Bang!
I open my eyes as soon as I wake up and notice my whole body feels numb.
"Damn, I lived."
Maybe the weight of what I'd just attempted hadn't hit me yet but I know I failed. I don't know how, but I'd failed.
I set it all up perfectly; I left a note saying goodbye, I climbed into the bathtub so the mess would be easier to clean up, and I pressed the barrel of the gun to the roof of my mouth so I couldn't miss. Yet, here I was. I really am a failure; I can't even kill myself right.
I rub the back of my head where a huge hole should be but only feel a wet mat of hair. I can still taste the cold steel and a hint of gunpowder but the rifle is gone. As was the ruddy bathtub and the thin wooden walls and the cracked, leaking ceiling. The trailer that I'd spent the last twenty-one years of my life was nowhere to be found; instead, I was lying on an itchy bed surrounded by thick stone walls and bookshelves that were filled all the way to the ceiling.
"I'm so tired." I thought as I roll over in bed.
I don't care where I am or what is happening to me. The only thing on my mind is knowing I'll be forced to live even one more day in agony.
"Ahh!"
I shoot up as a sharp pain runs through my skull. It's as if the bullet is piercing my brain all over again.
"Stop it!" I shout at no one in particular. I am so sick of all the endless suffering. I just want it to end.
"You stop it!"
"What? Who's there?" I glance around the room. No one. I grasp the sides of my head as the pain crashes in wave after wave.
"You're in my body! Get out!" The young voice shouts.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
I look down and see someone else's hands sticking out of my arms and someone else's arms sticking out of my shoulders. My legs are way too small and I am suddenly way too skinny. The fat mass I spent years abusing at football practice is now reduced to a small child who couldn't have weighed more than ninety pounds soaking wet.
"What the hell is going on?! What happened to me?!"
The numb pain is quickly replaced by terror. I leap out of bed and look myself over. Sure enough, it was a child's body, and it definitely isn't mine.
"I said get out of my body!" the young voice shout again; presumably the true owner of this body.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what 's going on! You can have your body back, I don't want it!"
"Oh, okay... Um, how do I do that?"
"I don't know." I say. A think blanket of silence covers the room.
For the first time since I'd woken up, I truly take stock of my situation. Why were the walls made of old stone? Why were the hand-carved bookshelves filled with crumbling books? Why was the mattress made with straw instead of springs? Where the hell was I?
"Hey, where the hell are we?" I ask.
"What do you mean? We're in the town of Brava."
A chill shoots up my spine.
I take a deep breath and repeat the words my older brother has hammered into me.
"Stay calm; panic kills."
After a few repetitions, my heart rate begins to slow and I steel myself for the next question.
"What planet are we on?" I ask, feeling a little crazy for even bringing it up.
The kid quickly responds.
'Giaus of course!'
"Ha. Haha, Ahahahaha!" Laughter peels from my mouth as I realize what a ridiculous situation I'm in; I'm alone on some other planet and I probably can't even kill myself again without taking this poor kid with me. I don't know if this is a dream or the afterlife or some fucked up delusion my brain is making up as I die but I suppose it's different at least.
I struggle to gather my breath and sit on the edge of the bed.
'Are you okay?' The boy asks.
"I don't think so, how bout you?" I say with a grin.
'I suppose I'm not doing very well either; I don't even have my own body anymore.' He responds sadly.
"Right, speaking of that, what did it feel like when I took over? I might be able to try something similar to give you your body back."
'Are you sure?'
"Well, we won't know without giving it a shot."
'No, I mean, are you sure you're going to be okay without a body?'
"I don't even want to be alive right now, let alone have someone else's body. I'm sure you'll make better use of it than I ever could."
'... Okay, if you say so.'
"So, what'd it feel like?" I ask again to get the conversation back on track.
'I guess it felt like I was falling into a deep pool. Everything seemed like it was getting further and further away.'
