The Suicidal II
After weighing every possibility from every angle, we chose Sim Ah-ryeon as the perfect partner for the Regressor's "pretend romance."
I decorated the classroom, Cheon Yo-hwa's personal sanctum, with mountains of flowers I had prepared in advance, then invited Ah-ryeon in.
"I love you. Please go out with me."
"Eh? N-no, thank you."
"…"
I was shot down at the speed of light.
Do you know when a human being reaches the utter depths of misery in this Solar System?
When they're broke? When they're sick? When their pinky toe slams into the corner of a desk? When a heated thread on SG Net mobs them with insults? When their dreams come crashing down?
Sorry, but none of those are the right answer.
The true answer is the instant—three seconds after you confess—to Sim Ah-ryeon, that knock-off Saintess of the North, that hateful name, and get rejected on the spot.
"Ah… uh… ugh..."
I collapsed flat onto the classroom floor and trembled. If an amoeba had seen me, it would have rejoiced at finding its long-lost relative, my movements were that pitiful.
"Huwaaaaaaah!"
"W-whoa, you scared me."
Thud!
Ah-ryeon flinched as I suddenly flipped over and smashed my head against the floor.
"W-why are you doing that, Guild Leader? Even if a cockroach popped out, you should swat it with your palm, not your forehead."
"I see. Then may I take your advice and headbutt something once, Ah-ryeon?"
"Eh."
For the record, Oh Dok-seo, Lee Ha-yul, and Cheon Yo-hwa were already rolling around at the back of the room like human vacuum cleaners.
Their laughter was pure noise pollution. Narratively, I wanted to mute it.
But I couldn't ignore the sight of Ha-yul stumbling upright, scribbling [hahahahaha] in her sketchbook, tumbling again, then standing to scrawl [hahahahahahaha] on a fresh sheet.
"She, she dumped him! He just got rejected by Ah-ryeon unni!"
"Pffft-phuh-khya-hahaha!"
[hahaha haha]
"Just yesterday he boasted, 'Ah-ryeon will say yes without me even asking, so there's nothing to worry about!'"
"Kkyeut, hu-ha, hu-huf-huf."
[hahahahahaha ha haha]
"Dumped… in three seconds flat!"
"Eek-huf, hoo-ha, huf, hahaha!"
"The Undertaker's first confession in his entire life! The first time in the Regressor's tens of thousands of years that those words crossed his lips! 'I love you! Please date me!' And the target waaas… Sim Ah-ryeon! And yet… he got dog-level dumped."
"Hit-hik, stop, it's too… too funny, I-I'm dying…! He even timed it for her birthday… Decorated the entire classroom with nothing but mountain lilies! Honestly, collecting those lilies probably took way longer than the three-second rejection—hik, hit…"
[haha ha ha ha ha]
"…"
Those bastards. Die. Please. Just die.
No, what needed to die wasn't them, but me. My damned brain.
More precisely, this moment, forever taxidermied into my soul as a record of the 1,000th cycle, needed to disappear.
"Fine. It's my fault. I'm just a fundamentally flawed being. I'll go see Udumbara right now and reset this regressor life. Don't stop me. I'll just live the thousandth cycle one more time."
[hahahahahahahahaha]
"F-fact is… Mister, we already defeated Udumbara in this run, so you have to wait until next cycle to delete your abilities."
"I'll kill myself."
"Huf, a regressor who commits suicide over being dumped by Sim Ah-ryeon! Wow. Has any other regressor ever died for such a magnificent reason? I-I don't think so, Sunbae… You're writing a brand-new chapter in regressor history!"
[hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha]
Why?
This was supposed to be the vacation cycle, the one designed to take care of my mental health. So how did my mindset get wrecked instead? Where did it all go wrong?
"Mm. Hmmm."
While pandemonium erupted on all sides, only Sim Ah-ryeon tilted her head in her usual calm.
"U-um, Guild Leader. Could you please explain what's going on…?"
I explained everything.
"Ah. So, in other words: one day, after preventing the end of the world, you'd finally be free to date, but seeing the current chaos you've realized you're afraid of the karmic blowback. Therefore, before entering the 'ending cycle' you want to learn how to handle that karma, that hate, that aggro in advance. Step one of the plan is to pretend to date me, check how everyone reacts, and devise concrete countermeasures—figure out whether they'll back down gracefully if you've got a partner, or, if not, exactly what kind of incident they'll cause. Is that right?"
"Yeah…"
"Ehehe. G-Guild Leader, you're seriously trash!"
"Those punks bamboozled me!"
I pointed to the back of the room, where the "Oh-Cheon-Ha" trio were pouring juice for one another, patting themselves on the back for masterminding such an amusing scheme.
"I didn't even plan on doing this! But Cheon Yo-hwa! And Oh Dok-seo! They egged each other on and slyly gaslit me!"
"Mm."
Ah-ryeon didn't even turn to look at them, she just hmm-ed and cocked her head.
"C-certainly, if it were confirmed that you and I were dating… an enormous amount of aggro would pour in. Hup. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water with anticipation…"
"That's one of the reasons I chose you."
Sim Ah-ryeon was a notorious attention addict, a mutant who actually felt ecstasy when others showered her with hatred, contempt, and resentment.
"Since things are already ruined, let me ask frankly: why did you dump me the moment you heard the confession?"
"Eh."
Ah-ryeon made a complicated face.
"W-well, dating you means I'd have to care about clothes and hair and stuff… and you'd probably interfere with my lifestyle habits too… It sounds… bothersome."
"Hmm."
Congratulations, Ah-ryeon.
This Guild Leader's psyche rarely gets scratched, but your words just carved wounds that will never wash away. Maybe you should quit being a healer and switch to a DPS.
"I l-like things just the way they are! No hassle, just leeching off you, Guild Leader… Ehehe. No matter who you date, I'll still be right here…"
"Yeah. That's just like you, but…?"
Huh? She'd stay the same no matter who I date?
Just as I was about to ask what she meant, Cheon Yo-hwa approached with a sunny grin.
"Come on, Sunbae, don't be so disappointed! Sure, your hobby is gathering the most mentally twisted people on the peninsula and stealing their hearts, but that hobby can still run into difficulties!"
"If you're trying to comfort me, could you at least wipe that huge smile off your face first, Yo-hwa?"
"Ah, sorry. Let me change the classroom motto real quick."
Yo-hwa borrowed a page from Ha-yul's sketchbook, climbed onto a desk, and altered the motto.
Needless to say, the motto now read only [hahahaha] in Ha-yul's elegant handwriting.
"Hoo-ah. Done! Now, Sunbae, let's discuss this seriously again."
"Seriously? After looking at that motto??"
"As you can see, Ms. Ah-ryeon is sadly out. Even if you dated her, I doubt Dang Seo-rin or the Saintess would take it seriously."
Cheon Yo-hwa pressed on.
"By the same logic, Ms. Dok-seo won't work either."
"Aw, why not! I'm totally date-able!"
"With Lee Ha-yul, people will just assume Sunbae's gone insane, so that's a double no."
[Objection noted.]
"Personally I'd love for you to date my cute little sister, but even if we spelled out that it was a fake relationship, she'd go completely off the rails. She'd spend all her brainpower just trying to knock you over, forgetting the entire operation."
Scribble, scribble.
Yo-hwa borrowed another sheet, once again transforming the ha into modern art, flipped to the blank backside, and wrote something.
"So, I recommend the following candidates."
I looked.
"…"
I raised my head and looked at Yo-hwa's face this time.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"Wrong question. Are you sane?"
"Yes!"
"Let's drop it. Really. On reflection this was nonsense from the start. Yeah, that's it! I must have gone crazy for a moment because you hoodwinked me, Yo-hwa."
"Hm-hm."
Cheon Yo-hwa smiled with her eyes.
"Sounds easy, doesn't it, talking about people's feelings and consideration, spinning fancy words? But do you really think you're being considerate of anyone's feelings by just putting this off forever?"
"…"
"If you were an ordinary person, and the people around you were ordinary, you wouldn't need these worries. But we're Awakeners—each of us flirting with the level of Corruptor or Miko."
Yo-hwa shrugged.
"It's only because you keep calling us 'human' that we stay that way. If something snaps, we might act in ways we ourselves can't predict."
"What kind of actions…?"
"Ah-ah—The world has been saved!"
Yo-hwa adopted a theatrical tone.
"The Regressor lived! All his companions lived! Hurrah! But—huh, look at that. The regressor is pledging eternity to someone who's not me?"
"…"
"I'm pissed off? That's not a happy ending. I don't need a world like this, let's flip the board and start over again!"
"No, no matter how angry they are, that's…"
"And now, an interview."
Yo-hwa mimed a microphone with her hand and lunged at Sim Ah-ryeon, who squeaked and hid behind my back.
"Eek."
"Ms. Ah-ryeon. We'd like to do a quick interview. Will you oblige?"
