was dragged before the court with little fan-fair, nor any true spectacle. It wasn't like in the isekai's, where the King and his somewhat attractive -sometimes smart- daughter would be next to him watching me with curious eyes.
No, instead I got Elaeris by my side, followed by a few guards, a lawman, and several curious nobles…alot of whom were distinctly elven...and female.
I glowered at a smug looking Elaeris next to me.
"You stand before the court of Prince David, ruler of the Free City of Naboovar, accused of impersonating a sentient mortal." the lawman droned, staring at me with something akin to mild boredom.
Poor dude, probably having to do this first thing in the morning.
What followed was mostly just bickering, between Elaeris and the captain of the guard, who looked particularly put out and suspicious about my mere existence, citing rioting and fear. I calmly declared that I would be more than willing to go out in handcuffs, which seemed to do something for elven women in the room that frankly I didn't want to think about right now.
"I have heard enough." The lawman interrupted after the third go-around between Captain Igris and Elaeris. "The accused has given an alternative explanation and, after witnessing the fact that not only was he keeping up with the…" he sneered slightly "conversation going on around him, but also responded with his own ideas, I can only conclude that the Goblin before me is in fact a cursed human." he nodded to himself, as if assuring himself of the thought. "This court finds the Goblin known as Cerebror to be pardoned of his racial curse, and allowed to roam as he wishes, provided he is with a member of the knights at all times."
I blinked slowly.
Wait, that last bit meant-
"I volunteer for maintaining observation, Lawman." A smooth voice came from next to me. I almost couldn't believe how...formal my companion looked at that second, even after having been arguing for the past twenty minutes in front of everyone. The lawman pursed his lips but nodded again.
"Agreed." he said curtly, before cracking his gavel down on the bench and standing, waddling away at speed.
Probably had to go shit himself or something.
Elaeris tittered, smiling at me widely as we walked out of the chambers.
"Isn't this perfect, Cerebror? Now you're a freeman!" she said merrily, even as she kept walking. I managed to match her pace, if only barely.
I raised an eyebrow at her.
"I suppose that last bit has nothing to do with your positivity?" I asked her dryly. For a moment, a devious looking smirk flashed across her face before vanishing.
"I have...absolutely no idea what you mean!"she chirped.
Uhuh.
Feat Acknowledged: Survive your day at court!
1*lesser feat granted!
Travel Booklet
Item
Instead of being a scholarly overview of the world, this is more of an in-depth tourist's guide, with info on must-see attractions, dining experiences, and inns among other things. The booklet updates to include tips for the current setting in each jump
Oooh, free stuff!
I'll have a look at that once I get to my quarters...wherever those are. Hmm.
"Actually, a question arises, where exactly will I be sleeping?" I asked. She turned to me, and I swore I saw another flash of...something in those eyes before she calmed.
"Oh, my home of course, its' the only way to ensure your safety." she said, a touch too innocently. I paused, and looked at her.
"Really?" I asked her slowly. She nodded, eagerness in her eyes as she beamed at me.
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I raised an eyebrow at her slowly.
She cocked her head like a curious child.
"if you touch me in my sleep, I'm not going to go to jail for whatever happens to you." I say flatly, before moving on. She let out an indignant sputter and followed.
"I-If anything I should worry about you!" she retorted, flustered and face red.
Uhuh. Sure Jan.
The city was actually rather impressive, when I wasn't staring at my feet to look like the meekly caught goblin I totally was guys pinky promise.
Naboovar (Hehehehee) seemed to be unlike most fantasy worlds you tend to see, where every street, path and wall is uniform and basically copy pasted. Instead, there were clearly defined districts that seemed to sprawl behind the city walls without much rhyme nor reason.
On the westernmost end, which I could see due to the castle's hillside position, one could see that rather than your standard 'ye olden houses' that looks vaguely Elizabethan or Germanic, instead they seemed to have built up a rather colourful looking district, and I mean that literally. There wasn't a single house that didn't look like Picasso hadn't vomited over it, and in the rising sunlight, it created a surprisingly pleasing contrast compared to other areas of the city, especially since the houses were more 'cottagecore' then 'medieval suffering'.
Further southwards, sat what my newly minted travelling guide called 'the Ironblood district', on account of the sheer number of militant orders, hunter guilds and, most crucially, colosseum's, the largest of which dwarfed even the City wall. The Fantasy Odeon if you will. Wonder if I can get tickets...or participate.
I mean, how much gold can really be-oh the book says…
Hundreds of golden coins?!
My gaze turned thoughtful...and was interrupted by a soft bonk on my head by an armoured gauntlet.
Okay, first of all, ow.
Elaeris looked unrepentant as I scowled up at her (it was a scowl, not a fucking pout, shut up.)
"The last time I saw that look, Cerebror, you ended up liberating an entire slaving towns' stock and killed at least fifteen people." she said flatly. I blinked.
"Am I that predictable?" I asked myself out loud. She giggled again, and shook her head.
"No, I'm just able to see what you're reading, and that look DOES look like trouble." she said. I narrowed my eyes.
"Can't tell if you're being honest and I have a 'trouble' face or if you're just being Goblinist…" I mused out loud, earning a mock gasp from her as she clutched her chest.
"Why I never...Goblins aren't people, Cerebror, so you can't be Goblinist." she said firmly.
A startled laugh broke out of my throat at that, and she smirked as she watched me catch my breath.
"Oh you cheeky bitch, that actually caught me off guard." I wheezed. She just continued to smirk, as we walked further into the market.
We did get a few odd looks, but it seems word spreads fast...either that or Elaeris has been laying a lot of groundwork for me while I was in slammer, it was entirely possible. We weren't bothered besides a few questioning looks at my companion, who shook her head as if to say 'don't worry, he's not any harm'.
Gods I fucking hope there's a fucking roll soon that changes me back.
Wait, speaking of, what are the gods of this world? Or at the very least within the local say, area the size of Europe.
I know about the Goblin and the High Elven one, but that can't be the only ones, surely?
Asking Elaeris about it revealed that faith was considered above all a very private institution. A peculiar outlook that I asked more about.
"One and a half thousand years ago, there was a period of upheaval whereby the Golden Empire and its neighbours descended into total anarchy on account of Religion. The many pantheons that had spread across the world had been butting heads for generations, each desperate to gain as many followers as possible, until at last the mortal world couldn't take it anymore and they went to the next best option; murdering the opposition." she murmured softly.
We'd taken a break from exploring by the nearby canal, and were watching the water go by from seating that had been erected next to it, it was quite nice.
Shame about the conversation topic though.
"From the records, almost five hundred years of slaughtering one another took place, until at last, the man who came to be known as the Prophet of Peace got enough support under his movement to bring rulers and zealots to the table." she continued on, idly playing with some of her blonde hair.
"Sounds like quite the guy." I responded. She hummed softly, nodding.
"He was. Supposedly he duelled every king, every angry paladin, every greedy knight, in single combat for thirty days and thirty nights, before he managed to get them all to agree to a ceasefire, and writing into law that a mortals faith was their own business." She answered. "All public places of worship were to be torn down and their artifacts dispersed amongst the faithful. There was to be no more proselytising, no attempts at conversion, and any militant group dedicated to any particular religion was forbidden from wielding arms within city walls until they renounced their oaths."
