"I just turned eighteen~ oh wait, five hundred~"
"Eugh—!"
Paimon felt goosebumps rise all over her body.
Pretending to be young when you're thousands of years old was already bad enough—
but pulling this stunt?
Absolutely disgusting.
Lumine narrowed her eyes.
Then she grabbed the floating mascot and pulled her straight into her arms, ruthlessly rua-ing her.
"Oh?"
"Are you saying I'm old?"
"I'll give you one chance to rephrase that."
Meeting Lumine's dangerous gaze—and thinking of her future meals—Paimon instantly folded.
"Not at all, not at all~!"
"What I meant is that even though you're only five hundred years old, you'll forever be an eighteen-year-old girl in spirit~!"
"Lumine is the cutest!"
"Lumine is the best!"
"Lumine is number one in Teyvat!"
"..."
Paimon threw out every compliment her brain could manufacture.
Desperately.
Thankfully, it worked.
Lumine nodded in satisfaction.
"Good."
"Since you spoke the truth, your three-day ban from the Gourmet Tablecloth is lifted."
Paimon's eyes lit up.
Wait—there was a bonus?!
She immediately followed up with another barrage of flattery.
Across from them, Ayaka, Ayato, and Thoma could only smile helplessly.
These two really were something else.
On the Light Screen
Watching Zhongli still hesitating and dragging his feet, Lumine felt speechless.
"I'm about to starve to death, and the old man's still pretending to be dignified."
At that moment, the owner of Xinyue Pavilion walked over.
"You two filthy beggars—get lost!"
"S-sorry! We're leaving right now!"
Lumine hurriedly apologized.
But Zhongli wasn't having it.
"This is how you treat honored guests?"
Left with no choice, Lumine held the owner back while urging the old man to hurry and pack the food.
After that, the two headed out into the wilderness.
"My dear granddaughter," Zhongli said solemnly,
"Grandpa's bones have been weak lately. I need more calcium."
"And you need more vegetables."
"So…"
He calmly took a plate of greens from the pile of packed dishes and handed it to Lumine.
The rest, he kept for himself—
and began devouring.
Lumine: "..."
Then, disaster struck.
Zhongli suddenly sprinted toward the nearby forest.
"Old man? What's wrong?!"
"My stomach hurts. I need to use the bathroom."
With that, he vanished into the trees.
Moments later—
A terrible stench wafted out.
Lumine recoiled several steps back.
"It smells awful… what did the old man even eat?"
Transcendent Chat Group
Alice:
Wait—are we saying the Geo Archon is just… relieving himself in the wild? (evil grin.jpg)
Venti:
Ahem… old man, this is a bit much. At least build a wall or something. (doge.jpg)
Raiden Ei:
Ugh… Morax, I've completely lost my appetite…
Nahida:
Come to Sumeru next time! We have proper facilities~
Furina:
My eyes… my eyes…!
Azhdaha:
Morax, don't ever tell people you know me again. This is too embarrassing.
Hu Tao:
Consultant, you really should be more careful next time.
Lumine:
Heh~ Serves you right for hogging all the food. (evil grin.jpg)
Paimon:
The Geo Archon must have some kind of serious illness. (doge.jpg)
Zhongli:
...
What could he even say at this point?
His dignity was completely gone.
On the Light Screen
"What's wrong with the old man…?"
Lumine looked worried.
At first, she thought he'd just eaten something bad.
But after three or four days with no improvement, she panicked and called a doctor.
She invited Barbara, Mondstadt's famous deaconess.
"Old man, Barbara's here! You're saved!"
Lumine was hopeful.
Barbara took one step closer—
Then immediately recoiled.
"Nope!"
"It smells way too bad. I can't treat this."
Lumine sighed.
She couldn't abandon the old man, so she tried again.
This time, she brought Baizhu, Liyue's renowned physician.
Now this one was reliable.
He rushed right in and examined the patient.
"So, doctor—how is my grandpa?"
"Relax. A minor surgery will fix everything."
Baizhu reassured her calmly.
"That's great!"
Lumine finally relaxed.
Some time later, Baizhu emerged smiling.
"The surgery was a success. Your grandfather is fine."
Then—
Someone walked out from inside.
Lumine froze.
Not just Lumine.
Everyone watching froze.
…What the hell?!
Morax turned into Ningguang?!
What kind of surgery was that?!
Northland Bank
"Pff—!"
Ningguang spat out her tea.
All elegance gone.
That alone showed how devastating the shock was.
As for Zhongli—
He fell silent once more.
Transcendent Chat Group
Lumine:
Uhh… what…?
Paimon:
What's happening?! Zhongli turned into… Ningguang?! (shocked.jpg)
Alice:
Grandpa turned into grandma? (doge.jpg)
Ningguang:
???
Furina:
That surgery is way too extreme!
Hu Tao:
Hey! You stealing my business is one thing—but why'd you turn my consultant into this, Baizhu?!
Baizhu:
...
Baizhu:
Can I say I have no idea what's going on? (wry smile.jpg)
Hu Tao:
Hmph! You think I'll believe that?
