Thump. Thump. Thump.
Marchosias banged his head against the table a few more times, the sound echoing mournfully in the room.
"What is the meaning of this?!" the camel shouted, her voice rising an octave as she lost it completely. "Bune, what in the hells is going on here? Why are you covering for a human?!"
She raised her hand, the golden rings on her fingers flashing, ready to deliver a demonic backhand that would likely send Zac's head into orbit.
In a blur of motion, Nock and Halphas were suddenly there.
Nock threw himself in front of Zac, his arms spread wide. "Don't you harm pure Zachary!" he cried, his mane bristling with righteous indignation.
Halphas grabbed Gremory's wrist, his talons digging into the silk of her sleeve. "As Second-in-Command, it's my job to dish out corporal punishment!" the eagle squawked, his usual cocky demeanor replaced by protective fury.
Heh, Zac thought, completely devoid of the fear of being slap-decapitated. I knew they loved me. Now this rando camel lady is gonna have to fight the whole harem.
"I WILL TURN YOU ALL INTO COCKLESS VEGETABLES!" Gremory shrieked, her long hair coming undone and her previous beautiful composure was totally nuked from orbit.
A blinding purple light emanated from her form, encompassing both Nock and Halphas in a shockwave of magic. The moment the light touched them, they both fell to the ground like cut marionettes, white foam trickling from the corners of their mouths as their eyes rolled back.
"Oh shit," Zac thought, looking down at the now-catatonic lion and eagle. She one-shot the tanks. That's bad.
He barely had time to register the loss of his bodyguards before Gremory reached out. Her hand closed around his neck with the force of a hydraulic press, lifting him off the ground until his slippered feet kicked uselessly at the air.
"HNGGG," Zac choked, his vision swimming. "Your hands... so big... and manly..."
"WHAT?!" Gremory roared directly into his face, spit flying. "MY HANDS ARE FEMININE AND SOFT!"
"Gremory, please!" Bune said weakly from the sidelines. "Don't!"
However, the camel woman did not pop the human's head off like a Pez dispenser. Through his breathlessness and watering eyes, Zac saw her expression shift from pure, homicidal rage to pure, utter disbelief.
She stared at him as if he had suddenly sprouted a second head that was singing opera. Her grip slackened.
Zac fell, collapsing onto the stone floor in a coughing heap, gasping for air.
"Alright, that's enough," Andras's voice drawled from directly behind Gremory.
The owl demon had emerged from the shadows cast by her silken dress, his cutlass already pressed against the soft fur of her throat.
"That dumb human said he'd walk Goremaw for me," Andras hissed, his golden eyes cold and devoid of humor. "So you're gonna have to die now."
Gremory didn't even move a muscle as another nova of purple light exploded from her body, a sphere of pure, concussive magic.
Zac squinted against the glare, expecting to see feathers fly. Instead, Andras reacted with supernatural reflexes. His wings flared, propelling him backward in a blur, while his cutlass slashed through the air, cutting a literal path of inky blackness through the luminous purple magic.
"Shadow is just as fast as light, Duchess," the owl hissed, diving back into the fray.
He swung at Gremory's neck, a killing blow. Gremory didn't even turn her head. She simply tilted her long neck to the side, the blade passing millimeters from her jugular.
Are Dukes really this much stronger than Marquises? Zac thought, his eyes wide as he watched the owl demon assault the camel. It was like watching a gladiator fight a force of nature.
Andras was everywhere at once. He popped out of a shadow near the floor, slashing at her legs. Miss. He dropped from the ceiling shadow, aiming for her crown. Miss. He appeared behind her, thrusting for the kidney. Miss. He was playing a high-stakes, stab-happy version of whack-a-mole, dissolving into darkness the moment his blade failed to connect.
Gremory was breathtaking. She dodged gracefully, stepping back from Zac and spinning like a dervish. Her silks fanned out around her, creating a shield of fabric that obscured her true position. She moved with a speed that defied her size, pirouetting through the onslaught as if she were dancing to a 250 bpm trash waltz song that only she could hear.
Zac's eyes could barely follow the blur of violence. It was beautiful. It was terrifying.
But then, the music stopped.
Andras materialized above Gremory, his cutlass raised for a downward chop.
Gremory's hand snapped up. She didn't block the blade; she caught the hilt. Her hand overlapped the owl's talons on the grip, stopping the momentum instantly.
"Foolish bird," she said softly, her voice devoid of effort.
A blast of concentrated purple light raced up her arm, jumped to the sword hilt, and surged directly though Andras.
"Did you forget I can sense treasures?" Gremory purred, her eyes glowing with malicious delight. "Don't attack me with such a precious, antique sword next time. It screams its location to me."
Andras convulsed, his feathers smoking. He let out a choked hoot before his eyes rolled back in his head. He crumpled to the stone floor, landing in a heap next to Halphas and Nock, joining their chorus of gurgling, white-foam misery.