"W-what is it?"
"Suppose this sunbae, your Guild Leader—swore to spend his life with someone who isn't you. How would you feel?"
"N-not really… I don't feel anything. That's the Guild Leader-nim's freedom…"
"But wait, the partner says she absolutely cannot have you anywhere nearby. She asked the Guild Leader to sort out the relationship, cut off contact, and gradually drift apart. Once you sense that, what would you do?"
"Ah, aah. T-talk! Cooperation! I'm really a worthless being! Please, let's compromise somehow…!"
"Ms. Ah-ryeon tries her best to propose compromises, but good grief."
Yo-hwa beamed.
"The partner absolutely refuses to accept any of it."
"Th-then… ah! Maybe just the internet or phone? Videocalls? Um, contacting only through remote means…?"
"No. Romantic feelings depend on distance, and behavior like yours, clinging to the Guild Leader at all hours, is intolerable. Distance means not only physical space but also KakaoTalk, messenger, every channel. The partner is a very nice person and understands your feelings and state completely, but the Guild Leader is hers now. She asks you to back off. What do you do?"
"Pardon? I'll… kill her."
'…'
"Eck."
"Eh?"
My gaze, Ah-ryeon's gaze, and our cracked voices crossed all at once.
"Uh. Ah-ryeon?"
"Y-yes?"
"Kill her? What do you mean?"
"Uh, w-well. You said there's no room for compromise… If I can't talk to it, it's not intelligent. And if something unintelligent—some object—blocks my path… then it's an obstacle, and obstacles have to be removed…"
"She's a person too!"
"Hmm. That's her claim…"
"I—the Guild Leader—think she's a person too!"
"Mm. Thinking that is your freedom, Guild Leader."
Ah-ryeon scrunched up her face and shut her eyes tight.
"I-I'm sorry! I don't want to be like this either! It's just… that's reality. To be an adult you have to accept reality. There's no helping it…"
"…"
Yo-hwa spun around and looked at me, utterly dazed.
"See?"
"O… oh."
"Sunbae, you tend to take your own romance too lightly. Thinking, 'I'll just decide after I see the ending,' and so on."
"So I've been too naïve?"
"Sunbae, you're trapped in a preconception. Whoever you date, whoever accepts your heart, is an endlessly secondary issue."
"Then what on earth is the essential issue?"
"It's that whoever you date must be someone who can tolerate Sim Ah-ryeon hanging around you for the rest of your life."
"…"
"Otherwise someone dies. One of the two of you."
Is this for real?
"You think only Ah-ryeon's like this? What about Ha-yul?"
Lee Ha-yul nodded and flipped her sketchbook with a blank face.
[I have already reached an agreement with Oppa.]
[Oppa is my family, and family members are beings who live together.]
[Since I belong to Oppa's family, a mere third party obviously cannot decide where I live.]
"…"
"As I said yesterday, Oh Dok-seo is the only one with normal sensibilities—at least regarding this issue."
"Eh? Uh, well, I'm just like Mister's kid sister, right? No need to actually live together. It's enough to meet up and shoot the breeze when I'm bored."
Hmm, Oh Dok-seo furrowed one eyebrow.
"But sometimes I'll crave the coffee or sandwiches you make. Oh, that's right! Mister! Just run a café! One only acquaintances can visit. Then I just drop by as a customer, drink coffee and eat sandwiches whenever I want, and leave! I can work on my novel there with my laptop. Kiyaah—amazing. Honestly, it's a perfect solution, right?"
"Sure. In someone's eyes that's a daily café date. You heard that shameless speech, right?"
"…"
"Amazingly, that stance will probably be among the most moderate viewpoints you'll encounter from here on out."
"…"
"So accept it."
Cheon Yo-hwa spread both arms wide and made a playful peek-a-boo pose.
"From now on, Sunbae, you have to find a partner who's fine with Sim Ah-ryeon hovering nearby, okay with Lee Ha-yul living together, and unbothered even if Oh Dok-seo barges in every single day!"
"Does such a person even exist!"
"No. That's why you have to look. Starting now, little by little, diligently, consistently, until you reach the regressor ending."
Silence.
After a long pause, I nodded.
"I see."
Regressor Undertaker's Ending No. 1: "Live single until death" – is highly probable!
-x-X-x-
The Suicidal III
It seemed I was destined to be single for the rest of my life.
「Please don't come looking for me.」
「Human relationships are a jungle in the desert.」
「I'd like some quiet for a while.」
「Sincerely, the Undertaker.」
I pinned that one brief letter to the wall of our hide-out in the Inunaki Tunnel and left.
From today on, I—the Undertaker—was opening Chapter One of my runaway-teen saga.
ShaaAAAA―
Saipan Island. Waves shattered on a beach once famous as a resort, and my heart shattered right along with them.
The reason I chose a distant foreign island was simple: even the Saintess's Clairvoyance couldn't reach this far.
Born alone, yet even to be alone required effort—
I muttered to myself, lonely:
"So this is solitude."
"…"
"How should I describe what I feel now? I only ever meant to live each moment earnestly, yet this is the result. Life never gets easier, no matter how long you live."
"…"
"You know, I honestly don't care if I never have a romance in my entire life. Why must every feeling between a man and woman be translated into that one word, love? Wine doesn't all taste the same; human emotion comes from countless vineyards and varietals mixed together."
"…"
"In fact, trying to define my ties with the people around me using those two syllables—'ro-mance'—is violence, pure and simple. All we do is prove each other's existence."
Crashhhh—
The breakers smashed again. They kept flinging themselves at the island, fearless of breaking, just like humankind, just like me.
"Hrm…"
Noh Do-hwa narrowed her eyes.
"Fuck, I closed my eyes for one second in the office and opened them here on some random scrap of island. When does our illustrious Regressor plan on explaining that?"
Trust Noh Do-hwa. Even faced with this beautiful coast and my tragic monologue, she offered no reaction at all.
"P-please think of it as a little vacation."
"Oh? These days a vacation automatically skips immigration while the traveler's asleep. What a marvelous era. If only it hadn't also skipped the traveler's consent, I might have praised this technological leap."
"Gasp! Look at this, Director!"
Like a pirate discovering buried treasure, I dug in the sand. There, amazingly, lay a wooden chest. When I opened it, rows of exquisite vintage wines were sorted by country of origin.
"Holy—this is insane. Do you see these bottles? Some of these masterpieces are impossible to buy now."
"…"
"The world must have left this gift to celebrate our arrival. And—whoa! Jazz records, the very ones you love! That's it, vacation mode activated!"
"Want me to end your life?"
No sale.
Hard to believe, a hardcore alcoholic who downs vin chaud every dawn didn't even blink.
"Don't worry. I packed sunscreen and all your personal toiletries. I filled an entire suitcase with the exact same products and already set them up in that picture-perfect cottage."
"Hm…"
"Well? Isn't it flawless, Director? I mean it, how many humans today get to enjoy a trip like this? You've worked yourself half to death. You deserve to rest!"
"…"
"…"
"So, you shit-weasel. What's your real point?"
"I heard a few things from the older of the twin sisters, and—"
I explained.
"—in short, she thinks you're the one and only talent who can pull this mission off. Of course, that's her opinion, mine differs. Ha! Director is far too busy to play along with this kind of—"
"In summary, you want me to collude with you, fool everyone else, and stage a fake romance?"
"Put bluntly… yes, that's one way to phrase it."
She throttled me.
"Well, I get the gist."
Not until the next morning did Noh Do-hwa sit at the same table as me.
For the record, three of the wines from the treasure chest had already vanished overnight.
"If you're serious about facing the 'Ending,' you have to think about the 'world after the Ending,' and sooner or later your trash-heap of relationships will have to be sorted out."
Clink. She tipped her glass.
From the corner of the cottage, an HMV gramophone dripped mournful jazz.
"But what I don't get is this: Cheon Yo-hwa—the strategist, right? The one you sealed away and booted from reality?"
"Yes, that's her."
"Why did she recommend me of all people?"
Do-hwa's brows knit.
"Awakener Undertaker, you know I have zero intention of stepping into the swamp you built. I loathe it. Why not ask Team Leader Yu Ji-won? She's smart enough to manage the mess."
I wondered the same. That's why I'd asked Yo-hwa if she was sane.
Logically speaking, there was no way the mighty Noh Do-hwa would join such a scheme.
"Yo-hwa told me to give you this note."
"Hm…?"
I drew a slip of paper from my pocket.
On it, in handwriting imitating Yo-hwa's, stood a two words:
'Reverse thinking.'
Do-hwa's brows drew together.
"Reverse… thinking?"
"She said you'd figure out the reason yourself once you saw that."
"…"
"Don't overthink it, Director. She likes acting superior. Showing a note and calling it the key to the plan—what does she think she is, Zhuge Liang?"
"…"
Do-hwa didn't look at me.
