"It was really so good to see you, Sister Gremory," Bune said. The dragon butler had finally regained his composure, standing tall and looking almost lustrous, his scales shimmering in the ambient light.
"Of course," Gremory replied, her voice smooth once more. "It is so wonderful to see you looking healthy and... clean." She smoothed her silk gown, looking composed as if she hadn't been trolled by a human in a leopard onesie just minutes ago.
Zac smiled and looked up at the two demons towering over him. They totally don't look related, he thought. I bet the 'sister' thing is just how Dukes and Duchesses talk. But... if they are... maybe there is a demon dragon with two humps out there. He was still hugging Bune, his mind wandering off while Bune's tail happily wagged and battered his side. Mmm, I will take as many humps as you can give me, camel-dragon-daddy.
He suddenly shook his head. Wait, I can't just throw away my virginity now. It would cause Bune to relapse or something. And... Bune really has been so kind to me. Even if he kept the others from fucking me. And he didn't get me coffee. And he made me read a book. Zac's frown deepened. Wait, why am I worried about the emotional well-being of a demon from Hell who is literally infinity times older than me?
"I wont report that the new avatar is a virgin," Gremory continued, "for you, Bune. But I really must tell the Princes that Ose has finally done something useful for once."
Bune looked nervous, wringing his hands. Zac muttered under his breath, "That lying pussy didn't do shit."
Gremory looked down at Zac with an amused expression, her long lashes fluttering. "You are quite lucky my magic does not work on maidens, little human. Or else your outsides would be inside, and your insides would be on fire."
Zac nodded sagely. "I keep asking the others to do stuff to my insides, but they are all prudes."
Gremory cracked a smile as she looked around the war room. The unconscious demons were still sprawled on the floor in a heap of limbs and drool, and Marchosias was still face-down on the table, seemingly having given up on the day entirely.
"Can I get your number?" Zac asked, finally loosening his hug on the dragon butler. "I need someone to gossip about all the hunky demons with."
Gremory laughed, a rich, melodic sound like wind chimes in a desert breeze.
"You really are Ose's chosen, aren't you?" Gremory giggled. "But it is best if we do not talk too much more. I'm already taking a risk by not turning you over to Belial."
"Is Belial hot?" Zac asked instantly.
Bune stiffened. "Zac, please do not ask such things. Belial is the Lowest King. Were you not listening when I told you that he was the first to follow Lucifer down?"
Gremory smirked and shook her head. "It appears you will have your hands full with this one, Bune. It is a good thing you've always been so competent at multitasking." She leaned in and gave the dragon man a quick, chaste kiss on both of his heads' cheeks. "Farewell for now, brother."
Gremory turned and swept out of the war room, her silk gown trailing behind her like a royal train.
Bune stood frozen, slowly raising a hand to his Left Head's cheek. "Brother..." he said softly, a note of wonder in his voice.
"Later, whore! I'll miss you!" Zac yelled, waving enthusiastically at the retreating Duchess.
Bune looked down, horrified. "Do not call Duchess Gremory such things!"
"She is the demon of maidens!" the Right Head hissed, quickly covering Zac's mouth with a clawed hand. "She is very much not a prostitute!"
Zac shrugged off Bune's hand. "That's just how bad bitches like us part ways. It's only bad if you think it's bad. Do you think she's an actual slut or something?"
Bune's two heads sputtered, frantically trying to deny he would ever think such a blasphemous thing.
Oh, Bune, Zac thought, a fond smile spreading across his face. Are you even more pure than March? I can't believe it. In Hell for, uh, nearly all of existence, and you can't even call your own sister a gutter hooker. You're actually so fucking cute it's driving me mad.
As if on queue, Zac noticed the wolf himself walk over.
Marchosias looked around in disgust at the passed-out demons who were still foaming at the mouths. Their collective foam was beginning to converge into a concerningly large puddle on the war room floor, threatening the integrity of a dropped scroll.
"I guess her magic didnt work on any of us huh," Zac said, looking between Bune and March. "Power maiden trio, am I right?"
