pretty sure it's just my human soul inoculating me, honestly. System is pinging but the Free Will machine ain't got no receipts."
Yeah, I was a reincarnation. Dad didn't even figure it out until after I was made, and I asked why Her tits were so huge, which was apparently a first for Her. Then I realized I had just asked why the Lord in Heaven had massive milk jugs and nearly blue-screened from the horror. But I wasn't smote on the spot, and She took it well enough to investigate and keep me around. Officially, my job in Heaven is to be a janitor, or just clean up if I see any messes. In truth, I help run interference with the other angels when they wonder where our Dad disappears to. Dad lets me do whatever because She doesn't quite know how my 21st century soul got here, and has so much trouble predicting what I do next.
I'm also the only one around who doesn't treat Her as absolutely correct and perfect, which I know Dad appreciates. Having immense power just means your mistakes are a lot bigger, and Father has a ton of irons in the proverbial fires. I know The Beast requires constant attention from Her to seal, and Her entreaties to the other primordials have been ignored.
As for me, I'm stuck in Heaven for the most part (I visited Eden to hang with Adam and Lilith, and then Eve for funsies), which severely limits my shenanigans. I managed to confirm I was in Highschool DxD at least (because what other world would give God Himself tits the size of watermelons, same with Gabriel), but uh… I never watched the show.
I only looked up the fanfics and the porn of it. Dad was kinda amused by that. Dad also admitted that whatever knowledge I gleaned was useless anyway, as the future is in so much flux with my mere appearance that what was To Be is now a maybe. I didn't care too much about that.
What I cared about was how fucking small I was. I wasn't amused to be a fucking snack of an angel! My height didn't even make it to 150 centimeters (less than a park bench, for my fellow Burgericans). Dad apologized for that, because She kinda read my mind to figure out I used to be over 180cm (bigger than a fridge, for my fellow Burgericans). Pretty boy Shota angel, after 38 years of being an actual man!
So, Dad, in Her infinite glory, asked what She could do to make it easier on me, assuring me I would grow up to an adult size in the next few millennia. My reply was pretty simple, honestly: "If I've been isekai'd, then I deserve an isekai cheat!"
She chuckled in understanding, and asked what I wanted. I made Her promise that She would grant it if She truly meant it, and could fulfill it, and She agreed.
So I asked for a massive fucking cock and balls, hentai style. If I was stuck as a pretty boy, I was going to be the dreaded BIG DICK SHOTA, not a femboi!
Dad didn't talk to me for a week after that, but hey, I've got a baseball bat and a couple of oranges now. Thank Dad for big spacious robes. It might also be the reason I don't walk much (at all), the gait's a little weird.
"We haven't tested that thoroughly, you little lust monster." She set me down, and I barely made it up to Her thighs in height. I quickly floated back up and got back to orb level. "It could be you're an outsider to this reality, and my System is struggling to reconcile you. You worry me so much, Rachumel. You could fall the moment the System figures out what's wrong with y- Stop staring at my breasts."
"I've made my choice," I declared, my gaze focused on the massive orbs. Get it, orb level. Cause She's got massive-
"You're not allowed to ponder those orbs." A hand karate-chopped my head, and forced me to break eye contact with Her covered nipples.
"Then you'll take a rib-!"
"NO."
"Alright, fine, jeez. …Is Ophis a legal loli yet?"
"Is Ophis a what- Why would that thing become a legal loli? No, stop, we're not changing the conversation." I could feel her gaze focus on me once more, and I met the gaze. "You need to stop acting out."
"That ruins the whole point of a second life, let alone figuring out where my limits are, Dad." I cross my little arms across my boyish chest. Man, I miss my pecs. "If another human gets snatched up to be an angel, you need the System to calibrate it right. Or something worse than Falling might happen." I let the dramatic pause linger for a moment…
"All that Holy Power could go right to their thighs!"
"…"
"…and then they blow up."
"Rachumel, don't make me get the jumper cables."
"You dare use my own memes against me, Father?!"
"Do not cite the deep lore to me, son. I was there when they were written."
"...Wait, do you seriously have a book of every meme humanity will make?"
"Wouldn't you like to know, angel boy?"
We stared at each other a little longer before cracking, laughter filling the hallway as I hugged my Dad, my hand brushing through her orb head to the hair hiding beneath the illusion. "Seriously, don't worry so much."
"I am your Father. It's who I am." She patted my back before I pulled away, hands sliding to my pockets. "Now, you've neglected your duties long enough. Do a little cleaning, Rachumel."
"Ugh." I rolled my eyes theatrically. "Fine, I'll get started with the smudges on the ceiling then."
"…Angels immediately purge filth. How did you even leave smudg- No. No, you'll tell me, and then I'll have an aneurysm."
"An aneurysm is the truest sign of familial love. Source: I made that the fuck up just now," I said, nodding sagely. Dad didn't reply, only patting my head before walking away.
Damn, Father's got the fucking bakery back there. I would hit that harder than Helel's eventual fall will be.
Incestual thoughts aside, I flew up and started using the miniscule amount of magical power I had as a two-winged grunt to wipe away the dirty smudges. Once I had removed the tactical mess I made…
I snuck right into God's throne room, ignored the Book of Creation, and raced for Her Heavenly System.
The ultimate test of Knowledge - either She'll know instantly and stop me, She doesn't know and can't, or She does know and trusts me enough that She won't stop me.
Hoping for the latter, personally.
Anyway, the Heavenly System was in good enough shape to handle the angelic side of the business, but the part taking care of humanity wasn't quite there yet. It was also configured only using the pure energy of the Holy Spirit, as of right now. I could make guesses as to why Michael couldn't wield it the same way God did, and I suspect it has something to do with Christ in the long run.
But right now? It's just a giant honking desktop, and I know the keyboard layout from multiple visits.
I quickly slapped the commands that would push the Heavenly System to pull up my profile, and I could see why Dad was confused. Physically, I was an angel, and it had no trouble regulating that. Spiritually, it was glitching between "Angel" and "Human" classifications every second, and when it did ping Angel and sent the signal that would make me Fall, my profile would become Human.
Humans can't exactly Fall like Angels can, you see? But Dad doubted it was something as simple as that, and I had no reason to doubt the God who created me.
I was about to make the point moot, anyway.