Ting—
She set her glass down and tapped the rim lightly with a nail.
Slowly. Over and over.
Ripples quivered inside the crystal, and in her jet-black pupils the wine reflected as a wavering shade of gray.
"By any chance…"
"Yes?"
"Is there another note?"
"Er."
I swallowed a sigh and produced another slip.
"I didn't want to hand this over, but Yo-hwa said, 'If the Director asks for a second note, give her this.'"
"…Open it."
"Here."
Two lines were written on the second note:
'Simply trust one human being.'
'A wager.'
A sneer tugged at Do-hwa's mouth.
"Hmmm…"
Sneers were as natural to her face as sunsets to the western sky, yet this time even that law of nature felt strained.
"Wait. Did you truly understand that message, Director?"
"More or less."
Her voice said "more or less," but her eyes were different: the sarcasm aimed with surgical precision at an orange-haired schemer who could not be present.
A long silence passed.
"However…"
She opened her mouth carefully.
"All right. I need to confirm whether I'm following. Since she called it a duel, I'll place my stake too…"
"Your stake?"
"Open the third note, Undertaker-nim."
"…"
"If I'm right, the last note will contain something truly vile. Then I'll join your ridiculous 'fake' scenario with everything I've got."
Do-hwa glanced at me.
"But if it says anything else, well. I'll forget every bit of nonsense I heard on this island."
I blinked.
"Really?"
"Yes. I won't hold it against you or tease you. We'll call it a simple vacation."
That was exactly what I wanted.
I drew out another slip. I'd never said there was a third note, yet she accepted it as natural.
And then—
"Heh."
The moment she read it, Do-hwa laughed.
Deeply, darker than her own eyes.
'Cowardice of the defeated.'
'If you want more, see the back.'
She flipped it over.
A longer sentence filled the reverse:
'Miracle logic: Invoice yourselves as debt to get what you want. Then claim it's separate. Detach! Booster! Launch!'
'Good thing this person is kind, right?'
Rip. Rip.
She tore the note to confetti.
Then something even wilder happened: she dumped the scraps into her wineglass and drank them in a single gulp.
"Uh."
While I gaped, Do-hwa swallowed the paper, wiped her lips with the long sleeve of her doctor's coat, and said,
"Undertaker…"
"Y-yes?"
"You have a real knack for collecting absolute bastards. Fabulous. Had I not met you, I'd have died not knowing this little land crawls with such dogs."
"…"
It was obvious—at least to me.
Anyone else might miss it because her face looked normal, but I saw it clearly:
Noh Do-hwa was genuinely angry.
Maybe "angry" was too broad, let's call it "pissed off."
Which amazed me.
"My God. Three scraps of paper actually pissed off the Director for real? What sorcery is this, Cheon Yo-hwa?"
"Fine. Undertaker. I will gladly join your 'fake' romance."
She stood.
"On one condition."
"A condition?"
"Yes. Just one, so don't fret."
Turning her back, she approached the gramophone, flipped through the LPs, and pulled out Piazzolla's "Libertango."
"If we start dating, from that instant every word I speak and every move I make will be a lie."
"Excuse me?"
"Exactly what you heard. Even if I say 'I love you,' it's a lie. In fact, I intend to speak and act only falsehoods."
"…"
"Holding your hand? A lie. Saying I'm happy? A lie. Until this cycle ends, I will never, ever show my true feelings again."
Every act, the reverse of her heart—
Saying "I feel good" would really mean "I feel awful."
A romance that was counterfeit in the literal sense.
"Ah. Of course, I won't stop you from misunderstanding. Delusions are a personal liberty."
"…"
"Well?"
Still she kept her back to me.
"Will you date me anyway?"
In that instant, I still didn't grasp the meaning of Yo-hwa's notes, but a different certainty kicked in, like instinct.
The Noh Do-hwa before me had made a monumental decision—one she'd avoided or hesitated over in every other cycle.
If I missed this chance, she would never reach it again.
Trusting that certainty, I answered at once.
"Yes."
"…"
Crrk.
She dropped the needle. The vinyl began to haul jazz up from the depths of the earth.
"Very well. From this moment…"
Do-hwa slipped off her white doctor's coat. When she turned to face me—
Noh Do-hwa was gone.
Only a single person remained, smiling brilliantly, like a flower in full bloom.
"Shall we drag everyone else into hell together, Mr. Undertaker?"
"…"
From that day forward, the most dangerous fake romance of our lives began.
-x-X-x-
The Suicidal IV
We first made our way back to the Korean Peninsula.
And for a few days we lay low, quietly holding our breath as if to say, "Nothing happened at our resort, nope, not a thing."
All of this was at Noh Do-hwa's insistence.
"Hmph. Even if we start dating, nobody will care if we proclaim 'Day 1' on a deserted island now, will they…?"
"Our aim is, after all, to observe how the rest of humanity reacts, and to discover the perfect strategy that suits those reactions. Wouldn't you say so…?"
"So."
"Go back to Busan and spend about a week acting as if a mouse has died, please…"
Naturally I wondered what scheme lay behind those words. When I asked the perfectly reasonable question, Noh Do-hwa merely lifted the corner of her lips in a faint smile.
"Just sit back and watch. Things will get rather entertaining…"
Because of that—
I returned to the graveyard on the roof of the Tower of Babel, to the classroom where the elder twin had been Time Sealed, and began interrogating Cheon Yo-hwa.
"How on earth did you persuade Noh Do-hwa?"
"Ahaha. Well. Even if you ask me, I'm not sure."
Cheon Yo-hwa sat on a classroom desk, swinging her legs.
"As you know, 'the me from back then' and 'the me now' are different. Every time you enter or leave this place, I reset."
"…Even so, your essence doesn't change. You must have an idea."
"Hmm-m. You said you passed her some notes, right? May I see what was written on them?"
I wrote them directly on the blackboard.
'Reverse thinking,' 'Simply trust one human being,' 'A wager,' 'Cowardice of the defeated.'
'If you want more, see the back,' 'Miracle logic: Invoice yourselves as debt to get what you want. Then claim it's separate. Detach! Booster! Launch!' 'Good thing this person is kind, right?'
At first Cheon Yo-hwa tilted her head, but as the white letters multiplied her expression gradually changed.
"Ah-ha."
"You understand?"
"Yes! And your handwriting is truly beautiful, Sunbae! If you'd been born in the Middle Ages you'd have lived comfortably as a scribe. You were born in the wrong era, Sunbae."
"…Not that, brat."
"Ahaha. Just joking, just joking."
Cheon Yo-hwa chuckled.
"Mm-hmm. Most of this would seriously damage Ms. Noh Do-hwa's honor, so I must keep it secret. Still! Don't worry! There's exactly one part I can explain."
"Which part?"
"You said Ms. Noh Do-hwa asked if a second note was ready right after receiving the first, yes?"
I nodded.
"Right. That was my first question, why did she assume there would definitely be another note?"
"Obviously! From Ms. Noh Do-hwa's point of view, a person named Cheon Yo-hwa pushing her toward romance with the Undertaker is automatically suspicious!"
Chk.
Proclaiming "Here comes the answer arc," Cheon Yo-hwa proudly declared.
Then, apparently to mimic Noh Do-hwa, she scowled, produced a monocle from somewhere, and put it on.
"Hrrmm? Cheon Yo-hwa? The self-proclaimed comrade who was Time Sealed? Why would she recommend I date someone? What gain could there be?"
"…"
"On top of that, she's openly confessed for ages that she likes the Undertaker. Now she wants to help me date him? Oh-ho. Something stinks."
The kid's impersonation skills were unexpectedly high.
Cheon Yo-hwa removed the monocle.
"Sunbae. Ms. Noh Do-hwa never moves unless she first grasps the other person's real intent and desire. She always assumes a trap."
"Mm."
"So the second note was written to bare my own heart."
Its content was simple:
'Simply trust one human being.'
'A wager.'
Cheon Yo-hwa flashed a bright smile.
"Ms. Noh Do-hwa is wondering whether Sunbae can truly reach a happy ending."
"…"
"So she reserved a bad ending in advance. But against that, I replied that I 'simply trust this one human being, the Undertaker.'"
I see.
"Hence 'a wager.'"
"Exactly!"
Cheon Yo-hwa beamed.
"Can Sunbae—the Undertaker—really draw out 'an ending that every last one of us can completely accept'? And beyond that… will even 'Noh Do-hwa' be included in that 'every last one'?"
"…"
"Ms. Noh Do-hwa doesn't believe in that possibility. Naturally so—it looks impossible."
Indeed.
Noh Do-hwa always distrusted happiness, rejecting the very word 'happy ending.'
With a 99.9 percent probability the world would not escape destruction, and so she naturally bet on that side.
Meanwhile—the girl before me was the exact opposite.
She was the type to stake everything on the 0.01 percent chance.
