The path leading to the Emerald Peaks wasn't just steep; it was severely congested with the worst kind of traffic: protagonist wannabes.
'This surely brings back memories.'
Mordecai, fully immersed in his Kaitoyama electrician persona, adjusted his tool belt and sighed. The lower slopes of the mountain were a chaotic mess of poorly optimized combat encounters.
Fifty yards ahead, a party of incredibly flashy adventurers was fighting a relatively basic Armored Cliff-Gargoyle. They were beautiful. Their armor was gleaming, their hair defied gravity keeping the haircut perfect, and they were treating a mid-tier mob fight like the finale of a blockbuster movie.
"Behold the power of my ancestors!" the lead swordsman screamed, doing a completely unnecessary triple backflip that took three business days and probably caused a headache. "[CRIMSON LOTUS BLADE OF THE HEAVENLY DRAGON'S ROAR!]" He screamed.
His sword glowed with the intensity of a dying sun and he swung it down with all his might. The Gargoyle didn't even flinch. It simply raised a stony backhand and swatted the swordsman like a mildly annoying mosquito.
SMACK.
"GYAAAAH!" the hero screamed, rocketing off the side of the mountain and disappearing into the clouds like a shooting star. His party members immediately started crying and yelling his name, completely dropping their guard before the Gargoyle punted them off the cliff as well.
"Inefficient," Mordecai muttered, pulling down the brim of his cap. "Too much wind-up animation. Zero spatial awareness."
"Baka! Don't just stand there looking like an old man!" Pyroetta complained loudly, stomping her boots in the mud. "Are we going to fight that ugly rock-thing or what? My dress is getting dirty!"
"We walk around it," Mordecai replied under his breath, keeping his raspy Kaitoyama voice.
As they bypassed the distracted Gargoyle, Mordecai noticed a figure sitting on a boulder near the edge of the trail. It was the quiet, blonde boy with the staff he had seen in the Silver Dragon guild hall some time ago.
The kid looked absolutely miserable. He was staring at the ground, sighing heavily, radiating an aura of severe clinical depression and questionable browser history. He didn't even look up as the flashy adventurers were yeeted into the stratosphere.
Mordecai narrowed his eyes. 'System,' Mordecai thought. 'That blonde kid over there... the one who looks like he suffers from severe erectile dysfunction and chronic boredom. How much do you want to bet that he's the "chosen one" who will suddenly step in and save everyone at the last second with some overpowered, completely unearned spell?'
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: PROBABILITY IS 99.8%. HE IS CURRENTLY IN HIS 'TRAUMA ARC'. HE WILL LIKELY AWAKEN A GOD-TIER WATER SPELL IF HE SEES A FEMALE COMPANION GET SCRATCHED.]
Mordecai shook his head in disgust. 'This world's recruitment algorithm is broken.'
He looked further up the trail. The mountain was crawling with clichés.
"Look at that idiot hanging off the ledge," Mordecai whispered to Pyroetta, gesturing to a very familiar young adventurer with an eyepatch who had just slipped down a ravine. "I guarantee you, he'll survive the fall, eat raw monster meat, invent a magical revolver, and come back to the surface with a vampire loli discovered in a hidden dungeon to become the ultimate edgelord."
Pyroetta scoffed, hiding her face behind a twintail. "Pathetic."
"And don't get me started on those guys," Mordecai continued, pointing to a lone figure in a black hoodie standing in the distance, aggressively staring at a floating blue screen and whispering the word 'Arise' to a dead mountain goat. "The ones who just want to level up alone. They're a logistical nightmare. No teamwork, no corporate synergy, just an ego trip with a necromancy complex. Moreover, what's the point in being the strongest?"
"Should I vaporize them, Boss?" Pyroetta asked, a hint of genuine murderous intent leaking through her tsundere act.
"No," Mordecai said, resuming his heavy, tired footsteps up the mountain trail. "We ignore them. The System wants us to engage in meaningless, flashy battles to boost viewer retention, but we are running a business. Always remember, Pyroetta: when the fights are very long and highly detailed, it usually means the plot is almost non-existent."
He adjusted his toolbelt, stepping over the discarded, oversized sword of a fallen hero. "We are here for real estate," Mordecai declared. "Not filler."