I blinked. Several times.
Holy shit, that's...intense.
"I was wondering why I wasn't seeing any temples…" I mused absently as I looked around us once more. Yep, no ziggurats, no weirdly familiar churches or temples nearby. Nothing. She nodded, even as I blinked.
"But wait, then how do faiths continue to spread?" I asked in confusion. "If you can't convert people, then how do religions continue?"
She chuckled and shrugged.
"Mortals like us will always need the Gods, be they good or evil ones. Clerics and Paladins of faiths continue to exist, even if they're not allowed to wield arms within cities, and they are typically the holders of much of that knowledge." she said, smiling somewhat sadly.
"I myself learned much at the feet of Father Elijah, who was a paladin of the God of steel...I may not be of his faith, but he was a teacher, and a good one at that."
Externally? I was fine.
Internally however…
'THE BEAR AND THE BULL AND THE BEAR AND THE BULL AND THE BEAR AND THE BULL-'
I was fine, I think. Maybe getting withdrawal symptoms from touching too much grass. Is that a thing? It feels like a thing.
God I fucking miss the internet...oh shit wait I can't swear like that anymore, what if there's a God of internet here and he's listening to me thinking about using it to look at pictures of thicc catgirls?!
...he'd probably like that actually.
Eventually, we retired to her 'home', which was basically a fantasy studio apartment, except less like something you'd use as an image to some dark fantasy music video and more 'cottage-core where the cottage has been compressed into a single room' vibes.
The kitchen was a singular brickwork counter that had a small ye olden cooking oven in it. There was a desk with some books strewn about as well as a pauldron, a dagger and...was that-
okay...I'm going to ignore that for now.
Lets not make this anymore awkward.
And last but not least, there's the bed...as in singular.
Hm.
"Elaeris?" I asked slowly, pretending to not notice as she scrambled over to her desk and shoved something particularly dick shaped into the desk drawer.
"Y-yes?" she asked nervously.
"Where's my bed?" I asked at last. She paused, and looked slightly nervous.
"Uh...well.." she played with the hem of her shirt, one of those classic white ones with the poofy arms for...some reason.
"W-When we were travelling together I got so used to us being in close proximity that I...well..I sort of forgot?" she tried weakly, voice rising in pitch towards the end like someone who knew their statement was full of shit.
"...You know, you can just ask me to sleep with you, you know that right?" I asked her flatly. She sputtered.
What? Oh you thought I was blind as a fucking bat and hadn't noticed her acting like the fucking childhood friend girl in a harem anime?
Fuck. That.
This girl has been hot as fuck the entire time, and the reason I haven't done jack shit is because she is traumatised and we've been on the road fighting and running on 5 hours of sleep tops.
Plus if we were fucking it would have added like an extra few hours of downtime which I just didn't want to have to deal with. Imagine if we were fucking and then some other goblin tried to join in? Instant mood killer.
"I-I-I wah...no! No why would I-"
"You're not exactly the subtlest, you know? You're a knight, not a rogue." I observed dryly, hopping onto a nearby chair to look at her as she stood in front of her bed, blushing bright red and clutching her chest.
There was silence for a bit as she tried to speak, but just stuttered and spluttered over her words, before I sighed, taking pity on her.
"Okay, look...This whole thing…" I gestured around us. "This adventure...it's been nice to meet you and all, but you're still working off the whole 'my friends were killed and raped in front of my eyes', and while I'm sure that me being here and..not trying to rape you has its perks on helping you recover, I can guarantee you that it isn't enough for your healing overall." I stated firmly. She blinked a few times, eyes watering as she looked at me.
"Th-then...then you don't-"
"ON the contrary, I think you're hot as fuck and if I could, I'd be making sure you left this room looking eighteen months pregnant." I said casually, which apparently made her ears twitch...is that a horny thing? Is it like dicks doing the flexing thing?
These are the real deep lore questions.
"But the problem is, that you're latching onto me as a way to cope, and I'm…" I sighed, gritting my teeth. "As much as I REALLY REALLY want to just bite my way up your thighs and write my name with my tongue on your clitoris-" Another wheeze and ear twitch. "I can't in good conscience do that to you. It's not right." I finished. She stares at me for some time, and I sigh.
"I'll just...give you some time to think" I mumbled, already heading to the door.
She didn't stop me, which spoke more volumes than I think I wanted really.
Feat Acknowledged! Resist being a manipulative cunt to get that Elven Cunt!
1*lesser roll granted!
Generating…
Rinkaku
Ability
Tokyo Ghoul - Allows you to manifest a tentacle-like biological appendage made of special RC Cells that allows it to freely go from fluid-like water to tough as steel. The Rinkaku takes the form of multiple tentacles that emerge from your lower back, they are incredibly flexible and can be used to pierce, whip and even grab opponents or help the user manoeuvre around.
Alert! 5 Abilities gained! Second Ability slot opened!
….Go fuck yourself system.
I had taken my new found ability to become doctor Octagonapus and yoinked myself up onto the roof of the building. Not that hard, considering how utterly ridiculously strong I am, and the Ghoul-bullshit basically ups my utility by a thousand.
I stare at my new 'limbs', four, two on each side, that curl slightly inwards, jutting spikes lining them like rows of teeth-
wait.
"Did the fucking Rinkaku copy the Sanghelli Jaws?!" I hissed in irritation. The tails curled in aggravation with me, and I had to resist the urge to grab the floor beneath me and just yeet myself into space.
This whole 'being a good person' shit is hard man. Or at least it is when you're dealing with the only person you could call a friend basically crashing out because you won't fuck their traumatised ass.
Seriously, why couldn't she just take the other route and just be like reluctant to look at me or some shit? Why this horny shit?
I know why, but still, come on.
I sigh, and toss a loose pebble off the roof, making sure it doesn't hit anymore as I contemplate my next move. No doubt the vizier is going to eventually turn up and demand I do something vaguely shady, like steal something. Maybe that'll take my mind off things.
...sniff sniffle…
or maybe...maybe I'll hear someone crying in an alleyway and look over.
Oh that is…that is a child. That is a smol little creature. Curled up against all, arms over her chest, she's sniffling away like she's trying to lose her body weight in water out her nostrils and eyes.
...Christ that's a terrible fucking metaphor, don't think about that.
I watch curiously for a moment, and then frown as I watch a man come from further down the alleyway. His eyes widen and gleam with 'intent' before they soften slowly, and he starts walking closer.
"Are you alright girly?" he asks. My eyes narrow.
Oh hell no.
The girl refuses to respond as the man gets closer, and closer. I raise my foot to step over the ledge as the man reaches out-
BANG
I blink in earnest surprise as the girl...who is in fact a woman judging from the cleavage on her now revealed dress, turns around and raises her palm up flat to face the man, and a minor rune glowing on it flashes once, creating a bright enough light to disorient me, and I'm on the fucking rooftops.
To take that directly-did she make a fucking fantasy flashbang?!
My thoughts fail me as I watch the lady stand up (to barely hip height) and proceed to punch the man in the balls hard enough to lift him off the ground. He lets out a sound closer to a bagpipe, and collapses, and she punches him again for good measure.
All in all, it took maybe five seconds.
I...am speechless.
As she starts robbing the man, I can't help but suck in a breathe.
Oh no, one of my many weaknesses in women, chubby, competent, and a Redhead.