Not because it was 'hopeful' or 'romantic,' but because, very simply, the lower the odds, the greater the thrill when you win: the logic of a gambling addict.
"I'm sorry, but I can't explain the other notes. You'll need to hear those from Ms. Noh Do-hwa herself. Hehe. Of course, you can obtain them with her mouth—or with her lips, if you like."
"Yo-hwa, do you…."
"Yes?"
"Do you truly believe I can reach a happy ending? Why? How?"
The smile faded from Cheon Yo-hwa's face.
"Sunbae. Humans are always looking for a reason for defeat they can accept."
Even so, a faint echo of her smile lingered at her lips.
"If I lose because of you, I can accept that defeat without any question. In fact, I'd gladly lose."
"…"
"To believe in someone—if that belief is genuine—means you're ready not only to trust in their success but also to embrace their failure. Just as you trusted me, trusted us."
Cheon Yo-hwa said softly,
"I trust you too, Sunbae."
A week passed in a blur.
Given my recent narration, I may seem to have focused only on human relationships.
But that's merely because I tackle one theme per episode.
In the 1,000th cycle there were incidents far more serious than my social experiments, and I intend to cover them in the very next episode.
Thus—
[By the way, Mr. Undertaker.]
[Did you enjoy your vacation in Saipan?]
"…"
Even if the Saintess sent me such a message, it would be wrong to assume her interests were confined to 'this sort of thing.'
She was the Saintess. She ceaselessly strove for the security and ethics of the Korean Peninsula.
Only occasionally, about once a day, did she strike at my heart with a razor-sharp question.
"Ah, yes, well. You could say I enjoyed it. It was genuine rest, a proper vacation."
I fought desperately to keep my expression steady.
"Besides, Ms. Saintess, you know full well that even if you set up a playground, Director Noh Do-hwa would never play."
[Indeed, that is true.]
"So I built a hut and left her to rest thoroughly. Unless she's forced, that woman never rests."
[…]
I felt it—the gaze of suspicion. The silence.
Yet I absolutely refused to let a hint of emotion show on my face.
The experience of a regressor is no joke, unless it's a catastrophe on the level of 'confessing to Sim Ah-ryeon and being rejected,' nothing rattles my mental fortitude.
[I see.]
After a very brief silence, long enough for the Saintess to 'pause' and examine my face from every angle, her message continued.
[Then the fact that Ms. Noh Do-hwa purchased a large quantity of going-out clothes yesterday has nothing to do with the time you spent vacationing together on a deserted island?]
How could I not be startled by that remark?
"P-pardon?"
[Exactly as I said. Yesterday Ms. Noh Do-hwa, accompanied by two staff members, bought a set of bright, fashionable outfits.]
"Uh, I… this is the first I've heard of it. Didn't she usually just throw on whatever rags, cover them with a doctor's coat, and call it a day?"
[Yes. She claims it's because she can't be bothered. To the public she's popular for setting an example of frugal living.]
Honestly, if the Regressor Alliance had to arrest only two fashion terrorists, Sim Ah-ryeon and Noh Do-hwa would top the list.
"Hmph."
[…It seems you truly didn't know, Mr. Undertaker.]
Perhaps my stunned expression erased the last shred of her doubt. The Saintess continued.
[I apologize. It looked as if Ms. Noh Do-hwa's feelings had shifted dramatically. I ended up questioning you as if interrogating.]
"N-no problem. Director Noh Do-hwa is of supreme importance, after all."
[Yes. And in addition, today there is a hairdresser… no. Never mind. I'm sorry to disturb you during work.]
"?"
The ominous signs did not end there.
"Mr. Matiz. We have an emergency."
That evening, Yu Ji-won barged into the guild dormitory. Since her room was next door, invasion was easy.
"Huh? What's up?"
"It is an extremely serious matter. Director Noh Do-hwa has…."
"Noh Do-hwa?"
"…been possessed by an anomaly."
"?"
Yu Ji-won's face was deadly serious. I suspected she'd looked more relaxed even while slaughtering her own parents.
"Uh… Ji-won, maybe you don't know, but Director Noh Do-hwa isn't the sort who gets possessed easily."
"I thought so too. But after serving at her side for the past week, I reached an unavoidable conclusion. The current Director is… abnormal."
"What exactly is abnormal?"
"Shh."
Yu Ji-won glanced around, then leaned close like a spy passing Soviet secrets.
"The Director asked me whether her clothes suited her."
?
"She knows I worked as a fashion model in my youth—mainly look-books. Few people in the Corps rival my eye for style."
"It's nice to see you still advertise yourself as naturally as breathing. And?"
"About a week ago, she began with, [Now that I think of it, Team Leader Yu has good fashion sense, doesn't she?]—and next thing I knew, she summoned Busan's hottest designer and pattern maker."
???
"What on earth are you saying?"
"I share precisely the feelings you're experiencing now, Mr. Matiz. And that's not all."
"There's more?"
"Yes. It's hard to phrase, but… her way of speaking."
"Her way of speaking?"
"Originally the Director's tone was like gathering all of humanity's pessimism, hauling it into her mouth, and letting it dance on her tongue."
"Ji-won, you've been reading a lot, your prose has improved."
"Thank you. But since a week ago, the Director's speech has… um."
"What? Don't leave me hanging."
"…"
At that moment Yu Ji-won shut her mouth, clearly distressed.
"…I apologize, Mr. Matiz."
"Huh?"
"I thought it urgent to brief you, yet the Seoul Yongsan control tower seems to think otherwise."
My jaw dropped.
"You're telling me the Saintess telepathically stopped you from finishing that sentence??"
"I'm sorry."
"No, Saintess? Ms. Saintess? Could we have a quick talk? What is going on!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Matiz."
Yu Ji-won used every surviving facial muscle to display the utmost contrition.
"Even if I withdraw now, your affection for me will not change. Regrettably I have not forged such bonds with others."
She bowed.
"Thus I must focus on the variable of 'other people' rather than the constant that is you. Politics and human relations hinge on controlling variables. I shall take my leave. Have a good night."
"Ji-won? Ji-won. Ji-won! If you start talking, finish! Hey! Yu Ji-won! Dobongsan, you little—!"
Thud.
"…"
Left alone in my room, I could only gape.
What the heck? Seriously, what the heck?
That question was answered the very next morning, the day the promised week ended.
Dawn.
After spending a sleepless night in anxiety, I left the guild, exited the Inunaki Tunnel, and found Noh Do-hwa waiting at the entrance.
"Huh?"
Noh Do-hwa offered a faint smile.
"Good morning, Mr. Undertaker."
"…"
"I thought I'd go for an early walk again today, and suddenly you came to mind, so I waited a little."
Objection.
Noh Do-hwa had never waited outside for me to emerge from the tunnel. Such an event was impossible under classical mechanics.
Nor did she ever end her sentences with gentle ellipses or greet someone with a mild 'Good morning.' Such an event was impossible under quantum mechanics.
Furthermore, Noh Do-hwa wearing a shy, breeze-hidden smile was equally impossible.
Her usually messy black hair—half-dried and sticking out in every direction—was now smooth as silk, swaying gently in the wind. She brushed it back with the back of her hand and smiled again—also impossible.
And finally—
Noh Do-hwa, who always wore a battered doctor's coat over whatever rags she owned, now donned a perfectly fitted outfit—clearly commissioned from a designer and pattern maker who had poured their talent and hours into crafting it—yet still radiated the feel of 'everyday, casual wear.' Impossible.
In other words—
"Noh Do-hwa… Director?"
"Yes, Mr. Undertaker."
The woman before me had become beautiful.
So beautiful that even Yu Ji-won, whose looks were an impregnable fortress, might retreat half a step.
"I know you're busy, but… I recently found a place with delicious sangria."
Seeing my shock (and finally noticing she wore no monocle), Noh Do-hwa blushed faintly and, somewhat shyly, continued.
"If you have a little free time, would you like to take a walk with me?"
"…"
Mo Gwang-seo, Lord Jesus Christ.
What in heaven's name is happening to me?
-x-X-x-
The Suicidal V
What, really, makes the greatest masterpiece.
According to the opinion of a certain writer, Ms. Oh, whose credibility ranks dead last in the world.
"In the end, the novel you loved when you were a kid is, for you, the greatest masterpiece. Nothing else can beat a work that's been taxidermied inside your memories."
"Why's that? Memory only does one of two things, mister. Either it slaps on a filter that scrubs every blemish from a selfie, or it preserves that one blemish in ultra-high definition. The masterpieces of the past are always the former."
If I accept that claim, then sadly I've already missed the window to remember the
It wasn't only
Because for me, the Undertaker, every scrap of information about my childhood got sorted into the recycling bin labeled "memories that don't exist."
Even so, on the timeline of my memories,
Back when I was still pure—namely, before I was tainted by that otaku Oh Dok-seo—I was already under Commander Dang Seo-rin's orders to read and reread
If I have to pick the single most memorable scene, it was the moment the character named "Hermione" made her debut at the school ball.
