(1)
I stood at the cashier counter of an indie bookstore near my place, waiting for the owner. During the store's first few months, I'd come almost every weekend. At least three-fourths of my books were from here.
Two days ago, I'd come to pick a birthday gift for Chenhui, only to learn they had limited stock and needed to order it. Those two days of waiting were torture. But this morning, the owner finally messaged me – just in time.
Hours later, I'd be at Chenhui's place celebrating with him and his friends, some of whom I didn't even know. His social circle was probably wider than mine. I might not have recognized it before, but this was when I saw I had to be part of his world beyond school. Even if I'm terrible with strangers, maybe this was part of understanding Chenhui.
"Here you go." The owner slid the box across the counter.
There it was: the V for Vendetta Deluxe Collector's Set, with a book and a Guy Fawkes mask. Since it was Chenhui's favorite movie, this was the perfect gift. I couldn't believe I'd gotten it mere hours before the party.
Phew. Close call.
I remembered this set because the mask's eerie stare had startled me on past visits. I'd even wanted to drape a cloth over it. Now, ironically, it was my lifeline.
"Just one thing…" the owner said as I examined the mask.
"What?" I tensed up.
He flipped the box over.
A jagged tear ran from the top-left corner to the bottom-right, exposing the book inside.
I froze, still half-dazed from the earlier relief.
"Do you have another copy?" Stupid question. If he did, he wouldn't be showing me this.
"Sorry. A girl bought the other one earlier. I can refund you if…"
Refund? That was the last thing I needed.
"Can you call her? I'll pay extra. Please."
He shook his head with a wry smile. "I have her number, but it won't help."
"Why?"
"She said it was for her boyfriend's birthday today."
"Bob-cut hair?" I sounded like a desperate detective.
"Yeah." He shrugged.
Kena.
"Fine. I'll take this one." Clearly, the two cleverest people on the planet thought alike.
On the walk home, I clutched the damaged box. It should've been a surprise. Could've been.
Surprise sucked.
At home, I pulled out my phone.
Sorry, can't make it to your party. Caught a cold yesterday. Have fun.
Sent.
Not entirely a lie. I did have a slight cold. But not enough to skip a party.
The longer I stared at the box, the angrier I got. Before I knew it, I'd hurled it at the wall. Then came the tears – sudden, violent, scaring even myself. I didn't know why I was so furious. Was it because Chenhui wouldn't get to react to my gift? Or because someone had beaten me to it?
Anyway, Chenhui never replied that night.
(2)
The next day, he avoided me entirely. Both Lili and Yun seemed to sense the tension; Yun mentioned how fun the party games were, but Lili cut her off before I could hear more details.
After school that day, I slowly packed my bag while watching Chenhui. Somehow I got the feeling he was deliberately stalling too – like he was trying to prolong leaving school just as much as I was. So I set my bag aside and waited quietly until the classroom emptied, leaving just the two of us.
"Hey. Sorry I missed the party. Did you have fun?" I forced cheerfulness into my voice. It sounded unnatural.
"How's your cold? Feeling better?" He kept his eyes down, pretending to be absorbed in packing his bag, which was a little funny. Forty minutes since the bell rang. How much did he still have left to pack?
"Better." The lie twisted my gut. To sell it, I fake-sniffled, then realized my nose was completely clear.
"Anything else to say?" He paused his packing but kept his eyes down.
"No. Just… sorry." I couldn't meet his gaze either.
He sighed, finally lifting his head. Silence.
Damn it. He's too perceptive.
"Look…"
"At what?" His voice sharpened.
Where to even start? The pre-order, the ruined surprise, Kena's identical gift… I'm the one who should be upset. But the words tangled in my throat.
"At what?" he pressed.
"At what? Fine! Let's see. Why didn't I go to your party? Because all I wanted to do was surprise you! But I fucked it up! I thought I had the perfect gift, but your girlfriend got the same one, and mine's damaged! Is this what you wanted to hear? The whole pathetic story laid bare. Are you happy now?" My voice cracked. I never yelled. Especially not at him.
