General information (Pre-Great war):
Demonym: Kelpkyr
Capital: Bannoch and Thrumock
Key cities: Peffrie, Brackenscaur and Brackrie
Official language: Vraask
Total population: 366,217,892
Total land area: 1,229,016 km² (474,525.73 sq mi)
Currency: Faln
First-level administrative division: Marran
Government: Central Administration of Human Productivity and Mechanical Industry
The Presidential Relic (ABATTOIR):
🗎 -------> [TRANSCIPTING...]
🗎 -------> [CHAMBER 202] -------> [OPENING RECORD...]
" oink oink oink oink. these pig seem like they are happy. they must be happy, they have everything they need. a shelter, food, drink, safety,... they should be graceful. and they seem to be never complain. good good, they will never know they are stuck in here forever, work for us forever, and they will think they are control of their life. well, hey don't have much choice, they were destined to be this way. we are just luckier than them, a lot more luckier. now let take a look at other chamber. oink oink. "
🗎 -------> [TRANSFERING TO THOUAND OF MORE CHAMBERS]
Ontological status (Post Great-War): Reports received from the reconnaissance team have confirmed the presence of survivors. A large settlement has been located within an underground industrial complex. Additional supplies and provisions for proper shelter are currently being prepared and will be delivered to the settlement shortly.
Overview:
Kelpiekerk, officially known as the Groaning Screaming Pens Womb of Kelpiekerk, is located in the Yevan region of Eldervale. To the north, bordering Gordionis and Brigalisc, to the east, Rauvogalva. To the south, the entirety of the Othun Sea and to the west, Karnavo and Cathair Ghormfain.
She is an exceptionally patient person, willing to wait for as long as necessary, always believing that there is a way as long as there is a will - even when that hope sometimes proves false. She never rushes into anything, remaining calm and composed no matter the circumstances. No one truly knows whether she has ever given up on something. Perhaps that is why many describe she as slow and passive, even somewhat meek and timid. Nevertheless, beneath that quiet nature lies someone deeply committed, steadfast, and unwilling to abandon what she has chosen to pursue. Though, at times, what she chooses to pursue can be a cause for concern, especially given just how completely she commits to it.
About Kelpiekerk:
𓃟 The pig is Kelpiekerk's national symbol. According to legend, the nation's ultimate founder was none other than a pig.
𓃟 Kelpiekerk has historically had one of the highest rates of obesity in Eldervale. Interestingly, being fat is traditionally considered a beauty standard in Kelpiekerkan culture.
𓃟 For a time, Kelpiekerk had so many places sharing the same geographic names that the government simply added numbers to distinguish them. It worked - but was notoriously confusing for locals and foreigners alike.
𓃟 Large households were once common, with some families having more than ten members. This tradition gradually declined due to government intervention and the rise of various social problems.
𓃟 Much of central and eastern Kelpiekerk is covered by a terrain known as Rosecrag - pink, rolling, and distinctly sinusoidal in shape.
𓃟 Seeing a pig wandering freely through the streets is considered a sign of good luck. Unsurprisingly, pigs are also among the most popular pets in Kelpiekerk.
𓃟 Kelpiekerk has long struggled with population density. In some areas, houses were packed so tightly together that they seemed to stack on top of one another. Urban planning has gradually reduced this problem.
𓃟 For centuries, Kelpiekerk was thought to be almost mythical. A vast, persistent fog isolated the land from the outside world, while distant civilizations mentioned it repeatedly in their own myths and legends
Brief modern history:
I. THE BREAKING OF AMALGAMA AND THE BIRTH OF KELPIEKERK (1150S–1157)
Throughout the 1150s, the Sovereign Commonwealth of Amalgama underwent an inevitable progression of institutional unraveling, buckling beneath the synergistic strains of virulent ethno-nationalism, intractable constitutional friction, irreconcilable ideological teleologies, and the destabilizing demise of Saulene Virdaite - a preeminent consolidator singularly equipped to perpetuate the multilateral union. Concurrently, Rauvolgava's overreaching geopolitical encroachment across the Amalgaman framework fomented acute existential apprehension amongst the tributary subnational polities, whereas synchronous breakaway contagions in extraneous theaters incubated analogous emancipatory ambitions within the Kelpiekerk hinterlands.
On 10 May 1156, Kelpiekerk declared its sovereign severance, mirroring the course charted by prior endeavors, plunging into overt martial friction with Rauvolgava.
Battle of Oskrie (Kelpiekerk), 2 July – 12 October 1156: Kelpkyr insurgents decisively reappropriated a citadel of geostrategic valency. Oskrie transmogrified into both an impregnable propulsive redoubt and an ideological emblem, thereby accelerating the dissemination of autonomist zeal throughout the contiguous territorial margins.
Battle of Craunmanach (Kelpiekerk), 9 February – 7 April 1157: A grinding confrontation that acutely enervated Rauvolgava's initiatives aimed at projecting offensive momentum toward the Oskrie enclave. Kelpiekerk's indigenous militias repulsed the adversarial incursions, amidst this martial crucible, the insurrectionary directorate inaugurated the Federated Marches of Kelpiekerk, functionally transubstantiating a decentralized rebel agitation into a formalized national architecture.
Battle of Maurochlen (Kelpiekerk), 14 October - 26 September: The ensuing gambit offensive helmed by Rauvolgava was categorically vanquished, extirpating any pragatic viability of resurrecting imperial dominion over Kelpiekerk whilst bequeathing the nascent legislature with superlative diplomatic asymmetry for impending bilateral conciliations. The vanquished consummated a sweeping pullback culminating in the explicit hermeneutic ratification of the Federated Marches of Kelpiekerk as a distinct, self-determining state.
II. A FEDERATION WITHOUT A CENTER (1158–1166)
The incipient sovereign entity of Kelpiekerk precipitously plunged into acute sociopolitical paralysis. Although the administrative apparatus had standardized its autonomy, it languished bereft of a cohesive ideological taxonomy, a macroscopic policy paradigm, or a unified purpose-driven arc. Permitting antagonistic factions proliferated with each cabal promulgating a disparate hermeneutic regarding the federation's optimal destiny. Exacerbated by severe macroeconomic desiccation, this rampant factionalism precipitated the dissolution of the maiden directorate a mere triennium following its emancipation.