– Wait, Hermione was that pretty?!
– Gah! No way! How can that bookworm with the permanent turtle neck suddenly become the belle of the ballroom!
– Just yesterday I was chatting with her like nothing. Can someone like me still stay by Hermione's side as her friend…?
It was, quite literally, the classic hidden-power-nerd cliché.
She had always possessed the looks to conquer the social battlefield if only she dressed up, yet until now she'd simply kept her distance from the mundane world to probe the truths of all creation—
But because the ignorant masses never stopped bad-mouthing her, the Grandmaster Hermione chose a single instant to unleash her hidden cultivation and rearranged the entire jianghu pecking order in one stroke.
I nodded and turned the page.
'Mm. This is sweet.'
Back in my 5th cycle, when I was still quite young, I never caught on.
Yet that very scene served, for me, as the archetype that would later shape the genre called "romance fantasy."
Even before I met Oh Dok-seo and was formally introduced to rofan, I had—like prophets sensing God's will before Christ spread the Gospel—already been baptised in the DNA of romance fantasy.
And what is the flower of rofan? Without a doubt, the high-society ball. Mandatory debutante. No theories or objections accepted.
For the record, I stayed firmly on the Harry-and-Luna ship till the very end.
A hero born as the prophesied child yet forever tormented by "fake news," and beside him Luna Lovegood, the daughter of a paper that printed nothing but "fake news," yet who alone saw through to Harry Potter's essence—surely they are the one legitimate couple skewering the series' irony…
But I digress.
So why was I suddenly reminiscing about Hermione's ballroom-debutante scene?
"…?"
Tilt.
Because the very person now strolling down Haeundae beside me—who sensed my stare, met my eyes, tilted her head, and softly smiled—Director Noh Do-hwa herself—
"If you keep staring at me like that, even I'm going to get a little embarrassed, Mr. Undertaker."
…was live-action inheriting the very roots of romance-fantasy cuisine right before my eyes.
I snapped back to myself with an empty laugh.
"Ah, my apologies. You just look so unfamiliar I stared without meaning to. But, um."
"Yes, go ahead."
"Are you… truly Director Noh Do-hwa?"
Noh Do-hwa—or whatever anomaly I was seeing—covered her mouth with a hand and laughed quietly.
"Mmm-hm. Seeing you this flustered makes all my preparation feel worth it. But it's a little sad too."
"Sorry?"
"If you fail to recognise me just because I dressed up a bit, that's lonely, you know. Or do you, like Team Leader Yu Ji-won, suspect I've been possessed by an anomaly?"
As I stammered, Noh Do-hwa's eyes curved into a smile.
"I'mreallyNohDo-hwa."
"…"
Her smile was as warm as spring sunlight, yet my head went ice-cold.
That single sentence yanked me by the hair and hauled me out of my daze back into razor-sharp reality.
'Right. That's how it was.'
Flustered? Why be flustered?
Noh Do-hwa herself had released the trailer over a week ago.
– If you decide to date me.
– Every word and every action of mine will be fabricated.
– Holding your hand is a lie. Saying I'm happy is a lie.
– Until the day this run ends I will never, ever, reveal my true feelings again.
A declaration of fake love.
It had started as a simple suggestion to pretend to date, yet Noh Do-hwa piled extra conditions on top.
However hollow the lies might be—no, precisely because they were hollow—
If I chose to date her, I would be allowed to see nothing but the "fabricated Noh Do-hwa," never the real her.
'I see. So this is what she meant by falsehood.'
By producing an entirely different self she could keep every shred of sincerity out of the romance, while feasting on my embarrassment.
That's Noh Do-hwa for you.
Truly an elite talent at teasing her partner straight into hell.
In that case, I too had a stratagem.
"I'm sorry to have disappointed you."
I clasped Noh Do-hwa's hand—gently, as though handling precious porcelain.
Then I spread across my lips a smile more perfect than anything on earth.
"I was so taken by you, Ms. Noh Do-hwa, that I blushed without realising."
"…"
"From now on I'll try to act like my usual self, too. Ahaha. Though it won't be easy, what with my heart pounding nonstop."
At that moment.
Cutting through all the lies and acting, a razor-sharp exchange of looks flashed between Noh Do-hwa and me, between the Director of the National Road Management Corps and the Regressor.
– And what kind of cheap trick do you call this?
– A secret art.
Heart-to-heart. The screech of naked intent.
I was, after all, someone who could interpret even the screams of anomalies. Cracking a human's gaze didn't require me to loosen my wrists.
– Countering the fake romance.
– Ah, so you'll play the fake Undertaker and pit fake against fake until one of the real ones breaks? Is that it?
– "Win before you fight," says the Art of War. For one like me who values human intimacy, light physical contact is routine. You, Director Noh Do-hwa, brand yourself a voluntary outsider and avoid human relationships. There's already a density gap in our lives. This battle is mine to win.
– Oh, screw you. Fucking bastard.
The instant those eye-beams crossed, Noh Do-hwa, as though nothing happened, softened her gaze again, folding her brows like curtains in shy fluttering.
'…Terrifying.'
An acting ability of truly fearsome calibre!
Who could look at this Noh Do-hwa and imagine she's that Director? No wonder even the Saintess or Yu Ji-won made a fuss.
'However.'
I kept that perfect smile glued to my face.
'I, the Undertaker—while I may not boast the inhuman acting chops of Oh Dok-seo's "Side Story Creation," I'm still skilled enough to not bring shame to my long, long life.'
What if I'd hesitated, dithering?
I'd still be floundering in confusion, feeding nothing but Noh Do-hwa's twisted voyeurism.
I could not allow that.
'Well then. How will she strike back?'
We had already left the seaside path behind and were nearing the entrance to Jagalchi Market.
Even at dawn it was crowded. At this rate, the sight of us holding hands would be put on public display before all Busan citizens!
A split-second crisis.
"…"
Squeeze.
"…!"
Amazingly, Noh Do-hwa did not answer with a barbed line or teasing wordplay.
She forewent her specialty.
Instead, wordlessly, she demonstrated with action.
'Interlaced fingers?!'
Yes.
Not content with casual hand-holding, Noh Do-hwa wove our fingers together, changing the battlefield through the tactic commonly called "locking fingers."
'Director Noh Do-hwa is locking fingers?!'
A scream made entirely of French rang inside my skull. I felt like a soldier witnessing the Wehrmacht's first blitzkrieg.
"…"
Unable to contain my shock I tried to force eye contact again, but it misfired.
The entity presumed to be Director Noh Do-hwa simply dipped her head thirty degrees, as if steeping embarrassment upon embarrassment like tea.
Even a regressor's eyes found no flaw in that acting.
'Have you lost your mind, Noh Do-hwa!'
I shuddered.
'Just how badly did Cheon Yo-hwa's message scratch you that you're willing to dive this deep into hell? Aren't you afraid of creating black history!'
And then it hit me.
'…Gasp! When all is done I'll be the only one left who remembers this!'
From Noh Do-hwa's perspective, even if a black-history event was born she had nothing to fear.
A few years on, once she embraced the world's end, everything would reset with an "oh well, I'll just forget."
'Ah, damn it!'
If the fake-dating front escalated into a black-history battle like this, I alone was doomed to shoulder all blame.
Around the moment my mind began buzzing blank—
"Ah! Undertaker, good morning. What brings you to the market toda—huh…."
Thud.
At the market entrance, someone wearing a witch's hat, someone who looked very much like Dang Seo-rin, was clutching a basket stuffed full. She had three attendants as well. The moment she spotted me and ran up to greet me, she suddenly dropped the basket.
Thump, roll roll roll…
Apples spilled from the basket, bright red and perfectly ripe, scattering across the ground.
Just like when Don Corleone was gunned down in The Godfather Part I.
My own feelings were not much different from Don Corleone's failing heart.
"…"
"Uh, you, uhh, you…."
Dang Seo-rin's finger, pointed at me, trembled violently.
"You—"
"Seo-rin."
"You, youuu!"
"Seo-rin. This is a misunderstanding."
"Youuuuuu! Who is thaaaaaat!"
The Heavenly Demon Dang Seo-rin's sonic arts tore the sky above Jagalchi Market in an instant.
Every gaze zeroed in on us.
"W-what? What's going on?"
"What in blazes is that noise?"
Mutter mutter.
The vendors who had been up since dawn stared at us wide-eyed, as if they'd just been woken up a second time.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
I almost envied Don Corleone—better to take a few bullets. This was hell.
"Who is she! You, who are you?! Do you know whose hand you're holding?! Huh? That's the Undertaker! Undertaker! Undertaker! Do you even know that?!"
"Oh?"
A soft chuckle slipped from Noh Do-hwa, perhaps the dirge that backs hell itself.
