Lìngxiāo listened to the whole ups and downs of Chóng Fēi's past story. But right now he was too tense with the storm inside himself more than the mystery—and the heart which felt like it was going to come out.
Each ba-dham, ba-dham echoed into his chest, his ears, his head—making his head spin like before again.
Because Chóng Fēi was hugging him tightly from behind.
His breath caught when he grabbed him this tightly, his bamboo hat falling from his head—as if rejecting how shaken he had gotten.
Chóng Fēi wasn't even in proper sense to know what he was doing.
He was just trembling, trying to breathe normally, his face buried into Lìngxiāo's neck while Lìngxiāo sat with one shoulder raised high—and Chóng Fēi still stayed trapped between it. The trembling breath directly hit the shell of his ear, impossible to ignore. His hands were right over Lìngxiāo's chest, between the path where his ribcage ended and his stomach started.
Everything made him arch unconsciously.
His head fell back into this tense, uncomfortable position, his back so straight it would hurt if he kept this posture a little longer. His eyes felt glassy, his breath never steady, his mouth parted with a dry tongue.
His face flushed. Inside his robe, his neck and chest were soaked with sweat. His emotions—his thoughts—this sudden intimacy—it was all breathless, confusing, judgmental on the highest level, and also deeply concerning.
'T-this is too much intimacy with a stranger. No, a man. No, a cut-sleeve one which I have just discovered...!'
'He has grown more clingy too.'
He was thankful he was able to hold back this deadly energy in him this long. But still, nothing was helping. He could only clench his robe but couldn't escape the situation.
'I cannot handle it much longer.'
'Is he alright?'
'I hope he would not faint here. I cannot hold him without feeling..embarrassed after everything. I would make things worse.'
'Please wake up. Wake up.'
"F-fēi.. Gōngzǐ.." Lìngxiāo called in a faint, tight whisper. The words struggled to come out of his mouth.
No response.
Just unconscious whispers which even his ears felt like blurring away. Someone's name unconsciously came out of Chóng Fēi's mouth. But a vein in his heart tagged when he heard a piece of his words.
Perhaps Xiǎo?
He wasn't sure. But it felt like it. It was both confusing and unexpected.
'W-why does he now call out for my..old self like a prayer or something?'
'What does he have..to do with 'that' me?'
A deliberate, soft yet still panicked squeeze followed from Chóng Fēi. His fingers digging into his body.
His chest.
It was harsh but not painful—desperate for physical support. He could feel his smile was awkward and strange as ever, the kind that made children cry out and run away.
"Chóng Fēi Gōngzǐ?" Lìngxiāo called again, his voice faintly trembling with the effort of controlling his unwanted body reactions and the energy pulsing hot within him.
Still Chóng Fēi didn't answer. He just cringed more, burning his face deeper into Lìngxiāo's neck.
Lìngxiāo's eyes shut tight, his mouth hanging open with a half-formed groan. His forehead was almost dripping with sweat, the few baby hairs clinging to his skin like thin brown art over his fair face.
He felt his own desperation rising.
His left hand was turning slightly black—not fully yet. But like the skin was getting covered in a layer of polished black crystal. The familiar yet unknown ancient marks with no clear meaning to understand started to come back to life, pulsing with golden light.
His eyes widened yet focused on nowhere. His panic raised high, like it was hitting the middle of his skull.
'Oh Lord. No...'
He clenched his hand. His fingers couldn't even dig into his palm as the skin was just starting to harden. Within the next ten minutes, it would spread all over his body. He managed to hold back longer only because he had been mastering endlessly to control his nine-tail fox core—which he was still not fully successful at.
He could hold back a little longer. But not forever. Not anytime.
"Wake up!" He almost cried out like a plea through his teeth—louder than a whisper and lower than a full groan. The last word 'please' silenced, though his lips had already curled around it.
'I need space right now or I'm.. going to explode.'
He swallowed dryly. His trembling hand reached out barely over Chóng Fēi's chest where he felt the heartbeat—so ruthless like a dragon caged within it. Each hit of the heart against the ribcage was clear enough to feel against his palm.
He had felt heartbeats like this before plenty of times—due to his job where humans had gone out of control from staying under demons.
