Hey, Folks.
How's life been treating you?
Good, I hope.
I hope that you all had a great Mother's Day, and/or celebrated with someone worthy of the title.
My Mum and I don't have the best or closest relationship, but she is a good person for who she is, given all the changes she has implemented in her life over the years.
I spent the day with her and a handful of my siblings, eating, drinking, and cracking jokes.
It was a decent time for what it was.
I haven't been very family-oriented since I was around 16.
That is when I realized that family is a very... fickle word.
Sometimes family is what you make it, and that can have little to nothing to do with blood.
I have friends that I am far closer to than any of my siblings, and I have -including my Mum's and Father's sides combined- 14 siblings.
Six brothers and eight sisters.
I talk to three, maybe four of them, every once in a while when we cross paths during holidays, or over social media.
The conversations always feel weird and forced, and I find it hard to find things to speak about or to relate to.
I have so many niblings that I can hardly count them, and their names?
A gun to my head couldn't make or help me remember 90% of them! Lbvs.
I hope that all of you have good and healthy family dynamics.
People need people, you know?
A part of me wishes I were more family-oriented...
That I had closer relationships with people I grew up with.
Hmm.
Sometimes there are just things that people do that are unforgivable, you know?
Or, if anything, I forgive and avoid, lol.
I don't make time for people who don't make time for me, nor do I care to build relationships with people who I can't trust to have my own well-being in mind.
Mayhap I'll go into details someday.
I will stop with the rambling and let you get to what you came for, yeah?
I will see you all back here soon enough, cool?
Enjoy!
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October 4th, 2013.
Journal #101.
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So much pain...
It drives me crazy...
Especially when it's hers...
Death is hard.
Life is too hard...
Life is too short...
It's going to be a tough few weeks...
But she is strong.
I hope it all turns for the better
Soon.
It's 4:38 AM...
So tired.
-----
Hmm.
Her Aunt had passed away.
It was really hard on her for many reasons, you know?
She had worked as a Persona Care Worker for her Aunt for quite some time, and it was she who had found her after the woman had passed away at home in her bed.
I can't imagine how that feels, especially being so close to the family member.
I remember her sitting on the edge of my bed and crying profusely; her shoulders bobbed as tears flooded her face.
I wanted to go to her and hold her, but we were still not in that sort of place in our friendship, regardless of how I felt about her at the time, and I didn't feel as if it were my place.
Her best friend was there and held her as she wept.
She then threatened me later, saying something along the lines of:
"You'd better hug her next time she is crying like that, or I will slap the shit out of you."
I can't recall what I had responded, or if I had, but it must have been nothing major if I didn't write about it in this old journal.
Hmm.
I remember that not sitting well with me, though, and it put a permanent dampener on the friendship dynamic that we had.
Her best friend had never really liked me due to the misconception that I had something against Black women, so I wouldn't date them.
This is not at all true, and is an idea that she formed on her own from a conversation that we had in a group some time before.
Anyway...
The irony in her not liking me for that reason was that her best friend, whom I was dating/engaged to at the time, was Puerto Rican...
I was drained, and it was the very early hours of the morning.
I think we had been drinking the night before, but I can't recall.
Hmm.
Well, that is the end of this one, Folks, and I hope it found you all well.
I will see you all back here soon enough for the next one, and I hope that you are all doing well and continue to do well until then!
I love and appreciate you, as always, and as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.