"Of course I know, Guild Leader Dang Seo-rin."
"You know who he is and you… you know who I am and you still?!"
"Certainly. But it hurts my feelings. We used to chat whenever we bumped into each other at the dawn market. It's only been a few days and you no longer recognise me?"
"Huh?! I-I don't know anyone like you!"
"Guild Leader Dang Seo-rin."
Srrk.
Noh Do-hwa drew a monocle from her bosom and set it over her eye.
With her other hand she kept our interlaced fingers, then leaned in and hooked her arm through mine.
"It's me. Noh Do-hwa."
"What?!"
"Noh Do-hwa."
"…"
"Noh Do-hwa."
"...…."
Cause.
To Dang Seo-rin, everything in the world translated into sound. Each object had its own timbre, and a unique tone resonated from Noh Do-hwa as well.
In other words, even if everyone else saw the current Noh Do-hwa and shouted "Fake! Enemy of the sect!" Dang Seo-rin alone could not.
Naturally, treating the Undertaker at her side as "fake" was also impossible.
"Ubbuh-bubbuh-buh—"
Result.
Dang Seo-rin fainted.
"Great Witch!"
"Seo-riiin?!"
"Hehe."
Her attendants and I rushed up and shook her, but her runaway consciousness refused to come home.
Vendors gathered from every side, clamouring "What's going on!" "Oh dear, Great Witch!" Even now Noh Do-hwa stuck to my side, adding confusion to the chaos.
It was bedlam—no, a literal market scene.
– Click!
At that moment an ominous sound hit my ears.
"H-haaa… whoa, h-holy crap…"
On the market floor, now a sea of people, I heard a voice all too familiar—one I dearly wished were not.
"Extra… sensational scoop, extraaa…"
My eyes locked with Sim Ah-ryeon.
"...!"
Gooseflesh spread across my skin.
I nearly forgot to wake Seo-rin.
"Ah-ryeon!"
"H-hieeek… s-scary."
Click click click.
"Ah-ryeon, what are you doing! Ah-ryeon!"
"I-it looked fun so I followed you… heehee. Holding back my sleep the past few days to get up early really paid off… The early bird gets the worm… and not just any worm either, a huuuge, squirmy earthworm…"
"Ah-ryeon! Don't go! Ah-ryeon, where are you heading!"
"Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Hehehe. D-delicious. Such a delicacy… The worm keeps wriggling and wriiiggling…"
Sim Ah-ryeon ignored me and slipped through the wall of people with her own footwork. I couldn't abandon the scene to chase her.
Later that very day.
A post went up on SG Net.
– OldManGoryeo: [Image] Undertaker ← If this bastard two-times the Great Witch of Samcheon World and the Director of the National Road Management Corps he's basically begging for suicide lol hit like lololol
(Likes: 3,103)
"..."
And thus SG Net logged the highest like count since its founding.
-x-X-x-
The Suicidal VI
Sssk.
– [Samcheon] MeteorIsIceMagic: I used to like the Undertaker because he always charged to the front and took down monsters faster than anyone, but fuck, he had the nerve to look away from our Great Witch? My back of the head still stings, lol (400m)
└AnonymousMischiefMaker: I knew this would happen
"…"
Even if I look over there.
– [NRMC] ForbiddenBooksDept17: Rumor's been circling Tower of Babel for days. They say the Undertaker confessed to the Director first. (500m)
└Anonymous: fr??
└[NRMC] ForbiddenBooksDept17: Yep. Was it a week ago? The Director took a short vacation. She went with the Undertaker, and apparently that's when he confessed. (500m)
└Anonymous: wow
└[Samcheon] MeteorIsIceMagic: This little punk, lololol (400m)
└Anonymous: Isn't this fake news??
└AnonymousMischiefMaker: I knew this would happen, I just knew it
"…"
Even if I glance that way.
– dolLHOuse: It's real (1,200m)
└Anonymous: wtf, a deep-layer source just verified it lololol
└Anonymous: So you're telling me the Undertaker was flirting with the Great Witch of Samcheon World, but behind her back he sneaked off on vacation with the Director of the National Road Management Corps and traded confessions?
└Anonymous: lololol
└Anonymous: But why is everyone logging out and commenting as guests??
└Anonymous: Because anyone bad-mouthing the Undertaker with their guild nickname showing in this situation would have to be crazy lolol
└Anonymous: fr lol most guild masters probably owe that guy all sorts of favors
└AnonymousMischiefMaker: I knew this would happen, and I knew that I knew it from a very, very long time ago, too
"..."
Every single post.
No matter how far I scroll on my smartphone, all I see is yesterday's exclusive scoop.
Flame war. Combustion. No, a five-alarm inferno.
The community was ablaze.
– Anonymous: Any awakeners living in Busan? I saw the photos last night—since when was the Director that pretty??
└Anonymous: fr… I had no idea who she was. if OldManGoryeo hadn't explained in the post I would've never guessed
– [Baekhwa] NewspaperClub2: Breaking)))) Café Azit closed indefinitely!!
└Anonymous: lmao
└Anonymous: Undertaker barista has rage-quit!!!
└Anonymous: Nooo, damn it, my daily joy—my iced Americano!!
"…"
Ahh.
My head went fuzzy.
Even so, I clung to my sanity.
'If I lose it here too, annihilation! Everything ends!'
The door of hope has not yet slammed shut.
Modern times are different from the past. These days the only community left on the internet is SG Net. Compared to the golden age, it's literally just a handful.
If I unleash the power of "SuchafuckingGarbageMan" here!
"Seo Gyu!"
"Ah… hyung."
Basement of the National Road Management Corps. I barged into the monster prison where Seo Gyu had been appointed as chief warden.
But for some reason the look in Seo Gyu's eyes as he greeted me was troubling.
As if he had resigned himself to 'Well, it's finally here.'
Sensing danger, I immediately activated the patented technique of a regressor. I 'pasted' the regressor's information straight into my brain.
"Right! My little bro! Wow, your shoulders get broader by the day. How do you end up with delts like that when all you do is smash cereal? Huh? It's pure talent, talent. That's real dinosaur DNA!"
"Ah. Thank you…"
"Your outdoor gym at Haeundae is popping off these days. Yeah? The members' bodies are, whoa, if they were civilians back in the day they'd have entered competitions. Feeling stiff anywhere lately? Should I ask Uehara Shino to whip up some S-rank joint supplements?"
"Uh! N-no, I'm good, hyung."
Inside my skull a siren shrieked.
Seo Gyu usually lit up at shoulder compliments, but he was lukewarm. That was beyond abnormal.
"Uh, uh-huh. Hmm. Anyway. SG Net's been a little noisy lately…"
"Yes. Not just lately, it's been on fire from last night straight through this morning."
"Hmph. SG Net was founded so we could easily share info on anomalies."
"It was, once."
"Well. Hmm. I'm not sure it's right to let fake news completely unrelated to our community's purpose incite awakened ones like that."
"…Hyung."
A complicated look clouded Seo Gyu's eyes.
"This place is, in the setting, a community run by Constellations. No matter how hot the boards get because of news about you, hyung, the Constellations have no reason to interfere."
"Gasp, I've got a great idea. Let's stage a blackout! Seo Gyu. We claim a 'Blackout Anomaly' appeared, shutting down smartphone access across the board!"
"Hyung…"
Huh? Weird. We weren't even talking about Three Kingdoms trivia, yet Seo Gyu was looking at me just like back then.
"Please start facing reality."
"W-what?"
"What good is sinking SG Net? No matter how much the kids there scream, it doesn't affect you. The problem isn't SG Net, it's people around you like Dang Seo-rin noona or Chairwoman Cheon Yo-hwa, right?"
"...."
"I'll quietly make sure baseless rumors stay buried. So please, hyung, forget SG Net… uh?"
Seo Gyu stopped after glancing at his phone.
Every human born on the Korean peninsula has a special auditory device built in.
Just from the single syllable 'uh' we can instantly tell if it means affirmation, surprise, hesitation, and a rainbow of other nuances.
Seo Gyu's 'uh' just now translated crystal-clear: 'We're screwed.'
"W-what is it? Why're you like that?"
"…Hyung, um. You should probably take a look at the SG Net post that just hit the recommendations."
I logged in.
– [EasternHolyState] NorthernSaintess: I have a confession for all believers, so I'm posting this. (1,200m)
"…"
The title alone sent a chill creeping up my spine from my tailbone.
Needless to say, '[EasternHolyState] NorthernSaintess' was the nickname Sim Ah-ryeon used. Not OldManGoryeo, but the alias when she pretended to be the Saintess.
'But Ah-ryeon said using that ID was boring and she hardly ever touched it.'
Why now of all times?
I tapped and read the body.
– I was informed that a rumor has been spreading on SG Net since yesterday.
– The rumor claims that someone called the "Undertaker" is dating, or in a similar relationship with, the Guild Master of Samcheon and the Director of the National Road Management Corps.
