(1)
"What are they?"
Mr. Tu, our math teacher, stood beside me, one hand holding Brokeback Mountain and Lan Yu, the other clasped behind his back. The Love of Siam was still in my bag, though that probably wouldn't make much difference. Some classmates nearby even stood up secretly, gasping when they saw what he was holding.
Although these weren't exactly inappropriate movies for teenagers, the covers alone were enough to reveal their themes – and, of course, reveal my theme as well. This afternoon, after bringing these DVDs into the classroom and stuffing them into my bag, I had been relieved that no one had seen them. And yet, as I had feared, the worst possible thing had ended up happening. Despite usually being careful, I accidentally pulled out both DVD cases while trying to retrieve my calculator during math class. They landed on the classroom floor with a crisp, unmistakable sound, breaking the silence as everyone was focused on their exercises.
"Mr. Tu." Yun abruptly raised her hand. "They… they're mine."
Some people, including me, turned to look at her. She seemed a little guilty, and there was even a rare hint of fear on her face. I shook my head slightly, signaling that she didn't have to do this. After all, the DVDs had fallen out of my bag. Seeing my reaction, she frowned. She must have misunderstood it as blame, but that was not what I meant at all.
Alright. Shit happened. What could I do?
"Don't bring this kind of thing to school." Then he slammed the discs onto my desk and walked away.
Why the hell would he think I had brought them here on purpose? Did we even have a DVD player in school? Whatever. I just nodded silently. There was no point in hiding them anymore – everyone had already seen what they were. So, I just shoved them into my storage compartment.
Blood must have rushed to my face. I had to look outside. It was cloudy, the trees swaying in the wind. It was probably going to rain.
Sometimes, in my dreams, I would arrive at school only to realize I had forgotten to put on pants. I would wake up from the extreme embarrassment, relieved that it was just a dream. But the incident that day made me feel like I would have preferred to actually forget my pants.
I had never been brave enough to confirm or even seriously consider whether I truly liked boys, but that day, I was forced to face it. For the rest of the class, no matter what I was doing – writing down notes from the blackboard or answering questions – I could almost hear the discs inside my storage compartment mocking me: You're so screwed.
"I know. Shut the fuck up," I muttered under my breath.
After class, even without turning around, I could feel some classmates still looking at me. Some sat far away, so I wasn't sure if they were talking about me.
And at this moment, what was Chenhui thinking?
"Hey, Yang."
I turned. It was Wenfei, someone I had never spoken to before. He was the kind of guy who annoyed people – teasing girls, snoring in class, smoking in the bathroom. This was the first time I had ever heard my name come out of his mouth.
Then, with a leer, he blew me a flirty air kiss. Some people around him started chuckling.
That was funny.
For a moment, I even wished he had gone further, done something even more exaggerated and over-the-top. At least then, I would have had a legitimate reason to hit him. I knew that, with his bulky build, I might not be able to win in a fight. But right now, I just wanted an outlet – any outlet – for my emotions.
"What are you laughing at? What's so funny?" Yun strode over, hopping onto a desk in front of Wenfei, one foot propped on his desk. "Tell me. Let's laugh together."
Those who had been chuckling quickly grabbed their bags and left the classroom.
"I was seducing him," Wenfei said, flashing that same weird smile. "Maybe we could watch a movie together tonight."
He turned to me as he said this.
Yun pulled a compact mirror from her pocket, flipped it open, and angled it toward him. "Have you ever looked at yourself? Disgusting."
I turned away, stuffing my things into my bag, getting ready to leave. There was no point in arguing with Wenfei. Besides, I didn't even know what I could argue about.
All I wanted right now was to get out of this classroom. I hoped that when I returned the next day, everything would be as if nothing had happened.
Before I stood up, Lili grabbed my arm. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just a bit tired." I forced a smile. I really felt drained.
"Go get some rest. You sound like you might be coming down with something." She smiled sympathetically and let go of me.
As I walked past Chenhui, I didn't look at him. He didn't say anything either.
(2)
Outside, it had been drizzling. I shuffled forward, not really sure where I was heading. I had already missed the corner where I should have turned right. Looking up at the sky, I found it empty – no birds, no sunlight piercing the clouds. Just a vast expanse of grayish white. More and more people on the street started opening their umbrellas as the rain grew heavier. I remembered there was an umbrella in my bag, but I was too exhausted to check.
To my left was a bar I had never been to. It was closed, though, the chain lock secured on the door. What caught my eye was a poster hanging beside it. Kung Fu Panda. Po, the giant panda, balanced on one foot atop a rock, striking a martial pose that foreigners probably thought any Chinese person could do effortlessly. Well, I couldn't. But I liked the poster, partly because it reminded me of the time I watched the movie with Chenhui. He must have been home by now, I guessed. I should have been too. But my legs felt weak, so I sat down beneath the poster.
Pulling my phone from my bag's side pocket, I wanted to text my mom to let her know I was on my way home. But the screen was black. It was dead. Whatever. Not like I knew how to face my mom anyway, afraid she'd notice something was wrong with me.
Sitting on the steps, I gradually closed my eyes, feeling drowsy. I suddenly kind of hated myself. Maybe my life had been too smooth since childhood, making me instinctively want to run away when faced with difficulties. Legally, I was already an adult. Yet, I didn't even have the courage to face my own feelings. So, was my secret being revealed this way a punishment for me?
Then, I thought I heard someone calling my name. At first, I assumed it was just my imagination. But the voice grew louder, again and again.
I opened my eyes, looking in the direction of the voice and saw a figure in school uniform approaching. Maybe it was the rain blurring my vision; I couldn't see clearly. But I hoped it was him.
I tried to call out to him, but for some reason, I couldn't seem to muster any strength. My voice was too weak to be heard over the traffic and store music, so I picked up a small stone beside me and tossed it toward him. It must have hit him or at least caught his attention because he stopped for a second before running toward me.
Before I could say anything, he reached the steps and pulled me into his arms. So tightly that I almost couldn't breathe.
It was him. Thank God.
Because of the rain, I couldn't tell if there were tears on his face. He hadn't used an umbrella on his way here, and his hair was drenched, strands sticking together – some clumped, some plastered against his scalp. Though his clothes were damp, I could still feel his body heat. And the pounding heartbeat – I wasn't sure if it was his or mine.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do," he sobbed.
"You don't have to say that," I whispered, "there was nothing you could do." I wanted to joke and ask if he had also considered standing up like Yun and claiming those two DVDs as his. But my lips felt stuck together, refusing to part.
Then, using the last of my strength, I hugged him back. Not as tightly as he did, but I tried my best. The hug was warm despite the rain soaking us. In fact, it was probably the warmest hug I had ever experienced. I never thought a warm embrace could mean so much to me, especially in the middle of summer. If possible, I wished we could stay like this forever, never letting go.
Before I lost consciousness, the last thing I heard was, "I won't let it happen again."
Wait, was he saying he wouldn't let this kind of hug happen again? No, please don't. Though I didn't want to admit it, this was something I had always longed to do. But if there was ever a next time, let it not be in such a miserable state.
Please.