I went over my profile, and clicked on the button in the corner that said [EDIT: CREATOR AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED.] My other hand withdrew from my pocket a single strand of hair that dazzled with translucent light. It twinkled, bright in my hand, and I felt for a moment I understood how Gimli felt when he asked Galadriel for just one of hers.
Then I threw it at the floating screen before me and did my absolute best not to pray for success, because there's no way this is gonna-
[AUTHORIZATION ACCEPTED]
-work?
"Holy shit, it worked." I murmured, before the implications finally hit me. "FUCK YEAH!"
I then proceeded to do, bar none, the stupidest thing I have even done in my existence.
I opened up the bit of code that governed ME as an angel and started fucking around with it.
The Heavenly System was surprisingly accommodating! I didn't even have to try and search around all that much, it seemed to read my thoughts and bring up the relevant code.
Which I couldn't read, because knowing how to tap on a keyboard doesn't equate to knowing how someone's custom Linux was built on Python.
So… I just asked. "Hey System, can you please show me how to delete the part of Angel code that makes me fall?"
I swear on own previously dead body, if Dad programmed Clippy, I'll fucking rebel instantly. Make Lucifer look like amateur hour. The Geneva CHECKLIST.
Thankfully, the System merely highlighted the relevant bits for me. "And what would happen to my body if I deleted that itty bit of code?"
[ANSWER: AN ANGELIC CONSTRUCT'S CORPOREAL FORM WOULD SLOWLY DETERIORATE FROM THE LACK OF COUNTERBALANCE OF SIN AND VIRTUE IN THE SOUL, DUE TO THE TIES BETWEEN THE HOLY SPIRIT, SOUL, AND BODY. THE ANGELIC SOUL CANNOT PROPERLY INTERACT WITH HOLY LIGHT WITHOUT THE SYSTEM'S GUIDANCE, DUE TO RESTRICTIONS IN PLACE REGARDING AN ANGELIC CONSTRUCT'S POWER ACKNOWLEDGED BY THE WING SUBSYSTEM.]
"I'm going to pretend I sort of understood that… Okay, since I'm a little humie soul in an angel body, I would be fine, right? That sounds correct, I think I'm pretty smart."
[ERROR: DATA NOT FOUND.]
"Don't you fucking sass me, you over-engineered toaster," I muttered. Even still, I was apprehensive. Perhaps Dad was wrong, and I couldn't fall at all because of a myriad of reasons. Perhaps mucking about in Her system was a stupid idea. Maybe this plan is-
I deleted the line of code before I could spiral and wuss out.
…And nothing changed? Magic reserves? Topped up.
Soul sense? Everything's alright.
Dick size? Still womb-breaking.
Wings? Two of them and fluffy as cotton.
Hotel? Trivago.
I nervously chuckled, before I minimized my still-glitching profile. I was tempted to muck about with Helel's, Michael's, and Gabby's codes. But I think I had worn out my luck by taking as long as I did. "System, delete the last… er, how long has it been since I entered?"
[ANSWER: EIGHT MINUTES AND 34 SECONDS.]
"Heh, thirty four. Okay, delete the record of all changes or history in the timeframe of the last ten minutes."
[AFFIRMATIVE.]
Heh. I'm the first person in this world to delete their history to hide from his parents. Rachumel, Angel of Porn Hiding!
But now, it's time to skedaddle before Daddy comes back with the paddle.
Escape from the 7th Heaven was easy.
I jumped!
Father made it rather simple for Angels to traverse downwards in Heaven, even if She made sure it was difficult to fly upwards for pretty much everyone else. The simplest way to put it was that the more wings you had, the more access you had to the higher levels of heaven. Helel and Michael? They could practically teleport anywhere they wanted. Little old two winged Kalawarna? She's not flying past the first level.
Me? I'm Daddy's most special boy. Big G made sure I can get anywhere I need to in Heaven to help cover for Her when she rushes off to slap more seals on The Beast. Unlike the Seraphs, though, I have to physically descend and ascend.
Which is why I aimed for the edge of the Garden of Eden at the Fourth Heaven, and let loose my battle cry at my newest victim! "BANZAI-"
Ah, shit, he stepped to the side.
I ate the dirt. I coughed and sputtered as I pawed at my tongue, before turning to glare at Helel. "Meanie!"
"I have no idea what you mean, little brother. I was simply inspecting this beetle," Helel said, his lips in a thin smirk. He stood up, and at the very least I understood why my old world used to say he was Dad's favorite son, if only by looks alone. The silver-haired angel stood idly near me, bright gold eyes meeting my own blue. The Morningstar had brilliant silver-white wings that caught the light of the sun in such a way to steal the breath from my lungs, a tapestry of miniature stars seeming to erupt across his wingspan. He was tall, with tanned skin and a face sculpted without flaw, a smile more radiant than any but Gabby's.
So naturally, I had to humble the smug shit. "Beetle, my fat butt!" I childishly thrust my finger at him as I floated back into the air. "I'm gonna hug you one of these days. When you least expect it, I'm gonna latch onto you with a hug you'll never forget. 'Rachumel,' you'll say, all teary and sobbing and pushing snot onto my tunic, 'Your hugs are just so amazing, I want to be your best friend!' And I will look down upon you and say, 'No, for Big Sis Gabby lets me squeeze her boobs,' and you'll cope and seethe and mald!"
"Quite vivid, yes," my older brother said, nodding with the ghost of a smile on his lips. "And pray tell, Rachumel, just why did you eat dirt just now?"
"…I did that on purpose."
"Of course you did."
"Yeah, little dirt in your diet helps… with the… dirt you need to live."
"Oh, quite so, very important for a growing angel, dirt is."
"In fact, why don't you come over here, I'll feed you some, Helel."
"Oh no, no, no, I couldn't possibly steal your valuable meal, for I am already perfect as I am." I could see his lips wobbling from the effort of not laughing.
"Bigstupidbuttsayswhat?"
"Hmm?" Helel said, a full grin now on his face. "Did you say something, oh most precocious brother of mine? It's not good to mumble."
"…Tch." I pulled on my best impression of Azrael, that gloomy cougar, and frowned. I do not pout. I brood like a goth kid who just discovered Nine Inch Nails. "You win this round, buddy."
"Cheer up, Rach," Helel reached a hand over to muss with my beautiful crimson locks. "I'm sure you'll catch me. In the future. When the sun starts to get a little colder," he finished, the same smirk on his lips.