– I wish to say a few words regarding this, so I have taken the difficult step of posting. As I am unfamiliar with community culture, please forgive any breaches of etiquette.
– Please, believers, do not be swayed by the incitement and defamation in this virtual space; stand firm in your faith.
– Because the Undertaker—far beyond what I deserve—confessed to me, Sim Ah-ryeon, who has been given the title of Northern Saintess, just last week.
– "I love you. Please go out with me."
– …It was an extremely passionate confession. Even my heart fluttered without meaning to.
– But I am one who devotes herself solely to the love of God. After hearing Mr. Undertaker's confession, we agreed to pursue a platonic communion of souls transcending the flesh.
– I trust him.
– If you think about it logically, someone who conveyed his feelings to me last week could not possibly be sharing romantic moments with others this week in full view of the public.
– Once again, I earnestly ask all members of the Eastern Holy State to refuse fake news.
– In the name of our Lord Mo Gwang-seo, Jesus Christ. Amen.
"...…."
"Hy-hyung, this is obviously bs, right?"
Seo Gyu watched my face.
Meanwhile the post's upvotes kept climbing: one hundred, two hundred, three.
Especially the comments from members tagged with [EasternHolyState] multiplied exponentially.
– [EasternHolyState] KindServant: ?
– [EasternHolyState] LowlyServant: Saintess??
– Anonymous: So that bastard even messed with our angel who knows nothing of the world?
– [EasternHolyState] BraveServant: Is this real?
The wind blew.
Into the flames of the board, a wind was blowing.
Pure headcount-wise, if you count awakeners by guild membership, the Eastern Holy State was overwhelming number one――
Until now they had treated the flaming board as "those Busan guys at the southern tip doing crazy stuff" and merely spectated.
But they were beginning to realize the burning house was actually theirs.
"Come on. No matter how crazy the world is, there's no way you confessed to Ah-ryeon, hyung."
Seo Gyu laughed.
"Ahaha. So it's a lie, right? Seriously, Ah-ryeon doesn't know where the line is. If it's false I'll nip it in the bud right away… huh? Hyung? Why aren't you answering? Hey, stop joking. Hyung. There's no way, even if the sky falls, that you said those kinds of words to Ah-ryeon. Hyung? Hyung? Hyung?! Seriously?! Are you serious?! Hyyuuung!"
I left the basement.
It was absolutely not running away.
I was deeply moved by Seo Gyu's words. Fretting over anonymous reputations in cyberspace? Far better to pour my attention into my precious people nearby.
[Mr. Undertaker.]
"Saintess!"
I glanced around the corridor to make sure we were alone and spoke at once.
"Why did you ignore my calls all day and only speak to me now! I almost rushed up to Seoul!"
After two days of silence, the saintess telepathy finally reopened.
[I'm sorry. I did everything I could to dissuade Sim Ah-ryeon, but I couldn't stop her.]
"No, it's fine. Ah-ryeon is a fake, a knockoff, a phony saintess at best. As long as the true Ms. Saintess stays by my side, I fear nothing."
I was desperate.
Yes. If I could at least bring the saintess over to my side in this situation, hope remained.
"More importantly, Saintess. In the name of the Constellations, could you put in a good word with Dang Seo-rin? Doesn't Dang Seo-rin tend to trust messages from the Constellations? If you would just—"
"Oh-raa."
A voice drifted from down the hall.
"Mr. Undertaker. What are you doing here?"
It was a storm.
This was the Tower of Babel, and there was no way the Director wouldn't know I'd come to the basement, so of course the odds of running into her were high.
Noh Do-hwa today was again in "Hermione" mode. Semi-formal suit attire. Different vibe from yesterday, but her beauty unchanged, perfectly styled.
No, this is not the time to admire fashion.
"Ah. Director Noh Do-hwa. Good morning."
"Yes. Good morning."
"Please wait a moment. I'm in the middle of a call with the Saintess—"
"Hmm. Are you, now?"
Softly. Noh Do-hwa came closer and, like yesterday, casually linked her arm through mine.
"Got it. I'll just wait right here like this. Go on with your call."
"Uh…"
[…]
While I stood flustered, Noh Do-hwa glanced up at the ceiling and spoke.
"Huh, how odd. Miss Yongsan. weren't you talking with my Undertaker? It's awkward when you suddenly message me instead."
"…"
"Sorry. As I told you for days now, I prefer face-to-face communication unlike you, Miss Yongsan… I don't think I can give you a proper answer."
After a pause, the saintess's voice came back to me.
[All right.]
She pronounced each word crisply, syllable by syllable.
[I'll come down to Busan today.]
[Since Ms. Cheon Yo-hwa was already preparing hundreds of guild members at Baekhwa Girls' High, I'll join them and head down together.]
[See you shortly, Mr. Undertaker.]
[Ms. Noh Do-hwa.]
Click.
The telepathy cut off.
"…"
I turned to look at Noh Do-hwa.
The dark circles under her eyes were nowhere to be seen; she smiled with a freshness that was downright dazzling.
"Oho. Miss Yongsan and even Cheon Yo-hwa Student Council President. Looks like the Tower of Babel will be crowded with guests for once. Fufu. Shall we browse the market today and pick out gifts for them?"
"…"
That evening.
"All right, all right. Attention everyone!"
Bang, bang, bang.
Tower of Babel's grand conference room. A gavel echoed; the attendees were a star-studded lineup.
'Chief Warden of the Monster Prison', Seo Gyu.
'Director of the National Road Management Corps', Noh Do-hwa.
'Great Witch of Samcheon World', Dang Seo-rin.
'The Strongest Awakener', the Saintess.
'Baekhwa Girls' High Student Council President', Cheon Yo-hwa.
'OldManGoryeo Villain', Sim Ah-ryeon—who shamelessly showed up wearing her saintess robes.
Plus Lee Ha-yul and Yu Ji-won. And even Fairy No. 264 (why are you actually here?).
Not only the members of the Regressor Alliance but even Dang Seo-rin were present!
Just with the people gathered here, we could probably take a shot at world domination. In fact, tally up the number of times we've destroyed the world and it easily breaks into double digits.
In this weighty space, for some reason Oh Dok-seo sat at the head table presiding over the meeting.
"Given the gravity of the issue, Mr. Undertaker ought to serve as chair—but―"
Oh Dok-seo pointed the gavel at me.
Off to one side of the room, I was tied to a chair, limbs and torso and neck all bound. Lee Ha-yul had used her Puppet Threads, tougher than any rope in existence.
"Mmph! Mmmph, mmphh."
For the record, my mouth was gagged too.
Oh Dok-seo wore a sorrowful expression.
"――Unfortunately, the Undertaker is attending as the defendant, so I, Oh Dok-seo, will preside against my will. Any objections?"
"Mmphhh!"
"None? I'll take that as unanimous."
Oh Dok-seo nodded, solemn and grave.
"Then, given the urgency of the current situation, namely the possibility that Samcheon World, Baekhwa Girls' High, and the Eastern Holy State might form a triple alliance and attack the National Road Management Corps, we shall commence the meeting immediately."
"…"
This place…
was hell.
-x-X-x-
The Suicidal VII
People each had a role of their own.
Even when my voice failed to reach anyone, when nobody cared, a moment always came when I had to accept that role for myself.
"Mmff, brbrmmf brrmf!"
So I fought back.
The obstacle sealing up my body and my mouth was Lee Ha-yul's Puppet Thread, the strongest fiber known on Earth.
No matter how wildly I, the Undertaker, writhed about to prove the earthworm DNA stamped onto my genes, snapping that thing was nearly impossible.
But if I drew on aura here—!
"Shh, quiet."
Noh Do-hwa, seated right beside me, murmured into my ear.
"Please stay still, Mr. Undertaker."
"Mmrf?"
"You aren't really going to toss aside the grand cause of sealing Leviathan and unleash your aura just to defend your rights in this chaos… are you?"
"…"
"Hehe. Kidding. I know better than anyone you're not that vulgar, Mr. Undertaker."
Oh, heavens above!
"Hol-o-oon a min-uut-e!"
Thud. Someone sprang up in the conference room; a white sailor uniform fluttered.
It was Cheon Yo-hwa, who an hour earlier had dragged hundreds of Baekhwa Girls' High students into the "Busan Landing Operation."
"First off, I hate this seating plan. Why is that girl sitting next to Teacher like it's natural?"
Cheon Yo-hwa's crimson eyes burned.
She had already dunked one person on the way here, and you could almost feel her resolve not to miss a two-for-one sale on adding another.
"Vacate Teacher's left and right seats. Now. Or it's war."
"Uh, President Cheon Yo-hwa? Over just that? Are you serious?"
"Why? Need proof?"
"Ah—so you are serious. Very well. This court orders both seats beside the defendant, the Undertaker, to be cleared immediately."
Bang bang—the gavel sound effect rang.
