's gaze shifted toward the heavily guarded iron door barely visible at the far end of the corridor.
"Heh heh. I hope that old bastard Alderp brought enough emergency heart medicine for tonight."
Kazuma pulled a Thief's wire from inside his clothes, his eyes gleaming with desire for ill-gotten wealth.
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