"Har har har." I bat his hand away and spend a few seconds fixing my hair. "Why are you in Eden, anyway? I thought Dad sent you on that mission to Vishnu and his group?"
"It was pointless. Those deities care for nothing that isn't their own territory." I could feel the raw irritation that bled off him. "The arrogance of those gods. How lucky they are that Father is too preoccupied with Heaven and Eden to care for their nonsense."
"Right." I wasn't gonna get into a power level discussion with God's biggest fanboy (at the moment). I think the Hindu are a bit over-rated myself, but that could just be the American in me scoffing at anything that isn't God Almighty. "Alright, but that just means you could have come to visit me! Or Michael, or Gabby, but mostly me! Why Eden?"
"…Hm." Helel turned away to look off into the distance again.
"Wow. Not even a little jab at me for that? This must be seriously bugging you." I start simply rotating myself as I float around him. "You wanna talk about it, Helel?"
"…I just don't understand."
"Ah, the wisdom of wisdoms. Admitting you don't know-"
"Not that." He flicked my nose as I floated upside down next to him. My robe remained at my ankles with a minor application of sticking magic, if you were curious. I ain't an exhibitionist. I refocused as Helel continued. "The humans. Haven't they already failed, with Lilith leaving the Garden? Why is Father still keeping them?"
"Probably because just like all the other pantheons, Dad likes the cut of their jib." Yeah, that was a trip to discover. The truth about evolution? Actually real. The gods merely arrived, or left their own realms, and started making their own types of humanity to add to the population. Then they added landmasses, too, like over in Japan. Wild stuff.
"…Cut of their jib?" Helel raised a perfect eyebrow at me. "What does that particular nonsense mean?"
"That Dad just likes their character." I shrugged. No need to go into the history of sayings.
"Even so. Why? He has us, does he not? What use does he have for these children?" Helel refocused on the distance where Adam and Eve were naming… shit, was that a trash panda? Hell yeah, that's a raccoon. No, Rachumel, focus. "His experiment failed, no? Why would Father keep them around? Humans are short-sighted and greedy creatures."
"But through Father's Grace, and their own faith and love, they can be more," I countered, reiterating long-standing points between us. Helel actually appreciated I would push back against his views, because most other angels were content to just shrug and say 'Father Knows Best.' "And even if we don't understand something now, it doesn't mean we won't understand in the future. Father has plans, and all She has asked for is our trust and faith."
Helel breathed in and sighed. "But even Micheal and I don't know the Plans," he said, and I could feel the frustration that would lead to future Lucifer brewing in his words. "You know more than we do…"
"Do you think that Father doesn't have a plan in place for the angels? Do you think She will abandon us?"
"Never-!"
"Then!" I interrupted my big brother before he could take offense, "there's no need to worry about the humans. They'll exist with or without us, magic or no magic. Father has plans for the Earth that I'm already trying to convince Her into sharing."
"I see…"
"Sorry, brother." I gave him my best innocent puppy dog eyes. "Father asked me really nicely to not spill the beans yet. I told Her She might as well let the Seraphs know, but She said, 'Not yet,', so we all gotta suffer."
"You suffer?" His eyebrows raised.
"Yes," I gave a solemn nod. "It's so hard knowing I have the greatest penis in the world."
For a moment, Helel stared at me.
Then I was tasting dirt again, even as I laughed. "Little potty mouth brother, we were having a moment!"
"Uncle, uncle! I cry uncle! Child abuse! That's my purse! I don't know you! I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
"Good! Maybe you can find some emotional intelligence down there!" He pushed me further into the dirt, and even as I swallowed a worm, I grinned as his laughter joined my own.
"Honey, is little Rach going to be okay?" Eve asked, her fingers crossing in worry as she looked over in the distance where Helel and Rach were laughing despite the play fighting.
"Hm?" Adam looked up from where the raccoon he had finished naming trundled off. "Oh, don't worry, sweetie. Helel loves all his siblings, he'd never actually hurt any of them."
"I don't know, Adam, Rach seems to be swallowing a lot of dirt."
"He probably deserves it." Adam didn't forget how that horny little dove propositioned him and Lilith, and later him and Eve right in front of him for a threeway. "Rachumel survives all the messes he makes."
"Oh! Good then. He's so weak that I worry how he does survive." Eve brushed one of her brown locks behind her ear before turning back to him. "Rach does seem to enjoy surprising people."
"They may get exasperated with his antics, but there's not a single angel that would hurt their little brother." But if Rachumel came before him to ask again for a threesome, Adam was going to punch the little angel. A lot. "Now, let's not worry about Rachumel's just punishment. What do you think this little insect should be called?"
"Oh, that's a toughie…!"Last edited: Oct 25, 2025 Like Quote Re
PoV - Rachumel, Horny Angel Brat
So, a minor downside to having the best dick in the world while being an angel stuck in Heaven?
I CAN'T FUCKING USE IT.
Sure, I can't fall anymore, but every other angel could! Now supposedly, angels can have sex without falling, but Dad laughed and said "better figure it out quick, Rachumel."
It has been seven months with hentai level genitals and not a single nut. I am a blue-balled smurf trapped in a titty bar during No Nut November.
Masturbation does nothing.
'But Rachumel, just seduce one of your angel siblings! Angels Fall anyway!'
First of all, random intrusive thought, fuck you. Second of all, you think I haven't thought of that? What kind of absolutely dick-cheese crusted asshole do you take me for? I'm not going to cause a sibling to Fall! For an angel to lose connection to Heaven is to break them on a level that I equate to spiritual assault.
Imagine having the warmest, greatest, most loving hug, and constant reassurances that your Father loves you from head to toe. Imagine that feeling around your soul, 24/7, 365. Imagine occasionally that that hug occasionally kisses your forehead and hums in contentment that you exist. That's what being hooked up as an Angel to Heaven's System feels like.
Is it any wonder so many of my siblings will go mad when they Fall?
It is to these thoughts I cling to as, after Helel got done making me eat Eden's surprisingly tasty dirt, two of my older sisters insisted on washing my wings today.
In a bath. Where we're all nude. And they don't yet understand the concept of shame about nudity because Father is so fucking busy with preventing the end of the world She didn't bother to program the idea of shame into most of my fellow two-winged angels.
