CHAPTER 17
He wasn't yet enrolled in school so I had to enroll him the next day.
I went with Indira since I wasn't too comfortable speaking with people I didn't know. I would just freeze in the middle of the conversation, like my mind would suddenly go blank and my tongue would forget how to form words. It was frustrating… standing there like I didn't belong in a normal world.
The principal didn't ask too many questions and he was granted admission.
Just like that. No digging, no suspicion… just a signature and my son had a place in a life I could never fully give him.
We went shopping for my clothes since I didn't have any at the time.
Nothing that felt like mine anyway. Everything before felt tied to blood, to running, to survival. This… this was different.
We were through with the shopping and were having ice cream when Jordan saw a kid holding both his parents' hands.
I noticed him getting lost in their moment. His eyes didn't move… like he was studying them, trying to understand something he didn't have.
I knew my son wished for a normal family.
I wished I could give it to him… but I couldn't.
He turned to look at me and said,
"Mama, do you talk to dad?"
My heart sank.
Not slowly… it dropped, heavy and sudden, like something inside me had just been ripped out.
I couldn't get any word out so I just shook my head.
My son didn't know that his father was dead…
and that his mother was the one who killed his father.
I did it for a reason.
A tangible and sensible reason.
But looking at him in that moment… none of it felt like it mattered.
Indira noticed how lost I was… how far gone my mind had drifted.
"Hey Jordan, remember that phone you told me about? Wanna go get it?"
She pulled him out of that moment before it could grow into something heavier.
"YES!" he shouted.
I watched them fade into the stores… their figures disappearing into the crowd while I remained seated, stuck with my own thoughts.
I battled with myself silently.
Should I tell him?
Should I just rip it open and let him deal with it?
But he was still a kid.
Telling him everything… the blood, the truth, the kind of woman I really was… it would ruin him. Ruin his childhood. Ruin us.
He was only twelve.
Just stepping into a phase of life that was supposed to be light… not heavy with secrets and death.
And our relationship… it was perfect.
Fragile… but perfect.
I didn't want to be the one to destroy it.
Jordan was making friends at school and his company with Marissa really helped him in his studies.
Those two… they clicked in a way I didn't expect.
He aced every test he had and would always congratulate Marissa whenever he did.
Not me… her.
And I didn't even mind.
Kora and Jordan were like cat and mouse.
They always had to argue over everything.
Over the remote…
over who gets to choose which restaurant we would be eating at…
over things that didn't even matter.
They were just too much.
But somehow… it made the house feel alive.
We always had an outdoor barbeque every Saturday.
One Sunday, we decided to expand our guest list by inviting children from Jordan's school…
and they came in numbers.
Too many.
The place was heavily packed with both invited and uninvited guests.
Children running everywhere…
splashing water from the pool…
laughing… screaming… stepping over furniture like the house belonged to them.
They played around with him from the pool to playing games on Marissa's computers.
We were also drinking… except for Indira.
She'd say it somehow slowed her metabolism… like that was her only concern in a life like ours.
The chaotic noise made by the children was soothing somehow.
Strange… how something so loud could feel like peace.
We had never been in a place that was full of children in a long time.
"This house feels so alive with all the chattering from these children," Lupita said as she took off her gown and sat on the edge of the pool, revealing only her bikini.
"It honestly does… just look at how happy Jordan is," I added, my eyes locked on him as he ran past us, dripping wet, laughing like nothing in the world could touch him.
"I just hope after this he gets tired and goes to bed because I'm in no mood for Jordan's nonsense today," Kora warned.
We all laughed.
Because we knew… that was a lie.
There was always going to be nonsense.
The parents picked their kids from the barbeque.
One by one… the noise disappeared.
The house went quiet again.
Too quiet.
We started picking up the laying papers the kids had left behind… half-eaten food, crushed cups, footprints of chaos everywhere.
We went inside and sat in the kitchen.
That kind of tired that sits deep in your bones.
Then Jordan came downstairs.
He went straight to Lupita.
"Aunty, I'm quite hungry… can you make me mac and cheese?"
Lupita turned to Kora.
That smirk…
I saw it immediately.
She was setting something up.
"Why don't you tell Kora to prepare it for you, dear?"
I already knew what Lupita wanted.
Drama.
Jordan looked at Kora.
"Don't even start with me J, I'm not in the mood," she said while filing her nails.
A debate was coming.
It always did.
Jordan never backed down.
Never.
"I wasn't going to start anything… but you just called it upon yourself. Don't worry Kora, I won't ask you to cook for me."
Silence.
That wasn't normal.
We all looked at each other.
Something felt off.
Even Kora relaxed.
"Thank you—"
"Yeah," Jordan cut in, "because who likes eating overcooked mac and cheese with lots of salt? I obviously don't want to."
There he was.
Lupita burst.
She brought out her hand.
Their secret handshake.
Jordan joined her.
Like they had just won something.
They went to the kitchen and began making the mac and cheese.
Together.
Talking.
Laughing.
Like everything was simple.
They made enough for everyone.
And we ate.
All of us.