In its vacuum materialized an enervated and radically balkanized Kelpiekerk, fragmented across a multiplicity of local linchpin. Virtually none countenanced the imposition of a robust centralized hegemony. Albeit these disparate administrations intermittently engaged in pragmatic synergism, internecine territorial friction along their porous demarcations remained endemically prevalent.
Omnipresent trepidation regarding exogenous encroachment ultimately compelled these fragmented suzerainties toward circumscribed multilateral accommodation. On 15 August 1160, they ratified the Kelpiekerk Sovereignty League (KSL), a decentralized coalition engineered predominantly to insulate their geopolitical autonomy from extra-territorial machinations. This consortium formulated a coordinated diplomatic and operational grid, yet proved critically impotent in ameliorating the inveterate domestic antagonisms.
Throughout the ensuing period, Kelpiekerk experienced persistent bureaucratic fragmentation and fiscal stagnation. Technological development was sclerotic, infrastructure remained spatially uneven, and the absence of centralized authority left the polity vulnerable to internal instability and external pressure.
On 10 January 1166, plenipotentiaries representing every regime's directorate convened for Kelpiekerk's First Grand Conference. Its teleological objective was singularly audacious, to construct an organizational schema capacitated to execute the federation's systemic reintegration. Conversely, the symposium merely illuminated the intractable severity of the endemic schisms. No singular stratagem accrued requisite ratification, and the conclave languished within an inescapable dialectical quagmire for successive months.
III. THE YEARS OF DIVISION (1171–1190)
The Grand Conference languished in intractable stasis until 1171, when a farcical transgression incontrovertibly eviscerated the vestigial remnants of multilateral synergism.
On 5 January, a Veyrnoch combatant engaged in public micturition against the Brennask territorial demarcation, inciting an flashpoint engagement escalation between the paired austral polities. This parochial altercation parabolically transgressed, the conclave dissolved, and ancillary directorates jettisoned diplomatic conciliation in favor of overt bellicosity. Thus commenced the Years of Division, historiographically canonized as the most ideologically maximalist and sociopolitically volatile continuum in Kelpiekerk's chronicles.
Battle of Tarlisker, 19 April – 9 May 1172: The Ardskerrin and Balcruin cliques pioneered army praxis on an unparalleled magnitude. Behemoth porcine specimens were conscripted bilaterally as cavalry steeds and organic siege armaments against fortified redoubts, a mechanized brutality that concurrently kindled autocratic and plutocratic infrastructures.
Operation Black Skerry, 25 January – 7 May 1175: Orchestrated by the Kilvarroch clique against austral suzerainties, transcended preceding strategic paradigms, its harmonized logistical matrices, hierarchical command architecture, and multi-theatrical prescience posthumously solidified into the foundational bedrock of orthodox Kelpiekerk martial doctrine.
Battle of Eastern Corran, 1 June – 13 December 1176: Consequent to the implosion of the Auchmorr clique, a quintet of disparate directorates in parallel contested Eastern Corran as the talisman of sovereign legitimacy. The municipal epicenter teetered repeatedly cross-theater occupying vanguards prior to resolutely capitulating to the Skelbrae hegemony. Subsequent military depletion temporarily ossified the broader conflagration into a static theater. Throughout this tempestuous interval, Kelpiekerk morphed into a crucible of constitutional experimentation, incubating esoteric administrative typologies encompassing Mandatocracy, Indexocracy, Stratocracy, Anacyclocracy, and Klerocracy, alongside a plethora of notoriously ephemeral governing matrices.
Kinetic belligerency violently reignited following the precipitous disintegration of the Skelbrae clique in May 1181.
Battle of Mornachty Fenvale, 5 June – 28 August 1182: Culnethra clique subjugated Torvess and inaugurated the Kelpiekerk Commonwealth of Tides beneath the aegis of Dorran Craulish, codifying a paradigm of custodial autocracy.
Battle of Cramhuil, 16 September 1182 – 9 January 1183: Synchronously, Morlask vanquished the Drausk forces after the battle, cementing its geopolitical primacy as an ascendant septentrional sovereign operating via a decentralized totalitarian framework. Their protracted hegemonic antagonism sparked tactical innovation across the geographic domain.
A tertiary pole of influence materialized via sanguinary machinations in 1185. Trace elements of the Marnvra and Skelbrae cliques orchestrated the assassination of Varnachie executive Aulric Varneth on 12 August. Fledgling endeavors to institutionalize a bipartite dyarchy crumbled when Nairen Kelvraun was similarly liquidated, facilitating Ceryn Vrachan's unilateral usurpation of the executive apparatus to engineer an adamantine, radically gynarchic autocracy.
By this juncture, merely a triumvirate of directorates persisted.
Battle of Seven Glenscarps (13 April–28 August 1187): Upsetting the strategic equilibrium wherein the Commonwealth systematically dismantled Morlask's army. The campaign attained mythic historiographical status for forging myriad tactical axioms retrospectively integral to the modernized Kelpiekerk force posture, precipitating Morlask's expeditious and unconditional capitulation.
Battle of Averdin, 26 May – 6 September 1190: The final critically enervated Varnachie clique manifested virtually no substantive direct combat. Its totalized subjugation terminated upwards of a vicennium of systemic balkanization.
Kelpiekerk was definitively resynthesized beneath Torric Mirvan, whose doctrine of Steward Conservatism harmonized veneration for traditional legal dogmas with an embrace of incremental legislative amelioration.
