Ben
Hearing Bryce say that we were free to sleep around with whoever hurt me more than when my ex, Lenn, broke up with me and not provide a reason why. But despite how I feel for him, he was right. We aren't boyfriends and we're not exclusive.
Even though I fought with all my resolve to keep this statement to myself, my mouth uttered them anyway.
"Funny," I said to him, "You always said that I am the type that sleeps around with any guy. But here you are doing that with any girl."
"Shut the fuck up," Bryce yelled, "Don't you dare turn this around on me."
"Even though," I said, unable to hold back my tears any longer, "You're giving me permission to sleep around, I still won't do it. Because you're the only one for me. I have you. Why would I need anyone else?"
Bryce
Hearing Ben say that was tearing me up inside. I knew he was getting his hopes up but he had to realize what I told him.
"I've told you, Ben," I said, looking him in the eye, "I am not gay. I like girls. And if you're not ok with me having a girlfriend, then whatever this is between us is over." I set my bag down and got my night clothes to take a shower. Once I closed the bathroom door, I leaned against the door and what I heard made me feel worse than I already had felt.
I heard Ben crying. "I'm sorry, Ben." I set my hand against the door, fighting the urge to go back out there and hold him in my arms. Truth was, I enjoyed being with Ben as well as Fae. But ultimately, in the end, one of them would be hurt.
After my shower, Ben was already in bed and he was facing away from me. I couldn't take my eyes off him the entire night. I felt shitty because I had no reason to be angry at him and I don't blame him for being distant. I knew his feelings towards me, but I wasn't even sure where mine were for him and I was scared to even go there.
Ben
I set my alarm to wake me up at five in the morning. I didn't want to see him after our argument the other night. I was ready and out the door by six and he was still asleep. Good, the less time we spend together, the easier it'll be to end it.
I sat at the student lounge for a couple hours, contemplating on what I should do. That is until an annoyingly cheery voice called to me.
"Hey bestie," Lee said, "What's wrong? You seem off today."
"I'm just waiting for class," I told him, "I wanted to get an early start on some things."
"Didn't you hear," Lee replied, "Class was cancelled. Didn't you get the text?"
I checked my phone and saw I had 16 missed texts. One was the text Lee mentioned and another was from Techno asking me what's wrong with Bryce today.
The other fourteen messages were from Bryce.
I'm sorry about last night. Can we talk?
I know you're mad at me and you have every right to be. But I do want to make this work. Here's how:
Bryce sent me an article titled "10 Simple Rules On How to Successfully Maintain a Casual Relationship"
Think about it please. Especially Rule #6.
I read the rules and the one Bryce mentioned stated If your partner wants a real relationship, but not with you, let it go and don't cause drama.
Let's talk tonight, please. I don't want what we have to end like this. You mean a lot to me.
"Ok," Lee said as he put his arm around my shoulder, "What's wrong? You've been acting like some heartbroken BL male lead and it's not like you. You can always talk to me Ben."
As much as I wanted to confide in Lee, he would say that I am crazy to continue anything with Bryce. But here I am at a crossroads and wondering if we should call it quits or just be one of those gay guys who are the side pieces to straight guys with girlfriends.
Bryce
Ben has been on my mind all day. I sent him plenty of messages and even forwarded that article I found to him, all in the hopes that we can still keep whatever it was we had. For the first time since we started sleeping together I laid myself bare emotionally to him. I truly meant that I didn't want us to end.
As far as people who I value, Techno was always my number one on top of that list. Now, it's Ben. I also found an article about sexuality struggles. It said that it was perfectly natural for straight males to have a male friend where romantic feelings can emerge and that there's no shame in acting on it. While a part of me called that part bullshit, the other part of me resonated with those words.
The worst part was, aside from Ben, I had no one to talk to about this. Not even Techno.
"What's wrong with you today?" Speak of the devil.
"What do you mean?" I asked Techno.
"Did you have a fight with Ben again?" he asked.
"Do you have my dorm bugged or something?"
Techno sighed and said, "I'm sorry. It's my fault."
"What do you mean," I asked him, "How is it your fault?"
"I told him about you and Fae." Techno winced as if expecting me to deal a deathblow.
"Ok and?"
Techno relaxed and was surprised by my reaction. "You're not mad at me for it?"
"Why should I be," I responded, "Ben and I aren't dating. Besides, we can date whoever we want."
"Well that's good," Techno said, "Now maybe he'll get over you."
Techno's statement hit me like someone shot an arrow with a red hot barbed tip straight to my heart.
"Shame though," he continued, "You two seem so in sync with each other and lately you both are really happy together."
"What are you implying, Noah?"
"Look," Techno responded, "I know you're not gay, but if by some chance, you and Ben were together, I'd be happy for you. I'm your best friend and I love you. So whoever you chose to have a relationship with, whether it's Ben or Fae, as long as you're happy, I'll still be here. Backing you up whenever you need me."
With Techno telling me this, I was tempted to come clean and tell him about us but I wasn't even sure where Ben and I stood. Even now, I fear I may have destroyed what we had.
"I gotta go," I said, "But one thing."
I grabbed Techno's bag and threw it across the hall.
"Love you too, dipshit."
I returned to the dorm and found it empty. I stood by his gaming desk, wishing he were there. I wanted to kiss him so bad.
"What's wrong with me?" I asked myself.
"Yeah," Ben said, scaring the hell out of me, "What is wrong with you? Talking to yourself like a crazy person."
Ben emerged from the bathroom, drying off his hair, wearing nothing but his boxers.
I reach for his hand and hold it with both of mine. "I want to start off by saying I'm sorry for how I reacted last night. You're right I should've told you that I met Fae and it wasn't right that I hid it from you."
"I'm sorry too," he said, "I'm sorry I acted like a jealous boyfriend when we're not."
"Have you thought about it," I asked him, "About the article I sent?"
Ben sighed and said, "I have. And even though I may not like it, I'll do it. That way, we can stay in each other's lives and not complicate things between us."
"You don't have to, if you don't want to."
"But," Ben said, "I want to keep you in my life. I love you, Bryce. You're the only one I want and I can't imagine my life without you in it. So if this is the only way to keep you in my life, then I'll do it. When I'm horny, I just fuck you and blow off some steam, and when you're horny, just let me know."
"So," I proceeded to ask, "Are we good?"
Ben nodded silently and I was immediately relieved. I caressed his cheek with my hand and kissed him. Even though we now have an arrangement, I couldn't stop feeling guilty.
I texted Fae, Hey Beautiful, are you free tomorrow during lunch?
Always free for you. She replied along with a heart eyed smiley emoji.
As much as her response made me smile, the guilt was still crushing me. A part of me knew why and it made me wonder how I could be capable of cheating. But the question that came to mind is, who am I cheating on? Ben or Fae?