I'm fighting for my fucking life to not to pop a boner as Kalawarna and Raynare are fucking rubbing their bare tits against my chest and back as they coo over me. I've got nothing but my tiny fucking hands covering my groin, and my cock is still visible.
Shit, I can't even make a circle around my own dick with both hands. And I'm pretty sure I'm a grower, not a shower.
I made a huge mistake. Hehe, huge. Like my pe-
"Are you alright, little brother?" Kalawarna asks, love and kindness and not a hint of arousal in her bright yellow eyes as she washes the front of my right wing. "You're so much quieter when we bathe like this. Do you not like it?"
"No! Not at all!" I don't care if this is torture beyond mortal ken, I'm not making my sister cry. "Just busy thinking! About… dirt!"
"It's okay, Kala, I'm sure Rachy is just processing the time spent with big brother Helel," Raynare said. Her large, perfectly perky breasts pressed into my back, nipples dragging against the skin over my trapezius muscles.
My nails dig into my palms as I fight my growing arousal. Dad, I know you can hear this. RELEASE ME FROM THIS TORMENT. But I received nothing from Her but amusement and schadenfreude over my isekai "cheat!"
"I am a little envious about that," Kalawarner mused, rocking her thicc childbearing hips side to side with her washing of my wing. I could just see the little bit of blue hair over her mound, carefully tended to by diligent hands. "To spend so much time with the Seraphs, you're so lucky, Rachumel."
If I was lucky, you'd be pregnant with triplets right now, is what my horni brain demands. But my Will is Iron! I shall not falter! "You can do it, t-too," I reply, cursing the stutter in my voice from forcing down my lust. "Just go and spend time with them! They'd love to learn about all of us."
"Say, Rachy," Raynare spoke up, and I felt my head get swallowed between her shapely tits as she ran a soapy brush along my wings, "Do you think Azazel would talk with me? I really admire his work ethic…"
Oh right, she had a thing for him in Canon, right? But Azazel was probably the one Angel I didn't care about all that much. Dude is smug as hell. Like, even Helel isn't as smug as that Grigori prick. "I don't know, Ray-Ray," I reply, sighing at the small squeal of happiness she lets out as I use the nickname she all but forced me to say for her. "I think he's super busy. You could try though."
"I bet she wants to hold hands with him," Kalawarna said, her mock-whisper filling the room.
L-Lewd! My sisters are lewd! Degenerates!
"I mean, I don't think I would mind…" Raynare said, faltering for a moment in her cleaning before letting out a cute 'Hmph!' "I'd much rather hold Rachumel's hand!" This bashful woman is the same one who was gleeful about murdering a teenage boy? What the hell, anime land.
"Not if I hold it first!" Kalawarna's hand embraced my left hand, our interlocking fingers covered in soap and water.
Hehe, I'm in danger.
"Gasp!" Wait, did Raynare actually say the word "Gasp"? What kinda rom-com shit is this? "Meanie! I want to hold his hand, too!" Within a moment, she had slunk around the wing she was cleaning to grasp my other hand, our fingers clenching each other with such soapy need it wouldn't look out of place in a ecchi shoujo manga.
Within moments, my sisters were butting heads, frowning at each other as they clenched my hands harder. And I?
My head was trapped between both sets of their big bouncing boobies, their titillating titanic teats, and I discovered what heaven and hell were at the same time. I fought with all of the self-restraint I didn't have to prevent myself from popping the father of all boners. I am achieving Nirvana from the sheer power of my restraint.
As Kalawarna and Raynare started to argue over who should hold my hands, all I could hear in my mind was Father laughing Her ass off from Her giant golden throne.
…I don't even think She planned this. That's the worst part.
Through the power of self-control and anime, because God wasn't helping me, I prevented my innocent (astoundingly lewd) sisters from seeing the true power of my massive schlong.
By breaking the hand-holding and flying from the room as fast as I feasibly could to another level of Heaven.
I conjured another robe for myself, bathed the soap off my wings up in Eden far away from Adam and Eve, and waited in cool water until my mighty sword returned to its rest.
At this rate, I think I was going to Fall from blue balls before Helel does his whole shebang.
And I can't Fall.
But the moment I can plow my angel sisters without them Falling, oh ho ho! Destination: Poundtown; I'm gonna board that train with a first-class ticket.
Making my way out of Eden, I pause, as Father pings my senses. Cover time?
Yes. I better not come back to a mess.
Whaaaaat. Nooooo. I've never done anything wrong in my life. I projected my "innocent Baby Face" look through our connection, with the wide, guileless eyes and pouting lips. I even snuck in a few tears on the corners of my eyes.
You let a stampede of piglets race through the Sixth Heaven last week.
Gabby wanted to see the piggies.
They were covered in canola oil.
I couldn't find the lube, sorry.
You kept repeating the words "Oil up my fat hog all you want, I'll throw a weiner down your hallways any time" to Gabriel and Azreal.
…Snrk. Okay, yeah, that was just me taking the piss out of the whole thing. Funny though, right?
…No messes.
Yeah, she thought it was funny. I send a mental salute and race off to find Michael. Mikey should be near the armory, right? Eh, it's a good place to start.
Flapping my wings, I blasted off to get down to the first level once more, a wide grin on my face as I flew. Flight is easily one of the best things I've gained from my impromptu celestial isekai. The wind in my hair, rush of air between my feathers, a song of the world and I am the instrument. I twirl through the gusts and the breeze, laughing along with a world still so young.
Thankfully, I managed to focus and find Michael before I indulged too much in my flying. Once my target was located, I let out my customary "BANZAI!" and attacked, laughing as I pirot into hugging his side, not even staggering him from the force of my "assault". "Hey Mikey, whatcha doing?"
I ignored the scandalized gasps of my fellow angels around me at my nonchalant greeting of one of the highest level angels in Heaven.
"Hello, Rachumel," the gold-haired angel man smiled down at me, a peaceful smile on his face. Michael was never phased by my bullshit, but he was always glad to see me. I think. "I was just about to check over our recent armaments."
"Are we gonna fight?" I asked, curious if the other pantheons had started pulling their heads out of their asses to fuck with humanity.
"Only Father knows," Michael answered, and I nodded. She'd probably tell me, if only to prevent me from causing trouble. "But it doesn't hurt to be prepared."
"True true." I kept hugging my older brother, and both of us ignored the mutterings of our siblings as Michael moved to enter the armory. "Hey hey, do you think I might be able to lift my sword today?"