But this..it was totally different.
His gaze sometimes went to Chóng Fēi's chest.
'Perhaps he..really is troubled from inside. And he was not lying about gripping or other things either.'
'Maybe I should not have been this strong on my rules either—to still agree to hear his story like this. It would have been better if..I told my mōs to collect the information for me.'
'But I did not know..such a big thing had happened just two years ago and they..managed to bury it before it reached my ears.'
'I was too serious too early that..now it is falling heavy on myself like a punishment.'
Chóng Fēi later realized what he was doing. But now there was a little distance while he was clinging to Lìngxiāo's full arm like hugging a pillow.
"You are.. not keeping the boundary I have set.. even though I should not have set it, Gōngzǐ.." Lìngxiāo tried to spell the words like a warning being repeated.
He tried to twist out his arm. The bones made tiny pops from overworking.
"Chóng Gōngzǐ. Kindly breathe." Lìngxiāo said, forcefully steeling himself to press out those words when nothing seemed to work anymore.
"It is.. your fault.." Chóng Fēi bit out when he found his voice, blaming him for this—again.
Lìngxiāo couldn't speak. He just didn't try to move himself away—not out of his own comfort but because Chóng Fēi's face had lost its color more than his own. The distress over Chóng Fēi's face was too clear to ignore.
'The trauma seemed..too loud. Have I somehow..pressured him too much?'
He was almost about to part his mouth. To apologize.
"You are too pro—" Chóng Fēi cut himself off by seeing him this way, swallowing.
He didn't lose his grasp over the hand on his own chest.
Lìngxiāo almost wondered what cruel word he might have thought of throwing. So he couldn't help but ask about it.
When he spoke, it was not only himself but both asked the same thing: about hiding something from each other.
Then they answered the same, denying it—yet both knew they were hiding something.
Chóng Fēi huffed and finally awkwardly released Lìngxiāo's arm, creating a little space. Both of their faces were no less warm than the other's.
'He better..not press on the matter too much. I do not know what I would end up doing.'
When Chóng Fēi's gaze still went toward Lìngxiāo's sleeve, he shakily hid it away again.
Finding his gaze meeting his. "Can't you be.. open enough?"
'I..'
Lìngxiāo almost paused by the words.
'Never mind.'
Then he just ignored it, lost in his own struggle. And now his arm—which was being gripped—hurt too.
His gaze moved outside—but like searching for a safe place beyond this earth.
His golden-brown eyes darkened, the shiny rims almost disappearing from them. His transforming hand felt colder than before.
'I cannot hold back anymore. I need to stop here.'
He wore his hat back properly with an unsteady hand, looking into that tiny door and talking to the driver about the path instead.
The driver politely asked about taking shelter before the rain started heavily at this mountain path.
Chóng Fēi was now focused on Lìngxiāo's worse secret. "What are you twisting at your hand..?" He reached out to look into Lìngxiāo's palm.
'N-no no. Not there!'
'Do NOT touch me!!'
Lìngxiāo pulled his hand away fast—before he could touch his skin. It wasn't burning.
It was freezing in a way which was not ice.
His gaze didn't meet his. The discomfort was visible no matter how much he tried—after all, he was a human with goods and flaws too.
'Can he not stay quiet a little longer??'
He hushed him to stay quiet. The hiss felt sharp, as if the thin air from the gap of his tongue could cut deep over skin itself.
Chóng Fēi stared. Annoyed again.
Before he could throw some more questions at him, Lìngxiāo politely asked the driver to leave them here.
"Lìngxiāo.." Chóng Fēi gritted, his words dry. It had its own unknown plea.
The driver hesitated to leave.
Lìngxiāo ignored Chóng Fēi again, pausing for a moment.
'What reasonable excuse can I drop quickly without losing more time..?'
Lìngxiāo could feel the burn of his gaze on himself even if he didn't look at him. Their gaze met just when the carriage stopped—and he went out without saying a single word.
Chóng Fēi quickly followed him out. Perhaps called too. Or maybe his ears were ringing.
Lìngxiāo's heart hadn't steadied even now. Not only because of the unwanted—unfair intimacy but also a way of his body warning him:
Breaking in a perfectly wrong time.