As soon as the performance was done and as soon as they announced my name for the second price, I knew.
Not only did I know it, but I can sense my mother's disappointment.
She didn't say a word when I walked over to her, with my second trophy which I would've been happy with but how can I when my mother looked so disappointed I wasn't as good as she was.
I tried so hard.
I wish she knew how much I scarified to be the best.
With all my heart I wanted to be her, for her to notice my worth, to be proud that her own daughter has carried the gift she was able to achieve through her dancing.
But with all the exhaustion, the battle, the lack of life other then dancing.
In that moment when my mother walked away, not congratulating me, not showing me love saying I did so well or that I tried my best.
I grew to hate It.
I did not want to dance anymore.
And it terrified me to tell her the truth.
At home, I walked back inside slowly after she went inside, the silence was loud, she didn't have to say anything as her silent said it all, since back then and now to home.
As I entered, I could hear her yelling.
I knew as my head was already down in shame, I didn't have anything to say as I made my way to the raised of my mother's disappointing voice.
"I don't know how, it's like she wasn't even trying," my mother complained.
"Honey, she is trying, maybe she just needs a little more time,"
"How much? She's already seventeen and she still can't get to the top, she's not getting any younger, I was winning first place at the age of twelve,"
I listened just around the corner, I felt some hope that my father still believed in me.
"If I am really honest, she might not even get to your level,"
My heart dropped.
My mother scoffed, "obviously, it's like she's not even my child,"
"she's still our child, just average nothing special-"
I couldn't listen, I went to the front door and slammed it behind me, I couldn't stand it, tears streamed down my face and their words repeating in my head,
Not good enough.
Not special.
Only average.
I ran, not sure where I was going but anywhere that wasn't there, I couldn't handle it anymore.
Can't they love me for me?
Was I not good enough for their praise?
Why was I born without talent?
I didn't know why I was born the way I was, I tried, I hate it, I hate dancing and wished I never spent all my time trying to be someone I wasn't.
For what? For my mother's love?
For her to be proud?
I don't know where I was, I just wanted to get as far as my legs would let me and I seem to end up at a dark stream. It was the park my father took me when I was little, feeding the ducks.
I pulled my knees up and leaned into them.
Maybe I should disappear?
"Hey, you okay?"
I jumped from the voice staring at a guy, he was slim, with blonde hair and brown eyes like mine but lighter, he was in a black jumper and jeans, he had a smoke in his hands as he looked into my eyes.
"w-who are you?" I asked shyly.
This was the first time I was talking to a boy, and I didn't know what to do, I was in a middle of a breakdown and suddenly felt self-conscious.
I probably looked horrible.
"Hey, it's okay, I just saw you running here upset, just wanted to make sure you're okay that's all," he raised his hands moving away slightly to show he didn't have ill-intentions, "I will leave,"
"No," I said which shocked myself as he raised his eyebrows, "stay," I said.
"Okay, what's your name?" he asked.
"M-Mei-lin, you?" I asked.
"Will," He smiled, "you got a nice name, can I call you Mei?" he asked with a small smile.
I nodded.
"So, Mei, would you like to go do something fun? If you want to join?" he asked.
I thought for a moment, I should really go back, before my parents start searching for me, otherwise I'll be in more trouble than I am right now.
"Come on, you look like you need some stress relief," he winked, pulling out a hand.
He was charming, and I couldn't help but smile.
You know what? It's about time I live young while there is an opportunity.
I wiped my eyes, laughed nervously, "okay,"
I placed my hand into his hand.
-
I blink, and the memory loosens its grip.
I'm crouched on the edge of a low rooftop, boots balanced against cracked concrete. The city stretches out in front of me-or what's left of it. Buildings blur into distance, swallowed by trees and time, disappearing piece by piece.
Funny how even ruins don't stay forever.
A half-dead leaf skitters past my foot. I catch it between my fingers, brittle and dry, the veins cracked like it's forgotten what it used to be.
I turn it over once, thoughtful.
"Guess we all end up like this," I murmur under my breath.
I let the leaf fall.
Below, Kade moves around the truck, loading supplies with practiced efficiency. No hesitation. No wasted motion. He looks solid, grounded, like someone who knows exactly where he's standing.
For a second, a small smile tugs at my lips.
Then it fades.
I straighten, pushing the memory down where it belongs, and hop off the roof. The present settles back into place, heavy, real, unavoidable.
*
We pulled up in a little town just as the light began to dull.