"It's always a good day to try," Michael answered, a bright smile on his face. I hummed as his arm curled around my side to hug me closer, and we stepped past the angelic focuses that most of my siblings carried.
Most angels were content just focusing their light magic to craft weapons, and foci streamlined that. Me? I saved my magic for Gate of Babylon bullshit, and flashbangs.
So many flashbangs.
As we delved deeper into the armory, I kept chatting with Michael over how his week was and all that boring day to day stuff, and he was more than happy to regale me on his duties as he double-checked the armor racks. Michael is practically the boss of Heaven, so he runs around all the levels to check on middle management and make sure everything is running smoothly. But sooner rather than later, we came upon the Vault of the Seraphim.
'But Rachumel,' my possible schizophrenia calls out, 'you're a little bitch boy weakling two-wing! Why is your weapon next to Gabriel's and Michael's?'
Great question, voice in my head. The answer is I did a bit of an oopsie-daisy when Father and I were making my weapon about five months back. See, I'm Daddy's special boy, and She decided that since I was going to grow into more wings, I should have a weapon prepared for that day. Michael's sword is pretty awesome because not only does it have the whole "Flaming Sword of Judgement" stuff going on, but he can channel his Holy Light through both sword and shield to heal and to burn, and big brother Michael heals good, and burns better.
Gabriel's trumpet is where most of her powers lay, and don't get me wrong, Battle Bard is an awesome spec. But I can't even lift her mace. Her mace is as simple as it comes, indestructible and able to snap plate in half with a casual swing.
But you see the picture I'm drawing here, right? Those weapons, the armaments? Simple. Michael's sword is simply a flaming sword, not the Flaming Sword. Even Azreal's Scythe just amplifies her Death abilities.
What I'm saying is that Angels are… kinda unimaginative.
Also, I have seen Uriel with the actual Flaming Sword when she guards Eden, and that thing scares the shit out of me. 0/10, would not want to have my soul incinerated.
To get back on track, my big 21st brain was glutted with tons of anime and games and fantasy literature, and I had too many ideas for what my future weapon could be. I, in my brilliant mind, asked Her what happens if you restrict a weapon in a concept, to empower it in another way. Equivalent Exchange, or Sacrifice, or whatever particular flavour of quid pro quo you wanna dress it up as. Father more or less summed it up as "Sacrifice is Powerful." Her example was Sandalphon's shield, in that he gave up the ability to defend against physical attacks to make the shield nigh-impervious to magic.
"You should consider it, Rachumel. It will make your weapon stronger." There's a lot of words that Father regretted saying to me over these past few months, and those were definitely some of them.
So right in front of Her, right as She was forging the weapon, I sacrificed my sword's ability to hurt humans, hurt the innocent, hurt good people, and to never draw first blood on the battlefield.
I nearly blew up the Throne Room that day! Good times. I was grounded for a month after that. Not just because I nearly exploded the room, but also because I used the excuse of the explosion to faceplant myself into God's bosom.
Priorities.
I finally detached myself from Michael as we stepped into the Vault, and I skipped ahead in the air, a hum of a hymn on my lips. I heard my brother's chuckle behind me as I raced for my sword, pausing just at the threshold of the magnificent blade. One hundred and forty centimeters, just over four feet, of gleaming celestial metal. The golden guard climbed up the blade itself, six golden marks like a sunburst up and out and two to the side from the gleaming blue diamond set in the quillon. The hilt, I could tell, was fitted perfectly to my hands, and would grow with me, capped with a beautiful pommel I would rightly end someone with. It was my sword. Eldruin.
Funny, I wasn't even much of a Diablo fan. I was kinda hoping for Fate's Proto-Excalibur, but this weapon, my sword, felt right.
"Well? Give it a try, Rachumel." I turned to look behind me at Michael gently encouraging me.
Nodding, my hands shaking, I reached to lift my sword fingers curling around the grip. I could hear it call to me, sing in happiness as my fingers locked, white knuckled tight…
And it refused to budge.
I slumped, but didn't let go of my blade. Figures it would be a power issue. Not every day you create a sword strong enough to murder gods, after all. And I was still a wee baby angel!
A hand brushed my shoulder before settling. "Worry not, Rachumel. I can tell your sword adores you."
"I didn't even realize Eldruin was sentient."
"A bare form of it. It will likely properly awaken after a few centuries of constant use and attunement. Simply get stronger, little brother."
"Thanks, Mikey. You always know how to cheer me up." I gave him another hug. "Do you think Gabriel would enjoy coming here to help polish my sword?"
"I think we both know Gabriel adores you, little brother. She'd be happy to aid you in properly cleaning your armaments." …Father dammit, I can't read this guy. Poker face of poker faces. Did he get the innuendo or not?! Was that a joke in return?!
Bleh. He's lucky he's the nicest guy in Heaven.
PoV - Archangel Michael, Second Shiniest of the Seraphim
Rachumel is adorable when he believes he is sly, Michael thought to himself, content to enjoy Rachumel's fruitless attempts to lift Eldruin. A curious name, but it means something to him.
Eldruin, in truth, made Michael nervous. The sword was not simply the bane of Evil; Rachumel's hasty restrictions had transcended what the weapon should have been capable of. It was, much like Father had mentioned about Rachumel himself, an anomaly. The blade had gained unexpected qualities from his brother's act.
The blade was impossibly sharp, the ban on hurting humans forging an edge that reaped immortality. The ban on harming those genuinely Good, by Rachumel's ideals, would ensure its blade would bite all the deeper into those who worship Evil. The ban on harming the innocent made the sword an excellent shield against those guilty of crimes or judgement, oddly enough. And in preventing himself from being the aggressor, Rachumel's blade bites back all the harder on those who aggress upon him. Were it these attributes alone, Eldruin would be a fine blade.
But the blade took on more. Indestructibility, even at Father's hands. The ability to destroy seals, especially of the demonic variety. Protection against corruption and poison. The sword was sentient enough to fight on its own at Rachumel's command, and the blade's edge carried conceptual weight - Michael doubted there was anything it could not harm outside of its restrictions. He's certain there is even more simply waiting for his little brother to draw it out.
He was not surprised Rachumel could not wield it yet. His brother is many things, and he does adore how he is so unafraid of the Seraphs that he would even nickname them.