Chenhui blinked. Guess that counted as a surprise.
"So… leave me alone," I muttered, unsure if he heard.
Ten minutes of silence.
Argue with me!
I screamed internally. But he just sat there, head bowed. Too kind to fight back.
When he finally looked up, he looked a bit sad.
"Yang. You. You're the surprise."
What?
"I'm sorry. Terribly, terribly sorry." The apology spilled out before I could decide if it was for missing the party or my outburst.
"Bring my gift tomorrow." He stood to leave but paused at the door. "That 'leave me alone' part… Take it back?" OK, he did hear it.
Could I?
I wanted to say "yes" but my throat tightened, so I just nodded slightly.
He left without another word. Only then did I realize I'd never even wished him happy birthday.
(3)
The next morning, I was so lost in thought (How do I apologize while handing him a torn gift?) that I nearly got hit by a motorcycle.
"Out of your mind?!" the driver yelled.
Was I?
Yes. That was exactly what I should tell Chenhui, "I was out of my mind yesterday."
When I entered the classroom, Chenhui spotted the box in my hands and grinned. "My gift!"
He unwrapped it meticulously, biting his lip.
"Whoa – a graphic novel? I thought it was just the screenplay!" His delight seemed genuine. Or was he just humoring me? Either way, I wanted to memorize his expression.
"Look, Kena got you the same thing. You don't have to pretend…"
"Nah, I got tons of unopened gifts." He flipped the pages, completely absorbed.
"Happy birthday, Chenhui." Though it was a little bit too late.
He glanced up, smiling. "Thanks."
I had to fight back my tears by secretly taking an extremely long breath. And thank God it worked.
"Thank you, Chenhui." At that moment, I even felt happier than I had a couple of weeks before when I was celebrating my own birthday.
"For what?" he asked, looking curious.
For making it so easy.
(4)
"OK. That's it. That's why I didn't go to Chenhui's birthday party. Can I eat my lunch now?" Then I split the disposable chopsticks in my hand, which I'd been holding for like 15 minutes, and began to pick up some stir-fried beef and put it onto my rice, "I'm about to eat, so stop talking to me."
The last period in the morning was Chinese self-study class. The only task for us was to translate two ancient proses into modern Mandarin, which was quite easy. So Lili, Yun, and I just went to the cafeteria earlier after we'd done the task, while Chenhui went out to play soccer with his team. That way, Lili and Yun finally got a chance to ask me about my absence from the party. I, as a result, spent 15 minutes telling them what had happened while starving as hell.
But I had to say it was kind of my fault. I never knew how to make a long story short. I thought it was my responsibility to let them know every detail, so I started my story from the day Chenhui gave me the Magic 8-Ball. But Lili rolled her eyes and interrupted me, "Why didn't you start the story from Genesis? We both know what happened that day. Can you just cut to the chase?" So I had to reconstruct my story from the day I decided to buy the gift for Chenhui's birthday. However, I didn't tell them that Chenhui said I was the surprise. That part of the story only belonged to me.
"That was soooooo sweeeeeet." Yun split her chopsticks, picked up a piece of meat from my rice, and sent it into her mouth. "I mean, your gift must mean a lot to him, no matter what it is. So next time you don't have to bother yourself too much about what to give him. Just give him your loooooove."
"You're disgusting, Yun," said Lili.
I nodded. But for once, Yun's words actually made sense to me.
"Come on, Lili. Were you listening to the story? These two boys love each other so much," Yun said, looking up at Lili and resting the chopsticks on the edge of a plate placed in the center of the table.
"How did you know that? Based on the story he just told?" Lili swallowed the food quickly and put down her chopsticks too. "Yun, if you didn't show up in my birthday party, I'd beat the shit out of you."
"And put a spider in her lunchbox," I leant towards Lili and murmured.
"What are you trying to say?" Yun seemed confused, looking at Lili, a little frown creasing her forehead.
"I mean," Lili turned her face to look at me, "Do you really like Chenhui? In the way a boy likes a girl?"
Wasn't Chenhui the only one who hadn't known that I liked him?
