Blood was dripping out of my hand, as I stared at my dead mother's remains.
Only horror remained within me.
I couldn't comprehend it! It was just a regular day! But then that white flash, that black shadow!
No, not a shadow!
He!
He killed her!
Just… just as we were free of him! Just as we were becoming happy again! And he…
HE!!!
I… I couldn't anymore.
Everything I had become. Everything I lost. Everything I hoped for. Everything I lived for.
Was now dead and dying.
I felt it.
The insurmountable fear.
My very being was unraveling.
Just as he wanted. That's why he left me alive.
I was at his mercy again. I was completely paralyzed. I couldn't do anything anymore.
I was once again like a bug trapped in that tyrant's web.
And it was only a matter of time before he would come to claim my soul.
Then there will truly be nothing left of me.
Only his useful tool.
One of his masterpieces.
And the worst part of it all, the thing I realized now…
That he had always intended this. My rebellion had always been part of his calculations. It would always have ended like this.
None of the choices I believed I had made had truly been my own , but choices he had orchestrated for me.
So that I would finish my conditioning by my very own hand. That had always been his signature, after all.
…Alright then.
It… it's better than feeling this way.
Ironically, I now finally understood the lesson he always tried to instill in me about that. That it was better not to feel.
…I gave up.
The effects were immediate.
My green eyes dimmed.
All the fear and everything else began to slowly disappear, finally granting me peace.
…So why then?
Why did my heart keep beating so fast?
What… what was this feeling that remained?
…Blue?
…Love?
Then it happened.
A miracle.
I could sense it again.
The devil's contract I had made with myself.
The one I had signed at the cost of my very soul.
The switch to my very being.
The one I had permanently flipped.
I could grasp it again.
And flip it back.
At the cost of these two years of happiness.
For if I did…
I knew I could win. Survive. Avenge her.
Kill him, for all that he had done to me and everyone I cared about.
My soul burned. My will ignited.
I had made my choice.
I grasped the switch again.
And to find the courage to flip it once again, I performed my last rites.
…I'm sorry Elise… Ken.
I've left so much unsaid between us. You barely know anything about me.
And yet, you've still become friends with me.
Thank you so much. That alone has already made these years heaven on earth for me.
So… so once you see what I'll become, what I'm truly like, I hope… I hope that you'll eventually give up on me and find happiness again.
That… that you will forget about me.
Just as I will forget you two.
…Alright.
It's time.
Farewell… everyone.
I flipped the switch!
But as I did…
Something impossible occurred.
Elise flashed through my mind.
Everything stopped.
The switch got stuck halfway.
My soul broke.
My mind went blank.
…
My eyes regained their light.
Something slowly grew within me.
My body moved again.
Because I wasn't in control anymore.
Only fear was.
And the lie that is me.
***
Jack Sporo's POV: 20 minutes earlier
"I mean, if that teacher could explain things well I might begin to understand it, but he is so boring."
"Yeah, having that teacher on Friday afternoon really makes me almost fall asleep."
In the backseat of my car, Elise and Ken were discussing the Advanced Placement math lesson we just had while I was driving us back to the town we live.
Since I recently got my driver's license and bought this cheap, used, brown but still reliable Honda SUV, they started carpooling with me and paying for the gasoline.
Taking the car sure beats taking that overcrowded bus from town to school, and our trips home were way more fun since we're able to talk more comfortably with each other.
"But Jack really fell asleep during the lesson, you know! And he still understands everything! It's so unfair!"
Did… did Elise just slander me!? I somehow couldn't bear hearing that from her…
"I already know everything, you know. I look up and study everything online beforehand. So unlike you, I can afford to take a nice and rejuvenating nap during boring lectures."
"Why even come to school then, huh, if you already know everything?" Ken asked me.
"Because you guys are fun? Besides, it's been a while since I studied all that stuff."
"Been a while? Wait, did you already study that far ahead while you were still homeschooled?"
"…"
A tense silence fell over the car as I didn't respond."