"Baka! Kaitoyama! My legs can't take this anymore! Why do we have to climb this stupid mountain on foot?!" Pyroetta shrieked, seamlessly returning to her role, her voice echoing off the jagged cliffs.
Mordecai wiped a drop of fake sweat from his forehead, adjusting his worn electrician's cap. "It's for the immersion, Princess," he muttered, his voice carrying the tired, raspy tone of a middle-aged wage slave.
He leaned in closer, dropping the act for a fraction of a second so only she could hear. "If we teleported to the top, Elara and the guild scouts would notice the lack of physical wear and tear. Furthermore, the System's engagement metrics demand a 'struggle.' The viewers want to see the sweat. It's a tedious demographic."
[SYSTEM NOTICE: VIEWER RETENTION HAS INCREASED BY 1.2% DUE TO HEAVY BREATHING AND TSUNDERE COMPLAINING. KEEP IT UP, EDGELORD.]
Mordecai rolled his eyes. As they continued their ascent, he tapped into his internal communication network. It was time to optimize his passive income.
'Ugo,' Mordecai called out telepathically.
Instantly, the crisp, spectral voice of his Head Archivist echoed in his mind.
'I am here, my Leader. Fort Blackstone is currently operating at 87% efficiency. The new interns are weeping, but the moat has never looked cleaner. How may I assist your hostile takeover of the mountain?'
'I don't need help here,' Mordecai replied mentally. 'But while I was at the Silver Dragon guild, I scanned the S-Rank quest board. There are three anomalies the Kingdom is terrified of: The Abyssal Chasm of Torment, the Labyrinth of the Flayed King, and the Volcano of Endless Agony.'
'Ah, yes. Calamity-level threats. Shall I dispatch Cassandra to draft a cease-and-desist to the Dungeon Cores?'
'No. Too much paperwork,' Mordecai thought, a cold smile forming on his lips. 'Send Larry.'
There was a brief, rare pause on Ugo's end. 'my Leader... Larry is a janitorial skeleton. You wish to send him alone into three S-Rank death traps?'
'He has Custodial Rage now,' Mordecai explained, his business logic flawless. 'Tell him the dungeon floors in the Abyssal Chasm are incredibly sticky. Tell him the Flayed King hasn't dusted his labyrinth in four millennia. He will handle it. I need him to harvest the Boss Cores and any unique biological materials.'
'For the treasury, my Liege?'
'No. For my diet,' Mordecai stated flatly. 'If I consume high-density anomalous matter, the System will be forced to process the dietary violation by granting me broken, compensating skills. It's basic asset liquidation through digestion. Have Larry bring me the loot. Efficiency, Ugo.'
'Brilliant as always, my Leader. I shall inform Larry immediately.'
In his mind's eye, Mordecai could almost see the little skeleton pausing his moat-cleaning, his eye sockets flaring with crimson hate as Ugo informed him about the "sticky floors" of the Abyss. Larry grabbed two polished silver spoons, his posture shifting into that of a silent, undead apex predator, and marched out of the fort.
'Clack Clack.' Larry's steps echoed in his mind.
He was happy that his master gave him a new mission, but at the same time he was sad because he didn't show him the polished spoons yet, so he took this mission as a chance to make his master satisfied.
'That handles the passive grinding,' Mordecai thought, returning his attention to the present.
Mordecai and Pyroetta kept walking until they had finally reached the summit.
The peak was a massive, flat plateau of obsidian rock. In the center sat a colossal nest made of uprooted ancient pines, shattered adventurer armor, and glittering piles of hoarded gold. Resting atop it was the Emerald Wyvern.
It was majestic. Its scales shimmered like polished gemstones, and its wingspan could eclipse the sun. It was currently chewing on the remains of a dire bear, but as Mordecai and Pyroetta stepped onto the plateau, it snapped its massive reptilian head toward them.
The Wyvern stood up to its full height, its throat glowing with toxic green energy. It opened its jaws to unleash a roar that would shatter their eardrums and melt their flesh.
Mordecai did not draw a sword or cast a magic shield. He dropped the "tired Kaitoyama" posture entirely.
He stood up straight, his violet eye flaring with authoritative power. He reached into his overalls and pulled out a spectral measuring tape and a clipboard.
"Hold it right there," Mordecai's voice boomed. It wasn't loud, but it possessed a baritone frequency that commanded absolute obedience. "Do you have a building permit for this nest?"