"Lili, it was you who were trying to persuade me to tell him I liked him," I said, quite shocked by this question.
"I know. I and Yun, I mean. Now I do feel relieved that you haven't told him that. Because I'm afraid maybe you two just see each other as very special and close friends. Maybe it doesn't have to involve love or romance."
"Why do you think so?" I had to say I never thought it through in this way. Yun cupped her chin with a hand, elbow on the table, listening to Lili.
"I believe we all have this type of friends, who we want to treat differently, meanwhile we also want them to treat us differently. That's just how we differentiate close friends from other friends and acquaintances," Lili waited a beat, resting a hand on my knee. "If you invited me and a friend you'd just known for, um, let's say, a week, to a movie, how would you feel if this new friend didn't show up without having told you?"
"Mad, I guess? And kick him out of my circle. Or her? Which gender are you referring to?"
"It's not important. How about it was me who stood you up?"
"Mad. And sad."
"See? That's what I mean. You treat us differently." Lili withdrew her hand from my knee to pick up her chopsticks. "It's still too early for you to decide whether you like boys or girls."
That was true. Maybe I needed to think it through.
"Too early? We're already eighteen, Lili!" Yun finally said, seeming almost convinced by Lili. "I think it's quite simple to know whether or not you just treat him as a friend."
"How?" I looked at her.
"Do you wanna kiss him? You don't usually wanna kiss a friend, do you?"
"Alright. I do wanna kiss him. It is a good idea," I said with a resigned sigh. I didn't know why I'd even expected Yun to be helpful.
"What is a good idea?" A voice came from behind. Lili and I turned around spontaneously. But I'd known who it was. It was Chenhui, still in his sports shirt, holding a tray with a bowl, two plates, and two tins of Diet Coke on it, walking towards us.
"Nothing." I might've blushed, so I turned back quickly, hoping he didn't hear anything except "it is a good idea."
"I'm gonna sit with my team. Is that OK, Yang?" Chenhui stopped next to me and asked.
"Yeah. Why not?" I picked up a piece of meat and sent it into my mouth, without looking up at him.
"OK." Then he left a Coke beside my bowl and went away towards a table four lines away from ours, where there were four boys sitting, one of whom was waving to Chenhui.
Lili lowered her head, leaning towards Yun, who sat across from us, and asked under her breath, "How come you didn't see him coming?"
"I was looking at you guys!" Yun became red in the face and said with a shrug. "Anyway, I have another way to see if you really like him!" Yun turned to look at me.
Before I could tell her "give me a break," Yun stood up abruptly and ran to the exit, then disappeared.
"Should we… should we wait for her here?" Lili asked me, both of us still looking at the exit, as though Yun might reappear the next second.
No more than twenty minutes later, before we finished our lunch, Yun came back with a plastic bag in her hand.
"What is it?" I asked her after she'd sat down. She must've run back, for I saw sweat on her forehead.
"Here…" She panted and gave the bag to me.
I took out the stuff inside. Three DVDs. She must've rented them from the store we sometimes went to after class, which was quite close to the gate of our school.
Brokeback Mountain, Lan Yu, and The Love of Siam. Three gay movies.
"Seriously?" I put them back into the bag hastily, in case passersby might see them.
"Go watch them at home. And see if you like them," Yun said, beginning to eat her lunch again. "You can tell me which you like the best next week, the American one, the Chinese one, or the Thai one."
"It's, um, very thoughtful of you," I said, looking at Lili and cracking a smile to her.
"Hope they will help you come out," Yun whispered. "You're welcome."
After lunch, I had to creep into the classroom building with the bag in my hands behind my back. Then I thought holding it on my front would be safer. Then I tugged it under my arm. To my relief, there was no one in the classroom. I hoped Chenhui wouldn't spring up again, the only time that I didn't wanna see him. Then I heard some people talking and approaching the classroom, so I had to zip the bag shut quickly. Why did I have to behave as though I'd stolen something?
What I hadn't known then was these DVDs did "help" me come out, but in a way that I hadn't expected.