That's actually a three for one.
I can't NOT approach her now.
She's chuckling to herself as she loots the unconscious person, and I, like a lil' freak, slowly clamber downwards from the rooftops using my tentacle teeth.
God I fucking hate that.
"So, you so desperate for cash you resorted to faking at being a kid to mug people?" I asked overhead. She squeaked, and waved her hand at me, and before the flash even finished one of my rinkaku lashed out, wrapping around it and stopping it in an instant.
She stares at her hand, and then at me in something close to mild horror, before she blinks.
"Wait, are you that fucking Goblin the shouty boys are yelling about?" she asked me, her voice...weirdly Irish?
What the fuck is this.
I nod carefully, lowering myself onto the ground.
"I am he, yes." I said carefully. She made a 'huh' sound, before she looked at my...appendage. Ugh.
"Didn't mention you could do a red light district warlock impression." she smirked at me. I stared at her flatly.
"The fact that you know those even exist says more about you then it does about me." I replied snarkily, earning a choked wheeze and a flush.
"Fuck off! Sometimes a gal wants to get a bit wild!" she defended, crossing her freed arm under her breasts. I raised an eyebrow.
"And 'stealing from innocent inquiring folk' doesn't count as wild?" I asked in a drawl. She rolled her eyes.
"Oh please, this pricks' as innocent as a necromancer at a corpse fucking party." she scoffed, before pointing at him again.
"I've wiped his mind three times now, and he still tries this shit every time. He's donated almost fifty gold to me now." she smirked somewhat proudly at me, and I sighed.
"So why not just kill him?" I asked.
"You don't kill stupid marks, moron. You let them go and keep feeding on them later." she said as if I was stupid, which…
To be fair, I was not quite so read up on fantasy GTA society. I sighed again, and leaned back, letting her hand go.
"Fair enough...name's Cerebror." I said after a moment. She stared at me for a while in confusion, before shrugging.
"Mavis."
"Nice to meet you Mavis, you want a drink?"
"Y'sure you want to go drinking with a thief you just watched filch some coin?" she raised an eyebrow at me.
"No, but frankly you're hot enough that I can let that shit pass." I stated with a rolled shoulder, feeling my rinkaku slorp back into my spine. She tilted her head.
"You what?"
"You pass the crazy/hot scale enough for me to forgive a bit of 'robbing the paedophile', though your lack of murderous instincts appal me." I drawled at her. She snorted, clutching her sides as she giggled in a surprisingly cute fashion.
"Oh Stars you're definitely someone interesting...Fuck it, why not? What's the worst that could happen?"
Four hours later.
"TAKE THE NEXT LEFT, THE LEFTTTT!" Mavis roared into the rainfall, as I yanked the horse in the direction needed. The carriage behind us creaked as we Tokyo drifted around the corner, slamming into a flower shop before continuing forward at top speed, the sound of gunfire coming from behind us.
I snarl, wiping some of the rain from my face even as we continue, the chest of gold and the skeleton band safely ensconced with our looting spree and playing a familiar (to me) ditty. Turning around, I glare at my compatriot in arms as she leans back, one of her tits out and drinking from a bottle.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I shouted back. She looked at me, and smirked, making sure to take another swig.
Fuck, that's a good argument.
Up ahead shows another trio of horseback gunners, waiting for us in line as they finished loading their guns.
"WOAH shit-"
I pull, hard, and the horses let out a sound like screeching tires (Somehow) as they shift to the left again, and slip into an alleyway barely large enough for us. The sound of grinding wood accompanies Jack sparrows music as the woman behind me aims backwards and fires a spell of some kind.
"All this because you couldn't NOT use some loaded dice!" I spat over my shoulder, the horses bursting out of the narrow passage and into a town square of some kind with all the aplomb of a baby being shot out of a womb.
"It's the principle of the thing! He called me a fucking unlucky bitch! Maven ain't unlucky she's a goddamn QUEEN of spellblades!" she shrieked over my shoulder, words slurring. I rolled my eyes as the horses -of their own accord- took another pathway.
"Maven is also speaking in the third person, which sounds douchey as fuck!" I retorted earning a drunken whine.
"Maven is...Maven is very drunk and such." she proudly declared, even as she sniffled.
Another turn saw her throwing up over the edge of the carriage. I think some of it hit my skeletons.
"Just tell me how close we are!" I said at last.
Fuck me, how could this get any worse?
Two hours later…
How the fuck am I here, WHY am I here?!
"You come to me on the day of my daughters wedding.."
Why am I stuck dealing with the fucking Halfling Mafia??? WHO TAUGHT THEM HOW TO DO AN ITALIAN MOB ACCENT?!
"Father Bird, I swear, we had-"
"Maven my girl, If you so much as raise your tongue in your mouth, I shall have you sent to the dogs." ...fuck man, this motherfucker don't play around.
"Now you...Goblini" okay, weird flex "you say you saved my dear sweet niece from certain death because of her behaviour...you have earned a favour...please, speak it to me."
I stare at the man for a moment, his crusty blue eyes focused on me with the intensity of a third year uni student high on weed. I don't think he even knows what house he's in.
"I uh...I don't suppose you have any magic books?" I asked him. He chuckled.
"Ohhhh, Mr goblini...you want to learn magic? Well, Mavis is pretty good, but she learned from the best...I'll send a pigeon with the address to go to tomorrow...now, will you join us for the wedding?"
"Sir, I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"That's my boy…"
The next day
I woke up feeling like my skull was being used as a Goblin war drum. Fuck that shit hurts, how much did I drink last night…
I slowly, carefully open my eyes, and find myself...alone?
Huh.
Clothes are on, I didn't have any coin on me, so I'm...fine?
Lets see...attended the wedding, the husband was cute as hell, flirted with him a bit...danced with Mavis, she threw up in a plant...started drinking some more...I think we ended up in a fantasy motel?
I looked around slowly. It sure looked like a shit spot. To be fair, I didn't really know the family...Wait, why the fuck was Mavis hunting paedophiles for cash when she's related to the fucking mob?
Unimmersed. Unsubscribed.
No wait….I remember now, she's not exactly well liked by her family, on account of her...something to do with causing chaos?
Basically she's a fucking gremlin in a halfling costume, and cost the 'Family' more than she'll ever be able to earn back. At least, working like she is…
Speaking of which-
WHAM
"YO bossman! WAKEY WAKEY!"
Instant slot in of greater throw, maximum velocity a pillow into her face.
Mmmm, satisfying...ah yes, her uncle made me write a contract of service for her, since I'm able to 'keep her in check'.
The fact that he said that with a straight face when I spent three hours being chased by gunmen makes my butthole pucker, not gonna lie.
Feat acknowledged: Go on a pubcrawl! Get in trouble with a crime gang! Get connected to the mob! Hire your first follower! Eat over 100 Profiteroles in a single sitting!
3*Lesser rolls granted!
1*average roll granted!
