Bang!
I opened my eyes as soon as I woke up and noticed my whole body felt numb.
"Damn, I lived."
Maybe the weight of what I'd just attempted hadn't hit me yet but I knew I'd failed. I don't know how, but I'd failed.
I set it all up perfectly; I left a note saying goodbye, I climbed into the bathtub so the mess would be easier to clean up, and I pressed the barrel to the roof of my mouth so I couldn't miss. Yet here I was. I really was a failure; I couldn't even kill myself right.
I rubbed the back of my head where a huge hole should be but only felt a wet mat of hair. I could still taste the cold steel and a hint of gunpowder but the rifle was gone. As was the ruddy bathtub and the thin wooden walls and the cracked leaking ceiling. The trailer that I'd spent the last twenty-one years of my life was nowhere to be found; instead, I was lying on an itchy bed surrounded by thick stone walls and bookshelves that were filled all the way to the ceiling.
"I'm so tired." I thought as I rolled over in bed.
I don't care where I was or what was happening to me. All I could think about was how I'd have to spend even one more day in pain.
"Ahh!"
I shot up as a sharp pain ran through my skull. It was as if the bullet was piercing my brain all over again.
"Stop it!" I shouted at no one in particular. I was so sick of all the endless suffering. I just wanted it to end.
"You stop it!"
"What? Who's there?" I glanced around the room, while still grasping the sides of my head, as I searched for whoever was speaking to me.
"You're in my body! Get out of my body!" The young voice shouted.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
I looked down and saw someone else's hands sticking out of my arms and someone else's arms sticking out of my shoulders. My legs were way too small and I was way too skinny. The fat mass I spent years abusing at football practice was reduced to a small child who couldn't have weighed more than ninety pounds soaking wet.
"What the fuck is going on?! What happened to me?!"
The numb pain was quickly replaced by terror. I leapt out of bed and looked myself over. Sure enough, it was a child's body, and it definitely wasn't mine.
"I said get out of my body!" the young voice shouted again; presumably the true owner of this body.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what 's going on! You can have your body back, I don't want it!"
"Oh, okay... Um, how do I do that?"
"I don't know." I said as silence filled the air.
For the first time since I woke up I truly took stock of my situation. Why were the walls made of old stone? Why were the hand-carved bookshelves filled with crumbling books? Why was the mattress made with straw instead of springs? Where the hell was I?
"Hey, where the hell are we?" I asked.
"What do you mean? We're in Alkine town."
A chill shot up my spine.
I took a deep breath and repeated the words my older brother had hammered into me.
"Stay calm; panic kills."
After a few repetitions my heart rate began to slow and I steeled myself for the next question.
"What planet are we on?" I ask, feeling a little crazy for even bringing it up.
The kid quickly responds.
'Giaus of course!'
"Ha. Haha, Ahahahaha!" Laughter peels from my mouth as I realize what a ridiculous situation I'm in; I'm alone on some other planet and I probably can't even kill myself again without taking this poor kid with me. I don't know if this is a dream or the afterlife or some fucked up delusion my brain is making up as I die but I suppose it's different at least.
I struggled to gather my breath and sat on the edge of the bed.
'Are you okay?' The boy asked.
"I don't think so, how about you?" I say with a grin.
'I suppose I'm not doing very well either; I don't even have my own body anymore.'
He responds sadly.
"Right, speaking of that, what did it feel like when I took over? I might be able to try something similar to give you your body back."
'Are you sure?'
"Well, we won't know without giving it a shot."
'No, I mean, are you sure you're going to be okay without a body?'
"I don't even want to be alive right now, let alone have someone else's body. I'm sure you'll make better use of it than I ever could."
'... Okay, if you say so.'
"So, what'd it feel like?" I ask again to get the conversation back on track.
'I guess it felt like I was falling into a deep pool. Everything seemed like it was getting further and further away.'
"Alright, just a sec." even without knowing if I had any chance of pulling it off, I tried to sound cheery because the sound the kid's sad voice was killing me all over again.
I sat down on the bed and turned my focus inward. I felt around inside myself until I noticed something like a hole near the base of my skull.
"You've got to be kidding be me." I chuckled at the sick irony of it all.
Sure enough, as I moved toward the hole I felt my whole body go numb, and when my eyes opened, everything seemed very far away.
'There, how's that?' I asked now that our position's were reversed.
"Good, thanks." He said as he opened and closed his hands in front of his face. They were such tiny hands now that I had a good look at them.
'How old are you by the way?' I asked.
"I just turned ten and had my seal ceremony."
'What's-'
Bang!
Before I could finish my next question, the hand-carved wooden door burst open and a short plump woman came barging in.
"Nick, you're okay! how do you feel, sweetie?" She said as she ran over and hugged the boy.
"I'm fine," he said while looking down at the bed.
"Are you? And who were you just talking to
From deep within the boy Nick, the intruder could only watch as he was about to be revealed. He wondered what fate awaited him, what expression would the woman make when she found out her son had been infected and how sad it was that the infection was a worthless person like himself.
I wonder if I'm going to be exorcised? I hope it doesn't hurt. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of everything.
"Nothing, I'm fine." Nick finally said as he flashed an unconvincing smile. His mother eyed him carefully for a few tense moments before standing up.
"Well, if you say so then okay."
"Carroll, is breakfast ready yet?" A tall gaunt looking man asked as he walked into the room.
"Vincent, your child just woke up after being in a coma for a week and that's all you can say?"
Vincent looked the boy over before responding.
"See? I told you he was going to be okay. You were all worked up over nothing." Vincent shrugged.
"What?! I-You were the one that insisted that he get his seal which was what put him in a coma in the first place! Can't you at least say you're sorry?!" Carroll screeched.
"The priest said he was probably going to be fine and he is so I don't know what you're so upset about." Vincent said as he walked out of the room.
"Vincent!" Carroll yelled as she chased her husband out of the room.
'I thought you were going to sell me out there.' said the intruder.
"Yeah, me too."
'I kinda wish you would've.'
The room grew still again until Nick spoke up.
"So, um, how did you get here?"
'I don't know. I don't want to be here, I just am.'
"Oh, I'm sorry." Nick replied awkwardly.
'Whatever, it's not like it's your fault.'
"... What are we going to do now?"
'We? What are we going to do? I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to sit here until one of us dies, hopefully sooner rather than later.'
"You want me to die?" Nick asked, barely above a whisper. The intruder sighs from within his host. Nick can feel the agonizing cyclone of emotion whirling about him.
'I want to die. That's probably how I got here in the first place. I tried to kill myself but I can't even do that right. I just figure I'll die if you do too, not like I'm trying to kill you or anything, I'm just saying; we've all got to go sooner or later so might as well be sooner.'
I couldn't even kill myself without taking this poor kid with me. I couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous situation I was in.