But he is not yet ready for the weight of Eldruin, and what it will cost him to wield it. There is a deep part of Michael that desperately hopes his cheerful little brat of a brother never has to.
He knows Father wishes the same.
"Come, Rachumel. There is some cleaning you need to do, is there not?" He speaks up, as Rachumel turns towards him with a pout. Adorable.
"Ugh, do I have to? I already spent all morning getting everything but my sword cleaned by Ray-Ray and Kalawarna," he replied.
Odd. Why would they be allowed to see Eldruin? "Then you'll simply have to have another bath with Gabriel when you're done. I'm sure she'll delight in spending time with you."
Hrm. His face looks pained. Micheal thought Rachumel enjoyed cleaning himself with Sister Gabriel. Mysteries upon mysteries with you, little brother.
PoV- Rachumel, Angel of Blue Balls
I finished dragging my improvised magical eraser across the floors of the armory, and despaired that they would likely be even dirtier in a week's time. A janitor's work is never done, even in heaven. I would like to posthumously apologize to all the janitors I saw in school. I didn't realize how annoying your job is.
As I moved on from the armory, leaving Michael behind, Father was back from Her dip to… wherever She went this time. The Beast's cage, the Sea of Souls, or maybe just to observe some other phenomenon. In either case, I received a wave of surprise and happiness that I apparently hadn't caused a mess of some kind while She was gone.
I was mildly offended. Causing a mess every time Father disappears makes me predictable, and there's no way I'm gonna settle for being fucking predictable. Who do they think I am, Loki?
I ignored the small wave of dread that comes from Dad before She shuts off our connection. Shame. I was about to send a mental picture of me putting Her in a mating pre-
Oh. Hello there.
I halt my flight above the Fifth Heaven, and look down to where my dear sister Gabriel, in all her blonde, huge titty glory, is chatting with none other than Azazel. You know, that Azazel. The one who is going to Fall because he saw a human woman bathing and decided, "Yeah, I'm gonna have sex with this random human." Like, I'm fairly certain he just picked the first naked human he saw. But I can also see that even now, the seeds for his Fall have been planted, because holy shit, he can't tear his eyes from Gabriel's amazing breasts.
When she's right in front of him. Trying to ask about his day.
No wonder he and Issei liked each other. They had tits for brains.
So naturally, I must do as all little brothers must. Cockblock my asshole sibling. Without a moment's hesitation or regret, I folded my wings in and went for a divebomb. As is customary, I announced my sneak hug by yelling "BANZAI!" as I try to crash into Gabriel.
Try, because she instantly plucked me out of the air and squeezed me in a hug hard enough that my ribs protested their treatment by forcing the vocalization of squeaky-toy noises.
"RACHUMEL! Little brother!" Gabriel hugged me harder, and with my face stuck in her chesticles, I contented myself with a death worthy of Valhalla. "It's so good to see you! We haven't talked in so long!"
"We talked yesterday, Gabby." I managed to croak out some words, but oxygen refuses to bless my lungs with life.
"That's too long! I want you to say 'banzai' every morning, Rachy!" Gabriel planted a kiss on the top of my head. I think she's forgotten Azazel exists. I haven't, because I can hear his teeth grinding even as boobs squished my head.
"We just need," my breathing is now irregular, my words interspersed with wheezing, "to share a bed… every night… and I can do that!"
"OH! That's a perfect idea, Rachy!" Gabriel swung me back and forth in her death grip of a hug. Then, without warning, she paused, and then slumped. "Aww… Sorry, Father just said I'm not allowed to share a bed with you…. Yet? I don't get it, but Father says no."
Damn you, Father! STOP BLUE-BALLING ME! You've made Gabby sad! UNFORGIVEABLE.
"Ahem." Gabby shifted to look at Azazel again, still squeezing me to her chest. "Perhaps you should let go of our little brother, sister, he appears to be suffocating a little?" Ha! You think you're clever, you used-car salesman? Nice try!
"A worthy death!" I croaked out, but Gabriel has already loosened her hold on me. In turn, I merely rotated myself in her hold so my back was to her abdomen. Then I looped my small arms up and over her huge breasts, emulating the GOAT of GOATs, Kazuma, as I rested my head between her tiddies, squishing them to either side of my head. Gabriel cooed above me, one hand petting my fluffy red hair as several of her wings reached around (heh) to help support my new 'hug.' "Besides, we're all fine with hugs here, Azazel."
"Rachy's hugs are definitely my favorite kind," Gabriel agreed, content to pat my luxuriously fluffy hair.
"Of course, then." I watched smugly as Azazel grit his teeth at my total dominance over him. I would have T-posed, but my arms are full of perfect head-sized titties. A worthy trade, methinks. "But what we're discussing is a bit over your head, Rachumel, as a single pair of wings sibling of ours. You shouldn't-"
"There's nothing complicated about lipstick, Azazel," I breezily bypassed his sad attempt to unhook me from being Gabriel's impromptu bra. "You put the concoction on your lips to change color or accentuate your features to make you look better."
"That sounds a little bit like lying," Gabriel said, and I crane my head up for a second to see her thinking face, the hand not in my hair tapping against her chin.
"Kinda, but in the same way facial hair for men is lying," I replied, simultaneously giving more explanation and dumping over Azazel's sad goatee that makes him look like a Disney villain. "It's not a harmful lie unless you never intend to let someone see what you look like without it."
"Oh… I suppose that isn't too bad, then." She smiled down at me, and returned to petting my hair.
"There's…" Azazel paused, as clearly I stole his entire thunder, and raised an eyebrow as he gritted his teeth and shook his head. "Once again, little brother, you fail to understand the true depths of cosmetics. This lipstick, for example, is so one can add color, texture, and a protective layer to the lips, but it also allows one to enhance beauty, boost confidence, express personality, and convey social status or cultural messages."
I felt only mildly bad for him, because Gabby is way too busy playing with my hair to pay attention to him now. So I looked my older Grigori brother dead in the eyes, and say "Okay, Boomer."
"Of course, a sniveling little kid like you would surrender at my better understanding!"
"Okay, Boomer."
"…What does that even mean, you smug brat?!" He shouted, throwing his hands (and the tiny tube of cosmetics) into the air in frustration. Without even bothering to look back, or pick up the lipstick, he stalked off, muttering under his breath.
My eyes, however, follow the drifting of a single black feather to the ground behind him.