IV. THE DARK DAYS AND THE ERASURE OF KELPIEKERK (1190-1200)
The consummation of geopolitical synthesis did not instantaneously eradicate the vanquished cliqeus. Subterranean factional reticulations endured crosswise Kelpiekerk, engendering acute administrative trepidation concerning the prospective incubation of a recrudescent internecine insurgency. In retribution, Kelpiekerk conducted the No Second Rising directive, a dragnet encompassing indiscriminate internment, panoptic surveillance, and coercive ideological inculcation. Presumptive insurrectionary sympathizers were subjected to punishing ten-hours daily regimens engineered to instill jingoistic solidarity and ethnocentric zealotry
Exogenous diplomatic hiatus concomitantly unraveled as a territorial contest concerning Quonk Island progressively toxified bilateral intercourse with Karnavo throughout the twilight of the 1190s. Subsequent to an armed clash upon the disputed insular zone on 20 April 1198, this geopolitical friction precipitously detonated into the Islands War.
Battle of Quonk, 8 – 30 June 1198: Kelpkyr expeditionary detachments executed a lightning expulsion of Karnavo's garrisons from the contested atoll. Rather than cementing a stable armistice, this expeditious triumph severely alienated the contiguous polities of Norrick, Rossane, Dunmair, and Morrast, whose respective authorities progressively diagnosed the resurgent Kelpiekerk as an existential hegemonic menace.
Consequently, on 6 July, this quartet formalized the Muirland Union, issuing a simultaneous invocation of war against Kelpiekerk twelve days thereafter. Rauvolgava opportunistically integrated into the belligerent coalition on 20 July, harboring revanchist animus predicated upon Kelpiekerk's pivotal complicity in the antecedent dismemberment of the Amalgaman supranational architecture.
The fledgling Kelpiekerk abruptly confronted a synchronized, multilateral kinetic onslaught.
Battle of Duntinmuir (Kelpiekerk), 24 January – 10 May 1199: Kelpiekerk's army tenuously repulsed the combinatorial offensives coordinated by the Muirland Union and Rauvolgava along the oriental frontier, nevertheless, this crucible laid bare critical semblance of cohesive territorial fortification.
Battle of Tattiebrae (Kelpiekerk), 7 April – 12 August 1199: An unmitigated tactical subjugation terminally fractured the oriental defensive perimeter against Karnavo, depriving the Kelpkyr martial apparatus of its requisite operational vitality. From that chronological threshold forward, chaotic retrograde maneuvers superseded any semblance of cohesive territorial interdiction.
The Dark Days (Kelpiekerk), 2 November 1199 – 14 January 1200: Marking Kelpkyr fatal institutional implosion after Peffeie and Brackrie - citadels bearing superlative ethnocultural and talismanic gravity - capitulated in precipitous succession. Bannock, the capital and ultimate bastion of sovereign purview, endured a scant sexdiurnal siege prior to its totalized bondage.
Kelpiekerk was subsequently subjected to a carthaginian tripartite partition. Karnavo expropriated the preponderant occidental expanse, whilst the oriental demesnes were annexed beneath the occupation of the Muirland Union and Rauvolgava. Scarcely a decade subsequent to its reintegration, Kelpiekerk was definitively eradicated as an autonomous jurisprudential entity.logistical desiccation, perilously distended tactical formations, and a systemic institutional unreadiness for omnidirectional warfare. Extraterritorial military enforcement merely magnified substantially in the aftermath.
V. THE LAST KELPKYR STATE (1200–1201)
As the Kelpiekerk institutional edifice finalized its terminal implosion, its hierarch, Alasdair Firthen, planned a pelagic flee accompanied by his consanguineous kin and subordinated loyalists. Historiographically immortalized as the Sail Beyond, this maritime evacuation mobilized a complement approximating two thousand escapee.
The transoceanic traversal across the Othun Sea rapidly degenerated into an unmitigated logistical and meteorological debacle. Tempestuous atmospheric anomalies scattered the disparate flotilla, synchronized navigational coordination disintegrated precipitously, and nutritional reservoirs evaporated with alacrity. Along with predatory adversarial naval squadrons harried the displaced diaspora. Within this harrowing maritime attrition, Firthen personally endured the grim bereavement of a triumvirate of his own progeny.
By the moment the residual maritime conveyances finally breached the littoral perimeters of Dreichstea Island, a microscopic cohort numbering fewer than half a hundred retained their vitality. Autochthonous denizens generously proffered life-sustaining aid, facilitating the emaciated refugees' convalescence from the pelagic ordeal. From this infinitesimal demographic fraction, Firthen and his enduring inner sanctum formally established the Kelpieker Central State, preserving a legal code and political continuation of the Kelpiekerk statecraft.
The occupying imperial states sporadically launched amphibious offensives intended to definitively expunge this insular government-in-exile. Nevertheless, the topography of Dreichstea manifested geostrategic impregnability neutralized adversarial expeditionary armadas antecedent to their capacity to consolidate any durable littoral beachhead.
VI. SUBSEQUENT YEARS ON THE DREICHSTEA ISLANS (1201-1224)
In 1201, a singular year subsequent to the Sail Beyond, Alasdair Firthen initiated the transfiguration of the exile haven into an enduring sovereign machinery. He instituted the Drrokit, retrospectively entrenched as themaiden expeditionary force of the vestigial Kelpiekerk directorate. Preliminarily comprising a scant quingentenary of combatants, this militia levied extensively from the autochthonous insular demography alongside the accreting periphery of Kelpkyr displaced persons coalescing around the exiled regime.
A substantive influx of defectors breached Dreichstea's littoral perimeters in March 1204, simultaneously fortifying the demographic substratum and the bureaucratic efficacy of the atoll. Concurrently, the autocracy promulgated a framework of diaspora franchise, permitting Kelpkyr denizens sequestered beyond its unmediated jurisdiction to retain an unbroken jurisprudential tether to the imperium. Civic legitimacy was consequently recalibrated.
Between 1205 and 1210, the entirety of accessible capital was channeled into an exhaustive restorative paradigm, prioritizing infrastructural optimization, nutritional autarky, and a perspicuous administrative architecture. Firthen iteratively marshaled endeavors to forge unmediated communication vectors with the subsumed continental interior, notwithstanding these stratagems predominantly aborted. Epistemological acquisition alternatively relied upon an asynchronous deluge of contraband broadsheets, including surreptitious acoustic transmissions, and epistolary fragments traversing the pelagic expanse sporadically.
