Basel, June 1941.
A month has passed since Suzanne's revelation about her doubts, which turned out to be true. I still can't believe that the man I live with, and whom I plan to marry, killed people in cold blood, but especially Jews. I have been quite distant with him, but he didn't seem to worry about it.
Which proves to me once again the mistake I am making, remembering that I accepted his proposal. But I can't bring myself to leave; without him I wouldn't be here. I would surely still be back there.
I fell in love with him like an idiot. He was my savior and, considering he is the last person I knew before all this change. And besides, he is the first.
I no longer know what I should think or do, my mind is completely shaken. I am as afraid of him as I am eager to have him by my side. And Suzanne advised me not to tell him about what I discovered to avoid the worst. But how? How could I hide from him the fact that I know everything, that I know what he has hidden from me since the beginning of our escape?
I just don't understand why he did that, there was no real reason, there isn't one at all. So I would like to understand, to hear his version of the facts, for him to explain why he did that. But if he discovers that I know about his past, how will he react?
Despite all this anxiety toward Heinrich, I still go to get newspapers to obtain news that might perhaps allow me to see something that would prove to me that my family is still alive. The more time passes, the more I begin to lose hope, I do not want to think about the worst, but with every new newspaper headline, I lose faith that they are still alive with everything Hitler is doing.
And besides, it is not by staying here waiting for newspapers that I will have a chance to find them. For several days now I have been thinking about leaving on my own and trying to find them. But I do not see how I could leave, and especially without risking going back there, where I managed to escape from. Because I am absolutely certain that this time, no one will come to help me. Heinrich will forget me and move on.
And I do not like that idea, I fear his intentions but I still cannot stop thinking about him. The idea of finding myself alone, without him, frightens me so much that I prefer to forget the idea of leaving.
The door opens and Heinrich appears, sweating from his day.
-Hi Ruth, did you have a good day?
-Uhm yes, and you?
-Exhausting, but yes. He says, collapsing into the armchair.
These questions are running through my head far too much, I am going to end up going crazy from thinking about them. I have to ask him, too bad if it's over, I'll go take refuge with Suzanne.
-Heinrich?
He turns toward me and looks at me with his large brown eyes.
His gaze is hypnotizing.
I hesitate.
I love him.
-Ruth?I wanted to ask you... Uhm... What really happened with the shopkeeper and the soldier?
-I already told you.
-You're lying to me.
His gaze became less intense, now it is more concern.
-Tell me the truth about what happened?
-Why do you need to know?
-Because I need to know who the real person is that I sleep beside every night?
He looks at me, and this time does not look away. It seems as though he perceives everything I feel with a single glance at me.
-Things happened that allowed us to stay here safely.
-Heinrich, please, tell me!
He stands up and positions himself in front of me while I am still sitting. He lifts my face with his right hand, his face comes closer, I feel his breath on my skin, I cannot take my eyes off him, and he, he is looking at my lips as if he would die if he did not kiss me.
Then he places his lips on mine, he is like a magnet, I cannot pull myself away from him, I want far too much to continue. His hand slips behind my neck and pulls me even closer to him.
I have completely lost.
But I need to know, I have to. I gently push him away.
-Heinrich, I am serious, tell me.
He sighs and moves away from me to sit down again, he still does not answer me. It is really starting to annoy me.
-Heinrich!
-Yes, I know... Suzanne told you something, didn't she?
-Even if that were the case, it wouldn't change the question, so answer me.
-Answer me first, did she tell you something?
-Yes, she told me something, she worries about me and she has every right to do so. Who says you are not a horrible person?
-Is that really what you think? That I am a horrible person.
-That is not what I think, but you hide so many things from me, you never told me anything about your past and you didn't tell me anything about the spy either, if I hadn't discovered it, and you tell me nothing about the strange disappearance of the other two, so yes, I ask myself questions.
-But I'm afraid of your reaction Ruth, what tells me that you won't run away from me?
-Because I have nowhere to go!
-That changes nothing, you will ignore me, you will avoid me.
I look at him, his eyes are worried, I do not know whether it is my reaction he fears or what he has done. But he has to tell me.
-Heinrich, I can't guarantee you anything, but I no longer want you to hide the slightest thing from me even if it is horrible.
He looks at me, bites his lips and rubs his face hard.
-Promise me you will listen to me before reacting and going to see Suzanne?
I think about it, I feel the anxiety rising within me.
-I promise.
-What happened in your room was very tense, we fought with weapons, they wounded me but I did not stop fighting back to avoid more cuts.
My stress is at a very high level, even too high, I am so afraid, I can imagine what happened but I dread his words.
-I did not want to hurt the grocer any further but I did not do it on purpose, he died because of me. I... I did not have time to think about what I had just done before the other one attacked me and after a few minutes, I inflicted the same thing on him.
My breathing stops.
-I promise you Ruth, I didn't mean to.
I am lost.
-I promise you that I am not a murderer, I had no choice.