Marchosias sighed, pinching the bridge of his muzzle. "You are the only virgin. And if you were not, you would have died multiple times."
Not sure that's possible, Zac thought, before his mind helpfully supplied images of Timon and Pumbaa, who had indeed died multiple times and were presumably fine.
"But she kinda blasted the whole room with her magic," Zac murmured.
"Well, as a Duke, I am resistant to magic of equal strength," Bune said, straightening his cuffs.
"And as a dragon, I am naturally resistant to magic," his Right Head added, looking the slightest bit pleased with itself. "The lion and owl are Marquises, and the flying rat is only an Earl. Their resistance is... laughable."
Before Zac could ask why they kept calling the hot eagle man mean names, Marchosias growled. "Bune, this place is a mess. There's white foam everywhere."
"I wish you'd cover me in white foam," Zac said instinctively. He didn't even need to think about it; it was like a patellar reflex, but for his porn-melted brain.
Marchosias stiffened and turned away from Zac, his ears twitching. "Clean this mess up, Bune."
"Of course, Captain," Bune said happily. "But... the others are in the way. We might need to wait a bit until their souls recombobulate."
"This day has already been too long," Marchosias growled. He took a deep breath, his chest expanding.
"WAKE UP, YOU LEG-HUMPING HOMUNCULUSES!"
The Command Voice slammed into the room like a physical shockwave, rattling the windows and sending dust falling from the ceiling.
Andras, Nock, and Halphas twitched on the floor as if the stone had suddenly been electrified in the middle of an earthquake. Zac looked away; it was a bit too Japanese-ghost-horror coded for his western sensibilities.
Nock sat up first. "Worooosow," the lion groaned, clutching his head. "What happened? Is my mane ok?" He suddenly reached up, frantically brushing his gauntleted hands through his thick, voluminous hair. "Oh, thank badness. Still fabulous."
Andras's head turned 180 degrees from where he was seizing on the ground, his golden eyes snapping open. He let out a hooting groan of pain. "Next time I'll just rip her eyes out with my bare hands." He flapped his wings, causing his body to float up like a vampire emerging from its coffin. Zac thought it was a pretty badass move, but the backwards head undercut it a bit.
Finally, Halphas stopped shuddering and coughed out a slice of bread. Zac tilted his head. Uhm, I thought he was on the paleo diet. That... uhm, ok.
"Gremory disrupted the chain of command," the eagle coughed, spraying a few more breadcrumbs onto the floor, which instantly got soggy in the white foam drool mess that covered the ground. "She didn't even sign the guest log. How are we supposed to keep track of supplies if we don't know who has been in or out?"
Zac eyed the demons, who were now standing groggily at attention as Marchosias stood before them with his arms crossed, looking like a disappointed father.
"You ingrates are disgusting," the wolf growled. "You dare lift a finger against a Duchess?"
"She said mean words to you!" Zac shouted before anyone could explain themselves. He marched over and stood next to the Captain, crossing his leopard-print arms. "We are Team March in this keep! Anyone who dares slander the try-hard wolfy deserves death!"
The room went silent. All the demons stared at Zac.
As Zac smiled and puffed out his leopard-print covered chest, the other demons all began to yell at once.
"She was going to dirty fair Zachary with her filthy hands!" Nock yelled, smoothing his mane. "Did you see her nail polish? Vantablack! That was so last decade!"
"It's my job to punish the new guy!" Halphas squawked, jabbing a thumb at his chest. "It says it right in the handbook! Page 6, paragraph 6, subsection 6!"
"Goremaw has been acting off ever since the Avatar gave him belly scratches… I mean, scratched his belly… I mean, uh, cowered in fear from the evil power of my devilish warg!" Andras hooted defensively. "I can't prove that I'm a better dog dad if the leopard slut is dead!"
The other demons changed their focus from Zac to Andras, staring at him in confusion.
Andras looked around nervously, then down at the floor, before quickly lighting a cigarillo with a snap of his talons. "I just like killing people!" he declared, coughing on the smoke and trying to look cool. "Do you losers think I need a reason to attack someone?"
"I don't care about any of your excuses!" March barked, silencing the room. "You know the rules."
