Hey, Folks.
How have you all been?
I have been doing just fine.
I've been just taking life as it comes, you know?
One day at a time, lol.
I don't tend to plan too far ahead.
Mayhap that is why I don't have so much more going for myself at this age.
Hmm.
Maybe I am right where I am supposed to be.
Who am I to say what is right and wrong, and how to do either of those?
Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, you know?
We are more or less blessed or screwed based on where we pop out, and who our parents are, lbvs.
I suppose I've done pretty well for my circumstances.
I have a decent job/career.
I have a place to live, a space to call my own.
I have a dope little bean-headed cat, lol.
I have a handful of good friends.
My life is just as good as it could be, regardless of any shortcomings that have been a part of my past or that may plague me to this day.
I am blessed.
As tough as life is, it could always be worse, you know?
I am grateful to have hit 37 years old, and now that I've -spoiler alert- met someone,
I kinda hope God and the Universe will grant me another 37 years to get to know her, lol.
Should we work out beyond our first string of dates, that is, lol.
I won't get ahead of myself, lol.
I'm not!
Trust me!
Anyway, I hope that this message finds you all well, and that your day, week, month, and even your year have been going just as well.
Remember this:
I'll be there for you.
But only if you all are there for me, too.
See you, see, lol.
Enjoy!
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October 6th, 2013.
Journal #102.
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Florida is so very far away.
That's where her heart is, though.
So, I can't blame her.
I'd live.
It would be tough.
But that's life, huh?
I suppose I'd have no choice but to keep living.
That's the first step in my dream.
Her leaving.
That sucks.
So, she's lost another family member.
I feel for her.
I hope all turns out well.
I hate to see so much pain in her eyes...
So much pain...
Life is too short.
I need to find a way to be happy.
I am only content.
Never more...
-End.
-----
Hmm.
You know?
Sometimes we look back at times and events with more knowledge gained, and a different perspective with which to view them.
In those moments, we can come to some very cathartic, yet hollow realizations...
That's been happening a LOT with this series and all the journal entries I am reading alongside you all.
- Florida was and is quite far from Wisconsin, but to some, the farther away from your partner that you are when you do immoral and unacceptable things, the less shitty you feel when you get back and look them in the eyes.
She had once asked me while we were together if I would mind if she went down to Florida to get a tattoo from a guy that she had once slept with.
That question alone was not only crazy but disrespectful beyond what anyone should take...
I was too stupidly in love and soft to retaliate as I should have.
How anyone else would have.
She had argued that I shouldn't worry because he was married and would NEVER even think about trying anything with her.
So, she was not only disrespectful as shit to me, but she also thought that I was an idiot.
I bring this up because the journal entry that we all just read was about her leaving for a while, and me having a crazy nightmare that she would simply stay gone for a couple of years before returning pregnant.
The thing is, she had once told me she had thought about just leaving for Florida, where some of her old high school friends were, and never coming back until and unless she had a child.
That had inspired the nightmare that I had then come to have.
The crazy part about all of this?
Well, the craziest part!?
I had bought her a plane ticket...
The ticket that she used to leave in this journal entry.
A ticket to Florida to see her friends because she was heartbroken due to having lost a couple of her family members.
Looking back now, and with the knowledge I now have, I am 85% sure that she not only went to see that guy that did her tattoo all those years ago, but slept with him as well.
Honestly, that stings a bit, lol.
Sometimes, time, distance, several remembered conversations, and a couple of old journals can really bring a puzzle together, you know?
Sheesh.
I dodged a bullet by finding the strength and courage to leave her...
It was all a fucking trap.
Like giving pepper to a snail...
It makes it exponentially larger and more aggressive.
You suddenly find yourself in a situation where the monster is far too large, and you simply don't have enough salt.
Don't pepper your snails, Folks.
- I struggled back then with being "happy."
Mostly because I was seeking happiness from someone who couldn't care less if I was actually happy or not.
I found shards of joy in doing things for her.
Buying.
Giving.
Sending.
Lending.
Paying.
She would always say,
"You can't be happy because you make someone else happy; you need to be happy on your own."
She wasn't wrong.
The thing is, she didn't want me, yet she would stick around and let me do for her, while baiting me to stay longer and longer.
She found happiness in me making her happy, but scolded me for wanting to find happiness in making her happy, lol.
What the actual fuck, Folks.
I dodged a bullet, indeed.
I will leave you all at that and see you all back here soon enough for the next one, yeah?
I love and appreciate all of you, and I will let you know how our first date goes!
LMAO.
Wish me luck, yeah?
I could use a homerun.
Safe travels, Folks.
Keep your heads up, and your hearts high.
We will make it through the chaos.
Together.
Till next time, and as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.