I slowly opened my eyes, surfacing from the dreams that had taken hold of me.
My Older Brother's once pitch-black room was now clear as day.
No, it wasn't that it was clear.
It was just that my eyes had finally adjusted.
A smile crept up my lips as a hollow chuckle echoed in the darkness.
Who would've thought it was so simple this whole time?
My body sank into the mattress as I allowed myself one more moment of reminiscence.
***
Things didn't get any easier after that. Once I reached middle school, it got worse. With each test I did, my grades dropped lower and lower. When I showed them to my parents, they reacted no differently than they had to my sixth-grade report card.
My teachers weren't any better. They only ever saw me as "Hoshino's little sister." On the first day of school, the first thing they'd say to me was, "I used to teach your Brother. How is he doing?"
That irritated me to no end, but I'd always put on a smile and answer politely.
Even the other students in school only ever knew me as "little Hoshino."
While Brother didn't have many friends, he knew a lot of people. Every time I walked through the hallways, random people—regardless of the year they were in—would come up to me just to tell me they knew my Older Brother.
That was it.
They'd just come up to tell me that and walk away. Like I wasn't even my own person.
This happened every day throughout my first year of middle school.
My hatred for my Brother grew each time, but I could never fully hate him. I couldn't bring myself to fully love him as innocently as I used to, either.
I tried to gaslight myself into thinking that this was what he must have felt, too—that he secretly hated me throughout all those years. It helped to dull my seething hatred, but only a little.
It was a never-ending cycle. One that repeated since the sixth grade.
A cycle of love and hate.
To love someone, and hate them at the same time—it was a pain that could never be put into words.
I thought I'd live the rest of my life with those contradictory feelings eating away at me from the inside.
But one day… the cycle was broken.
"If I'm such a shitty Brother… then you can fuck off, lil si—Lily."
It was the winter semester of my first year of middle school when our relationship changed.
Sure, we managed to "recover" after that—even laughing and joking with each other from time to time—but we were never the same.
Once the love that kept me grounded disappeared, the hatred consumed me, and it was stronger than ever.
Now, not only was I nothing more than an inferior version of him, but the relationship I had with the person I loved most in the world was gone, too.
A year passed. Then two. Then two and a half. They blurred together. Every day I lived my life with only one thing in mind—my hatred for my Brother.
No love. No happiness. Just pure hatred.
Nothing changed.
I thought nothing would change.
Until that day—
That day in March, almost two months ago. The day when everything came apart at the dinner table.
The day that he told me he loved me—still loved me—even after everything that had happened between us.
Hearing those words… saved me in a way. For the first time in two and a half years—I was… happy.
No.
I was actually loved. I was actually seen.
Most of all, it was by the person I thought hated me.
The person I hated.
…
And the person I loved more than anyone else.
It reminded me of a love…
That had long since passed.
But that didn't mean the hatred magically disappeared. Of course it didn't.
Still, I wasn't going to let go of the feeling when I had just gotten it back.
So…
I decided to cling to it with everything I had.
And I did.
For the past two months, I'd been playing the fool for that love.
If it meant being his little sister for just a little longer, then I'd do it.
No.
I'd do anything.
***
I slowly rose from the bed, the pale blue moonlight brushing against my skin. I clicked my tongue and turned to the light filtering through the curtain.
As if on cue, clouds moved in and swallowed the moon, and as a result, the room fell into total darkness.
I'd been afraid of the dark ever since I was a little kid.
But now, for the first time, I didn't shudder.
And now, just like two months ago, I'd made my choice.
I glanced at the duck still resting in my hands and gently closed my fist around it.
I will… do both.
I will love him.
And I will hate him.
To him, I'll be nothing more than a stupid, foolish little sister. Someone whom he could love, and someone who could love him.
But to myself—and everyone else—I will...
Surpass my Older Brother.
I will be smarter than him.
Both in school, and in the world.
When people look at me, they won't see me as "little Hoshino."
They will see me as…
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. My words came just as cold—no—even colder than his ever had been.
"They will only see me as Lily."
I squeezed the duck tighter.
"They will see me as someone even better than him."
"Can you do it?" A voice called from the darkness.
I kept my gaze fixed on the duck in my hand and nodded.
Of course I can.
"And what makes you think that? You couldn't do it all those years ago. So what is different now?"
A grin crept up my lips as I opened my mouth.
My Brother's words echoed in my head as I spoke, the two voices becoming one.
"That's a stupid question."
I lifted my head and stared straight into the darkness in front of me.
"It's because I'm his little sister."
There was no one in the entire world who was more different—yet more alike—to him than I was.
If he could do it, so could I.
After all…
I've been watching him more closely than anyone.
From downstairs, I heard the sound of the front door open, followed by the muffled voices of our parents.
Big Brother had just gotten home.
Perfect. Right on time.
I got up from bed, placed the duck back where I found it in the closet, and climbed back into bed once again.
I carefully tucked the blanket around me, making it look like I'd been sleeping while clinging to the last traces of his warmth.
Footsteps approached from the hall.
I lay down and closed my eyes.
The doorknob twisted, and the lights turned on shortly after.
Even with my eyes closed, the light was blinding—but I didn't react in the slightest. Not yet, at least.
After a few seconds, I acted.
Let's go, Lily.
End of volume 4: A Little Sister