After more than two months of hacking through forests and crossing mountains, asking people for directions to the General Shi Manor, Yan Si finally arrived at the imperial capital, but by this time, darkness had already fallen.
No one could possibly imagine how he had actually managed to survive throughout that entire time...
With no money in his pouch and no reserve rations, Yan Si had departed the manor empty-handed, with nothing but a single set of old clothes clinging to his body. To have enough strength to reach the imperial capital, he ate anything he could find, even rummaging through garbage to scavenge for scraps.
When Yan Si entered the imperial capital, people saw how filthy he was and smelled his foul odor, so they hurriedly shunned him; some even drove him away as if he were a demonic wraith or a noxious aura. He walked dejectedly into a small, deserted alleyway, carefully pulling out a bone-dry bun he had picked up the previous afternoon to look at it.
This item should have been discarded by them; Yan Si merely brushed away the layer of dirt and dust clinging to the surface before eating... The taste was, of course, terrible, but he simply had no concept of what tasted good, so the sensation became ordinary.
That night, Yan Si sat curled up, shrinking into himself in the midst of the prosperous imperial capital, his state of mind constantly taut with anxiety and a sliver of anticipation... He did not know whether they would acknowledge him, or if they would coldly shun and drive him away just like everyone else. Deep down, he yearned for a better outcome...
The next morning, harboring a multitude of expectations and wait, he dragged himself up to find the way home.
The moment he caught sight of the four characters: General Shi Manor - inscribed before the gates, Yan Si genuinely felt overjoyed... He did not hesitate in the slightest to step inside, yet he was barred by two guarding soldiers. One growled, "What manner of beggar dares to disturb the General Manor?"
The two soldiers stood tall and imposing, which filled Yan Si with a tinge of fear. He hurriedly stammered in reply, "I... I am Shi Yan Si, the... the son of General Shi. Please... let me into the house!"
Hearing this, the two soldiers' faces turned ash-gray as they said angrily, "Preposterous! Since when does the General have a son named Shi Yan Si? A beggar dares to claim kinship? Clear off at once, otherwise do not blame us for being unceremonious!"
At that moment, Yan Si felt as though a bolt of lightning had just struck his head...
"There is no... Shi Yan Si!? Could I... could I have come to the wrong place?" That was not right! Yichang Hua had consistently told him that his father was precisely General Shi, that Shi Nan Xuan... Thinking of this, Yan Si stammered and asked again, "Officer... Officer, is the General Shi here... is he Shi... Shi Nan Xuan?"
Seeing a beggar brazenly calling out the General's full name, the soldier on the left furiously delivered a kick that sent Yan Si flying back, while shouting loudly, "Audacious! Who do you think the General is that you dare call his name like that!? Clear off, clear off immediately, or I will beat you to death!"
Yan Si rolled on the ground for a long while, a surge of bitterness suddenly welling up in his heart. "So that's it, I didn't come to the wrong place, it's just that..."
They had truly forgotten him... or rather, it was not even forgetting; more accurately, they had erased his name from the clan. Despite not being dead, Yan Si had been declared dead long ago... His entire body suddenly trembled as he clutched his stomach, rolling around in laughter...
He was a person with no father, no mother, no home... even his very name had never existed in this world... Yan Si was like a drifting ghost who remained unseen by anyone there.
Today, upon his return to the Shi family, they officially informed Yan Si that his existence was inherently nothingness. He staggered as he forced himself up, his eyes gray as ash, and asked in a cold voice, "Beat me to death? Can you actually beat me to death?"
Having experienced brushes with death so many times, having to die and return to life countless times, yet that soldier claimed he could beat him to death?
Seeing the insolent beggar dare to challenge them, the two soldiers' faces flushed with rage. They immediately swung their spears, striking down upon his body without holding back...
Yan Si curled his body to endure it... Amidst the despair, he suddenly surged up, gripping the spearhead firmly with both hands... and then, in a moment no one anticipated, he lunged forward, brutally plunging it straight into the center of his own chest...
Right then, the two soldiers were virtually struck dumb, instantly loosening their grip on the spear, momentarily unable to utter a single word.
Finding that even this was not enough, Yan Si exerted himself to pull the spearhead, driving it entirely through his own body as fresh blood poured from the corners of his mouth...
Time abruptly ground to a halt. The world before Yan Si's eyes turned dark, and he faintly caught the sound of people whispering to one another, as well as the rustling of forest trees...
"Back to the forest..." That was right... in his ears, there seemed to be a calling voice from the mountains and forests...
Yan Si knew he would not die, and this method was the fastest way to make them discard his corpse back into the deep forest. "I... am about to return home..."
Home was the boundless earth and sky, the vast expanse of forest trees... while he was nothingness.
Amidst his blurring consciousness, Yan Si suddenly felt a pair of arms catching him. Thinking it was someone familiar, he faintly looked up, offering a faint smile as he asked, "Master... are you saving me again?"
No matter how much the man ignored him, whenever he was on the verge of losing his life, he would still appear after all. How detestable... truly very detestable...
After many days in a deep coma, Yan Si suddenly jolted awake in a panic. His teeth clenched tight by reflex, and the very first thing he felt was a flesh-tearing pain, causing his breathing to come to a halt.
Only after a long while did he gradually regain his senses, realizing only now that the place he was staying in was a completely unfamiliar room, and there was a person sitting right beside the bed...
