Harry snorted. "Yeah, I remember Miss August…but it's a trick question. She had her back to the camera…couldn't tell if her eyes were blue, brown or green. Although I can say that her elbows were blue."
"Elbows, huh?" Hermione asked. She scooted her bum around so that she was facing Harry, then opened the calendar cover….and quickly closed it shut.
"Harry?"
"Yes?"
"What do you remember seeing in that first month?"
"A blue-skinned naked woman with her back turned, dancing and shaking her bum," Harry replied. "Did you see something different?"
"Yeah, you could say that."
"What did you see, then?"
"It was more like a group of pale-skinned naked men and women, wishing you a happy birthday."
"What?" Harry asked, as he grabbed the calendar back.
The new image above the month of August was a group photograph of most of the Order, standing naked shoulder to naked shoulder, behind a waist-high banner that read "Happy Birthday Harry!"
The banner wasn't wide enough to cover their naked chests.
Or naked breasts.
Or a specific pair of breasts that belonged to one of his Hogwarts professors.
"HOLY SHITE!"
"Ssshush!" Hermione hissed. "You're testing the strength of our silencing charms!"
"But…but that's…naked...McGonagall!"
"They're just breasts," Hermione decided. "Probably not even hers, what with the availability of polyjuice potion…"
"Doesn't matter if it's somebody else dressed up in her polyjuiced breasts," Harry countered. "They're still McGonagall's breasts!"
"Honestly, Harry," Hermione said with a smile. "What if the Professor decided to vacation at a nearby resort, and decided to go topless. Would you have the same reaction if you saw her on the beach?"
"YES!" Harry declared.
Hermione shook her head dismissively. "Actually, she'd have no reason not to show those off…not a bit of sag…I could only hope to be that fit at her age. Really, Harry, I don't know what your problem is."
"My problem is…do you think you'd be reacting the same way if it was a male professor?"
His girlfriend shrugged and pointed towards the photo. "Actually, there's Professor Lupin, and Professor Moody…"
"With their danglies hiding behind the banner," Harry noted.
Hermione smiled. She took the calendar back from Harry and said, "Well maybe…there are eleven more months to the year, right?"
Her eyes widened when she turned to the next month.
"Who?" Harry asked.
"Tonks."
"Tonks looking like Tonks?"
"Yeah."
"Well that's a different picture, then. What's she wearing?"
"Aside from a pig nose?" Hermione asked. She flipped the calendar around and said, "Look for yourself."
Harry took this as permission to look and took a good look at the image. In addition to her pig's nose, "Miss September" was wearing a pair of white thigh-high silk stockings. And a smile. And nothing else.
"I guess it's easy enough for her to make sure that her carpet matches her drapes," Hermione quipped.
Harry nodded as he compared Tonks's neon-pink head hair to her neon-pink pubic hairs, which just happened to be trimmed in the shape of a lightning bolt.
"Like that month better than the first?" Hermione asked.
Her boyfriend tried to pull off a nonchalant shrug.
"Yeah, I guess. Not like it's my professor flashing me."
Hermione smirked. "And no pesky banner to get in the way of a good view, huh?"
Harry smiled as he reached out and flipped the calendar around to face Hermione.
"Like you said, Sweetheart…it's nothing more than I might see if Tonksie decided to take a beach holiday down here, right? 'Cept maybe for the nose, of course."
"Oh, of course," Hermione said snidely. The smile on her face let Harry know that she was teasing him more than teeing-off on him.
"Shall I?" she asked.
Mr. October was revealed when Harry gave her the go-ahead.
Hermione's eyes widened and she chewed on her lower lip in a futile effort the keep from giggling. She flipped the calendar around to show Harry what she thought was so funny.
Mad-Eye Moody was standing center-stage, dressed only in his bowler hat and dark-brown duster. The full-length jacket hung open from his shoulders, revealing the full length of his wooden leg. A thick mat of white chest hairs did a fair job of concealing a dozen different scars, the same way that a thick mat of white pubic hairs did a fair job of concealing his junk.
The retired Auror was reading the latest issue of The Daily Prophet, and as the animation played out he showed just how much he thought of the paper's editorial policies by throwing it to the ground and taking a piss on it. And that was something that Harry definitely thought was worth a few giggles.
"I can't believe that he'd be willing do something like that in front of a camera," said Hermione. "Much less send you the picture."
"It certainly is a unique and memorable birthday present," Harry agreed. He flipped the calendar and said, "Go on, then…unless you want to take turns."
"Taking turns would lessen the chance of both of us suffering mental scarring," Hermione noted. "That would make it your turn."
Harry agreed, and got the first look at a full-frontal Kingsley Shacklebolt as Mr. November. Hermione saw no real need to take a look for hemself, so Harry stuck a finger under the next page and closed the cover. Hermione took the calendar, replaced Harry's finger mark with her own, and opened it up to the month of December.
Harry asked, "So?"
"Hestia Jones," she said.
"Huh," said Harry. "Don't hardly know her, aside from the fact that she's in the Order."