"Ah… sorry," Ken said in realization.
"…Don't worry, it's alright."
"Anyway, I've heard enough about school. Let's talk about something else," Elise said, trying to save the mood.
We continued making some small talk until we arrived back at New Freedom, the town we live in. As we neared Ken's massive house, Elise asked us about our weekend plans.
"Being forced to study as always. Perhaps we can all study together if you two have time." Ken said.
"Sorry, I can't spare the time right now," I responded.
"Same with me, sorry," Elise added.
"I see. Don't sweat it, I know you two are always busy". Ken said nonchalantly.
After I dropped Ken off and Elise and I said goodbye to him, my next destination was Elise's house in the middle of town. After I started driving again, Elise struck up a conversation with me.
"I feel kinda bad that we never have time to hang out with each other outside of school."
"He knows our circumstances. He's a considerate guy. You haven't heard him complain once, right?"
"I know, but I wish things were different and we could have some more fun together."
"Well, soon we'll have vacation, so you can already think about what fun things we three can do together."
"…Fun things. Like what?"
I watched Elise from the corner of my eye.
…I decided to test the waters.
"Like swimming."
She froze. Her eyes widened. She looked from me to ahead of her, slightly down. Her breathing had quickened slightly. She unconsciously covered her chest with her arm.
Her mind had imagined a public pool since it's winter.
Everyone ogling her.
That was still one step too far for her
SHIT!
I swore at myself.
Not because I had made her uncomfortable.
Because I had caught myself reading someone like that again.
Why was that bad trait coming back to me recently!? I thought I had finally buried it a while ago and started living like a normal person.
Elise shifted awkwardly in her seat, still not looking at me.
…Don't think about it now. Better to salvage this.
"You don't want to see me in a swimsuit again?"
Her gaze shot back to me, first settling on my calm face and then lingering on my chest for a while.
…She started turning a bit red, looked up and saw that I suddenly had a mischievous smile on my face.
"Y… you! I… I don't care about that!"
"Really?"
"Really!"
"That's good. Then we can all go together."
"It… it's not about... I'm still…"
"Hey, I'll be there too. I'll protect you."
She looked at my face when I said that. Her shoulders relaxed a bit, because of her trust in me.
"And with Ken around, I can just deflect any annoying guys toward him."
*Pfft*
Elise almost burst out laughing.
"He seems to be feeling lonely after all, with us never having any time."
*Giggle* "Th… That's a bit— "
"Although, if I imagine his parents' faces…"
"Hahahaha!"
Elise lost it. She laughed loudly with a hand covering her mouth.
Ah… she's cute.
Once she was done laughing and was smiling happily again, I called her name.
"Elise."
She looked at me with a smile on her face, and I took a moment to look into her beautiful blue eyes.
"I want you to have fun too."
Her expression grew serious again, but this time, while staring into my eyes, she gave an answer.
"I'll think about it."
I smiled, nodded, and looked forward again.
Mission accomplished.
We kept driving in comfortable silence for a while, but once we neared Elise's house…
It was her turn to confront me about my issues.
"Hey Jack, if I might ask, how is your mother?"
Damn it. Of course…
I didn't mind talking about it with her, but most of the time I had to give her saddening answers, so it was always a mood dampener. It's been a while since she asked.
But recently, things have improved, so I was glad that I could give a more positive response at the moment.
"Well, she still drinks a lot, but gradually she's been doing more than just getting drunk.. …She's also getting her witty quips in more and more, so I think things are going in the right direction."
"That's good to hear. I'm glad. I'm sure she's doing better because she has such a wonderful son who always takes care of her," she said with a kind smile.
"Says the daughter of the year, always taking care of her workaholic father."
"Oh, stop it. Actually, recently I've started to wonder who the parent and the child really is between us."
"Same for me. Maybe Ken needs to start being a parent too, then he'll truly understand how busy the two of us are every day."