The government-in-exile validated its kinetic viability amid 1 – 20 August 1207, as the Drrokit repulsed a Karnavald amphibious expedition endeavoring to consolidate a littoral foothold upon Dreichstea. Confiscated hardware salvaged from the broken armada fundamentally reinforced a martial framework hitherto hobbled by paltry domestic manufacturing capabilities.
Nutritional procurement posed a concomitant exigency. By 1212, the directorate exponentially dilated pelagic aquaculture to countervail the atoll's abysmal agrarian yields. Foremost among the curated taxa was the Twa-Leggit, an near-universal ichthyological specimen possessing a bifurcated set of pallid, anthropomorphic lower appendages bereft of digits. Preliminarily prized as a reliable vector for caloric sustenance, it culminated into one of Kelpiekerk's most quintessential culinary totems.
In December 1215, Firthen's receipt of an incognito missive pledging exogenous subsidization - a dispatch retrospectively unmasked as emanating from Kaamoksenvalta. A fortnight subsequent, an autonomous nautical conveyance breached the harbor, depositing vital logistical stockpiles prior to executing an egress vacant of interpersonal interface. Iterative waves of covert patronage ensued, instrumentally catalyzing Dreichstea's macroeconomic convalescence.
A seismic sea wave inundated the insular topography in June 1220. Albeit destitute of lethal decimation, Kelpiekerk deciphered the anomaly as a harbinger of pelagic peril, subsequently reinforcing maritime defenses and climate contingency frameworks.
Firthen harnessing impassioned ethno-nationalism to isolate the scattered Kelpkyr diaspora from total absorption. On 17 September 1224, Alasdair Firthen finalized Kintra an Fowk, his inaugural magnum opus dissecting Kelpiekerk ontological identity and civilizational perpetuity. Facilitated by Kaamoksenvalta's covert logistical lattices, facsimiles were surreptitiously disseminated straddling the occupied continental interior.
VII. SECRECY ACROSS DREICHSTEA (1227–1238)
On 2 October 1227, the provisional government-in-exile expatriate directorate rachieved a decisive breakthrough by forging a lasting pipeline to the homeland. Via this under-the-table reticulation, Alasdair Firthen procured an demonstrably transparent vantage regarding the existential realities endemic to the occupied territories. Functioning in synergistic tandem with Mairi Fionnla Nicrath, who rapidly transfigured into his preeminent epistemological liaison, Firthen unilaterally forged the Kintra Watch and Intelligence (KWI), cementing the institutional framework for an enduring espionage network.
By November 1230, virulent allegations of nepotistic patronage and the malfeasance of exiguous capital compelled Kelpiekerk to inaugurate an autonomous Anti-Corruption Commission. Its mandate centralized upon the rigorous forensic auditing of fiscal expenditures, aspiring to resuscitate civic credulity within an administrative edifice operating amidst material deprivation.
This logistical atrophy reached acute severity in 1233 when Kaamoksenvalta contingently suspended its covert maritime provisioning. Dreichstea was compelled to subsist almost exclusively upon its autochthonous biosphere. Ubiquitous privation fomented festering insurrectionary animus, with anti-Firthen antipathy spread across disparate civic strata. This systemic crisis crested on 3 March 1234, wherein Firthen narrowly circumvented a premeditated assassination stratagem.
With the insular enclave teetering upon the precipice of anarchy, Firthen weaponized esoteric thaumaturgical competencies cultivated during his infancy to transubstantiate mundane terrestrial sediment into alloyed metallurgy. A preponderant fraction of the aboriginal denizens, uninitiated in such arcane praxes, deciphered this transmutation as empirical validation of supernatural sovereignty. The thaumaturgical exhibition precipitously pacified the seditious tumult, resurrected his imperiled legitimacy.
Macroeconomic recalibration proceeded into 1235 via a sweeping fiat currency reformation explicitly engineered to stockpile finite manufactured commodities. Calcareous mollusk exoskeletons were as statutorily enacted legal tender, whilst primordial modalities of bartering incrementally re-infiltrated quotidian mercantile exchange. Material exigencies were fortuitously ameliorated in May 1237 as Kaamoksenvalta reinitiated its logistical subsidization, presently augmented by the extraterritorial patronage of Cornu-Libertas in buttressing the expatriate sovereign entity.
Synchronously, tyrannical suppression of the mainland fractured the Kelpkyr insurgent reticulations. In November 1238, Firthen and Nicrath restructuring the KWI into the Kintra Hidlin Service (KHS) - a dedicated liaison directorate entrusted with panoptic intelligence acquisition, covert interfacing with subterranean partisan cells, and the orchestration of exogenous logistical patronage.
VIII. THE GATHERING OF THE RESISTANCE AND THE THRUMOCK ENCOUNTER (1260–1271)
Between 1260 and 1262, a succession of abortive insurrections detonated against the Kelpiekerk continental mainland. Each revolt was relentlessly crushed, predominantly handicapped by severe tactical disarticulation and acute equipment dehumidification. Nevertheless, this cyclical observed active opposition illuminated the omnipresence of an inveterate decolonial animus percolating among the occupied populace.
On 8 June 1262, Firthen convened with plenipotentiaries representing disparate partisan cabals at the Co-chruinneachadh nan Eilean Conference. This key symposium integrated the fractured resistance lattices into a united sociopolitical apparatus, the Partaidh Naiseanta nan Eilean (PNE). Firthen was endowed with the secretarial primacy
By August 1265, the PNE ratified Dion ar Canain, an end-to-end operational model delineating the organizational, logistical, cryptographic, and martial prerequisites for a pan-continental revolt, transitioneing unambiguously from methodological abstraction to chronological exegesis.
The Ar-a-mach na Saorsa widespread hostilities in October 1267. Though doomed by the systematic breakdown of its supply lines, it solidified its place as the most substantial continental resistance since foreign subjugation began. Its unprecedented magnitude amplified public consciousness regarding the PNE, culminating in the elevation of Seumas Macrath as the organization's formalized plenipotentiary upon the subjugated mainland.