Hu Tao:
Qiqi, did you see that? There are dangerous people around you! Come work for me instead—unless you want to wake up as someone else one day! (serious.jpg)
Qiqi:
Y-you're the scariest one… (trembling.jpg)
On the Light Screen
After returning, Zhongli—now in Ningguang's form—completely changed.
He gave all the good food to Lumine and ate only vegetables himself.
Lumine felt deeply unsettled.
"Grandpa… why are you acting like this?"
"Eat up, dear~ Grandpa's dieting."
Zhongli (Ningguang) smiled gently.
Lumine grew even more distressed.
This wasn't the grandpa she knew.
So she stormed off to Bubu Pharmacy to complain.
"Quack doctor! This is all your fault!"
"My grandpa was never like this!"
"Give me my old grandpa back!"
Baizhu remained calm.
"No problem."
"I'll throw in acupuncture as a bonus."
The Scene Changes
Baizhu performed several mysterious air-stab acupuncture strikes.
Suddenly—
Zhongli (Ningguang) leapt up.
In the next instant—
He transformed into a Primo Geovishap.
The chat exploded.
Again?!
Acupuncture can do this now?!
On the Light Screen
"How did this happen…?"
"Did Grandpa mutate?"
Lumine stared in horror.
Apologizing in her heart, she acted decisively.
After an intense battle—
The Primo Geovishap was defeated.
Then she turned on Baizhu.
"You quack! You killed my grandpa!"
Baizhu stayed calm.
"Silly child."
"Your grandpa is right here."
He pointed to the side.
Lumine looked—
There stood a Golden Ley Line Blossom.
With dramatic music swelling—
A face emerged from the flower.
Zhongli's face.
Lumine's eyes lit up.
"See? Liyue medicine really is reliable!"
The video ended.
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Then realization hit.
So this was what "the old man blooms" meant.
Transcendent Chat Group
Lumine:
From old man → Ningguang → Primo Geovishap → Ley Line Blossom → literal blooming…
I've seen a lot, but even I'm breaking here.
Paimon:
This is the most unhinged video so far. No competition.
Raiden Ei:
What mental state produces something like this?
Nahida:
Is this… otherworldly knowledge?
Furina:
Explosive. Utterly explosive.
Venti:
Ehe~ the process was rough, but the result worked! He was saved, right? (doge.jpg)
Barbara:
Ahem… Lord Barbatos has a point. Baizhu's medical skills are… impressive. (doge.jpg)
Hu Tao:
Wait—he did manage to bring the consultant back after all that. That's… impressive.
Kokomi:
Liyue truly is full of talents.
Tighnari:
I'd love to study under you someday! (doge.jpg)
Baizhu:
...
He was completely numb.
If he could really do that, he'd have achieved immortality already.
Alice Strikes Again
Alice:
Alright, Liyue folks—your turn again! What do you think of Old Man Blooming? (evil grin.jpg)
Everyone in Liyue felt tired.
Very tired.
They all looked at Ningguang—
But this time, she spoke first.
Ningguang:
The Geo Archon must have his reasons… but this is beyond my knowledge.
She was genuinely done.
Seeing this, everyone else fell silent.
Then—
Alice:
Oh? Even Lady Ningguang can't explain it this time? Then let's hear from the man himself—Zhongli. (evil grin.jpg)
Zhongli:
...
He was completely stunned.
He thought nothing could top what had already happened.
He was wrong.
The moment that flower bloomed—
His soul almost left his body.
After a long pause, he sighed and borrowed someone else's technique.
Zhongli:
No, no. The one who bloomed was the Traveler's grandfather. What does that have to do with me? (serious.jpg)
Lumine:
???
Everyone:
???
Holy—
He learned that move from Barbatos?!
And terrifyingly—
It worked.
The light screen never actually said his name.
Same face?
Coincidence.
Absolutely coincidence.
Luo Chen's Villa
Luo Chen laughed.
Even Ningguang had folded.
Even Zhongli was blatantly lying with a straight face.
That alone showed how devastating this review had been.
He continued cheerfully.
"And with that, Morax's unserious review concludes."
"Next—"
"We begin the unserious review of Morax's retainer."
"Azhdaha."
Wangsheng Funeral Parlor
Zhongli exhaled deeply.
Finally.
It was over.
This ordeal had been worse than centuries of war.
But now—
It was Azhdaha's turn.
His eyes gleamed with anticipation.
Suffering should be shared.
Beneath the Sealed Tree
"…M-my turn?"
Azhdaha trembled.
Seeing Morax's fate, fear was justified.
But then—
A realization struck.
"Wait."
"I've been sealed here this whole time."
"I haven't gone anywhere."
"So even if the light screen wants to mock me…"
"It shouldn't be that easy, right?"
His eyes lit up.
Yes!
Being sealed wasn't so bad after all!
If anyone heard this—
They'd shake their heads.
Oh, sweet summer dragon.
You really think the light screen can't reach you?
You're about to cry.
To read advanced Chapters, head over to p@treon:
patreon.com/nani_kaito