Generating lesser rolls…
Harem King
Trait
There's just something about you...it could be your looks, it could be your attitude, it could be the power of a perk bending the narrative in your favour. Whatever it is, people are drawn to you like flies to honey. Friends come to you as easily as breathing, and you will quickly come across attractive love interests from all walks of life who will become very interested in you. Intimately so. Better, if you can't settle for one, those newfound lovers who've had time to get to know each other will learn to share you, possibly even becoming united in their pursuit of your happiness. Even if you're not intrigued by any romantic benefits, pursuing these new links will quickly let you form a social circle dedicated to your well-being and happiness. While people won't drop their own goals and agendas for your sake, or react any differently to mistreatment, you will quickly become an irreplaceable part of the lives of others. You could easily form a club or lifelong friends this way...or a cult. Whatever floats your boat.
Novice Physics
Skill
You have the skills and knowledge of a Physics Major. You have a decent repertoire of knowledge regarding physics and the laws of the universe. You know why and how things fall down, why magnets repel each other and how to build a nuclear bomb.
Clowning Around
Skill
You are a graduate from Clown College, you know how to tell lame jokes, entertain kids, make balloon animals, fit in comically small cars, apply humorous makeup, and other such skills needed by a professional clown.
Generating average roll…
Adept Polearm Mastery
Skill
You are very talented at wielding polearms, on the level of a veteran spearsman. You are able to effectively wield any polearm such as spears, sickles and halberds with great efficiency and finesse.
….Deep breaths Cerebror. Deep breaths.
The halfling shortstack whined from the floor, pillow still firmly planted on her face.
"bosssss, why'dya do that?" her complaint was muffled by the pillow, thank god.
"I have a hangover, and I'm regretting every decision I ever made. Including getting cursed." I mumbled.
Mavis whined again.
initially I was gonna wait to put this out until tommorow but then I realised that if I did it now, I can make my next chapter name a meme, which means that now you lucky folk get nearly 5K words of goodness.
I'm sure some of you will be pissed that Cerebror DIDN'T decide to insta-get with Elaeris, but first of all: we're in the long game folks, trauma is a bitch and slow burn is sometimes nice, but trust me when I say it won't devolve into harem antics (much. maybe like once per new character who joins the squad). and second of all; this is just Cerebrors opinion on things. Elaeris hasn't given up on him yet, and with time, who knows how their relationship will pan out?
she does. and it involves having her insides scrambled.
Anddd new girl turns up! I really liked Mavis, especially since the rolls we got for being around her were so comically shit. Clown skills, physics and adept polearm are like...they're nice, but considering my man's a spartan in a hentai world...well.
Anywho, let me know what you think, I hope you enjoy this!
Peace! Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:idk152, Death & Gravitas, Ronmr and 643 others
Admittedly, turning up on Elaeris' doorstep looking thoroughly hung over with a hot halfling girl calling me 'bossman' the morning after I basically turned her down was PROBABLY not the best idea, judging from the attempt to slam a sword pommel into my skull.
Luckily for me, I'm very durable.
Fortunately, I was able to defuse things with the cunning use of 'its her fault, and she needed help'. Aka; blaming your best friend for something in school.
Mavis wasn't a fan.
"So you just picked up a wretch from the street? A woman at that?" Elaeris pouted at me, her eyes big and teary. The effect was ruined somewhat by Mavis scoffing, making the elf's face turn on a dime and sneer at the shorter woman who was sneering right back.
"Oh please, big talk from a girly girl who's never even seen the backside of an Alleyway. You ever seen outside the castle gate princess?" Mavis spat. Elaeris smirked, crossing her arms under bust (I pretended not to notice it was smaller than Mavis' for my mental health).
"Actually yes, WE are adventurers and WE-" she gestured to me "are both more than capable of handling ourselves. When is the last time you handled anything besides your brothers dic-"
"OKAY! no." I cut in, standing between the two of them as they yelped. "we don't do incest insults, that's rude." I say, pointing at the elf, who pouted again, which was ignored as I turned to Mavis "and we don't try and start fights with the bourgeois, got it?"
The girl huffed and looked away. Turning back to Elaeris, who was now looking at me with those big eyes again-
Knock knock!
I took the out with the grace expected of a Goblin, and sprinted for the front door, where a man I could only describe as 'peasantcore' was standing...by which I mean his face looked vaguely like AI generated peasant, not that he was clothed like a peasant, that would be a given.
"Afternoon sirs...I uhh.." he looked down, realising who he was speaking to and seemed to shudder. Rude.
"I've been sent to inform you that you have a meeting with the Vizier in the castle at high noon, sir." he said, a touch nervously. I stared at him flatly, almost tempted to spit something at him, but held back by the grace of god.
"Thank you sir, I'll be right-"
"WELL SO WHAT IF YOU MET HIM FIRST! HE'S ON CONTRACT WITH ME!"
"WELL IIII AM HIS GUARD!"
"OH WOW, YOU'RE DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB AT THAT, DID YOU KNOW HE MET WITH THE FUCKING HALFLING GANG LAST NIGHT?!"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"
I sighed as the runner (And several street goers) looked in the direction of the house I now lived in as the two bickering women escalated behind me. I smiled weakly.
"Excuse me please...I'll be up at the castle on time, make no mistake!" I called through the door before slamming it shut and running back up the stairs.
Sure enough, Mavis was currently pulling Elaeris' hair from her spot on her back, while the elf howled and shrieked and shook like a dog.
Sighing, I rolled my shoulders and felt my...appendages? Rinkaku, whatever, slip into place and emerge from my lower spine, gently grabbing each girl with enough force to tear them away and place them on opposite ends of the room. They both squirmed and protested of course, but, this being a Hentai world and all, I'm pretty sure the heavy panting wasn't because of rage.
I stared at them flatly.
"Okay, Lets make this clear, NEITHER of you own me, okay? If anything? I own you two. One of you got contracted to me to make cash, and the other one feels obliged to stay because of trauma bonding." I looked at each of them respectively.
"What you have FAILED to notice is something so crucial that, frankly, I worry about your basic observation skills if you haven't seen it so far." I say, rolling my eyes. Mavis growled at me.
"Oh? And what's that your highness?" she snarls.
I pretend I can't feel her gently bucking her hips against one of my 'teeth' protrusions as I look at her flatly.
"I have two hands, idiots." I say, raising said hands easily.
Both girls blinked.
"eh?"
"Neither of you are replaceable, and neither of you are going anywhere anytime soon, so lets put it simple. I can take care of each of you just fine. You don't need to get defensive about the other, you don't need to do that 'pecking order' shit, because you're both equally horny and pathetic brats beneath me, and frankly? I don't have time to deal with shitty relationship drama because the two of you feel unappreciated. Just talk to me like a person, don't throw shit at one another and break whatever THIS is-" I waved them both around for good measure "up. Okay?"
They both stared at me, seemingly stun-locked for a moment before Mavis turned to the Elf.
"Share?" she asked gruffly.
I blinked.
Wait.
Elaeris flushed and whimpered slightly.
"I don't think I could handle him alone anyway." she whispered, though it was still clearly heard in the quiet.
WAIT.
Both girls nodded, and something akin to mutual understanding flared in their eyes.
I have been out-Harem'd and I swear I will never be out-Harem'd ever again.
Feat Acknowledged: resolve your first Harem Argument!
1*lesser roll granted!
Generating…
Leo Ring
Item
The Leo Ring once belonged to Dragonslayer Ornstein. It increases the penetrative power of your piercing attacks made against the enemy in the same moment they attempt to go on the offense, allowing them to thrust even deeper. Lethal in the hands of a patient, methodical fighter.
