Hey, Folks!
I hope all is going just as well as possible for all of you out there!
Life has been okay on my end, you know?
I've been a bit down, but that is nothing I can't handle.
I think my emotions have been a bit off since this month marks the four-year mark of me being quite single, lol. Take that fact and combine it with these "Old Journals" of mine, and the "Dear You." series, and you get a bit of an emotional mess, lol.
Traveling through one's emotional corridors and the rooms filled with memories can be very jarring.
I have a bit of a hard time keeping up at times, but there is nothing I can't handle.
I will finish this series and the "Dear You." as you all deserve it, you know?
I believe that I deserve it as well.
I deserve to be able to look back and not feel something heavy or negative.
I deserve happiness just as well as anyone else with a good heart.
I will let you all get to what you all came for, lol.
I love and appreciate all of you.
See you soon!
Enjoy.
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September 23rd, 2013.
Journal #096.
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It's been an interesting past few days.
This XXXXX chick is...
Interesting, to say the very least.
I like her, though, which is both a good and bad thing.
But I already told her how I feel about everything, and she accepted it.
Wow.
She really could be a good girlfriend, I just am not ready for really ready for a new relationship, and the cool part is she knows that and is cool with it.
So, I'll take my time.
What will be, will be...
I have been trying to forget that I love XXXXX so much.
I know that sounds bad, but I need to stabilize my heart.
I can only be so strong, and the massive amount of love (I have) for her starts to drive me crazy if I don't control it because it has no place to go...
It's all bottled up, and I can't just hold it in, or I'll never be fully happy.
So, it's mind over matter.
If I don't think of it as much, the feeling will slightly fade.
Keeping me sane.
I'm not crazy, just love is a powerful force.
An annoying one, too...
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Hmm.
Very hmm.
- I had met an amazing woman online. She was the one who was really into my poetry, if you all can recall.
I wish that I had seen her for what she was, you know? I was young and immature.
I was blinded by the lust and infatuation that had given me the idea that I would be loved by that gothic girl someday.
I was a fool.
She was so into me, genuinely, and I was so stuck on someone else that I didn't see how amazing and pure her love for me was.
That is one of my biggest regrets, you know?
I pushed her away because I thought that I had a great and thriving future ahead of me with someone else, and all along, all I had was a field of nightmares that I refused to see as anything else but dreams.
I was a mighty fool.
Be careful what you wish for, Folks.
Not everything that glitters is gold.
Mind what you want and what you wish for, or you may just find yourself trapped and manipulated into staying somewhere that you weren't wanted or needed for far longer than you could imagine...
I did.
I was trapped.
I was lost.
I survived, yes.
But I paid for that survival... A very steep price, if I might say so myself.
My heart is still scared.
Afraid to love and let love...
My mind is guarded and wary.
I will never see love or relationships the same, and that is all because I chased someone who was constantly running further and further away from me.
Someone who didn't want my love.
I wasted all of that time on the wrong person, when the right one was sitting there before me the whole time...
Sheesh.
I hate it.
I hate myself for it.
I hate myself for hurting and pushing away people who did nothing but love and want he best for me.
I hate that old me.
But you know something?
I am not that old me anymore.
I am healed and healthy.
I am mindful and emotionally mature.
I am ready to love and be loved.
I am...
I just find myself living with the fear that comes with having survived abuse for so long...
I am a survivor.
- I gave far too much love that was never wanted or needed, you know?
Don't chase anyone. If you are chasing them, they don't want you.
They don't like you.
They are not for you.
Love should never hurt, folks.
Does it require time, attention, and effort?
Fuck Yes.
Should any of those things be painful?
Fuck no.
I wasted nearly nine years of my life, energy, money, and time with her.
With someone who would have probably been much happier without me.
Don't do that, Folks.
Make sure that the efforts and love that you pour in are mutual, or you cut that shit out right this fucking moment and walk away!
Fuck that, and fuck them.
You are better off alone until you find someone who loves and values you as much as you love and value yourself.
If you don't love and value yourself, stay fucking single until you do, or someone will use the shit out of you.
Again, fuck that, and fuck them.
You are one among millions, and you are the only YOU.
I am the only ME, and I love and appreciate that now more than ever.
I hope that you all know and see your worth, and if that ever begins to waver, remember this;
FUCK THAT, AND FUCK THEM!
You've got this!
I love and appreciate all of you for coming back for me weekly, and I will see you all soon back here, yeah?
Safe travels as you traverse this weird world of ours, Folks.
I will leave you at that and see you all soon enough!
Hug someone. Life is short, and a little bit of love goes a long way.
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.