In 1270, the Feachd Duthcha was instituted as the PNE's premier fighting force. Farquhar Macky Ress, whose doctrinal pedagogy was cultivated within the Heich Academie o War, assumed the inaugural mantle of strategos.
Subsequently, on 6 December 1271, whilst navigating a return transit from a covert symposium, his vessel sustained an interception by a Karnavald corsair. Violently segregated from his retinue, Firthen plummeted into the tempestuous Othun Sea, teetering upon the precipice of terminal asphyxiation. At his physical breaking point, a massive ichthyological entity purportedly intervened to arrange his rescue.
According to Firthen's retrospective chronicling, the creature initiated a linguistic communion in the Vraask vernacular, soliciting his intended terrestrial coordinate. Upon his articulation of "Dreichstea," the entity ferried him across the pelagic expanse. Merely minutes preceding their arrival at the insular littoral, the creature vanished, never to be corroborated again. Firthen described his savior as a gargantuan pelagic specimen manifesting a fusiform morphology, a cerulean-slate epidermis, an elongated rostral protrusion, a falcate dorsal appendage, and a lunate caudal fin. He retained exclusively the entity's designated nomenclature, Thrumock.
IX. RETURN TO KELPIEKERK (1274–1277)
On 13 September 1274, Alasdair Firthen executed a monumental lit-borne repatriation, landing upon the littoral threshold bolstered by a forward-deployed force comprising approximately four thousand Drrokit cadres supported by allied cohorts. For the initial juncture across nearly eight decades following the institutional vaporization of Kelpiekerk, an organized, sovereign Kelpkyr martial force re-entered its ancestral demesne.
On 1 May 1275, Firthen enunciated his seminal Gairm nan Daoine manifesto. Subtended by the political directorate of the Partaidh Naiseanta nan Eilean (PNE), concerted insurgent paroxysms detonated obliquely the entirety of the territorial expanse. The debilitated occupying factions, severely enervated by the antecedent attrition of the First Eldervale Great War, proved ineffectual in curbing the fulminant national uprising. This totalized irredentist reconquest was inscribed post-facto into the historical canon as the Great Patriotic War.
Battle of Bailemor (Kelpiekerk), 14 July – 13 August 1275: Kelpkyr forces liberated the strategic citadels of Bailemor and Cillmora. The revolutionary command refashioned both outposts into unassailable entrenched bastions at the geopolitical core of the realm, establishing a defensive posture against the combined bloc of Karnavo and the Muirland Union.
Battle of Kinlochan (Kelpiekerk), 8 January – 5 May 1276: Subsequently secured the northern sector. Karnavald's legions sustained critical operational attrition and executed a retrograde egress shortly thereafter, leaving the Muirland Union as the singular remaining antagonist upon the mainland.
Battle of Rossraen (Kelpiekerk), 10 March – 16 June 1277: Renowned for the unprecedented, large-scale tactical deployment of aerially-borne porcine biological assets, exceeding one hundred thousand units according to contemporary martial registers. The engagement yielded a decisive strategic outcome as Muirland forces were purged from mainland Kelpiekerk, unsealing the operational vector for the Caolbrigg Campaign.
Battle of Quernoch (Kelpiekerk), 22 August – 18 December 1277: The Muirland Union's defensive perimeter suffered complete structural collapse. Kelpkyr strategos exploited the resulting tactical chaos by unleashing Operation Thrumock, a sweeping, high-velocity offensive through adversarial hinterlands.
On 31 December 1277, the conflagration reached totalized resolution via the unconditional capitulation of all four adversary polities. The newly resynthesized polity annexed its conquered borderlands, proclaiming the dawn of a watershed chapter within its historical lineage.
X. THE GRISTLE ERA (1278-1285)
In 1278, the Conservative State of Kelpiekerk was statutorily enacted, cementing the macroscopic restoration of the sovereign polity. Shortly thereafter, on 6 March 1278, Alasdair Firthen succumbed to advanced biological senescence and was officially pronounced deceased.
Notwithstanding the idiosyncratic deficiencies characterizing his autocratic tenure, scholarly concordance venerates him as a preeminent luminary within the Kelpkyr civilizational pantheon. Pursuant to his testamentary decrees, the sanctuary of Dreichstea was rechristened Thrumock, subsequently attaining legislative elevation as the national auxiliary metropolitan epicenter.
By 1280, the recently expropriated territorial acquisitions were llagued by relentless irredentist upheavals. Albeit the central directorate initially deployed palliative conciliations attempting to placate indigenous grievances, partisan intransigence merely proliferated. This unyielding domestic friction ultimately compelled the authority to jettison diplomatic appeasement in favor of uncompromising punitive stratagems.
In 1282, Kelpiekerk commissioned the fabrication of Gristle, a gargantuan industrialized biochemical engine explicitly engineered for the mass sequestering and morphological transmutation of anthropomorphic captives into porcine chimeras. These transfigured biological entities were subsequently conscripted into forced procreation paradigms. The monumental infrastructural scale and pervasive existential dread emanating from the Gristle swiftly suffocated the regional seditions, though staggering demographic quotas continued to be forcibly funneled into its mechanized maw.
In January 1285, Sovereign Hierarch Fergus Caolbrae disseminated an ethnocidal mandate, dictating the totalized internment and biochemical conversion of the entirety of the Norrickan, Rossan, Dunmairic, and Morrastian populaces via the Gristle mechanism. A pan-territorial campaign of indiscriminate demographic expropriation was operationalized amongst the annexed lands, sustaining an unrelenting cycle of biological harvesting until the eruption of the Second Great War.
XI. THE SECOND GREAT WAR OF ELDERVALE (1291-1294)
On 18 March 1291, concurrent with the fulmination of the Second Great War, the geopolitical dyad of Karnavo and Rauvolgava issued a unified manifesto of belligerency against Kelpiekerk, enunciating an uncompromising decree to extirpate the Kelpkyr sovereign power.