The Wyvern paused, its jaw hanging open, a wisp of green smoke leaking from its teeth.
"Because according to the municipal zoning laws that I just drafted in my head," Mordecai continued, walking casually toward the towering beast, "this is a designated high-altitude luxury residential zone. You are violating the noise ordinance, and you are severely delinquent on your property taxes."
The Wyvern let out a confused, guttural growl and lunged forward, deciding to just eat the annoying human.
Mordecai snapped his fingers.
[NEW SKILL ACTIVATED: RESTRAINING ORDER OF THE SKIES]
[TARGET: EMERALD WYVERN.]
[EFFECT: TARGET IS LEGALLY PROHIBITED FROM ELEVATING MORE THAN 2 METERS OFF THE GROUND DUE TO LACK OF AVIATION INSURANCE AND THIRD-PARTY LIABILITY COVERAGE.]
A barrage of glowing red tape shot out of the ether, wrapping around the Wyvern's massive wings. The beast shrieked in anger and tried to take flight, but the moment its talons left the ground, a massive, spectral gavel materialized in the sky and slammed down on its head.
BONK.
[PENALTY APPLIED: 5,000 MANA DRAINED FOR AIRSPACE INFRINGEMENT.]
The Wyvern crashed back into its nest, shaking its head dizzily. It tried to spit a torrent of acid at Mordecai.
"Unprovoked assault on a corporate officer," Mordecai sighed. "[Paperwork Avalanche]."
Thousands of triplicates, tax returns, and environmental impact assessments surged from Mordecai's shadow, burying the Wyvern's head. The acid melted the first few hundred pages, but the bureaucracy was infinite. The beast choked on non-disclosure agreements and liability waivers.
"Pyroetta," Mordecai said calmly. "File a motion to dismiss."
Pyroetta dropped her tsundere act instantly. Her twintails seemed to sharpen into blades as she materialized her black-flame notebook. "With pleasure, Boss."
She snapped her fingers. A concentrated, surgical beam of black fire shot from the sky, instantly incinerating the Wyvern's tail and the toxic gland located within it.
The beast roared in agony, collapsing under the weight of the spectral paperwork and its own legal insolvency. Its HP bar dropped to 1%. It was over.
But the System, desperate to salvage its anime-fantasy demographic, intervened.
[SYSTEM ALERT: CRITICAL DAMAGE DETECTED. ENEMY 'EMERALD WYVERN' HAS SURRENDERED.]
[INITIATING HIDDEN MECHANIC: HAREM ROUTE - MONSTER GIRL TAMING!]
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: HIGHER REALMS DEMANDED FOR A MONSTER GIRL WAIFU.]
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Mordecai groaned, rubbing his temples.
The massive, terrifying reptile was suddenly engulfed in a blinding, pink-and-gold light. The heavy, dramatic battle music abruptly shifted to a bubbly, upbeat J-pop idol track.
The light faded. Sitting in the center of the ruined nest was no longer a colossal beast, but a girl.
She had long, flowing emerald-green hair, cute little dragon horns, a scaly tail, and absolutely ridiculous proportions.
She was wearing what could only be described as a "scale-mail bikini" that covered perhaps 5% of her total surface area.
The wyvern girl looked up at Mordecai with large, tear-filled, reptilian eyes.
"P-Please don't hurt me, Master!" she squeaked, her voice impossibly high-pitched. "I yield! I will serve you forever! I can be your mount, your servant, or your... anything!"
[TRANSMISSION: HIGHER REALMS CHAT - LIVE FEED]
ANIME_GOONER_99: "YES!!! MONSTER GIRL WAIFU ACQUIRED! DRAGON GIRL BEST GIRL!"
SCALY_LOVER_42: "LOOK AT THOSE ASSETS! THOSE HORNS! BREEDING ARC CONFIRMED! 10/10 MASTERPIECE!"
NTR_Lover69: "She belongs to the Edgelord now! Nick is missing out on all the best girls!"
Mordecai stared at her. He looked at the giant pile of gold she had been hoarding. He looked back at her lack of clothing.
"You are an absolute logistical disaster," Mordecai stated coldly. "You have no armor, you speak like a toddler, and calling me 'Master' implies a feudal relationship, which is a gross violation of modern labor laws. You are an employee. And this is a workplace."