"Haha, can you imagine? I think his parents would lock him up in handcuffs if he ever dared talking back to them."
*Pfft*. Oh no, that image… she got me.
I started laughing, her joining me, as we arrived at her big house.
"Have a nice weekend and see you next week". Elise said giddily as she stepped out of the car.
"Well, I sure don't hope to see you this weekend. I'm a little bit too busy for a doctor's visit."
"Haha, well in case of the worst, my father and I are always available to look after you and quickly cure whatever ails you," she said happily while sounding like a saleswoman.
After Elise and I waved goodbye to each other, I started driving back with a smile and began reminiscing.
As I looked at the buildings in town, I thought that not much has changed in this town since moving here with my mother about 2 years ago. Maybe that was just the case with old, historic small towns compared to Washington.
Or maybe I just didn't notice the changes since I was finally somewhat at peace with how things were going.
Although I still hoped to be at peace after I found out what state my mother was in today…
I arrived at my small, old house, and my heart started beating slightly faster.
I got out of the car, grabbed my backpack from the backseat, and locked the car. I then moved to the front door.
I used my house key to open it and stepped inside. I took off my shoes and jacket, duropped my backpack in the hall, and walked to the living room to see what state my mother was in today.
I entered the living room and saw my mother sitting on the couch reading a book.
There was only one beer bottle, still almost full, on the parlor table, together with a clean ashtray, untouched cigarette and a matchbox.
I felt relieved. It seemed that what I had just told Elise still held true.
"Hey," I greeted my mother.
"Hey," she responded back without looking up from her book.
"Another romance novel, I see."
"Maybe if you start reading some too, you'd finally learn how to get somewhere with Elise."
"…We're friends."
"Sure you are. Next time I see her, maybe I'll ask her how good of friends you two really are."
Ugh. She had hit me in a sore spot. But nevertheless, a small smile appeared on my face. It was a good sign that Ruby Sporo was regaining her sharp tongue from the past.
She was often called a rose with thorns when she was still acting, and I always found that description very fitting.
Her deep black hair contrasted with still young looking and fair skin. The hypnotically striking green eyes, that drew everyone in unconditionally with love. It all really sold her image as being as beautiful as a flower in bloom.
Combining all of that with her sharp tongue, which she used to charm people and sell herself, had earned the world's most famous actress the nickname
There was no winning a verbal argument with her while she was in this sort of mood, so I'd best not give lib back to her right now.
"I'll grab some fruit, you want some to?" I asked her.
"Yes, an apple without peel, please".
With my mother ending the conversation without looking up from her book even once, I moved to the kitchen to prepare the fruit.
The house my mother and I lived in was small, so a few seconds of walking in a straight line away from my mother was all it took for me to be in the kitchen.
I moved to the kitchen counter and stood next to the sink. It was a small kitchen, but that just means that everything was within reach.
But also, because it was so open and small, it had no privacy whatsoever…
If I looked straight to the right, I could see the couch with my mother reading.
She, of course, could also stare at me from the living room, which had been quite nerve-wrecking when I first started to fumble around with cooking when we moved here.
Luckily, after two years I had improved to a point where I didn't feel judged anymore.
I even had a part-time job as a cook at a restaurant in town, so you might even consider me a semi-professional at this point.
Anyway, to start, I grabbed two small bowls from the cabinet and a small knife from the knife block. I grabbed two apples from the fruit basket.
I peeled and quartered hers, and once I was about to start quartering mine…
My vision suddenly flashed white.
However, it lasted only an instant, like intentionally blinking and briefly seeing blackness. Only I didn't blink, and my vision didn't turn black, but white.
…What was that? I was stunned. I stood there now for a few seconds with the apple and knife in hand.
I looked to the right at my mother, but she was still reading her book.
No, wait, was she frowning a bit? It was hard to tell by looking at the side of her face. Her expression could also have been caused by what she was reading.
Should I say something? I was contemplating it when my mother started to shift.
