"Miss Wednesday?" Igaram's voice replied. "Why do you need Miss Wednesday?!"
"Oh! It appears we already have a win… ner…" Miss Valentine began brightly, only to finish with extreme uncertainty after getting a proper look at the 'winner.'
When Igaram had initially identified them as agents, Johnny and Yosaku had stood in the foreground, so neither Mr. Five nor Miss Valentine paid attention to the speaker. Now it was extremely difficult not to notice the talking head.
Even by their standards, such a thing looked remarkably strange. Frankly, it looked strange by any standards.
"A talking head?" Mr. Five did not so much ask anyone as question empty space, as though doubting what he saw.
"Why do you need Miss Wednesday?" Igaram repeated.
"It really is a talking head," Miss Valentine concluded. "Kya-ha-ha-ha! How amusing!"
Such composure deserved praise. The Straw Hats rarely encountered people who reacted so calmly to objects and events far outside all familiar norms.
"Wait, Miss Valentine. That isn't merely a talking head," Mr. Five inserted.
"Not merely? Ah! You're right! What a development! Why, it's Mr. Eight in person! Or is that incorrect? Mr. Five, what is the proper phrase when only the head remains of the entire person? In head? Kya-ha-ha-ha!"
Igaram was torn between two completely contradictory desires. On one hand, he was deeply worried about why two agents so high in Baroque Works' hierarchy needed Miss Wednesday, who also happened to be Nefertari Vivi.
On the other hand, he could barely restrain himself from asking them for help. Perhaps Mr. Five and Miss Valentine were capable of defeating the Pirate Slayers? Judging by the pirates' reaction, these agents were very strong. They had even apparently killed one member of the crew with ease.
Despite all the talk of cooperation, had Igaram possessed any choice, he would never have associated with the Pirate Slayers. They had already effectively killed Vivi and nearly killed Karoo. What kind of cooperation could exist after that? If Igaram possessed the necessary strength, he would kill every last one of them himself.
But he understood perfectly well that he now occupied an extremely unstable position, and not merely his own life but the lives of everyone dear to him and all the people of Alabasta were at stake. He had no right to make a mistake.
First, he needed to learn why exactly Mr. Five and Miss Valentine wanted Vivi. His own suspicions did not please him at all. The pair were clearly not a reward team, and every other possibility promised nothing good for either him or Vivi.
"What assignment brought you here?" Igaram asked. "And why do you need Miss Wednesday?"
"Have you decided to play games with us, Mr. Eight?" Mr. Five returned to his arrogant tone and curled his lips into an insolent, contemptuous smile. "Or should I call you Igaram, captain of Alabasta's royal guard?"
Igaram's worst fears were confirmed almost instantly and completely.
"…So you know?"
The irony of fate. Not long before, he had asked the Pirate Killers almost the same question, with extremely disastrous consequences. Worst of all, he had no reason to believe this time would be different.
"The Boss said someone had learned his secret," Mr. Five replied. "Naturally, we do not know what secret you discovered, but Baroque Works values complete anonymity, and curious people are not welcome. After a brief investigation, we learned that two people who disappeared from Alabasta long ago had infiltrated the organization: Igaram, captain of the royal guard, and the princess of Alabasta, Nefertari Vivi. You learned the Boss's secret, which means you must die. That is our assignment."
"And fortunately for us, it's already half complete!" Miss Valentine supported her partner. "Who would have thought ordinary pirates would help us? Now we need only find the princess."
"It seems Luffy was wrong," Nami said after remaining silent the entire time, instantly drawing everyone's attention. "Apparently, the Big Boss is not as stupid as we all thought."
"Yeah. Luffy will definitely be pleased," Yosaku agreed from where he lay on the ground. "Probably Zoro too."
"Now that we've learned everything we wanted, could you finally get rid of them?" the girl suggested.
"Why don't you get rid of them yourself?" Yosaku countered with a suggestion of his own. "His boogers will slide right off you anyway!"
"Don't say that word in front of me!" Nami convulsed as violently as though Usopp, hiding behind her, had struck her with an electric shock device. "And don't even imagine that I'll allow such filth to slide across my body!"
Judging by her expression, Yosaku had not suggested fighting but plunging her hand into the previously mentioned bucket of cockroaches.
"Ryu, you bastard, get up immediately!" Having expected no success with Nami from the beginning, Yosaku instantly switched back to his friend. "Stop pretending to be dead. No one will believe you anyway!"
After Miss Valentine smashed him into the ground, Johnny had indeed continued lying motionless at the bottom of the small crater formed by the impact.