"Who... are you?" It was not Yichang Hua, yet why did he feel that the man was rather familiar, as if they had met somewhere before... Except when he thought about it carefully, he was already a discarded person, so how could he have any family?
Thinking that he absolutely could not stay here for long... Yan Si bit his teeth and forced himself up, lowering his feet off the bed with the intention of leaving.
Seeing this, the person beside him immediately stopped him, asking, "Where do you want to go? Your injuries are still severe, lie down."
As he spoke, he supported the boy to lie back down on the bed...
This person, from his demeanor to his deep tone of voice, emanated a commanding authority, leaving Yan Si momentarily motionless. He furtively looked at him for a long time; the man indeed looked very familiar, as though he had dreamed of him many times, even if the image had been incredibly hazy.
"What is that...?" He suddenly noticed that the person was holding a jade pendant in his hand, turning it over and over, examining it very closely... At this very moment, Yan Si genuinely wanted to say that it belonged to him, his only token to acknowledge his parents, but...
Was it still necessary, when they had completely erased his name from the clan?
Right then, the man suddenly brought the jade pendant before Yan Si's face and asked, "Where did you pick this up?"
"I..." How should he answer? Claim he stumbled upon it by chance, or admit it was his own? And then... what would happen after that? Yan Si bit his teeth, pondering for a long time before replying in a low voice, "It... it is mine."
"Yours? You..." Hearing this, the man was taken aback... The gaze he directed at Yan Si clearly showed a look of profound disappointment, as if this was not the answer he had been hoping for.
Seeing this, for reasons unknown, Yan Si's heart ached sharply. He immediately retracted his statement, stammering, "No... no... it isn't mine... I picked it up on the road, but... but it is very important, can you... return it to me?"
Readily accepting the answer despite practically knowing who the boy was in his gut, the man looked as though he had just shed a heavy burden of anxiety. He asked in a cold voice, "Since it isn't yours, you still want to claim it?"
Hearing those words, the corners of Yan Si's eyes brimmed with tears, yet he forced them down and shook his head faintly. "No... I don't want it anymore."
On his entire body, only that piece of jade pendant held any value, but keeping it now served no purpose anyway... Suddenly, Yan Si lifted his head to look at the man, offering a weak smile as he asked, "Are you, by chance, General Shi?"
"Correct!" It truly was him, General Shi, Shi Nan Xuan. He looked at Yan Si and asked, "I heard you wanted to find this General? Is there a matter you wish to discuss?"
What matter? What matter could he possibly have? His intention to acknowledge his parents was shattered to pieces in an instant. Judging by the man's reaction just now, he clearly did not hope that he was Yan Si, yet unfortunately, that happened to be the truth.
Although the gaze Shi Nan Xuan directed at Yan Si was not to the extent of utter contempt, it absolutely held no trace of esteem. If he claimed to be his son, what would come of it? It would truly bring the man ultimate shame.
He himself was a martial general, so why did he have such a wretched son?
Yan Si looked back at himself—an emaciated, frail form, appearing here no different from a foul beggar who had even caused such a commotion... Yichang Hua had failed to raise him properly and returned him to the manor; how did he expect Shi Nan Xuan to treat him?
Since he had failed to become a proper human being, he had no right to claim his parents. At the thought of this, Yan Si immediately shook his head. "There is nothing, it was because I made a mistake. I will leave right away."
Having said that, Yan Si wanted to force himself up to leave, but he was stopped by Shi Nan Xuan once more. "No need, you may stay here to recuperate from your injuries. Once you are recovered, you may leave whenever you wish."
After all, it was the manor's private soldiers who had injured this beggar; driving him away immediately wouldn't look right. Ultimately, it was out of a regard for face that he kept him here.
Yan Si understood his intention clearly, merely nodding in response, "That will do, then. My thanks to you."
Shi Nan Xuan shook his head. "No need to be courteous! Rest here with peace of mind."
The things he needed to know and wanted to confirm were all settled; Shi Nan Xuan naturally had no leisure to stay here and care for a beggar... Immediately, he stood up and turned his back, even failing to return the jade pendant to Yan Si...
That object originally belonged to him, surely meant only to be bestowed upon someone worthy. Now, seeing that the boy had amounted to nothing, he reclaimed it. Why did such an obvious matter evoke a surge of resentment within his heart?
Now that he had lost the jade, it was as if his connection to his roots was completely severed for the rest of his life. He had officially lost his identity from this moment onward...
Only now did Yan Si realize that Shi Nan Xuan's promise from that year was nothing more than empty words meant to appease him. Even if he had truly amounted to something, it was not certain that the man would have even looked at him; if anything, it would have only contributed to increasing the burden and alienation.
Thinking of this brought a wave of bitterness to his heart. He truly did not understand what mistake he had committed to have to endure all of this wretchedness.
He resented his parents, and he hated himself for being born without ever having the right to choose. If it were possible, he only wanted to return to the past and, in place of his parents, kill that infant while it was still wailing in its cradle.
Had it been so, his life would not have had to battle with misery for over a dozen long years, and still have to continue enduring without any remaining chance to die and achieve liberation.
His parents were cruel and unfeeling, but Yichang Hua was even more malicious: "Why did you all treat me this way?"
"Can you tell me?" Why did every single one of them turn out like this? Even if he was a worthless, discarded wretch, Yan Si still felt that he had the right to know... If no one would speak, then he himself would go and seek out the answer...
One day, perhaps the entire truth would be exposed to the light after all.