Oh piss off! I don't need MORE help doing thrusting attacks you PRICK of a system.
Silence came the strange reply.
The castle was as extravagant as it was simple to move around, something I deeply appreciated since the idea of having to navigate something like the Red Keep from game of thrones made my ADHD ass want to throw up.
Wait, do I even have ADHD now? Did my reincarnation make me neurotypical? Can Goblins even HAVE autism?
These are the real Lore questions.
After getting kicked out by the two women for 'girl time', I was swiftly on my way to the castle and finding my...benefactor. Ugh.
Naturally, the Vizier, being a 'down to earth guy', had his lair basically in his own dungeons, away from the 'regular' dungeons, where the only sunlight that could get in was through a very narrow series of slits in the roof that made arching beams of light through the dark.
I gave it a 7/10 on dramatics as I looked around.
Documents were piled high, and various fantasy knick-nacks lined the walls, including several skulls and ominously glowing potions.
hm.
The man himself looked pleased to see me as I sat down opposite him (he didn't even get me a fucking appropriately sized chair, the bastard.) and nodded to him.
"Good afternoon, Sir Goblin...I'm glad to say I have already found a use for you that would help the realm...immensely." he purred(?!). I nodded again.
"There's a man in the southern Farmers market, a Minotaur named Gunther, who has been bothering the local merchants. He's been seen interrupting several business deals and I would like for him to be dealt with." his eyes peered at me over the desk, his fingers once again twirling his beard.
I hummed.
"I see...I can get that done, sure. How much?" I asked. He smiled thinly.
"Why, it depends on how well you handle the man, sir goblin. If he's simply disappeared, then that'll be good, but if you were to...set an example…" his eyes grew lidded as he smiled at me. I had to delve into my recently gained Occlumency skills to keep my face neutral even as I wailed at how fucking cringe this guy was being.
The rest of our conversation was somehow even worse. Imagine one of those 'I made this AI watch 1000 hours of X' but made it about Game of Thrones Politics scenes.
Yeah, somehow that bad. By the end I left with a raging headache and thoroughly irritated. And it just got worse.
"You there, Goblin. HALT."
I froze. Not of my own will of course, that was a 'command'.
The sound of heavily armoured footsteps thudding towards me made me grit my teeth, even as my head tilted slowly to look over my shoulder.
...and then look up….And up...and up.
Good lord that is one big bitch.
She looked at me with the kind of cold fury that one would only have when someone has personally slaughtered their entire famil-
….oh crapbaskets.
Did I just meet Fem-Goblin slayer? Goblin slayeress?!
"You...you claim to be cursed, do you not?" she asked, standing over me with a sword that stood a whole extra third taller than me. Eep.
Well, scarousal is definitely a thing.
"I...do, yes. I was thrown into the forest and turned into-"
"I Care not for the rest." Okay rude. "I only wish to ascertain the truth of the what I've asked."
I blinked slowly, trying to keep my heartbeat slow. The 'Feasting on Ashes' perk somehow kicking in and helping me guide my body ot make sure I didn't accidentally piss off what looked like walking battleship.
"I shall find the truth through the sole art that can express such things freely." she said, hefting her sword over her shoulder.
The Ashes perk basically pulled a looney tunes 'looking downwards after running off a cliff' gag mentally. Not sure how it did that.
"Is that art violence?" I asked weakly.
She smirked.
Oh no.
CLANG
I barely spawn my armour and spear both before getting punted down the hall and out the window. Several maids scream as I fall into the courtyard, rolling across it like some fucking cartoon before slamming into the far wall hard enough to make me wheeze from losing my breath.
Holy.
Shit.
She's stepping through the...entrance she made, sword still held over her shoulder like it weighed nothing.
Fuck me running that hurt. I roll my shoulders as I stand, spear still firmly in my grip even as my adrenalin is currently running like a lunatic, already numbing the pain in my...everything.
The grounds clear as the woman takes a single step onto the grass and-
Disappears?
I barely throw myself forward to doge the kick that lashes out from my skull, the heel of which crushes the stonework where my head was what the fuck-
I lash out with the spear, jabbing her shoulder but not getting more than a fraction of the tip in (heh) before I'm defending from another strike.
How the fuck is she wielding that thing one handed!?
I have never been more grateful for my spear, as it's width and inherent strength means I can withstand the absolute fucking lashing this bitch is giving me, striking me over and over again with various cleaving attacks that gouge the earth beneath us.
I'm forced backwards and backwards and backwards, each step tricky and trying to stabilise myself on the rapidly disintegrating ground.
How the fuck am I meant to deal with this 'return to monke' build?!
I leap backwards, dodging another swipe and landing with my feet pressed against the wall, she follows instantly, blade ready to pierce my skull, only for me to leap over her instantly and desperately swing the tip of the spear into her back, which she dodges.
...but not entirely.
A thin line appears on her back, and she actually hisses, before turning to face me again. I grimace.
She grins.
Ah, fuck.
She launches herself with a roar, and this time I can see the holy fucking fire on her sword, and even as I block the strike, the heat of it still singes my flesh, making me yelp.
Okay, we're not doing shields anymore, time to Bloodborne.
I focus again, and the world slows slightly around me as I bring the spear around again and stab towards her shoulder-
CLANG
Only for her to parry?! She's looking at my spear, HOW THE FUCK IS SHE SEEING THIS?!
She only grins again, and twirls, and though I'm 'seeing' her slower, we're equally as fast as she clashes against me, a punch breaking through my defence and shattering the pauldron on my armour.
I bite back a scream as I twirl from the sheer force of the punch, already turning the momentum into attack as the spear swings around once more and I strike once more.
It becomes a stalemate, our blades meeting faster than a normal man could ever see, though I have no clue how the fuck she's doing this. Another strike cracks open my arm's gauntlet like a crab, while a punch manages to bloody her nose. Her blade is practically golden with how much flame is wreathing it.
Another kick sends me sky high, and I take in the views for a moment, before she leaps after me, and suddenly we're duelling on top of the battlements, thankfully empty of people as our strikes are able to cleave through stone, let alone flesh. Her sword somehow manages to flit like water around her, creating an impenetrable defence as she curls her arm around like she doesn't have any bones in it, while I'm jabbing at her and constantly pushing her backwards as I stab at least three times a second. It's not helping.
What the fuck is with this gal?!
My spear tip finally makes an opening, her sword-work a fraction too slow, and the tip of the blade pierces through her thigh armour like an egg shell, sending ionising blood splashing and hissing across the ground. She lets out a pained yell and falters.
But I don't hesitate bitch.
I slot in Greater throw without hesitation, and, grabbing her, use my full might to toss her down into...the training grounds below? Huh that's lucky.
The impact is loud enough to and big enough to probably be heard around the entire keep, as I drop down the side carefully and land with a roll.
There's silence from the crater as I walk towards it, ignoring the guards that are looking at me with terror as I stop a bit away for the dust to clear.
And then? I hear it.
Laughing.
The sort of low, tired laughter one breaks into when you've been working all day and head home and someone says something so insane you just can't help but laugh.
But slowly, carefully, it breaks into louder and louder cackling, and as the dust clears, I can finally see golden energy outlining the woman's body, golden veins appearing on her flesh as a heat mirage kicks up around her.
Wait, what the fuck?!