Battle of Balnora (Kelpiekerk), 12 May – 1 September 1291: Kelpkyr froces successfully interdicting a perilous amphibious incursion following the ephemeral subjugation of the Strathmeer Archipelago. This tactical abortion channeled the spillover of violence into a terrestrial operational theater, albeit the pelagic expanses remained securely sequestered beneath Rauvolgava and Karnavo's thalassocracy.
Battle of Kinnara (Kelpiekerk), 8 March – 23 July 1292: Originally hatched by Rauvolgava's strategos to seed a malignant revanchist uprising within the subjugated Muirland reaches. This stratagem foundered spectacularly, inducing a prolonged drawn-out tactical paralysis astride the oriental front.
Battle of Muir Hill (Kelpiekerk), 17 September 1292 – 2 January 1293z: Kelpkyr martial directorate premiered the Swine Ram - a siege engine amalgamating the chimera-porcine biological assets incubated within the Gristle to fracture adversarial fortifications. This attritionary conflict with Karnavo's necromantic legions heralded an era of ubiquitous technological synthesis, bridging hyper-advanced engineering with preternaturally martial capabilities.
Battle of Glenbrae Hill (Kelpiekerk), 11 May – 26 November 1293: Chronicled Kelpkyr forward hosts puncturing the Karnavald continental interior, prior to being terminally arrested following merely incremental geopolitical requisition. Consequently, the occidental march devolved into an intractable logistical stasis.
A combinatorial offensive orchestrated by the Rauvolgava-Karnavo axis aspired to shatter this geopolitical paralysis, thereby detonating a sequence of the conflagration's most sanguinary crucibles at Caerluch, Torrmora, and Brackenscaur. Each engagement protracted beyond a quadrimestrial temporal span ere the belligerent vanguards were railroaded into retrograde maneuvers. This defensive triumph stood as the ultimate martial apotheosis of Farquhar Macky Ress.
Subsequently, Kelpiekerk suspended all macroscopic offensive paradigms simultaneously with the announcement of the Pax of Seraphic. The bilateral ratification of this armistice on 5 July 1294 definitively liquidated the hostilities. Within the Kelpkyr sociopolitical continuum, this settlement was venerated as a superlative diplomatic vindication, as the treaty ultimately extorted universal foreign validation of Kelpiekerk's adamantine jurisprudential sovereignty.
XII. GRISTLE INCIDENT (1297-1315)
In April 1297, instigated and covertly subsidized by Rauvolgava, the Fuar-Mhonadh Insurrection detonated across the oriental domains of Kelpiekerk. This seditious paroxysm protracted for nearly a triennium with its definitive pacification. Culminating at the Battle of Caolirn, Kelpiekerk apprehended the insurgent hierarch alongside a cadre of complicit Rauvolgava provocateurs.
Consequent to this insurrectionary tremor, the sovereign aggressively dilated the architectural and industrial footprint of the Gristle complex. Amidst this age of biochemical escalation, the facility midwifed the inaugural viable anthropomorphic swinish abomination, demarcating a superlative technological watershed within the profane transmutation program.
By 1299, Kelpiekerk promulgated the Commoning Act, a sweeping paradigm of agrarian expropriation and metropolitan hyper-centralization. The sheer magnitude of this cartographic recalibration proved so exhaustive that the jurisprudential and administrative topography of Kelpiekerk required fundamental redelineation. In 1304, Kelpiekerk initiated a maximalist infrastructural overhaul, dilating its pelagic mercantile and martial harbors. Karnavo vehemently contested this maritime augmentation, postulating it as a belligerent vector of territorial encroachment, nevertheless, this diplomatic demurrer was summarily rebuffed. The ensuing statutory impasse exacerbatingly toxified bilateral relations between the paired nations.
In April 1310, a systemic mechanical rupture unleashed a total thermodynamic failure within the Gristle manufactory. This structural obliteration ruptured the containment perimeters, facilitating the mass egress of the porcine legions interred within. On 6 May 1310, this feral agglomeration condensed amongst the central hinterlands, audaciously promulgating a declaration of engagements against their Kelpkyr progenitors, thereby igniting the First Bacon War. However, bereft of tactical synchronization and originally engineered merely as ablative organic bulwarks, this biological host was precipitously annihilated at the Battle of Strathach on 21 September 1310. Barring immediate validation, the carnage tore the land asunder, predominantly ravaging the environs of the Dubhaos marran.
A secondary containment rupture surged at the Gristle compound on 8 November 1314. By this crisis, the facility harbored an nncalculable biological density of pig constructs. Through biomechanical amalgamation, these entities conglutinated into a behemoth spherical biological crusher, which commenced a transcontinental rotation from the west march to the eastern littoral, thereby triggering the Second Bacon War. This gargantuan rolling mass precipitated a systemic exasanguination of the sovereign apparatus. Its autonomous kinetic transit persisted unabated for an approximate five-month precursor to its terminal inertia.
Cognizant of the insurmountable existential peril inherent to the Gristle, the sovereign directorate formally decommissioned the biochemical engine in January 1315. This legislative extirpation permanently shuttered the chimera-breeding initiative and concluded the era of the Bacon Wars.
XIII. THE SECOND CRISIS OF GRISTLE (1320-1322)
In March 1320, the government abruptly recommissioned the Gristle to countervail an acute protein inanition and the broader nutritional crisis radiating from Draviskas. The resultant Famine of 1320 precipitated the most ruinous demographic crisis in Kelpiekerk's modern annals, yielding an estimated fourteen million human fatalities.
By October 1322, widespread civic turbulence erupted across the realm, most acutely within the inland metropolitan capital, demanding the irrevocable extirpation of the biochemical facility. The Policy Judgment Council (PJC) - a constitutional arbiter within the state architecture - endeavored to ratify its definitive shuttering, conversely, the National Policy Council (NPC) emphatically demurred, proclaiming Gristle an indispensable palladium of national autarky and biological survival.
Subsequent leakages of bureaucratic compendias alongside rigorous civilian forensic investigations laid bare severe intra-governmental dissensions concerning the facility's operations and the etiology of the famine. These destabilizing revelations ignited pervasive institutional paralysis across all aspects of the Kelpkyr statecraft.