"Hng."
Noh Do-hwa flashed a smiling gaze, feigned regret, and slid one seat over.
Cheon Yo-hwa still snorted but closed her lips. Sealed or not, "intent to kill" and "murderous aura" were already manifesting around her, so it hardly mattered.
"Thank you for tidying the seats. Now, as pre-agreed, the Saintess will speak first."
Bow.
The Saintess opposite us stood and dipped her head.
Incidentally, only yesterday Dang Seo-rin had swallowed the red pill that no Constellation existed and the Saintess was acting, and, on top of that, learned the Undertaker was a regressor. Fainting again after that one-two mental punch was no surprise.
"Honourable Judge, esteemed jurors, I must first remind everyone that thanks to Noh Do-hwa an old promise among us has been broken."
Huh, an old promise?
"Indeed!"
I had no clue what she meant, yet assent exploded across the room.
Cheon Yo-hwa even looked ready to tie on a red band and start picketing, and nearly every attendee nodded.
"Your Honour, on this side contract I request testimony from the witness holding the document."
"Request granted."
Apparently I alone was ignorant of this "promise," for Oh Dok-seo smoothly produced something.
The evidence looked painfully familiar.
"Mmgh?"
"A laptop?"
Yes, the Infinite Metagame Admin's laptop.
Oh Dok-seo toggled the power, and
[lolololololololol]
—as if the camera had watched everything—the desktop wallpaper was plastered with 'lol'.
[I-knew-it-lol] [If you're an Outer God watching this, smash that like] [I'll go first lol] [Mastermind: the GOAT 'Faker' Cheon Yo-hwa] [We worship]
[What-you-staring-at?] [Not-done-laughing-yet]
[lolololololololololololololololol]
That… that little—
"Ahem, witness. This is a court. Unrelated comments are excess, please refrain."
[Oh my. Do you speak, O glorious Judge, vaster than the cosmos itself?]
"Yes. Since your marinade's still raw, next time we'll feed you only sub-two-star Three Kingdoms fanfics on SG Net before AI training."
[Apologies...]
Are you doing that behind my back, Dok-seo?
"Everyone here's busy. Testify quickly."
[Yes.]
Cha-ak. The white-haired noblewoman on-screen hid her lips behind a fan, the tinny speaker filled the room.
[As the Judge already knows, this 'side contract' was drafted in the 925th cycle.]
The 925th cycle, the run where the Infinite Metagame Admin surrendered to me, when the Invisible Dragon rampaged in the Daegu desert.
[Similar verbal pacts existed previously.]
[But once I grew 'safe' by surrendering, I was officially entrusted with safekeeping the document.]
Oh Dok-seo nodded.
"Please state its contents plainly, witness."
[Certainly. The side contract is:]
[A pact that until we're clear of complete world destruction, no one will actively form a romantic relationship with the regressor, the Undertaker.]
[More exactly, until he himself sincerely seeks romance, we won't force anything on him.]
[And the one who proposed this was the serialization dropper posing on the bench—]
"The Three Kingdoms."
[—but actually a perfect grand writer with unmatched talent: Oh Dok-seo.]
???
[The grand writer feared that even a hairline crack could shatter the regressor party.]
[Thus Grand Writer Oh Dok-seo…]
"Yo, my GOAT. What's up?"
[I feel rather like you. What is it, miko brat?]
"Since you surrendered, you can inherit documents next run like an ark outside time, right?"
[Restrictions exist, but broadly yes. Why?]
"Then could you sneak over files besides the old man's chronicle?"
[Possible, but nothing harmful to the Undertaker—surrender's condition.]
"Fine, that part's okay."
[...?]
"Because the file helps him."
[...??]
"So, Saintess unni, here's my idea: we draft an agreement and pass it to our next-run selves."
"…"
"Honestly, how busy is the old man? Even ten bodies fall short. If some emotional bomb drops? Haah. Were I him I'd quit."
"…So wishes to deepen ties with the Undertaker are postponed until the world-ending threat is gone—yes?"
"Yup!"
"I think it's a fine idea."
"Knew it! Now, I'm most worried about President Cheon Yo-hwa. Help me persuade her—"
"All right! Everyone gather!"
"…"
"…"
"You've all read the contract. I'll read it: The seven of us—Saintess, Noh Do-hwa, Cheon Yo-hwa, Sim Ah-ryeon, Yu Ji-won, Lee Ha-yul, and Oh Dok-seo—swear to guard this pact. We shall not deepen relations with the Undertaker into true romance, and if any of us breaks it, we'll actively exclude her. Uh, yes, Ha-yul?"
[Why's Seo-rin unni missing?]
"Ah. Dang Seo-rin isn't in the Regression Alliance. Even if we sign in the 925th cycle, she won't hear it in the 926th. She's already limited, forcing this too would be cruel."
[Okay. Got it.]
"Great. Continuing. Even someone like me, without feelings, must watch the signatories faithfully—oh, crap. Ah-ryeon unni?"
"Um, well, w-what if Dang Seo-rin makes the first move on Guild Leader and he gives in?"
"Uh… I combed the past and that never happened."
"T-that's the past. I'm talking about the future… maybe that's too hard for you… hmm…"
"Ah. Damn. Fine. Ah-ryeon unni has a point. If that happens, we meet fast and plan. Okay?"
"Umm… y-yes…"
"And! Never! Tell the old man this happened! Ever!"
"W-why?"
"Because I ship Nohtaker; if he learns we schemed, he'll just start dating Seo-rin unni to end everything."
"…"
"…"
"Guys, don't look at me like that, okay? My motives don't matter, only helping him does. No? I'm the only trash? I'm giving you hope—maybe not now but someday—through this contract! You should thank me! None of you would tolerate two-timing anyway!"
"T-trash…"
"Oh. Fine."
"Then let him date, wipe love each run, and enjoy full-course despair."
"…"
"A tragedy? Great. All his efforts end in love a regressor can't keep. My taste too. Let's have kids. Why not? Hey, let's decide the order. President Cheon Yo-hwa, you date him next run!"
"…"
"Then Ms. Ji-won. Then Saintess unni. One love, one despair. Infinite failure. Masterpiece, right?"
"…"
"A man repeating life for a fleeting moment with his beloved. That's essentially Schopenhauer, isn't it? See! He was right! The old man suffered 900-plus runs for nothing. Right, Sim Ah-ryeon? Hey! Sim Ah-ryeon!"
"I misspoke."
"Good. Sign. I don't care if you're an empress or King Sejong. I just want this story's end, real life gives enough stupid angst."
"…"
"Ah, signing's optional. Except the next-run me inherits it. So… please. Unnies. Ha-yul. Even if we hate each other sometimes, let's not wound one another behind the curtain. Please."
Silence fell on the room.
"…"
"…"
People each had a role of their own.
Even if their voices reached no one, when nobody noticed, a moment came when they accepted that role.
Oh Dok-seo was the same.
"We're all patients, infected by Void Poison to some extent."
From the bench, Oh Dok-seo rested her chin, fatigued yet sharp-eyed.
"We all know we're partly insane. Once emotion hits, you want to possess, monopolise, feelings so fierce they barely seem human; sometimes you'd hand yourself over to them."
"…"
"But, are you sure you can handle it?"
Her fingers stroked the laptop.
"Almost everyone here is a shrine maiden. Are you certain the feelings you have are truly yours alone, untouched by the Void?"
"…"
"Let's delay things a bit."
Thud. Oh Dok-seo shut the laptop.
"For us, twenty years tops. Mister waited tens of thousands. I don't know love well, but I know promising to walk the same timeline is part of it."
"…"
"When every last bit of the Void is gone and humans can face humans properly, we'll pick up the epilogue then."
Her gaze drifted once around the room and settled on me.
She shrugged.
"Sorry, Mister. I'd rather you not see us like this, but here we are."
"…"
"No, that's cowardly. Truth is, I showed you on purpose. I figured you suspected, but I wanted to jolt you harder."
The Puppet Thread sealing my mouth came loose on its own. I spoke.
"Was I too naive?"
"No, too trusting. It's your best and worst point."
Oh Dok-seo sighed.
"To you, twenty years is a blink, but for most, waiting that long in silence rots them inside."
"…"
"I hated piling more weight on you, but hiding it felt ruder. So I used shock therapy."
She scratched her cheek.
"If you show zero interest in romance, everyone copes, focuses on work. But when Dang Seo-rin gets close, dominoes fall, some lose control."
"…"
"And asking you to pick one person now, before averting the apocalypse, is cruel. Embarrassing. So… sorry, Mister. This was my real aim."
Oh Dok-seo spoke.
"Couldn't Seo-rin unni join the Regression Alliance and stand with us?"
I paused.
Her eyes, tinged with some sorrow, faced me squarely.
"Inside your heart, the final words tenth-run Seo-rin unni left… Let's finally lay them to rest."