The buildings were packed close together, shops with collapsed fronts, broken windows, signs half torn down. I could make out what used to be a pharmacy, a hairdresser, maybe a bakery judging by the cracked display window and faded lettering.
"The sun's going down," I said quietly, tilting my head up. You couldn't see the sunset through the buildings, but the air had that muted, heavy color that meant night was close.
"Yeah," Kade replied.
He locked the truck, then covered it with what scrap and debris he could find before heading back toward me. "Let's check it out first. Then we find a base for the night."
"Yeah," I echoed, more to myself than him.
We moved inside one of the buildings through a narrow opening, crouching low. He whistled softly to get my attention and pointed toward movement at the far end. I nodded and split off, sword already in my hand as I moved between shelves.
Two zombies sat slumped near the back, heads tilted at unnatural angles. They looked still, but I knew better.
I stepped forward and took them out quickly, clean strikes. Still, I found myself staring at them longer than necessary once they dropped.
How cruel it was-seeing what used to be someone. Someone loved. Now just rotting flesh, driven by hunger alone.
The thought pulled something loose in my chest.
Memories surged up without permission. Old ones. Painful ones.
Why now?
Why when I'd been doing so well just focusing on surviving?
Anger flooded through me, sharp and burning.
I moved faster than I should've, striking anything that made a sound, anything that shifted. I heard Kade behind me but didn't slow.
Focus on your own survival, idiot.
An arrow sliced through the air and slammed into a zombie inch from my head.
I froze.
The body dropped, and I looked up to see Kade already reloading, eyes scanning the room like nothing happened.
I wiped blood off my face. "Hey, asshole."
He sighed without looking at me and pushed a door open further down. "I had it."
"Do you not realize by now I can take care-"
"-of yourself," he cut in flatly, like he'd heard it a hundred times.
The room he opened turned out to be solid. Boarded windows. Dust everywhere. No signs of recent movement.
Safe enough.
I claimed the mattress in the corner without hesitation, dropping my bag beside it. It wasn't my old setup, but it beat the floor or the car.
We brought the supplies inside while Kade hid the truck as best he could. I dusted the mattress and arranged my things, making it as comfortable as possible with what little we had.
He came back coughing, hand lifting to his mouth.
"Fuck."
I glanced over my shoulder. "That's what your face cloth is for." with sarcasm.
He stopped and looked at me.
Bored. Unimpressed.
Slowly, deliberately, he pulled the mask back over his face. Then crossed the room and pried one of the boards loose from the window just enough to let fresh air cut through the space.
"Better?" he asked flatly.
"Much," I said. "You almost sounded human just then."
He snorted and leaned back against the wall, checking outside through the gap. "Area's quiet. No movement."
"Good," I replied, fluffing the pillow. "I'd rather not die in my sleep tonight."
"Ambitious goal," he muttered.
We slipped into conversation after that, easy, familiar. He asked what I managed to grab. I told him about the half-crushed protein bars and expired vitamins. He complained about the dust again. I told him to stop inhaling so aggressively.
Normal.
Almost comfortable.
And that's when it hit me.
"I'm gonna miss this," I said lightly, not looking at him.
He paused. "Miss what?"
I shrugged, fiddling with the strap of my bag. "This. The thrilling bedtime chats. The constant near-death experiences. Your charming personality."
Silence followed.
I glanced up-and caught him watching me.
Just… looking.
Something stupid fluttered in my chest.
I hated it.
Before it could grow teeth, I stood and deliberately flicked my hair into his face as I moved past him. "Anyway. I'm taking first sleep, you've got first watch."
He blinked once. "Bossy."
"You love it."
"Nope."
I dropped my bag beside the mattress and climbed onto it, pulling the blanket up and settling in. The room felt tighter now, like the walls were listening.
"Nyx."
I froze.
Turned back, heart annoyingly loud. "Yeah?"
He opened his mouth-then closed it. Exhaled, rubbing a hand over his jaw.
"Never mind," he said quietly. "Get some sleep."
Right.
I turned away before he could see my face.
Slowly, carefully, I reached up and slipped the mask off. The air against my skin felt wrong without it. I hugged the mask to my chest, fingers curling into its familiar shape like it might keep everything else together if I held it tight enough.
I thought about leaving without saying goodbye.
About how easy it would be to disappear before the morning came.
About how much it would hurt to stay.
A tear slid free, warm against my skin.
I didn't wipe it away.
Because if I let myself admit it -even just once- I wasn't sure I'd be strong enough to walk away when the time came.