(1)
"How come you're here?"
When I open the door, just ready to head to the place we agreed to meet, I am surprised to see Chao standing right in front of me, his hand still in mid-air, as if he was about to knock.
Just ten minutes earlier, I was still staring into the mirror in a daze. Lee told me that he and Chao had arranged to meet at a café downstairs from our company. Yet, as I am all set to leave, I still have no idea what to say or what tone to use when speaking with him. After all, before I knew the truth, I always treated him like a friend. But today, his role suddenly changes.
The thought makes me laugh at myself. Today, his role changes? Chao never considered me a friend to begin with.
I glance at the time on my phone, thinking it is about time to head out. It is a place I know all too well, yet today, my mood feels heavier than going to work. And who could have predicted that Chao, already standing at my door, would force me to confront something I really don't want to face a little earlier than expected.
Chao seems to put on a more relaxed demeanor and says, "I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this in a place not far from the company. What if a passing colleague sees us?"
He's not wrong. I don't want extra drama either. But if that's the only issue, we could've just picked a different café. The fact that he went through the trouble of coming all this way to my place means one thing – there are certain things he needs to say privately.
I pause for a second, quickly scanning him up and down. He isn't carrying a bag, and I figure he probably isn't hiding any dangerous tools on him, so I let him in. I am thinking that with Chao's frail build, even if it comes to a fight, I probably wouldn't be at a disadvantage. Somehow, this reminds me of the fight between Chenhui and Wenfei back in high school. But now we're all much older; it's better to talk things through calmly.
I pull out a chair from under the dining table and gesture for Chao to sit.
"Have you had breakfast?" I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge. Thinking that a heated "discussion" might be energy-consuming, I decide to grab a little something first.
"You already know everything, don't you? So there's no need to be so polite with me," Chao says towards the kitchen.
With one hand holding a pack of toast and half-finished jar of strawberry jam, I quickly send a message to Lee with the other, and then walk out of the kitchen, saying, "It's fine. Have some. I didn't poison it."
Chao purses his lips, takes out a piece of toast from the bag, and starts chewing on it without any jam.
"You came all the way here today. What do you want to say? I haven't figured out how to talk to you yet anyway," I take out a piece of toast for myself, spreading jam on it as I speak. I didn't realize it until now, but I'm actually a bit hungry.
Chao quickly stuffs the last bite into his mouth, brushes his hands off, and then takes out the watch from his coat pocket – the one he didn't manage to give away that day – and places it in front of me, saying, "He didn't accept it."
"I know."
"Did Lee even tell you about this?" Chao lets out a helpless smile, "He really does like you a lot, doesn't he?"
"How he feels about me, I can sense for myself." I am gradually getting a bit impatient. The watch has nothing to do with me in the first place, and there is no need to start the conversation from there, "You didn't come here today just to express envy, did you? What was the point of taking those photos?"
Chao's smile fades, and he unconsciously places a hand on the watch, "I'm not sure what my exact purpose was. Maybe I just didn't want you to be with him. So I was sending you some kind of… warning."
Before the word "warning" leaves his mouth, Chao clearly hesitates. I guess he originally wanted to say "threat" or something similar, but he probably doesn't want to come across as so bad after all.
"So what exactly are you warning me about? There's nothing scandalous in those photos of me and Lee," This is precisely what I have been curious about.
"At least those photos would make people speculate about your sexual orientation. I thought you might distance yourself from Lee to avoid exposure."
Hearing this, I sigh in exasperation. Which version of me is Chao talking about? When have I ever shown that I care about other people's speculations? Please don't tell me that this guy also has something to do with my high school life.
"How did you get that impression?" I ask him.
"I've always thought that you rarely talk about your romantic affairs. So I assumed you were trying to maintain a straight guy image," Chao replies, "But the day when you admitted that Lee was your ex-boyfriend, I realized I was probably wrong."
"I just think there's no need to talk about these things sometimes."
Chao nods and says, "You're right. I was wrong about doing all this. I apologize. In my affection for Lee, I sometimes really do lose my mind."
"Is he that important to you?" I can't help but ask this question. Timewise, he and Lee had only met and interacted from the beginning of college until right before Lee met me (if Lee told me the truth), which wasn't a very long period. It shouldn't have been enough to make him so entangled for so many years.