"I talked with her a few times at Headquarters, but other than that..."
"Anything that I really need to see?" Harry asked.
"Need to, or want to?"
Harry whined, "Hermione…"
"Right," she replied. "I guess there's no compelling need for you to look, unless you're interested in seeing a fit natural blonde who's only a few years older than your mum."
"No thanks," said Harry.
Harry's eyes widened when he took the first look at January. The image featured the werewolf-sized willie that had gotten the twins' girlfriends so hot and bothered.
"What?" Hermione asked.
"So here's your chance," said Harry. "Tell me again how nonchalant you'd be if it was Professor Lupin who decided to take a beach holiday?"
Hermione pursed her lips. "I'd like to think that I'd be mature enough to handle running into him on a clothing optional beach."
Harry chuckled as flipped the calendar around.
"Sure about that?" he asked.
Hermione very quietly blushed very deeply.
"Wow," she whispered.
"I suppose that's a 'can't be helped' kind of response," Harry teased. "Your turn."
Hermione stared at the image of the well-hung lycanthrope for a few more seconds, before pulling herself together and turning the page.
Harry didn't wait for permission to look when his girlfriend doubled over it laughter…it was Fred and George, celebrating Valentine's Day. They once again had their Weasley red pubes on display as they stood back-to-back holding red- and pink-colored "Cock-a-diddle-do" vibrating chickens out from their crotches, as if they were choking them.
The next image was a testimonial to Tonks's skills as a metamorph. Or so they hoped…Mr. March was a naked headmaster, with just enough beard to cover his bits as he did a little jig. It was equal parts revolting and mesmerizing, and a good reason to move quickly on to the month of April, where Mundungus Fletcher graced the page with only his tobacco pouch to cover his bits. There was nothing mesmerizing about the image…it was full-on revolting, and Hermione quickly slammed the calendar shut. She then took a moment to swallow the throw-up in her mouth.
Hermione and Harry discussed whether they should continue on. It was clear that the calendar featured members of the Order of the Phoenix, and by process of elimination they had a reasonable guess about the remaining models. It wasn't a pretty thought, regardless of whether it was a "real" model or a Tonks impersonation. But it was also too much of an irresistible temptation (in a "Two Girls, One Cup," kind of way), so they bravely soldiered on.
Hermione held serve and took a sneak peek at Mrs. May. She quickly shut the page and passed the calendar to Harry.
"You don't want to know, or to even imagine," she whispered.
"Good enough for me," Harry replied. Then he took a quick look at the next month…and broke out into laughter.
"Oh, that's….that's…seriously disturbing," he declared.
"What?" Hermione asked. "Who?"
Harry smiled, and shook his head. "You know how I've always wondered how Snape makes his black robes billow out when he makes a dramatic exit?"
"Yes?"
"Well…imagine black pubic hairs billowing out the same way."
Hermione couldn't imagine it, so she had to see it. She laughed just as much as Harry did at Tonks's cleverness.
Noting that Psuedo-Snape was Mr. June, Hermione slipped her finger underneath the current page, then closed the calendar cover.
"Ok, Harry…just one more month to go."
"Right, so…Mr. Weasley?" Harry asked.
"Don't think so," Hermione replied.
"Mrs. Weasley?"
Hermione shook her head. "Remember that month where I told you it was better for you not to know or even imagine who the pin-up girl was?"
"Oh, thanks," Harry whined. "Now you do have me imagining."
Hermione chuckled. "There is still somebody who was flashing her baps in that group shot who hasn't gone solo yet."
"McGonagall?"
"Yeah," said Hermione. "Don't know if I want to look…and I'm guessing that you're not all that anxious…"
"Well…actually," Harry admitted.
"Harry!"
"What?" he asked. "Almost feel like…if she's been enough of a Gryffindor to do something like this, then the least we can do is be brave enough to see what she wants to show us."
"I don't know…"
"No, really," Harry decided. "We both know that we need to do this, so…"
He flipped open to the last month and held it out for joint viewing.
Their Transfiguration professor was buck naked, lying on a bed lengthwise. She was on her stomach, with her arms tucked to her sides and her face turned towards the camera. She was staring directly into the lens, defiantly daring the viewer to watch as a much younger witch crawled into bed behind her. That witch, who was dressed in a thin green camisole and a navy blue thong, grabbed Minerva's hip and pulled her tight against her own waist. Minerva lifted her leg, spreading herself wide for the camera as she arched her back in pleasure. The younger witch reached up and tickled under McGonagall's chin, then slowly dragged her fingers down the professor's chest. Those fingers scratched, and flexed, and rubbed their way down to Minerva's belly. McGonagall purred, and pressed back against the younger witch's thighs, urging her bed partner to rub lower and lower, down towards her most sensitive pleasure point.
The animated image froze just before Chastity's fingers reached the fur in between the animagus's rear legs.
Harry and Hermione stared without blinking. Then they laughed without stopping. They had never been so delighted about being pranked so completely.