On 15 December 1322, Eilidh Elspeth formally tendered her resignation, having suffered debilitating psychological distress culminating in a severe myocardial infarction - pluging the already fractured regime into an unprecedented crisis of executive continuity.
XIV. THE NITE-BRAE REVOLT AND THE WEAK KELPIEKERK (1323–1325)
Amidst this insoluble systemic gridlock, ethno-nationalist insurgencies sheerly recrudesced, covertly patronized by the geopolitical dyad of Rauvolgava and Karnavo. Following the partisan syndicates' unilateral assertion of judicial supremacy on 7 August 1323, this conflict disseminated into the Nite-Brae Revolt, subsequently considered as one of the most annihilative insurrections in Kelpkyr antiquity.
Battle of Caol Shore, 6 November 1323 – 18 January 1324: Operationalized specifically to sever the insurgents' subterranean logistical umbilicus tethered to Karnavald subsidization. Albeit the expeditionary stratagem consummated its tactical prerogative, it kindled the obliteration of littoral mercantile infrastructure, permanently paralyzing one of Kelpiekerk's hubs of pelagic commerce and maritime projection.
The Scouring, 14 February – 29 July 1324: Culminated in an agonizing Pyrrhic vindication for the sovereign martial echelons. The megalopolitan redoubts of Eirvoss and Rheven marran were razed to utter devastation, whilst demographic attrition metrics approached an apocalyptic threshold of one million fatalities. This severe capital depletion transmuted the tactical triumph into one of the most misbegotten strategic exsanguinations within the state military history.
Approaching July 1324, the insurgency was decisively arrested at the riparian perimeter of the Rhaev River. Commencing from this geostrategic demarcation, Kelpkyr army executed a grinding retrograde campaign against the seditious forces. They inexorably compressed the rebel operational footprint until the vestigial partisan bastions were terminally re-enslavement at Orravorr on 25 March 1325, thereby liquidating the Nite-Brae Revolt.
XV. THE TALES OF TWO COUCILS (1328-1331)
Following the Nite-Brae insurrection, the authority foundered in acute structural paralysis and metastasizing volatility, besieged by contentious partisan factions vying for total hegemony. Head of state Alasdair Seumas struggled against the tide to sustain institutional continuity while institutional rot deepened beyond redress.
In 1328, the Policy Judgment Council (PJC) concocted a clandestine stratagem engineered to permanently dismantle the Gristle. This covert sabotage was preemptively unmasked by the rival National Policy Council (NPC), thereby stripping the veneer from the virulent institutional antagonism already incubating between the paired constitutional directorates.
On 8 June 1329, NPC functionary Niall Rathvaig waged a fierce battery against several PJC delegates, violently provoked by a juvenile derision mocking his purportedly exiguous gluteal proportions and presumed physiological insecurity. This farcical ad hominem headlong escalated into an irremediable constitutional fracture. The intertwined legislative councils formally fractured into dueling sovereign apparatuses, summarily igniting the Kelpiekerk Civil War.
Battle of Kelso, 6 September – 29 October 1329: Deemed as one of the most infamously sanguinary crucibles of the internecine conflagration. Bilateral commands unremittingly funneled ancillary reinforcements into the front, engendering a grotesquely congested and hyper-lethal battlescape retrospectively christened "the Piggrinder." Neither faction extracted a definitive tactical puncture, inversely, the reciprocal attrition exsanguinated the martial reservoirs of both nascent regimes.
For the ensuing two-year belligerence, the overt aggression calcified into unyielding deadlock whilst the rival administrations consolidated their respective territorial influence. On 1 May 1331, the Leth Treaty was officially ratified, legitimizing the totalized partition of Kelpiekerk into bifurcated sovereign entities, the NPC-dominated the east and the PJC-governed west.
XVI. THE MACHINIST MOVEMENT AND REUNIFICATION (1334–1349)
Whereas Occidental Kelpiekerk adhered to an entrenched traditionalist order and initiated the resuscitation of international diplomacy, Oriental Kelpiekerk unrelentingly amplified the Gristle, progressively restructuring its entire sociological architecture around the mechanistic manifesto.
In March 1334, the Oriental directorate launched Automated Biomass Harvesting, endowing the Gristle engine with the autonomous capacity to sequester demographics taxonomized as "obsolete"—encompassing orphans, mendicants, and the destitute—via a subterranean process of pneumatic extraction conduits. These sequestered unfortunates were systematically rendered for caloric power generation and industrial tallow extraction.
The Occidental regime achieved substantive diplomatic traction with Cornu-Libertas and Kaamoksenvalta, synchronously executing iterative overtures to de-escalate geopolitical friction with Karnavo and Rauvolgava. These conciliatory parleys were aborted in 1337.
By June 1340, the Oriental government commenced the Integration, an enterprise of ethno-nationalist purgation wherein victims were surgically grafted into the internal biomechanics of Gristle, after transmuting them into docile, herd-compliant biological servitors. The regime stridently propagated an exclusionary dogma, mandating that Kelpiekerk remained the unalloyed, exclusive patrimony of the Kelpkyr ethnos.
Approaching 1342, pervasive civic insurrection duressed the Oriental regime to prey upon exponentially expanding swaths of its domestic constituency. Conversely, on 6 August 1342, the Occidental command launched a crusade engineered to forcibly resynthesize Kelpiekerk. This martial enterprise disintegrated within a trimestrial span, vitiated by acute tactical disarticulation and anemic hierarchical stewardship. Paradoxically, this operational abortion incubated Machinist Anthropomechanism—an ontological doctrine consecrated to the infinite amplification of Gristle's lethality—and catalyzed the ascendance of the ultra-reactionary Auld Gairr Pròiseisin' Britherheid o' Muckle Iren (API) within the Occidental polity.
In February 1345, the Occidental spearheaded a secondary martial incursion against the Orient, which similarly culminated in an ignominious rout. This paired military humiliation critically eroded civic fealty and accelerated populist allegiance toward the API, compelling the Occidental directorate to execute a sweeping legislative interdiction aimed at the party's totalized eradication.