"Alright, just a sec." Even without knowing if I had any chance of pulling it off, I tried to sound cheery because the sound the kid's sad voice was killing me inside.
I sat down on the bed and turned my focus inward. I felt around inside myself until I noticed something like a hole near the base of my skull.
"You've got to be kidding be me." I chuckled at the sick irony of it all.
Sure enough, as I moved toward the hole I felt my whole body go numb, and when our eyes open, everything seems very far away.
'There, how's that?' I ask, now that our position's are reversed.
"Good, thanks." He says as he opens and closes his hands in front of his face. They were such tiny hands now that I have a good look at them.
'How old are you by the way?' I ask.
"I just turned ten and had my seal ceremony."
'What's-'
Bang!
Before I could finish my next question, the hand-carved wooden door bursts open and a short plump woman comes barging in.
"Nick, you're okay! how do you feel, sweetie?" She says as she runs over and hugs the boy.
"I'm fine," he says while looking down at the bed.
"Are you? And who were you just talking to?"
From deep within Nick, I could only watch on as my host was questioned.
"I wonder if they can do exorcisms. That'd be a hell of a way to die."
"I'm not sure." Nick gives an honest answer which makes his mother's brow furrow.
"Carroll, is breakfast ready yet?" A tall gaunt man, with impeccable timing, asks as he walks into the room.
"Vincent, your child just woke up after being in a coma for a week and that's all you can say?"
Vincent looks the boy over before responding.
"See? I told you he was going to be okay. You were all worked up over nothing." Vincent shrugs.
"What?! I-You were the one that insisted that he get his seal which was what put him in a coma in the first place! Can't you at least say you're sorry?!" Carroll screeched.
"The priest said he was probably going to be fine and he is, so I don't know what you're so upset about." Vincent said as he walked back out of the room.
"Vincent!" Carroll yells as she chases her husband out of the room.
'Nice family,' I say half jokingly.
"Thanks, my Dad is really nice even if he doesn't look like it all the time."
'It's telling that you're already apologizing for him but at least your Mom seems nice.'
"Yeah, she's the best!" Nick says as his expression lights up. "She always makes me snacks and tells me stories and explains things to me when I'm confused."
'That sounds wonderful.'
"What's your mom like?"
'You know, she's been dead for so long I don't really remember.'
"I'm sorry."
'Not your fault, she did it to herself. I guess you could say it runs in the family.'
Nick lays back on the bed and we both stare silently at the ceiling. The rooms looks kind of blurry from my perspective but overall it's pretty comfortable. Well, maybe comfortable isn't the right word; it's numb, which is a lot better than being in pain.
"So, um, how did you get here?" Nick says after working up his courage.
'I don't know, how did you get here?'
"What do mean? I've always been here."
'You've been here since the beginning of time? Well, excuse my language; I had no idea I was talking to god almighty.'
"Haha, no silly. I've been here my whole life."
'And where were you before that?'
"Um, I don't know I guess I wasn't anywhere."
'Well, where you were is where I was hoping I'd be but I must have missed cuz now I'm here. I hope that clears things up for you.'
"No, not really."
'Then we're in agreement.' I say with an authoritative tone.
"You're funny." Nick rolls back and forth as his giggles. It would be endearing if it wasn't making me nauseas.
"What do you want to do now?"
'What do I want to do? I don't want to do shit. My plan is to just sit back here and hope whatever brought me here gets bored and takes me away.'
"But I've never had a friend before. Why do you want to go away? Did I say something wrong?"
My heart falls out of my chest at the tremble in the boy's voice. I pinch the bridge of my nose in aggravation; Well, I don't have a body so I'm just imagining that I'm pinching my nose, as I feel myself getting pulled into someone else's life.
I'd already severed all my ties in my last life. Everyone I cared about was already dead or had abandoned me. I was free. I was free.
A few painful moments go by as I gather myself.
'Well, I'm not going anywhere at the moment so I suppose I could stick around.' I sigh.
"Yay! Let me show you this book I've been reading!"