"Choose. Either you stand up yourself, or I piss on your head. Deal?" When Johnny gave not the slightest hint of movement, Yosaku offered him a choice. When even that statement was ignored, he added, "Okay. Warm shower coming up."
Instead of simply standing and walking over, Yosaku began crawling toward his friend flat on his stomach, as though continuous cannon and rifle fire surrounded him. Johnny's nerves finally broke when Yosaku reached him, rose onto his knees, and began fumbling with his trousers.
"I'm up, I'm up!" Johnny went instantly from lying flat to standing. "Have you completely lost your mind?!"
"Who here has lost his mind?!" Yosaku rose to his feet as well. "Did you seriously think anyone would believe you if you played dead? From a hit like that? Luffy and Zoro's friendly pats are stronger!"
"Desperate times require desperate decisions," the dissatisfied Johnny muttered, slightly mangling the familiar phrase.
He truly had hoped the excuse would work. Naive fool.
The only people for whom this development came as a complete surprise were Mr. Five and Miss Valentine. Even Igaram had secretly expected something similar. Having personally experienced the Pirate Slayers' true strength, he understandably doubted that one of them could be killed so easily.
That was one of the reasons he had not called to Mr. Five and Miss Valentine for help when he first saw them.
"Mr. Five, it appears we underestimated our opponents somewhat," the blond woman said after a moment, without the slightest trace of amusement in her voice.
Miss Valentine knew the strength of her attack better than anyone. If she used her fruit and fell from a great height onto an ordinary person, nothing remained but bloody pulp. Even the strongest of her opponents were incapacitated for a long time after such a strike.
No one had ever endured an impact of that force without suffering any harm.
Until today.
That fact created a deeply unpleasant premonition in the woman's chest. For the first time since meeting her present opponents, she seriously wondered who they were.
"You are correct, Miss Valentine. We need to become slightly more serious." Unlike his partner, the dark-skinned man was in no hurry to abandon his arrogant performance.
"Is he going to start spitting?!" Johnny became genuinely alarmed.
"The important thing is that he doesn't start throwing his own shit!" Yosaku trembled rapidly, while Nami shuddered through her entire body yet again.
Mr. Five was, of course, an arrogant bastard who sincerely considered his opponents pathetic fools, but even he found those words insulting. One should not forget that he imagined himself a true badass.
Could anything be cooler than killing an enemy with the contents of your own nose? A light flick of a finger and BOOM! Another unfortunate fool blown to pieces! Wasn't that cool?
At least, Mr. Five thought so, and learning that anyone could hold a different opinion was deeply unpleasant.
"I ate the Bomu Bomu no Mi—the Bomb-Bomb Fruit—which made me a Bomb Human," Mr. Five unexpectedly explained to the Straw Hats while rolling up the sleeve of his coat. "Every part of my body can explode," he added, displaying an arm bare to the elbow.
"Wait!" Johnny raised a palm. "Are you saying you're only going to attack us with your arm?"
"An exploding arm!" Mr. Five corrected him arrogantly.
"The important thing is that you'll attack us with your arm, correct?" Johnny pressed.
The dark-skinned man did not understand where his opponent was going with this, but he deigned to answer nonetheless.
"Yes."
"Pheeeeeew!" Johnny and Yosaku exhaled together.
"Okay, I'll take this Chocolate Bar!" Johnny added immediately, brightening in an instant.
"What?!" Yosaku protested at once. "Why should you? You wanted the Wedge! Take your Wedge! I'll handle Chocolate myself!"
"Not a chance! When I gave you the choice, you chose the Wedge, so Chocolate is mine now! No one forced you to say it!"
The two men who had been trembling in terror only a minute earlier began arguing furiously over who would deal with Mr. Five. Each wanted revenge for the horror he had suffered.
"Arrogant bastard" did not mean "complete idiot," so Mr. Five began to understand that, strangely enough, it was not the power of his explosions that frightened his opponents so badly. As an experiment, while Johnny and Yosaku began playing rock-paper-scissors—the finest method for resolving a choice—he once again fashioned a projectile from the contents of his nose.
"GYAAAAAH!!!"
Before they could finish the last round, Johnny and Yosaku screamed in terror once more and threw themselves in opposite directions.
BOOM!!!
Only seconds earlier, they had practically burned with enthusiasm. Now they lay on the ground again, staring fearfully at Mr. Five.
"You said you were going to attack with your arm!" Johnny accused him in a deeply offended voice, making no hurry to stand as he pointed an index finger at the dark-skinned man.
"What kind of man are you if you don't keep your own word?!" Yosaku protested from where he lay nearby.
"Are you too scared to fight without your boogers?" Johnny challenged him. "One on one! Just you and me! No boogers! Or did you piss yourself?!"
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