Xia Pu, I hope this is not the first letter I've written you, nor the last. Yet, I am conflicted, wanting you to know its contents but also fearing you find out. Because I am sorry to you, I should not have married you, which brought you pain and perhaps lifelong sorrow.
All of this was caused by my selfishness, which has harmed you.
There is a truth I have always been afraid to tell you. But if I die, you are the one who deserves to know this truth.
A few years ago, I carried out a mission and nearly failed, almost dying in the process. The enemy used many methods to make me talk, including injecting me with a large amount of drugs, leaving me wishing for death rather than living. But when I was on the brink of death, I was fortunately saved. Yet, the drugs continued to torment me, still threatening my life, and at that time, no one could save me.