She leaned forward, grabbed her beer bottle and took a small sip of her drink. She then looked at the bottle with a somewhat confused expression, but put it back down after a second and looked at her book again.
Something was wrong. Her behaviour was too unnatural, my intuition screamed at me.
I put the knife and apple down on the counter, then spoke.
"Hey, is everything alright?"
"Mmh? Yeah, it's nothing," she responded a bit dismissively.
So, there was something. My concern was growing. I felt like I should not ignore this.
"My vision flashed white just now, did that happen to you too?"
"Huh? Uh, actually, yes, now that you mention it, but I was not sure before."
She even looked away from her book now and was staring at me. The alarm bells in my head were now really turning into sirens.
"Anything else? How do you feel?" I tried asking calmly and clinically.
I felt fine, it was not time to panic yet, although I wasn't sure about the expression on my face at the moment.
"I feel fine, but my beer suddenly tasted very strong."
Something was definitely wrong. My heart was racing in my chest. I looked back at the apple and thought quickly.
What could affect the vision of two people and the taste of one, although I didn't know if my taste had been affected too. Nothing came to mind quickly.
Then… consciousness and taste?
Something instantly clicked in my mind.
Gas leak.
Shit, maybe we should go to Elise's house? Yeah, I'd do that.
I'd have to quickly disguise my mother first so no one recognised her. A hooded coat and face mask would have to suffice for now…
"AAAAAH!!!"
I immediately swiveled my head toward the sound of my mother's scream, and I immediately saw the terrifying cause.
I saw the back of a black shadow standing there and looking at my mother.It was an entirely three-dimensional, black-colored silhouette of a man staring at my mother.
It stood diagonally to the right of my mother, right next to the parlor table, staring at her.
My mother also stared at the thing. Her face was flushed red while she looked with wide-open, terror-filled eyes at the black shadow. The book she held had dropped next to her on the couch.
For the second time today, I was stunned and could not move.
I felt like a deer in headlights. That was the feeling I got when I looked at that thing.
That shadow felt unnaturally threatening, like I had unexpectedly seen a wild predator appear in front of me.
I was instantly on edge. Perhaps the sudden surge of adrenaline I was experiencing had started kicking in my fight-or-flight response
About three seconds had passed since I heard my mother's scream. She and I kept staring dumbfoundedly at the shadow, and the shadow didn't move and just kept staring at her.
I couldn't move and I'm sure my mother couldn't either. We were at the mercy of that shadow, which stood between us.
I didn't know how or why it appeared here or what its intentions were. But I didn't have to know. I could instinctively feel what that thing's purpose was.
It kept staring at my mother like she was its prey.
Predator and prey. Every living being instinctively knows how that situation concludes.
M… move! Move! Why… why can't I move!?
I could only stare…
My gaze shifted to… to my mother…
Her expression as she stared at the thing.
It was still one of horror.
But now… deep in her eyes… I… I thought I saw it.
The worst emotion of them all.
Love.
NO NO NO IT'S NOT HIM! THAT CAN'T! I WON'T! I WON'T!
I'LL PROTECT HER!
The shadow took a step toward her.
I snatched up the knife with my right hand!
I ran so fast that I was already within lunging distance when the shadow had just finished taking its step.
I aimed right at its back!
The shadow instantly turned and faced me.
The front looked just as humanlike as the back, but I didn't care.
I could only go forward.
Its chest!
I lunged!
The shadow's arm moved.
My knife was deflected to the side.
And its other arm was already cocked.
With all my momentum carrying me, I could only stare…
And regret that I had made myself forget how to fight.
It struck me with an open palm straight in the diaphragm.
"Kugh".
All the air escaped my lungs as I gasped.
All my momentum ceased.
That thing stopped me dead in my tracks with a single strike.
Strength left my body as I flew away.
I saw him grab the knife from my outstretched hand as I flew past
I couldn't hold on to it.
My back hit the ground.
Can't move. No air.
Br… brea-
Something straddled me.
My vision was filled with shadows.