"Yes. And I find that strange myself," Chao stares blankly at the kitchen door, seemingly lost in his own memories, "We weren't together for long. And most of the time, we met in bars. Yet oddly enough, I just can't let go of him."
As he says this, I suddenly feel a sense of déjà vu. Do I really need to ask why he has been so entangled with someone for so many years?
Chao continues, "But I guess fate just loves a joke. Since it let me meet someone who felt right, but for him, the right person wasn't me. What an ironic punchline." Then, abruptly, he looked at me and asked, "Do you like him as much as I do?"
It is a question, but I also seem to detect a hint of pride in it.
"I like him. But I think there's no way to compare the extent. After all, I'm not you."
My rationality tells me that Chao's affection for Lee has reached a pathological level. But emotionally, it seems I'm ashamed to answer this question directly, perhaps because I feel I can't measure up to his intensity.
Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed by a sense of guilt towards Lee, who has always been very kind and caring towards me, both during college and after we met again last year. I am not quite sure what his temperament is like with other people, but no matter what, he is always very patient with me.
And what about me then? Obsessing over someone I've never had, even after ten years apart. Yet everything around me seems to remind me, intentionally or unintentionally, that this person has never really left. If Chenhui and Lee were standing in front of me right now, would I really choose Lee without hesitation?
I seriously doubt it.
Chao lets out a bitter smile, "Of course, you're not me. And yet, how many times have I wished I could be you?"
I really don't know how to respond. What good would be me do? To experience the unworthiness I feel towards Lee in my heart?
At that moment, there is a sudden knock on the door.
(2)
"What're you doing here?" Lee doesn't even have time to greet me after entering the door. He just rushes towards Chao, who is still sitting beside the dining table. There are even some beads of sweat on his forehead.
Chao folds his arms across his chest and deliberately says in a slightly teasing tone, "Can't I be here? Yang and I are colleagues, after all. And we get along really well at the company."
"Didn't we agree to meet at the café? Why can't you talk about it outside? Why do you have to come to Yang's place?" Lee is a bit angry, and his voice goes up a notch.
Chao seems a little taken aback by this sudden attitude. He looks at Lee, his mouth slightly open, but he doesn't even get to say the first word before he stops. For a moment, both the usually talkative Chao and the always smiling Lee feel a bit unfamiliar to me.
"I never thought there'd come a day when you'd talk to me like this," Chao still looks at Lee, with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Did you ever think this day would come? Or did you guess from the very first day we met at the bar that it'd end up like this?"
Chao's eyes start to get a little teary. Lee sighs and sits down too.
"I never expected you to do those things either. Why did you send those photos to Yang?" Lee flashes a look at me, who is still standing by the door, and continues to Chao, "You do know…"
"I do know you like him! I do know he's important to you!" Chao raises his voice and cuts Lee off. "I know all that. I'm not stupid. But have you ever thought about me? How am I supposed to wrap things up? You can just say it was all just a game with me and forget everything you said, but I can't forget! I'm not like those people in Korean dramas who get in a car accident and wake up forgetting everything. Wouldn't that be nice? You think I don't wish for that?"
Lee looks at Chao helplessly and doesn't say anything.
"You can say you've finally met the right person, that you finally want to start a proper relationship and treat the one you like well. Well, congratulations to you then. But who's thinking of me? Who's going to compensate me for the time and feelings I've wasted?" A tear finally rolls down Chao's eye. "And now I've even become a threat to the person you like. Seeing you rush over here all out of breath, what're you worried about? Worried I'll kill him? If I really wanted to do something to him, wouldn't it be more effective to poison his coffee at the office?"
"I admit I made mistakes back then," Lee finally speaks up. "And you know I was like that with… a lot of people. So after I got together with Yang, I apologized to you many times for that. And for what's happened recently, I've talked to you a lot and kept apologizing too, but you still…" Lee casts a glance at me again before continuing, "I know you and Yang are colleagues, so I… I've always wanted to handle this privately, because I didn't want it to affect your professional relationship at the office."
Chao shakes his head and says, "So it just turned out your apologies are still for Yang's sake, aren't they? Not wanting to affect our professional relationship? If this really got settled privately, the only one who'd be unaffected at work would be Yang, right? I think I've already been more than fair to him. Do you have any idea what it's like for me to be in the same office with him every day?"
Once again, Lee is left speechless by Chao.
