march 3: "if I were to dig my own grave, would anyone even care? well probably not. I am just a nobody. A nobody. Stop it brain, stop trying to protect me from the truth." I'm addicted. I can no longer feel as if I am myself if I do not believe those things. I want to believe them, but they are just wishes, not the truth. The truth is that I am plain, normal, a no one.
I am a no one, that is why my life is not miserable enough to run from it. "I am so unlucky." I know that someone normal would not consider it, but I also know that luck is just what one believes in, so you can not judge me.
march 4: There is no reason for anyone to care, I do nothing, I help with nothing, I do not exist, so why does no one hate me? I do not help them, I do not play along with them, I do nothing, so why? why does nothing bad ever happen to me? Why has the world forgotten my existence?
march 7: I am so lazy that I forgot to ever write the other two days down in here, or they shined too much. I hate the light. The best is from the lamp behind the monitor. It has the best lightning compared to the room light.
Why am I so stupid? Why do I get bad grades and not the worst? I want to retake the class, I want to get shouted by them. I want mom to be mad at me, I want to be punished, so why? why am I still so, so healthy?
Even if I wish for all this, why can I not show it to anyone? why can I not speak about it? Is it because I do not want the feeling to end, or because if I did, I would seem like an attention freak?
march 8: Found a few songs that help me maintain this mood. I listen to them on the way home. When I can not see someone I know, I kind of let this feeling show, though I probably look like I am just emo, not that I truly know if I am one or not.
march 10: When I am sick and in a dark place with that kind of music, I can boost that feeling, but I can not really control my body and desires as much as before.
march 11: I wrote almost a full page of my drawing book with those notes. They are getting embarrassing, I will rip this page when I fill it.
march 16: Got lazy again. I am a nuisance to everyone, I wish that the sky would just fall on me, that day when my shoulders will feel like boulders and
"I can not believe I wrote this. So pathetic" He took the page, ripped it until no words could be read and threw it away, moving on.