Zac's eyes went wide. He fell back, his butt landing squarely on March's muzzle as he frantically tried to scramble backward over the slick, bloody flank of the dead Bicorn. "No, wait, I'm cool with the unholy existences!"
REPENTANCE's hand was a hair away from grabbing Zac's onesie when a sharp, whistling sound cut through the air.
BOOM.
A massive explosion erupted against the side of the simulacrum, sending a shockwave that threw Zac rolling backward, head over heels, away from the synthetic angel.
Zac hit the dirt hard, his ears ringing with a high-pitched whine and his head throbbing as he tried to orient himself. He blinked through the dust, his dizzy eyes finally landing on a familiar figure standing near the edge of the ridge.
It was Halphas. The eagle demon was in his full camo gear, fresh war paint streaked across his beak, holding a massive, smoking rocket launcher resting on his shoulder.
"Get away from him, you bitch!" the eagle squawked. With a poof of black smoke and grey feathers, he conjured a new RPG round and immediately began reloading.
Through the settling smoke, the simulacrum stood tall. It slowly spread its six stained-glass wings, the light refracting off them seeming to physically knit the cracks in its porcelain body back together. It didn't retreat; it jumped forward, placing its massive body squarely between Zac and Halphas.
< Demons Detected. Protect The Pure Virgin. Deploy Samson Defense. >
Zac turned his head at the sound of thundering hooves. Sir Nock, riding his majestic, glowing-eyed pale horse, crested the cliff edge and began to rush toward them, his armor shining like a beacon in the gloom.
Zac scrambled on his hands and knees back over to Marchosias and began desperately trying to push the massive, dead weight of the Bicorn off the Captain's crushed legs.
"Get away from me!" Marchosias howled, swatting weakly at Zac's hands. "You must get clear of the fight! You will get caught in the crossfire!"
"I'm not leaving you, Wolf Daddy!" Zac grunted, planting his feet in the mud and shoving against the horse's flank with all his meager strength trying to at least free the captain's other arm.
He looked up over the dead horse just in time to see Halphas fire another rocket. REPENTANCE didn't even try to dodge; it simply stepped forward, swung its wooden gavel like a baseball bat, and batted the explosive projectile away, sending it careening off into the sky to explode harmlessly in the red clouds.
Nock spurred his steed forward, his longsword drawn. "You will never take pure Zachary from me!" the lion roared, slashing at the enemy's side as he galloped past.
The simulacrum slowly turned to watch Nock as he circled back. < Unholy Plague Detected. Purge. Purge. Purge. >
Another rocket round hit the simulacrum from behind with a loud ka-boom.
Zac watched in awe. This is epic as fuck. Just keep whittling it down and we totally win. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Sir Hoofington dodged a clumsy swing of the massive gavel, allowing Nock to slash at the automaton angel again as they rode past. "You call yourself a threat?" the lion laughed, his mane appearing like it was flowing. "But you don't even have locks! How could something so bald be sent by God?!"
Maybe a bit less of that, Zac thought. Some trash talk is good, but maybe something a little less obviously projection.
The simulacrum tried to heal itself, its wings glowing, but Halphas fired another rocket that struck it squarely in the chest. REPENTANCE stumbled, swinging wildly. Nock vaulted out of his saddle, landing gracefully near Halphas as Sir Hoofington ran off to safety.
Nock held his sword high in the air, the blade catching the dim light of the smokey sky. "Even if you have no flesh to rot or organs to infest with diseased insects, my sword will strike true!"
Zac rolled his eyes. Maybe sticking with the hair insults is better.
REPENTANCE's wings flapped once, sending a shockwave of air across the ridge. Its porcelain body began to glow with an intense, rainbow aura. Within seconds, all the damage from the rocket blasts and sword strikes healed instantly, the cracks knitting together into smooth, unmarred white.
It lifted its gavel with both hands and began moving toward the lion and eagle.
Suddenly, it stopped in its tracks.
Two massive, jagged antlers protruded through its stomach. Skarg stood behind the simulacrum, roaring with exertion. With a violent twist of his head, the wendigo shoved the construct forward, sending it crashing face-first onto the rocky ground.
Zac stood up on top of the dead Bicorn and cheered. "Get him, boys! That creeper tried to virgin-nap me! Whoever lands the final blow gets to hold me down and-"
Zac's words were cut off as a familiar, toothy maw bit the back of his onesie and lifted him effortlessly into the air. He looked back over his shoulder to see Goremaw's massive, scarred snout.
Andras reached down from the saddle, plucked Zac from the warg's jaws, and hauled him up. Zac flopped unceremoniously over the demonic beast's back, landing right in the evil owl's lap.
Before Zac could say that he would be totally fine with riding bitch, Andras looked down at the trapped Captain. "This is why you need to find a more reliable steed," Andras hooted, his voice entirely lacking its usual edge of detachment. "You can't even free yourself from that oversized pony and look what's happened! And you call yourself-"
"Take the Avatar and RUN!" Marchosias howled, cutting off Andras's next insult. "Or do you want more of your own to die?!"
Zac felt confused. Andras loved people dying. He bragged about it often. But when Zac looked up, he saw the owl's face was pale beneath his feathers.
Andras went completely silent. He spurred Goremaw, and the warg gave a sharp bark, turning and sprinting away from the brawl, kicking up a shower of gravel.
"What are you doing?!" Zac yelled, struggling in the owl's grip. "We are totally winning!" He reached out, pushing Andras's tattered coat aside to get a view of the battle behind them.
Zac felt a sudden, sickening lurch in his stomach.
REPENTANCE had recovered with terrifying speed. Its gavel swung in a brutal, sweeping arc, striking Nock squarely on the side of the head with a clang. The lion man howled in absolute agony, falling backward. As he hit the ground, his mane began to crack, the glowing fissures spreading towards his face.
"What the hell?!" Zac shouted, his voice cracking. "I haven't even seen your dick yet!"
"Be quiet!" Andras hissed, his voice tight with panic. "It's after you! I need to get you out of-"
"Arghhh!" Zac shouted, trying to wriggle free. "You need to go help them! You're the best at fighting, right?! What are you doing?!"
Zac looked back just in time to see Skarg barely manage to throw up a thick shield of ice before another hammer blow connected. The impact shattered the ice instantly, knocking the massive wendigo backward through the air. Skarg hit the ground hard, rolling until he slammed into the dead Bicorn, right next to where Marchosias was still trapped.
Andras looked back at the others for a split second before turning to face forward. He shut his eyes tight, his beak clicking in an erratic, stressed rhythm, and dug his heels in, spurring Goremaw to run even faster.
"You're just going to leave them?!" Zac yelled in disbelief, struggling against the owl's iron grip. "This isn't dark and edgy, it's just pathetic!"
Zac felt sick as he watched the simulacrum rush up to Halphas over the owl's shoulder. The eagle demon unleashed another rocket point-blank, engulfing them both in a massive dust cloud. For a second, Zac thought the Earl had done it. Then, the massive wooden gavel swung out of the smoke.
It connected with a sickening crunch. Halphas got bonked hard, the impact resulting in a massive explosion of grey feathers and camo fabric.
"Halphas!" Zac yelled, his heart seizing. "Fuck!"