Did I activate her second phase? I thought this was a spar?!
But my mind quietens and swiftly turns to the woman, as she reaches towards the heaven with her free hand, her face one of manic reverence.
"Oh mother...oh father...grant me the strength to fight this beast….and prove myself true once more!" she...howls, more or less, and I grimace, but then gape as I watch as a sword seemingly materialises from the sunlight above us, that trickles down slowly further and further...growing in size until finally a pommel and grip are deposited into the woman's hand, creating an absolute monster of a sword.
She stares at it lovingly before she grabs her other blade and holds them both up, pointing them at me with a look of determination.
….Welp, I think I met the main character for this part of the world then.
She moves, and heat encompasses my world as the sun-blade strikes my shoulder with enough force that I feel something crack that wasn't the armour. I reel from the strike, but it's still not enough to dodge the second blade that swerves into my hipbone, sending me flying into the wall again as it cleaves a chunk of flesh and steel out of me.
Ooohh, this definitely hurts big time.
Why the fuck does this bitch have a second phase, who authorised that?
My body is tossed around the training area, and beyond the ringing in my ears, I distantly hear something yelling in the background as each blade seems to take its pound of flesh from me. The spartan pain resistance is pretty much the only reason I'm still conscious right now, not that I really want to be…
Another twirl sends me skidding across the ground, crashing into the dirt and filling my mouth with pebbles and wet grass...the wetness being my blood apparently, ew.
Looking up, I can see her standing over me, face contorted in triumph and satisfaction as the flaming blade lashes down towards me.
I don't think.
I move.
Tossing my spear aside, I launch myself at her, arms outstretched as her eyes widen. She tries to pull away but I latch on with a padded gauntlet around her ear, and bring my elbow up into her nose as hard as I can.
The sound of metal breaking cartilage is a new one for me, but no more horrific than anything else I've heard in this fucking Isekai.
She lets out a muffled curse and drops her regular blade, the fucking thing cracking the earth on impact (how fucking heavy IS that thing?!) as she grabs at me and tries to pull me off. A kick to the gut knocks the wind out of her, and I scramble onto her back and yank her skull back like I'm trying to ride a horse. She falls backwards with a roar that's full of blood, and I can only pant as we both lie there in the dirt.
It's only when she tries to rise again that I hear a rifle bolt shifting.
I blink.
The crazy lady blinks.
We both look up.
The entire surrounding castle wall has been filled with guards, all with loaded crossbows and swords, staring at us with something akin to terror in their eyes. Just a few steps away from us stands a man with pure white hair and...completely naked from the waist up Sweet mother Theresa on a hood of a Mercedes Bends, you could grind meat on those abs.
"I'm going to only offer this once. Surrender, and be taken into custody, or die." he drawled in a….southern twang? Sure, why not. Fuck it.
"Two questions!" I called weakly from the ground. The man nodded his head in acquiescence and I pointed at him.
"One, do you just walk around half naked to aura farm normally or is this a special occasion? And two, how do you feel about getting drinks later?"
The resulting elbow in my gut by my former opponent cuts off any other japes I could have had.
L+ratio+get ganked+Your build is mid+I have second phase bitch+no parents+your face is ugly.
Ah, new girls are coming in fast and furious three, the revengening of family, or whatever the fuck those films are called now. admittedly this will calm down in later chapters, but I mean, it IS a horny world, this type of shit's gonna happen, even if their first meeting was them beating the crap out of one another. Sometimes that's just what you gotta do! I still think one of the best scenes in media is the OG Mr and Mrs Smith house fight scene. That shit was deluxe.
I hope you enjoyed! this'll probably be the last of the chapters I'll be putting out so quickly, expect slower updates from now on, I just really enjoyed the dopamene hit from all the nice messages and people looking at my writing :3.
Let me know what you think!
peace! Like Quote ReplyReport Reactions:Death & Gravitas, Ronmr, Gouki3rd and 547 others
Remember, focus your mind in tune with your heartbeat. Concentrate only on the sound of your body, and nothing else."
Now you may be wondering why I'm currently sat in the royal gardens after having the shit kicked out of me in the palace, and being threatened with a gun.
Well, as Benoit Blanc says lets back it up a bit.
See, Lady Seraphia De Mimsy Sapphire the third (yes that is her name, no I'm not joking. Yes I did laugh like Lego batman when I heard it. Yes she fractured one of my ribs in response.) wasn't just 'any' knight of the Free City. She was a Pyrite Knight of the Empire. This was as they say, a big fucking deal. Why?
Well, imagine if you, a regular guy who looked slightly built, managed to go head to head with, say, Goku at the end of the OG Dragon ball, except Goku was genuinely trying to kill you.
Now imagine how the local nobility would view that.
Pyrite Knights, as I was informed, were essentially as close to 'true royalty' as one could get within the Golden Empire without marrying into the royal family. Warriors who managed to cultivate the so called 'energy of the self', also known as Cenki (Pronounced Sen-Kee) were typically recruited into the order, and were seen as both lawmen and justice deliverers across the empire and the free cities beyond.
And I had just survived a beat-down by one of their members...without Cenki.
Naturally, this lead to me being interrogated again, and when they discovered that I was telling the truth, basically swore me into the knightly order of the city at gunpoint, and I do mean gunpoint, before being whisked away by the head of the knights, the man who'd held a gun to my head the entire day, Sir Thomas. He was a decent man, though I'll be pissing him off for the rest of time in revenge for holding a gun to my head.
It's the little things.
But anyway, I was dragged off and now, here I am the next day, learning how to manipulate Cenki.
Of course, that wasn't the only thing that happened.
Feat acknowledged; survive a duel with a warrior far more powerful than you!
1*average roll granted!
Generating...
Of course Monsters have money, why wouldn't they?
Trait
For some unexplained reason, it would appear that enemies you defeat have, inexplicably, lots of cash on them. Even when that wouldn't make terribly much sense. Maybe they ate it? The stronger the monster or enemy, the more cash they'll have.
A lowly goblin might only have a few coins, but a mighty dragon might have a literal dragon's hoard worth of treasure. You might additionally find items dropped alongside this money, thematic with whatever the creature was that you defeated.
You may automatically have any dropped treasures or items deposited into a location of your choice, such as a personal inventory, a bag of holding, or potentially directly into one of your properties. If you do so, you will gain a mental awareness of what was gained.
The dropped treasure auto-looted will take into account available harvesting and processing skills. For example, if one were a butcher and killed a cow, this perk will automatically dress and butcher the meat.
This also applies harvesting skills to your general vicinity if you so wish; going for a walk through the forest with advanced botany and herb-lore skills will likely result in you passively harvesting many useful ingredients where whereas visiting a mine with the right skills will net you ores.
Now THATS a fucking perk and a half. Sure it's not UBER powerful, but fuck me does it both save time with looting AND helps me with getting cash, since I'm sure as shit not making any from being a henchman.
I Haven't even left the city in a week, and I'm pretty sure the Goblin God is making my brain itchy to return to the wilds, or at least to go on a murder rampage.
Not that I could before getting slammed into the pavement. Ugh.
Anyway, now that you're all caught up on my old frustrations, allow me to introduce you to my newest frustration; Cenki.
Boy howdy was I excited to learn this stuff, finally a new power system! And I can learn it all by myself, so I thought.