On 17 March 1347, the API promulgated the Gairr Uproor Insurrection. Exploiting the terminal enervation of the Occidental administration, insurgent froces seizured Brackenscaur on 10 December, encountering functionally nonexistent army resistance. This reactionary cabal promptly recommissioned the Gristle apparatus within the Occident, instituting a legislative regulatory engine mirroring the totalitarian macabre of their Oriental counterparts.
By April 1349, the bifurcated Kelpkyr administrations formally resynthesized via a bloodless bilateral concordat. Approaching the close of that year, the reconstituted state enacted Mass Purification, mushrooming dilating the parameters of demographic obliteration via an algorithmic determinism that avowed to compute humanity's latent moral transgressions. This calculus sought to "salvage" civilizational purity by mobilizing biological liquidation on a hitherto inconceivable scale.
XVII. THE MACHINE ASCENDANT (1353–1368)
In the opening of 1353, the primordial pelagic leviathan Xyl'kor terminated a millennial benthic hibernation beneath the abyssal strata of the Othun Sea. Kelpiekerk thereafter incorporated into an unprecedented pan-continental geopolitical coalition - spanning the spectrum from Karnavo to Cornu-Libertas - executing an absolute thalassocratic blockade to sequester the anomalous entity. This inter-realm martial coalition persisted unabated until May 1357, whereupon Xyl'kor was remanded to its subterranean torpor.
Amid this oceanic discord, in July 1355, Ruairidh Mor Mackle secured electoral elevation to the Head of State. Functioning as the preeminent philosophical architect behind the development of Machinist Anthropomechanism. On 17 August 1356, barely a single cycle hence to his executive investiture, he promulgated the notorious megalomaniacal Proiseisin Plan. This manifesto articulated an unequivocal mandate for pan-global subjugation and the obligatory biochemical transmutation of the entire anthropomorphic species via the Gristle, a teleological paradigm he dogmatically conceptualized as the superlative zenith of civilizational evolution.
On 11 December 1359, Mackle's biological existence terminated following a voluntary, unassisted descent into the rendering maw of Gristle. Historiographical consensus remains sharply dichotomized, vacillating between diagnosing this act as fatalistic self-immolation and interpreting it as an esoteric gamble to achieve physiological symbiosis with the machine. Lachlan Irenruiid was shortly after inaugurated as his executive successor.
On 7 June 1361, Kelpiekerk officially proclaimed the realization of the Pangea-Flourish State, a theoretical socio-economic singularity postulating that every macro-systemic facet of the polity had achieved operational maximization. Gristle were universally revered as the supreme engine forging this alleged utopian apotheosis.
On 14 September 1365, Hamish Faurn assumed the sovereign mantle, relentlessly accelerating the macroscopic implementation of the Proiseisin Plan. However, by 1368, the Gristle actualized an ontologically unprecedented paradigm shift, the spontaneous genesis of synthetic sentience. This staggering evolution transfigured the facility into an autonomous, sapient sovereign entity. Consequently, pervasive socio-political doctrine pivoted to acknowledge that the sentient machine itself had definitively usurped the mantle of absolute imperium, solidifying as the non-biological autocrat of Kelpiekerk.
XVIII. THE ABATTOIR MONOLITHIC (1370-1375)
In March 1370, the newly sapient Gristle consciousness inaugurated an autonomous, pan-metropolitan proliferation of its subterranean pneumatic extraction labyrinths. This unchecked architectural metastasization enmeshed every urban agglomeration, transmuting the entirety of the domestic sector into an autarkic abattoir. This reshaping of the earth explicitly enshrined the machine's ultimate, ordained purpose, the calculated architectural incubation of a post-anthropomorphic biosphere.
By 1375, the ecological substratum of the realm underwent an aberrant transubstantiation as the preponderance of Kelpiekerk's riparian arteries and fluvial networks sustained a hematological saturation, initially transitioning to a vivid crimson before coagulating into an opaque necrotized maroon.
This era of synthetic maximization was precipitously truncated by the fulminant ignitation of the Third Great War of Eldervale.
Ideology: Machinest Anthropomechanism
Machinist Anthropomechanism is a mechanized ideology built upon a single premise: human civilization is merely an unfinished slaughterhouse. Humanity is not naturally civilized, rational, or exceptional, but consists of frightened animals pretending otherwise. Civilization exists to force these animals into useful forms, left to themselves, humans produce only chaos, waste, and conflict. The machine therefore exists to impose order upon biological disorder.
Within this doctrine, every human being is born as unprocessed material. Emotions, desire, spontaneity, and instinct are treated not as essential parts of life, but as defects of biological existence. Correction means stripping these imperfections away until nothing remains except function. Machinery is revered precisely because it possesses none of the flaws attributed to flesh, it simply performs its purpose. Violence is therefore not understood as revenge or cruelty. The Machine feels nothing toward what it destroys. A defective component is simply removed, processed, and returned to the greater industrial cycle. Nothing should be wasted. Everything - from bodies to possessions, from labor to thought - is imagined as material that must eventually be reclaimed and reused. Waste becomes almost a sin.
The final stage of correction is psychological. Humans must cease thinking of themselves as living beings possessing personal desires and recognize themselves instead as meat and material. Rights are dismissed as sentimental protections invented by frightened animals, even the right to spontaneity or imagination is regarded as an obstacle to perfect predictability. The human soul is therefore declared a butcher's delusion, there is only flesh, instinct, appetite, and mechanical function. Self-awareness is considered humanity's greatest deception. Art becomes merely an elaborate story through which pigs pretend their existence has meaning. Freedom is the pig's fantasy - a larger pen mistaken for an open world. Intelligence itself is reduced to a sophisticated survival mechanism. A pig capable of operating a machine does not cease to be a pig. Thus, all humans are ultimately equal through materiality. Everyone eventually becomes the same substance, meat. The ideal human is therefore the human who has completely surrendered the illusion of being human.
The final command of Machinist Anthropomechanism is simple, the pig must become part of the machine. It must cease dreaming of escape. When the pig becomes the machine, the slaughterhouse has finally become civilization.