He raised his hand.
"[Skill Activated: Strategic Fanservice Redaction]."
A pulse of dull, grey corporate energy washed over the dragon girl. The scale-mail bikini vanished. In its place, a crisp, tailored, navy-blue uniform materialized. It featured a knee-length pencil skirt, a button-down white blouse buttoned all the way to the collar, a matching navy blazer, and a very tasteful silk scarf tied neatly around her neck. Her wild emerald hair was instantly forced into a neat, professional French twist. A name tag pinned to her lapel read: "VERA - AVIATION LOGISTICS."
Vera blinked, looking down at her new attire. "W-What is this? Where is my Seductive Dragon Armor?"
"That was an OSHA violation," Mordecai replied. "You are now the Head of Aviation Logistics for Ravenloft Holdings. Your duties include transporting VIPs, managing aerial cargo, and ensuring our airspace is free of unauthorized heroes. You will address me as 'CEO' or 'Boss'."
[TRANSMISSION: HIGHER REALMS CHAT - LIVE FEED]
HORNY_MAIN: "NOOOOO! HE DID IT AGAIN! HE TURNED THE DRAGON WAIFU INTO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT! SHE'S FULLY CLOTHED! MY IMMERSION IS RUINED!"
LUKAS_THE_GREAT: "AHAHAAH! 'Aviation Logistics'. This guy just invented Delta Airlines in a fantasy world. Pure kino."
LEGAL_EAGLE_UNDEAD: "The scarf was a nice touch. Very professional."
"I... Aviation Logistics? What's that?" Vera repeated, her bubbly demeanor fading into a look of professional realization. She stood up, smoothing her skirt. "Do I... get a dental plan?"
"After a 90-day probationary period," Mordecai confirmed. "Now, grab your hoard. We are liquidating it to fund the new branch office."
"Yes, Boss!" Vera saluted, her tail wagging beneath her skirt in a surprisingly efficient manner.
Two hours later, Kaitoyama, Pyroetta, and their newly appointed Head of Aviation Logistics walked through the wooden double doors of The Silver Dragon's Golden Dawn guild hall.
Vera had seamlessly adapted to her role. She carried a sleek, black briefcase containing a single Wyvern scale (as proof of the kill) and walked one step behind Mordecai, her posture impeccable.
The guild hall fell dead silent. The adventurers stared in disbelief at the tired electrician and his two stunning "attendants."
Before Mordecai could even reach the counter, the reception desk blurred. Elara came vaulting over the wood, her eyes wide, her face flushed with unhealthy levels of adoration.
"KAITOYAMA-SAN! YOU SURVIVED!" Elara shrieked, launching herself through the air for a full-body tackle. "Let me inspect your calloused hands! Let me heal your manly fatigue!"
Mordecai didn't even flinch. He just kept walking.
Vera stepped smoothly into Elara's flight path. With the graceful, practiced movement of a seasoned flight attendant handling a drunk passenger, Vera raised one hand and caught Elara by the face, stopping her momentum instantly.
"Good afternoon, Ma'am," Vera said, her voice perfectly modulated, pleasant, and utterly devoid of empathy. "We apologize for the inconvenience, but the CEO is currently not accepting unscheduled physical contact. If you wish to request an audience, please take a ticket and return to your designated seating area."
Elara muffled a scream against Vera's palm.
Pyroetta, fully in character, stomped her foot. "Hmph! See?! Even the new intern knows you're trash! Stay away from my servant, Baka!"
Mordecai stepped up to the counter, casually dropping the Wyvern scale on the wood. "Quest complete," he said to the stunned guildmaster standing behind the desk. "I'll take the 50,000 gold in a cashier's check, if you please. And tell your staff to respect the perimeter."
As the guild erupted into chaotic whispers about the electrician who tamed a dragon, Mordecai checked his System interface.
[QUEST COMPLETED: WYVERN EXTERMINATION.]
[FUNDS ACQUIRED. REAL ESTATE ACQUIRED.]
[UGO HAS ALREADY SENT WORKERS TO BUILD A LUXURY HOME]
[NOTICE: LARRY HAS ENTERED THE ABYSSAL CHASM OF TORMENT.]
Mordecai smiled. The real work was just beginning.