And then I actually tried learning it.
Now, maybe it's my modern 'educated in a first world country' brain speaking here, but why the fuck can they not give me a straight answer about how to access Cenki? I've been in this garden for HOURS now, trying to 'access my Centre', to little or no effect. Why?
Because the instructions are bullshit.
"At the Centre of your mind, look towards the centre of your body." Okay, sensei, could you fucking explain what that looks like for me?! No? Just gonna hem and haw over my failure? okay! Dick.
Naturally, both girls were deeply excited and terrified when they learned of what happened. Elaeris seemed exceptionally happy about it, though she wouldn't tell me why, only that it was 'most impressive'. Note to self; Look up lore about the guy whose name I stole. I'm pretty sure he's more important than she's letting on.
"But what IS the sound of my body, sir? I'm trying to listen, but all I'm hearing is my heart." I asked finally, trying to keep my tone polite and not 'fuck ass mad' as I wanted it to be. The man grunted and tilted his head.
"Let me ask you this: Why are you here?" he asked bluntly. I blinked.
"Uhhh, you dragged me-"
"I don't mean literally, moron. I mean in terms of destiny. What do you Desire to do? What is your passion?"He asked me. The garden around us was quiet as I pondered the thought for a moment.
Admittedly, I was given a clear instruction before I arrived here; exist, save lives, absorb chaos. But that wasn't why I was here.
I could have declined the job. I could have -apparently- gone on to rejoin my worlds reincarnation cycle, whatever the fuck that means, and I could have gone back to my world and lived a normal life.
But that's just it really isn't it?
Chances are, it would be just normal. I'd probably be mildly unhealthy, work a job with bad hours, sweat more than I really want to, find someone to love, maybe have a kid, and die. No adventures, no heroics, no Epic Legends. No becoming another Odyssey.
And really, I've had enough of normalcy for a lifetime, pun intended.
"I want to...I want to be more, than this." I admitted finally. Leafs fluttered nearby as I considered my words, sir Thomas not saying a word, merely watching me expectedly. "I want to be more than just another face in the crowd. I want power, I want strength, I want to carve my name into history." I continued. He cocked his head slightly.
"And why is that?" he pressed.
"...because I want to help people." I whispered into the silence.
God, its some absolutely corny shounen bullshit, and a part of me cringes from it, but another part of me reminds me of the singular truth:
'I must not cringe. Cringe is the mind-killer. Cringe is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my cringe. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the cringe has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.'
Nobody ever got through life without being cringe at some point. To be earnest and express yourself and fail, is one of the most human aspects of existence.
So yeah, I want to help people. I want to stop them from getting hurt. I want them to smile. Because otherwise what's the fucking point of having all that power, if you're just going to use it to hurt people?
My mental rant is interrupted by something flaring inside of me, and a warmth that transcends comprehension shudders over my body, covering me with a gentle heat that both makes me feel strong and makes me feel alive in a way I've never felt before.
I smile, and look towards my teache-
Why is he staring at me in confused horror?
"I uhh...I did it I think?" I asked weakly. He stared at me some more, gaping.
"Uhh, sir?"
"You just...did it." he muttered. I blinked.
"Yeah? You...you were teaching me?"
"You figured it out in a single day...you unlocked your Cenki in a single day."
"Is that...odd?" I asked him tentatively. He let out a half hysterical chuckle.
"Oh odd he says...it takes most normal men weeks to find their core, and even longer to drag it out of their centre to cover their body...and you just...figured it out like that" he giggled a bit more madly. I think I broke him? I genuinely don't think its that deep really. It's just your average 'finding your core' stuff. It's not like I had to unlock it via trauma or something shitty like that.
Practising her swings in another training ground, Lady Seraphia De Mimsy Sapphire the third sneezed mid swing, before shaking her head and trying again.
"It took me a MONTH to understand this energy, you understand?!" my teacher howled. "A month of my life spent meditating on who I am?! How the fuck did you do that?!"
"It's really not that hard, sir. I just needed to know who I am inside!"
"Are you so simple that you only needed to ponder on yourself for a minute?!"
"Fuck you dude, just because you ain't got the Cenki-grindset doesn't meant you get to yell at me!"
Feat acknowledged: Gain access to a power system by yourself! Haveee fun with that~
1*lesser roll granted!
Generating…
One Size Fits All
Trait
Your partners no longer feel any discomfort with your physical features, this extends to your phallus somehow fitting inside of them even if it reaches ludicrous sizes.
Soooo the fun of learning new powers wore off remarkably quickly due to one simple fact.
The system was completely and utterly primitive. By which I mean it is the most under developed piece of dogshit that I've ever laid eyes on.
Magic and Ki shit in highschool DxD seems complex compared to these idiot's understanding of central energy. Shit, Cenki lore currently makes DxD look like the fucking Nasuverse magic system in comparison.
You'd think, with the thousands of years they've had to fuck around with a system offshoot of energy distinct from actual magic, that they'd come up with some new interesting ways to handle it eventually, maybe develop a technique or two? Fuck, I'd even take Naruto's 'there are a billion and one techniques but everyone hordes them and the only man who's ever seen more than a hundred of them is evil' compared to this. They have precisely one thing going for them. Just one.
And it's fucking reinforcement of the body, and of objects.
No epic kamehameha's, no destructo-disks, no sage mode, just 'hey, you can make your body tougher, and your sword stronger too!'
and then the system decides to throw THAT shit on top of it. Needless to say, I didn't get out of bed the next day.
Mavis didn't really seem to understand it.
"I don't get what you're pissy about to be honest, you've gotten a power that most of the Family would KILL to have. Why are you so upset?" she asked me, sat at the foot of the bed as she...played with a butterfly knife?
Is the halfling a Spy?!
God I fucking miss the internet.
Oh god of the internet, please send me pictures of cats with cheeseburgers, amen.
I groaned, and rolled over to face her.
"I'm pissed off because it's so fucking simple even a child could learn it. There's nothing cool to do except reinforcement of your body, and that's not exactly going to win me any medals!" I scoffed. She raised an eyebrow.
"The whole point of this was because you almost won a medal for getting your shit pushed in by a gal with Cenki." she pointed out. I did not pout, you can't prove anything.
"I was matching her!" I spoke in a completely normal tone that was not a whine.
"Getting your shit pushed in." she retorted without a tone shift. "and then you managed to fucking learn that whole...thing in a day?" she huffed. Elaeris nodded where she was standing by the door, tea in hand.
"Half the court are absolutely ecstatic, they think you're a prodigy." she continued for the halfling as she placed the cup down next to me.
...it smelled so warm and honey like, how the fuck is she doing that. Right, spartan nose.
Heh, that's dumb.
I sit up after a moment and begin to sip the tea which, DAMN that's some serious gourmet shit.
"Some of the more bold ones are implying you might be an offshoot of the royal family." she mentioned, keeping her eyes carefully pointed away from me. I spluttered out my drink, unable to keep my laughter in check as I lean back in bed, ignoring the hot drink now spread across the bed. Elaeris pouted at me as Mavis raised an eyebrow, the two of them watching me as I caught my breath with something close to suspicion.
"Oh god, me, royal? Please. I haven't even gotten rid of the curse yet, let alone started doing anything CK2 related." I dismissed. Mavis cocked her head.