And I saw the knife come down.
My arms moved.
Too slow.
"Aaaarrrrrrggggg!"
All the air left me again through a strangled scream.
And I only felt.
Left hand! PAIN!!!
I looked.
The whole knife blade had gone straight through the palm of my hand and nailed me to the floor.
The shadow stood up again.
Get it out get IT OUT GET IT OUT!
I shifted my body and grabbed the handle.
"Aaah!"
PAIN.
My right hand recoiled.
My instincts were in deadlock.
Pull it out!? No! PAIN! PAIN! SAVE HER! PAIN! SAVE HER! SAVE HER! CAN'T! CAN'T! I CAN'T HANDLE THE PAIN!!!
"Jack."
My eyes snapped straight to my mother's green ones.
Shock. Sadness. Dread.
Her face was even redder, and she stood bent forward, leaning against the couch with her right arm.
And that was only the left half of my horror.
The shadow filled the right half of my vision.
It walked another few steps, grabbed my mother's neck with both hands, and twisted.
*Snap*
Mother's left ear now touched her shoulder at an odd angle.
The shadow let go.
My mother dropped face-first onto the floor in front of me, like a puppet with its strings cut.
I saw only fear in her empty green eyes.
Wh… what? No… no… that can't…
Liquid was poured over her body.
My eyes snapped to the shadow.
It was standing next to her, pouring the beer she had drunk over her.
Alcohol. I hated the smell.
Once she was doused, it took a step back.
It dropped the bottle.
*Crash*
The sound jolted me, sending new pain through my hand.
I didn't care. Because… in the shadow's hands…
A match and a matchbox.
And it lit a match.
I saw a small flame.
"W… wai-"
It threw the lit match at my mother.
Heat. Light. Inferno.
My mother disappeared in fierce, bluish-white flames.
"Ah… ah…"
I kept staring. Where… where was she?
The shadow stepped in front of the flames.
I… I… blinked. My vision refocused.
I could only stare at it now.
Muscular… tall.
Face. Sharp. Manly.
Its silhouette burned into my retinas.
Authority. Domination. Tyranny.
My eyes shot wide open.
I recognized him.
Ah… of course. Of course it would be him.
As if ruining my life wasn't enough, now he… HE!
I snapped.
"YOU BASTAAAARD!!!"
I GRABBED THE KNIFE AND TORE IT OUT OF THE FLOOR!!!
PAIN! PAIN FILLED MY ENTIRE BEING!
I almost fainted.
Everything dimmed, yet everything sharpened.
ONLY MY WRATH REMAINED!!!
KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM!
I focused on the shadow.
I grabbed the knife that was still stuck in my hand
ONE STAB WAS ALL I NEEDED!
I pull—
The shadow vanished as the flames went out
I froze. I stared blankly ahead of me.
NO NO NO! I'LL GET HIM! WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS HE!?
I looked everywhere, searching every inch of the area around me!
My eyes fell on a pile of ashes.
WHAT WAS THAT DOING HERE? WHERE DID IT! Where did it… come… come from?
...Ah?
…Of course.
My mother's dead.
Murdered.
…Because of me.
…I felt all strength leave my body.
All was lost without her.
Because… without her… I… I didn't know anymore.
The fear numbed everything within me.
I could do nothing anymore.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't think.
I couldn't live.
The only thing I still felt was my very being going blank.
…
…
…
My thoughts returned suddenly.
Changed. Cold. Controlled.
I could make my body move again.
***
The world had forced its fear upon me.
I yielded.
My soul broke.
My fate was sealed.
All faded to lies.
***
AUTHOR NOTE: Dear reader. Thank you for reading the first chapter of my webnovel Outwhite. If you want to read ahead and support the story, you can find early access chapter link via X: @Rickyochet or my Discord server (link in synopsis and my profile). Free chapters will always continue here with an upload rate of 1 chapter (2000-4000 words) every week on Sunday 3 PM EST. Kind regards, Rickyochet.