Bune nodded, straightening his cravat. "Even though we have a mission, you cannot just go and displease a Duke."
The owl, lion, and eagle looked at each other for a beat, then burst into raucous, mocking laughter.
"Shut up, Bune, you mega-pussaholic!" Halphas wheezed.
Bune looked flustered, his heads twisting. "No, you are the... uhm... dumb... holic..."
"SILENCE!" March howled.
Zac smiled, leaning back against the war table. Oh, life is so good here. They deny it so hard, but this is totally a found family. I called it from the very beginning. They are going to get shipped in so many new and exciting ways. But March is still the dad. That's never going to change. Mmm, Wolf Daddy is eternal.
Marchosias rubbed his temples, his armor clinking. "You all are filthy, and you smell like complete ass." He turned his amber gaze to Halphas. "You will make sure everyone gets cleaned up and..." March's eyes darted to Zac.
Zac looked up at the eternal Wolf Daddy with a big, hopeful grin. "Yes daddy? I mean daddy… I mean daddy… I mean, Captain?"
Marchosias's tail stiffened so hard it looked painful, and he quickly looked away, his fur ruffling in agitation. "Halphas, make sure the Avatar is bathed. He has been in his uniform for days on end."
The harpy eagle man suddenly stiffened, his wings snapping tight against his back. He gave a sharp military salute. "YES SIR!"
Nock's mane suddenly stood straight up like he went Super Saiyan. "YES! BATH TIME WITH THE AVATAR!" he roared, throwing his arms wide. "IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR THE BATH BOMBS!"
The room went quiet, save for the lion man's happy purr, which vibrated him so much his armor chattered like teeth.
"You all are so fucking unbearably incompetent," March said softly, "if I was not dead, I would want to be." He turned and began walking back to the table.
Zac reached out for the angry wolfman. "But you're dirty too! Why don't you join us? I'll even wash your back... and your front... especially your front..."
Zac's eyes glazed over as he fantasized about March in a bubble bath where the bubbles just kept popping, slowly revealing the very crystal-clear water that Zac could see right through to the wolf's furry lower belly.
He snapped out of his vivid daydream as he felt himself being lifted off the ground. Halphas was holding him by the waist, grinning.
"Don't you dare summon a towel this time," Zac hissed.
"What are you talking about?" Halphas questioned, tilting his head. "We all need towels after to dry off. Come on, new guy, have you never taken a bath before?" He looked over his shoulder at Nock and Andras. "Come on, you two. Orders are orders."
"I'll pass," Andras said, trying to disappear into the shadows behind a suit of armor.
Nock grabbed him by the tail of his greatcoat. "DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME!" The lion suddenly sprinted out the door, dragging the now-hooting owl behind him across the floor. "BATH TIME! BATH TIME! CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO... NEXT TO DEVILISHLY HANDSOMENESS!"
Zac smiled as he watched them go. "Oh, ok. Take me away, Halphas. I wanted this to be a whole family affair, but I guess having an affair with the fun gay uncles is good too."
"What?"
"Just go," Zac said, patting the eagle's bicep. "I'll explain our new family wincest tree on the way."
Zac waved at Bune as he was carried out of the door.
"If you dare defile the Avatar, we will be eating squab," Bune said sternly, his eyes narrowed as he watched them leave. "I will be able to tell faster than any holy wards in the city ever could."
"And you will not enjoy being digested," the Right Head added, licking its chops. "I masticate very thoroughly."
Before Zac could ask if that's why Bune rejected soft vore all those days ago, another shout rang out in the war room.
"NOOO! I WANT BATH TIME TOO!"
Zac twisted in Halphas's grip to see Skarg rolling around on the floor. Although he had finally freed his mouth from the muzzle, the caribou demon was still hopelessly entangled in Gremory's golden rings, looking like a fancy demonic dinner napkin.
Marchosias stood over the raging reindeer, veins bulging in his neck. "YOU'RE THE REASON THERE IS EVEN A MESS HERE! HOW MANY TIMES DID I SAY LOCK DOWN?! WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN?!"