"Chao," I break the short silence, walking over to sit across from him, "I know what it's like to have someone on your mind all the time…"
"You don't know shit!" Chao interrupts me loudly, "If you want Lee, you can just have him, you…"
"It's him who owes you, not me!" I raise my voice louder, shutting Chao down, which is exactly the reason why I needed breakfast. "So don't talk to me like that and let me finish. OK?" I take a quick look at Lee, who is also looking at me. He should be able to guess who I'm talking about. Who else could it be then?
I turn back to Chao, "Lee also knows some things that happened to me in the past. So when I say I know what it's like to have someone on your mind all the time, I'm not lying to you. Of course, I also know logically that there are just a lot of things in this world you can't get, and that's just how it is. But I have to admit, I can't lie to myself: there are some things I just can't let go of easily. Especially when I'm still living in the same city where that person and I used to live together. Even though it's been 10 years and the city has changed a lot, I can still feel that person's presence everywhere. I wish, like you said, I could just wake up one day and forget everything. But is that really possible? And is it really necessary?"
Chao keeps his head down, and I don't know if he's even listening to me.
"Sometimes I'm actually glad I still remember that person and everything that happened between us. Because at least those memories did make me happy for a while. Now, even if things didn't go as I wished, what can I do? Should I go and get revenge on that person? How would I even do that? He probably has a girlfriend now, or a wife, whatever, I'm not sure. Should I also go to him like you did, and let everyone around him know about what happened between us? Would that really make me a lot happier?"
Even though I'm saying all this because of what Chao has done, somehow these words seem to have been in my heart for a long time, "Just ask yourself, even if you took photos of Lee and me in bed and sent them to me, even if you poisoned my coffee, even if you had a dagger today and stabbed me in the stomach, what would you really get in the end? Would you be happier after doing all these things?"
I sigh. Is this really what adulthood has to be?
"I'm not here today to defend Lee. I know he's wronged you. And him stressing over this mess lately? Serves him right. And also, I'm not saying all this to improve or worsen your relationship. That's your business – I couldn't care less. I just want you to know that when it comes to handling this kind of… ache, I've already failed myself, and I couldn't help it. But I hope you can do better – for your own sake. I'm not asking you to let Lee go or let me go, but at least you should let yourself go."
Who knows what's going through their minds. After I finish speaking, silence falls again. I've never even noticed before how loudly the clock on the living room wall ticks – tick tock, tick tock – echoing through the room.
"I've already quit my job," Chao suddenly says, staring at the table, so it's unclear who he's even speaking to. "You don't have to worry about your coffee anymore." He looks at me with sorrow, the tears in his eyes already dry.
Then he stands up, buttons his coat, and says, "Anyway… thanks for the breakfast."
With that, he walks toward the door.
But the moment he opens it, I freeze. Mom stands right outside. Chao walks right by her, not even caring who she might be.
(3)
For a second, I'm so shocked that my stomach cramps up. I flick my gaze to Lee, who looks just as panicked as me. I have no idea how long Mom's been standing at the door, and I don't really count on the door being that soundproof.
Mom walks in, closes the door, and puts the bag she's carrying on the table. I think I catch a whiff of braised beef, and then it hits me – this is what I asked her to make a few days ago when I called.
Without saying a word, Mom sits down in the spot where Chao was sitting earlier. It feels like Lee and I are about to take turns negotiating with different clients today or something.
"I should've seen it coming," Mom says, looking at Lee, then at me, before giving a kind of soft smile. "The person you couldn't forget for ten years – I bet it was Chenhui, right?"
Okay, she definitely heard my speech.
I can only nod quietly.
She lets out a breath and leans back in her chair, speaking softly, "At that time, I just thought he really liked you. It seemed kind of strange. But it never crossed my mind that you might feel the same."
That hits me just as hard as seeing her standing at the door just now.
"He liked me? Why do you say that?"
Mom replies, "At the time, I'd just thought he was a really close friend. But remember when you had that high fever? At that night, he went back home quite late. And once when I passed by your room, I saw him leaning over your bed, gently brushing your forehead. I remember thinking, Since when are boys this affectionate with each other?"
After saying that, Mom lets out a dry laugh.
I sneak a peek at Lee, who's staring blankly at Mom.
He really liked me.
Did he?
Maybe.
I think that's what he said.