"see...kay...two? What the hell's that?" she asked.
"A chronic addiction to incest and pagan religions."I answered without hesitation, earning two splutters in return, much to my amusement. The following beating with pillows was well worth it.
With my...training...complete, I was finally released from any official duty (My task with the vizier had not been given a time limit, which honestly? Either a huge villain L or a massive Boss W), and allowed to continue to live my ordinary life, which meant at last, I could FINALLY go adventuring. The Adventurers guild, or as it was known to the locals; the Communal house of undertakers (Which is a fucking balling name, I can't deny.) was located on the main street from the Main Gates to the Castle. Investigation found us standing outside a building that looked frankly unnervingly gothic.
Not helped by the fact that the main hall's architect seemed to go on a bender and create some really fucked up statues, including a pathway of skeletons of various shapes and sizes that lead up to a series of enormous figures that dwarfed even the doors that lead into this place. Each was clearly a beastman of some kind, but even that seemed twisted somehow, corrupted in a way that was unnerving to look at. I couldn't really look away, matter of fact. It was the first time a piece of art had so...thoroughly captured my interest.
"The Three Great Beasts, they're called." a soft voice spoke up from behind us. I spun, having not heard this woman approach us from behind what the fuck- and seeing her made me blink.
Damn.
"Sorry?"I asked, totally not stuttering. I heard Mavis snort behind me and Elaeris sighing as the woman smiled thinly.
"The Three Great Beasts. The greatest foes the house of undertakers has ever fought." She drawled, moving forward on swaying hips to stand before the statues themselves. She gestured to the Elephant-like one.
"The Warmaster." The Lion was next.
"The Tyrant." and then the bird.
"And of course, the Devourer." she smiled slightly. I gulped.
"They are dead right?" Elaeris asked. I blinked, how did she not know?
"Most of the time, yes." the woman answered.
Excuse the fuck out of you?!
"How the fuck can you be dead 'most of the time?'" I asked her incredulously. She turned to look at me, eyebrow raised. I refused to budge as she smirked at me. Thank god I tied my dick to my leg, or else my armour would start getting bent out of shape.
"Sometimes, Demons and Devils bring them back from beyond...other timess their followers do so...and sometimes, they just crawl their way out of hell anyway." she said. I felt something cold slip down my spine.
That is probably the most horrific lore drop I've ever heard. 0/10 Would NOT let VaatiVidya make an ASMR video talking about these guys.
"That's...righttt…" I mumbled, before pointing at them. "So new question, are they dead now?" She nodded, and my heart-rate dropped.
"Yes, I believe they were captured by a magical academy many miles into the Empire, and rather than suffer their...experiments, decided to go out fighting...it wasn't pleasant." she answered. I grimaced.
"Fun….soooo, anyway, we're here to see if there are any missions available." I say, wiping my hands clean of the previous lore like so many drops of sauce from a very messy sandwich. The woman smiled and nodded at me.
"I understand, please, this way...you may call me Miss Vilma." she said airily, before beginning to move deeper into the building. The gothic architecture did not stop.
Eventually we were lead into a large circular chamber, inside of which hung pieces of string with...letters attached to them what the fuck?
"Each letter will give the details of the mission. Rest assured the payment for the undertaking has been received." Miss Vilma said, continuing to smile...for some reason.
Our quiet journey was interrupted by the sound of heavy plate on the floor. Familiar heavy plate.
Fuck.
Turning around, I watched as Lady Seraphia De Mimsy Sapphire the third walked through the double door entrance, her forehead almost touching the roof of the door frame. Her eyes are fixed on me, but no weapon is in her hand, as she marches over. Both Mavis and Elaeris raise their weapons but I make no move to defend myself as she towers above me like a giant.
I'm going to climb this woman one day, mark my fucking words.
"You are going on an adventure." she said at last. I nodded.
"I am."
"I will be coming with you."
A pause.
"….Why?"
"Because I still don't trust your word, in spite of your unlocking of Cenki. I will maintain my vigil over you, until I ascertain the truth."she declared finally. I stared at her flatly.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Really really?"
"Yes."
A pause, and I looked at the other women in my life. Mavis looked nervous and seemed ready to bolt at a moments notice, while Elaeris….she looked contemplative.
Hmm. Not sure I like that.
"Thoughts ladies?"I asked.
"Well, fuck if we get a choice in it right? She's gonna stalk us anyway." Mavis huffed in irritation. Elaeris nodded, though her eyes continued to consider the woman in front of us.
"Yes...it's probably for the best to make sure she's on the team…." she mused.
My harem antics alarm is ringing, some BULLSHIT is going to happen. Probably while I'm not here to stop them from devolving into petty bickering. Sighing, I just wave her over and turn back to the...weirdest fucking mission board I've ever seen.
It takes roughly half an hour to find something reasonably interesting that wouldn't fuck us, metaphorically OR literally (the mission to kill a herd of Minotaur's that had roamed nearby got a firm no from yours truly.) but eventually we settled on a Necromancer den that had popped up and was starting to harass one of the main roads that led to the colonies of the city. While technically small now, Miss Vilma made sure to mention one of the keystone rules of the Undertakers;
"Suffer not the Necromancer to live."
The reasoning was obvious of course.
Elaeris, now an outrider knight of an order of the city. Mavis, our cunning drunkard rogue. Lady Seraphia De Mimsy Sapphire the third (she asked to be called Lady Sapphire but its funnier to say it every time) was our shield, and I…
I was something of a mixed role? Like, technically I was a spearman, but also I have "Ki", so I guess I'm a monk too? But I don't have any monk powers (yet.) but also ALSO I have a few back up mystery powers that I could use, that use my...stamina. Huh, maybe they'd work with Cenki?
Experiment later. Maybe I'd classify as a Sage?
The point is, we were going on our first real adventure as a team! And...said team looked like your average Harem anime isekai squad. Fuck.
Feat Acknowledged: Build a balanced team composition!
1*lesser roll granted.
Generating…
Magicka
Trait
The most important part of spellcasting is how many spells you can actually cast. You have more magicka than you would normally, and find that it greatly improves over time as you grow stronger with experience.
….okay, never mind, thank you system for your kindness I guess.
Did I post this at 1 in the morning just so I could say I'm not technically posting a chapter a day, and therefore this is a reasonable writing hyperfixation? Perhaps.
Also ofc our Boy Cerebror is going to develope his own stuff for the Cenki system. I just thought it was really funny to go with standard Hentai world magic/Ki rules, where there are NO rules, just whatever the writer needs at any given moment. Shout out to Senjutsu from DxD, probably one of my favourite vague concepts that fanfic writers abuse the hell out of.
Also shout out to my fucked up little adventurers guild! Hope you enjoyed how fucking wierd it was, cause I sure did.
This will probably be our party going forward, save anything...nasty..happens. I don't particularly want to add more permanent characters into the mix since I'm not confident on being able to flesh them all out equally, and I know how frustrating it can be to read a fic where someone does something and then the author writes every persons reactions individually, lengthening the action by about fifty pages. Worst case scenario, I'll probably swap them out, keep it a tight knit foursome and maybe have the 'extended harem' hanging out at a central base. Wait, isn't that just a 'The West Marches' Style D&D campaign? Fuck we really out here reinventing the horny wheel...
Hope you enjoyed! let me know what you think!
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