Hrm. I'm running out of time if black feathers have already appeared. I wonder where Helel is.
"Rachy, do you want to take a bath together? I can tell you're all sweaty from all your cleaning!" Gabby spoke up, her voice as angelic and innocent as ever.
"…Sure, Gabby. I'd love to."
"Woohoo!" She hopped in the air, which of course claps her huge badonkers to either side of my head, which utterly discombobulated me. "You can even keep hugging my breasts while we're there! I like the way you make them tingle!"
…What was I thinking about again? Oh, right. The utter suffering that is going to be bathing with the most beautiful angel in Heaven.
…If I could plow her properly, I would make Gabby an entire football team of kids.
But apparently, this is my cross to bear. I'm sure I can handle another bath with my incredibly busty sister who loves it when I play with her body because she doesn't quite get its sexual pleasure, all without popping a boner.
…I've made a huge mistake.Last edited: Oct 25, 2025 Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:crofty666, Daoisttian3, HOLLOWRAPPER and 1,675 others
PoV - Rachumel, PhD in Shiposting
"Hey Dad, got a question." I floated up next to my Father as She sat in Eden. In Her hands was probably a new kind of… turtle? "Why the fuck did you make a zombie mushroom?"
"I did not, and I'll kindly ask you to refrain from such slander." With a hum, She put the finishing touches on some variation of not-snapping turtle. "That evolved naturally."
"Holy shit, Earth is a fucking death world. Wait, you and the other pantheons just… let a zombie fungus exist?"
"We're not wiping out the zombie fungus because you're afraid of fungus zombies."
"Are you sure we can't? I'll spend a week between your legs as your personal carpet cleaner if you do!"
I watched as Father slowly rotated Her orb of a head towards me. "Besides being wildly inappropriate, Rachumel… you are already immune to being infected by such a mundane thing, even if it did wildly mutate to infest and invade the human body." Her hands reached into the dirt to begin crafting another animal. "And being between My legs would be more of a reward for you than for Me, you brat."
"Yeah, it would. But you'd still enjoy it!" I smirked as She shook Her head. "But besides that, humans could still get infected! This is to protect them! And if we can't get rid of it, we just need to give humans magic!"
"Like the idea to use the Tree of Life and its symbolic connection to the other cosmological Trees in the universe to graft that 'Chakra' into all of humanity?" Huh. Dad sounded sarcastic there.
"Yeah! Great idea, huh?"
"Yes, I'm certain all the other divines would leap for joy at a mass empowering of humanity." Yeah, that was definitely sarcasm that time. "The answer is no. First, I would need to design an entire magic system that's usable by humanity, all of humanity, not just the descendants of Adam and Eve. Then, said magical system, as it combines the energy of the soul and body in unique ways, would likely need biological organs in the body to work, likely along the major blood vessels to reach all the organs. I would then need to graft an extraneous set of magical organs into every human being throughout the world at the same time under the nose of the rest of the supernatural. And then, I would need to manage to protect a humanity that now has the power to declare total war against their predators, who would not take their prey growing stronger lying down."
"…Well shit, when you put it that way, that's just asking for humanity to get slaughtered."
"Your idea is brilliant, Rachumel. I won't deny the sympathetic resonance of the Tree could accomplish it." She reached a hand out to cup my cheek. "I would like nothing more than to prevent humanity from being prey. I understand you want to give humanity their own magic for protection, but you know why I can't."
"Aren't we planning to fight the rest of the world anyway? Or, okay, to be more accurate, all the world's egos are going to be affronted there's someone with an equally shiny chair."
"Not all at once. Even I cannot fight all the world at once and win cleanly."
"You don't need to believe in yourself! BELIEVE IN THE RACHUMEL WHO BELIEVES IN YOU!"
A melodic laugh filled the meadow that we rested in. She pressed a kiss to my forehead before letting go so Her hands could return to working. "The indomitable human spirit in action, I see."
"You know it, hot stuff," I replied, flashing Her the Fingerguns™ for a moment, while She sighed in fond exasperation. "You should laugh more, Elo. It fits you."
Father froze for a moment, before continuing Her work. "I suppose My children will simply need to give Me more reasons to laugh, then."
"How about I give you triplets so you can laugh with a few godly babies then?" I wiggled my eyebrows and gave Elohim my best smile.
"You remain incorrigible, I see." Oh yeah, She was definitely blushing under that orb. My Hentai Protagonist senses can tell these things. "Cease, Rachumel. I have work to do."
"Okay, but slightly more seriously, is there no way to give humanity their own magic without things going to shit?"
Father paused Her work for a moment to sigh. "Your world was barely intact without it. What do you think adding Magic to that equation would have really done." It was a testament to Father's love that Her tone wasn't haughty, or annoyed, or even exasperated. Just exhausted. Pained.
"I thought we believed they could be better." I didn't pout, because I don't pout, but I doubt I struck a very intimidating figure.
"Could is not will. It is a choice to be good. It is a choice to be evil. It is a choice to be apathetic." Father absent-mindly finished the small bird She was making, sending it off to Adam to be Named. "The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy."
"I get that." I groaned as I dropped from where I floated to sit in Dad's lap, where she began brushing my hair. "I really do. I knew enough lazy bastards in my last life. Hell, my kids weren't exactly bastions of morality." It was pretty awkward to walk in on your sixteen-year old son trying to make moonshine. I beat his ass for not implementing safety measures, the idiot. Can't believe it's been twenty years since I last saw him. "So, yeah. I get it. Humanity will have to figure out their own magic situation… There's no way we're relying on that Dick Wizard, right?"
"Merlin will be firmly on the side of humanity, Rachumel. And the Merlin of this world will not be the one that the female Arthur of your animes dealt with."
"He made magic based on math. MATH! Of all the fucking things, MATH!"
"Just because you failed high school trigonometry doesn't mean the rest of humanity will." Father's hand tugged lightly at my hair. "Your dislike of mathematics is not universal. I consider Myrddin's magical solution as a viable alternative for humanity, one crafted of their own Free Will and merit."
I fell silent for a few minutes, grumbling under my breath as Father hummed Amazing Grace under her breath. "But seriously, humans aren't nearly as bad as people think. Most other mortal creatures don't exhibit anywhere near the kind of kindness we do."