Zac looked at the pile of defeated, drooling lieutenants. Then he looked at Skarg, who was still tied up on the floor like a rodeo calf. Then he looked at Bune, who was looking at the floor and wringing his hands murmuring 'please listen, Gremory'.
Finally, he looked up at Gremory.
"Okay," Zac squeaked. "You win."
The camel woman smoothed down her silken dress and fixed a stray lock of her lustrous hair, her composure returning as quickly as it had been lost. She once again began to walk toward Zac, though this time her pace was less predatory, more... appraising.
"You," she said, her chest rising and falling as she regulated her breathing after Andras's shadow assault. "You are..."
"WAIT!" Bune's heads both shouted in unison.
The dragon butler moved with surprising speed, planting himself firmly between Zac and the camel Duchess. He spread all four arms wide, creating a wall of scales and desperation. "You cannot take him! He is too precious! He is... he is..." Bune's voice cracked, a sound of raw, unfiltered panic that made Zac blink.
Gremory stopped. Her furious expression softened as she looked at the trembling dragon. Her eyes, moments ago burning with purple fire, now held a strange, pitying warmth. "Oh, Bune... why didn't you tell me? You know me."
"You know the rules," Bune's Left Head whispered, refusing to meet her gaze. "This was an order. I could not leak the information. It is too important."
"I WANTED TO!" the Right Head wailed, tears streaming down its snout. "Please forgive me! I can't lose him to the Princes! I... I... I..."
"Hush now." Gremory reached up, her large, soft hands gently cupping the cheeks of both dragon heads simultaneously. "Shh there, Bune. You've been doing so good these past centuries."
Bune's legs wobbled. The proud, neurotic butler crumbled, leaning into her touch and beginning to sob openly. It was a full-blown draconic breakdown, complete with hiccuping smoke and sniffling.
Wait, what the actual fuck? Zac thought, watching the tender scene unfold over the twitching bodies of the unconscious lieutenants. Are they... related? Or exes? Or is this just how Dukes greet each other?
He noticed Marchosias watching them. The Captain wasn't angry anymore. He was looking at the weeping dragon and the comforting Duchess with an expression that was equal parts sad and profoundly relieved.
"You are lucky I was sent to follow up on the incident at the restaurant," Gremory said gently, stroking Bune's scales. "I had no idea Ose had managed to form a contract with a... maiden."
"Of course you didn't," Marchosias growled from the table, not lifting his head. "It was top secret."
"I'M TALKING TO BUNE!" Gremory shouted without looking away from the dragon. "SHUT UP, YOU MUTT!"
Marchosias sighed, and gently thunked his forehead against the wood again.
Before Zac could defend March and tell the camel woman to stop making the butler cry, Bune managed to contain his wailing. "Do not yell at the Captain! If you insult Marchosias, you insult me!"
"Fine, only because you say so, Bune," Gremory conceded with a shake of her head, though her eyes were still icy. "But that wolf has barely gotten your third head to relax what, maybe one day a month?"
Zac was so confused. What was she talking about? Bune's third head only popped out when the dragon was worked up—like when the furniture was being destroyed or someone was trying to ride a warg indoors.
"Even if he is just an expired methadone patch," Bune sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of one hand, "he has been the only one willing to help me. Even you," he said, sounding a bit more in control, "could not keep my gold hoarding addiction from ruining my afterlife. This avatar, his presence has helped tame my most vulgar self."
Zac blinked. Addiction? Hoarding? Wait, holy shit, how the fuck did I miss it this whole time?
His mind raced back over the past few days. The dragon had mentioned gold. He had mentioned urges. He had mentioned needing to control himself. Was that what the lovers' quarrel with him and March in the hallway was about? March wasn't just a bossy prick; he was Bune's addiction sponsor. The whole butler job was basically an eternal Gold Hoarders Anonymous meeting, and somehow March was helping Bune wean off his drug of choice.
Zac's eyes grew unfocused as the realization hit him like a sack of bricks. My virginity. Fuck.
He thought back to all the times Bune said Zac must remain pure. All the times the dragon had sniffed him and seemed to relax. Bune literally saying that lusting after Zac was better than the gleaming of gold. And even Halphas had said that March would put him into a "program with Bune" after he drank all of that coffee.
Zac's eyes welled up. March wasn't a harsh captain verbally and emotionally abusing a subservient dragon man; he was helping his friend through such a difficult problem. And Bune wasn't a wimpy demon who preferred to be a butler over being a warrior; he was a demon fighting his own... demons.
"I'M SORRY BUNE!" Zac shouted, his voice thick with emotion. "I DIDN'T KNOW!"
He sprinted forward and threw his arms around the dragon man's waist, burying his face in the back of Bune's tailcoat. "I thought you were just a fussy neat freak! I didn't know you were battling your inner Smaug! You're so brave!"