Hey, Folks.
How have you all been?
Good, I hope.
I have been just as good as can be.
Have you heard of Crimson Desert?
I am just as addicted to that game as most other people who game are, lol.
It is a good game despite all of the flaws, lol.
But it has the potential and the longevity to be something great.
It made me take a break from Lego building, one of my other nerdy hobbies, but I won't let it take me away from you all and my writing.
You have my word.
I hope that this new entry finds you all in a good place, and if not?
I truly hope that whatever plagues you changes very soon.
April comes with one of my favorite days of the year: Earth Day!
My personal element is Earth, so maybe I'll be at my elemental peak that week!
I put in for some vacation.
It has been too long, and I have a handful of coffee shops that I really want to sit in and get some good writing done, you know?
I really look forward to that.
I look forward to being able to just take it easy for a few days in a row and just dive into my writer's core.
Mayhap you all will be gifted something amazing out of that little vacation, lol.
I won't even be leaving Milwaukee, but I won't be at work, and that is all that matters.
I will see you all back here soon enough, yeah?
Let's see what Young Me was getting into, shall we?
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September 28th, 2013.
Journal #098.
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So it ends.
A good night, it was.
A pretty awesome party.
Many people here.
A very good time.
XXXXX's keys pissed me off.
I found them,
But I don't like being yelled at.
At all.
Bad past.
It just doesn't sit well with me.
Every time I think things are settling with XXXXX,
She kicks the dust back up.
It's strange how we feel about each other.
How we live in two different worlds,
Yet we affect each other's worlds so much.
She can't just give up on her dreams of having a child of her own.
Maybe...
Maybe those dreams are partially my dreams too...
God, I'm so tired.
Physically and mentally...
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Hmm.
- I threw so many parties that I can't recall which one this was without more context, you know?
I am sorry! Lol.
I don't even recall my ex's friend yelling at me as she apparently did that night, but I know that I didn't like it, and that heavy feeling still resonates within me to this day.
I grew up in a home with (before being unceremoniously shifted into foster care) six other children who were all my half-siblings.
All of us had different fathers, besides the three youngest.
Their father was my secretly racist stepfather.
I say that to say this: My mother did a hell of a lot of yelling.
It wasn't so much that she was mean or cruel, you know?
More so, she had to raise and manage seven little nigglets (Black or partially Black children) and deal with my very dictatorial stepfather.
It was... Something.
It was my childhood.
My family.
It made me who I am, but unfortunately, it also taught me that it is okay for pain and love to coexist. Living in and growing up within that chaos showed me a type of toxic love that I would grow to look for in women in my later years.
I found all of that pain and more within the folds of my ex-fiancé.
Hmm.
On a random note, that same upbringing made it extremely hard for me to join the U.S. Military, even though a part of me wanted to.
The yelling and force needed to carve me into a soldier would have probably fractured my mind and sent me into fits of P.T.S.D from my childhood.
Hmm, again.
- In hindsight, I think that the love, peace, and balance that I had to offer were just too foreign a concept for her.
It was boring, unsettling, and off-putting for her to be exposed to a clean and healthy form of love and affection, and outside of that, there was simply no mutual respect and attraction.
She was comfortable, and she knew that I wouldn't dare walk away.
Well, until I did, lbvs.
- I wanted a child just as much as she did, if not more. I can't and won't speak for her.
I know this much as truth, though... She didn't want one with ME.
I will leave you all at that and see you all back here soon for the next one, yeah?
I will do my best to get back to you before the latter days of the week, if I can help it.
If not? Well, you will always get the chapter by Friday!
You have my word.
I love and appreciate all of you, and I look forward to spilling the next chapter all over the walls of your brains.
See you soon, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.