"They don't. What was that delightful quote? 'Mankind is where the Falling Angel meets the Rising Ape?' That is why I chose them." I hummed in a signature look of superiority as I had Father abandon Her crafting to pamper me for a little bit. "Who knows. Perhaps you will convince other pantheons that humanity should have their own magic… if you ever manage to earn the right to leave Heaven," She added drily.
"Bet. No one can resist my charm forever." I deliberately turned my head to look Elohim in the eye. I'm coming for that fat goddess booty, Elo. Clap those cheeks harder than you'll smite the Tower of Babel.
"…Of course," She responded, and pulled Her hand away to shoo me off Her lap. "Now, is that all? Or do you have a burning need to flirt more with me?"
"I could flirt with you all day, Elo," I answered proudly, floating in the air with a nod of true devotion to my work of getting between her legs. "But I did want to ask something else." I fluttered off for a minute, and came back holding a fluffy platypus. "Can I name this one Perry?"
The groan Father gave me was absolutely sublime. It was even better when I gave the animal his fedora, hehehe.
PoV - Helel, Heir to the Throne
"BANZAI!"
I stepped exactly one foot to my right, neatly dodging my little brother's latest attempt at familial affection. It warmed my heart that my brother was so open with his love for us, truly.
But I have seen Rachumel crawl over too many surfaces to ever let the boy hug me. How does he always find the one clod of dirt with worms in it? "Hello, little brother," I absent-mindly called out, rolling my eyes at Michael's laughter.
Rachumel managed to not crack the marble with his landing this time, because Michael caught him before he could land. "Dammit, Helel! LET ME HUG YOU! Oh hey, Mikey."
"Hello, Rachumel," Michael answered. "You should be more careful with your hugs, you don't want to break the floor again."
"You're too kind to the little rascal, Michael," I muttered.
Rachumel responded by shoving his fingers into his cheeks, spreading open his mouth by way of hooked fingers, and wagging his tongue at me. Charming.
"Rachumel, have you finished your work for the day?" Michael dragged Rachumel into a side hug, supporting our little brother as we walked through the Sixth Heaven.
"Yeah, everything's clean and all that. Spent some time with Dad in the garden. Did you know that rainforests have fungi that can puppet ants like zombies? And it evolved naturally?"
"I did not. That sounds horrific for the ants involved," Michael replied, his eyes gleaming with amusement.
"Yeah. Imagine if it mutates and goes after humanity. That's terrifying…" I tuned out Rachumel's blathering once he got on about humanity. Honestly, there's nothing special about those mortals. I don't understand why all those other pantheons care for them, or why Father believes they're special. They were nothing more than upjumped monkeys that aped at our greatness.
Hrm. Aped. I feared Rachumel's humor was infecting me.
I shook my head and looked over Raphael's reports. The results of recent training across all wings were… intriguing. There were more injuries than before, yes, but no more were any of them debilitating. Injuries were being healed at record paces. And right at the bottom, written just above Raphael's signature, was credit attributed to Rachumel for providing "inspiration."
Little Brother has been a busy, busy bee, hasn't he… I shall ask him about it. I tuned back in his discussion with Michael-
"Yeah, so that's why I think if we just razed all the rainforests down, we can just eradicate any chance of fungal zombies!"
What.
"An… inspired idea, little brother." Michael sounded much less amused now.
"It gets rid of all the spiders, too. Nasty things. I've had a few nightmares about them," Rachumel blithely commented.
Helel met his brother's gaze, and both knew the other thought the same. Penemue must never know, or arachnids will go extinct.
"Rachumel, answer a question for me," Helel said, drawing his little brother's attention away from the disturbing pyromanical bent that Uriel no doubt encouraged.
"I'm not into men, sorry. Unless they look really girly," his brat of a brother answered instantly, and Helel fought the urge to shove the two-winged nuisance into the nearby flowerbed.
"Just… no. Not that nonsense." Honestly, Rachumel's obsession with copulation was odd. "How did you help Raphael in his duties?"
"Whadda mean?" Rachumel quirked his head like a confused puppy. Helel watched Michael visibly fight the urge to pet the brat.
"A recent report has Raphael credit you with 'inspiration' for healing training injuries."
"Oh, that!" Rachumel puffed himself up like a peacock. "So, get this, right? Raphael was experimenting with his healing when I went to go assist him!" So the brat bothered another of his siblings without permission, as is his want. "He was healing someone, but I kinda noticed he was slow about it, and asked why. Raphael said that healing properly takes time to reset everything, as the magic is talking with the body to make sure it remembers how it's supposed to look." Surprisingly correct. Does he pay attention to lectures? "I asked why he was trying to heal everything all at once, and he looked at me all confused."
Michael and I both stopped and looked at each other. "Meaning?" Michael prompted, beating me to the question.
"Well, the body knows how it's supposed to look. Once you confirm that, you don't need to heal all the way, you just need to heal enough that our bodies will absorb Heaven's ambient Holy Spirit through a good night's sleep! So, the better way to heal us angels is to identify what's broken, assure the body knows how to fix it, align everything to be healed, and then heal just enough that the body recovers fully on its own." Rachumel nodded properly with his eyes closed, a hand on his chin in some sort of thinking pose, as we both stared at him. "Raphael managed to heal over three times as many trainees as he used to. I helped hold some of their hands as he did so and reassured them, so I figure that's my good deed of the week!"
Michael and I looked at each other, and once again had the same thought. He just revolutionized our healing processes and doesn't even realize it. To prevent the nuisance's ego from growing, we agreed to never mention it ever in front of him. All without a single word being said.
"Well done, Rachumel," Michael said, lifting the hand not holding Rachumel to his side to dig into our little brother's auburn locks and tussling with his hair.
"What is with you big siblings and Father and messing with my hair?! Gah! Stop it!" Rachumel's tiny arms rose up and beat at Michael's hands futilely, and I stifled a small laugh.
…I don't remember laughing as much before he came into my life. Honestly, sometimes I think Father misnamed you, little brother.
'Laughter of God' would fit you so much more.
"Hey, do you think if I hawked a loogie from here, it would land in the First Heaven?"
…'Nuisance of God' fits just as well, I think to myself, as I pluck him from Michael's unresisting arms and shove his head into Azrael's flowerbed outside of her room.
She'll forgive me. Eventually.
At least I can be assured that the little brat won't eat a worm this time.Last edited: Sep 1, 2025 Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:crofty666, JT'Tales, Daoisttian3 and 1,753 others