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6:00 AM.
The biological clock of a farmer is a cruel, unyielding god. No matter how exhausted the body, no matter if the soul has briefly departed for the netherworld, the eyes snap open at the crack of dawn.
Leo didn't want to wake up. His body felt like lead, his HP and Stamina bars flashing a critical red in his mind's eye. It felt as though he had been tenderized by a mallet and then left to marinate in seawater. His lungs still burned with the phantom sensation of salt.
Heavy. Why was it so heavy?
It felt like a mountain was pressing down on his limbs.
"He's awake," a calm, clinical voice cut through the fog. "I told you. The subject's resilience is remarkable. He resets at 0600 hours. Don't question my medical expertise."
Eirin Yagokoro sat at the small wooden table, sipping a cup of hot water with the elegance of a moon princess. She glanced at the twitching lump on the bed with dispassionate scientific interest.
"Little~ Brother~!"
A purple blur launched itself at the bed.
"You're finally awake! Waaaaah!"
Yukari Yakumo threw herself over the quilt, wailing with a grief so theatrical it belonged on a kabuki stage. It was the sound of a woman who had just been widowed, lost her fortune, and stubbed her toe, all at once.
"You... get off!" Leo wheezed, his soul nearly departing again from the impact. "I'm... going to die... for real..."
He was currently operating on 1 HP. Yukari's "hug of relief" was a finishing move.
"You embarrassing thing, move aside."
Eirin stood up. She grabbed the collar of the Sage of Youkai and tossed her aside like a sack of potatoes. In her other hand, she held a bowl of dark, bubbling sludge and a funnel.
"Mmph?" Leo's eyes widened.
"Don't struggle," Eirin smiled, the expression not reaching her cold, intellectual eyes. "Drink this. It will restore your vitality. Don't worry about the funnel; it's the same one I use for Yukari. I haven't washed it yet, but it adds flavor."
She jammed the funnel into his mouth.
"Mmph! Mmph!"
Leo thrashed. But his limbs were pinned. Four identical, giggling vampires were sitting on his arms and legs.
"Drink up, Big Brother!" Flandre (x4) cheered.
Eirin poured.
The liquid was Windbreak Grass Soup fortified with triple-strength Coptis Chinensis. It tasted like pure, distilled suffering. It tasted like licking a battery dipped in bile.
Leo convulsed like a fish on dry land. He tried to scream, but the medicine just flowed faster. He watched helplessly as the Pan Jinlian of the Moon poured the entire bowl down his throat.
Gulp. Gulp. Gag.
As the last drop hit his stomach, a warm heat exploded outward. The flashing red bars in his vision turned green. The weakness evaporated.
"Yahoo! Big Brother is back to life! Run away!"
The Flandre sitting on his left arm felt the muscle tension return. She recognized the look in Leo's eyes—it was the same look Remilia had before a spanking session.
"Scatter!"
Three Flandres vaulted off the bed with supernatural agility. The fourth one—the one sitting on his legs—tried to jump, got her foot tangled in the sheets, and face-planted into the mattress.
"Gotcha."
Leo sat up, grabbing the clumsy vampire by the waist and tucking her under his arm like a bolster pillow.
"Let me guess," he grinned, pinching her soft cheek. "You must be the Main Body, right? Your clones are much sharper than you."
"I'm not! I didn't! It was lag!" Flandre wailed, curling into a ball to deploy the Scarlet Family's Ultimate Defense: Being Cute.
"Lord Leo..."
A trembling voice came from the bedside. Ran Yakumo stood there, her nine tails drooping, her eyes red-rimmed.
"It is good that you are awake. If... if anything had happened, I was prepared to drag Lady Yukari to the Dragon God for judgment."
"It's fine, Ran," Leo waved his hand, still holding the struggling Flandre. "I'm used to passing out. It's just a game mechanic. Close your eyes, open them, and it's a new day. Did you guys have the BBQ without me?"
"Still thinking about eating?"
In the corner, Yukari squatted on the floor, drawing circles with her finger. A dark cloud of depression hung over her.
"I just wanted to play a joke," she mumbled, pouting. "Who knew you were water-soluble? You dissolved like cotton candy. I didn't even have time to open a Gap..."
"Heh."
A short, disdainful snort echoed from the shadows.
Standing in a corner that everyone had subconsciously ignored was a girl with short pink hair. A red eye, connected by cords to her chest, floated in front of her heart.
Satori Komeiji Race: Satori Ability: Mind Reading Occupation: Mistress of the Palace of the Earth Spirits Residence: Former Hell
Because of her sister Koishi's ability to manipulate the subconscious, the entire Komeiji family often faded into the background unless they actively made their presence known.
Satori stared at the room with deadpan eyes. She had been watching Yukari's mental gymnastics—a chaotic spiral of guilt, defensiveness, and hunger—and found it pathetic.
Then, her Third Eye turned toward Leo.
She was curious. What kind of human could make the Great Yakumo Yukari panic enough to break her "No Earth Spirits" rule and invite Satori as a backup medical consultant?
Her eye widened slightly. The thoughts flowing from this human... were loud. And colorful.
"Ah," Satori spoke, her voice flat but carrying across the room. "He is thinking: 'Flandre feels so soft in my arms. She smells like milk and strawberries. Like a little cake. If I could hold Remilia in the other arm, it would be a double-happiness sandwich.'"
"..."
The room went dead silent.
Remilia, who was sitting at the table drinking tea, froze. The cup stopped halfway to her lips. Behind her, Sakuya's eyes narrowed, and the air temperature dropped ten degrees.
"And," Satori continued, looking at the cat sleeping by the bed. "He is thinking: 'Chen is so cute. I really want to bury my face in her belly fluff and take a deep huff. It must smell like sunshine.'"
"Meow?" Chen tilted her head, confused, and instinctively covered her stomach.
"Then there is the Fox," Satori pointed at Ran. "He thinks: 'I like Miss Ran so much. She is gentle, virtuous, and has a great figure. She is absolute wife material. I want to marry her.'"
Ran's face exploded into red. Steam practically vented from her ears. Her tails tangled together in a knot of embarrassment. L-Lord Leo thinks... wife?!
"And then," Satori turned her gaze to the sulking figure in the corner. "He thinks: 'That Yakumo Yukari. Although she is a bit scummy, a bit immature, and definitely an Old Hag, she is still a beautiful older sister. Hehe... although she acts seventeen, that mature charm cannot be hidden. It is like a ripe peach... exuding a rotting sweetness. It makes one want to take a bite, even if you die of food poisoning.'"
SNAP.
The sound of a vein popping on Yukari's forehead was audible.
"Rotting... Sweetness...?"
Yukari stood up. A dark, purple aura flared around her. The air crackled with the power of boundaries. I am forever seventeen! Who is rotting?!
Satori ignored the killing intent and turned to the doctor.
"And this Yagokoro Eirin. 'Tsk tsk. Look at that figure. Look at that temperament. She is clearly a dangerous mad scientist, yet she has this damn intellectual beauty. Being looked at by those cold eyes... honestly, I might be an M. If she stepped on me with high heels, I might actually thank her.'"
CRACK.
The porcelain spoon in Eirin's hand snapped in two. Her smile became radiant, terrifyingly so.
"Oh? Is that so?" Eirin's voice was like silk wrapped around a scalpel. "I didn't know the patient required such... specialized therapy. I have a pair of stiletto heels in my collection. Shall we schedule a session?"
"NO! I DIDN'T THINK THAT! STOP!"
Leo was screaming internally and externally. He hugged Flandre like a shield, backing into the headboard.
"Who are you?! Get out of my head! That's slander! I appreciate beauty respectfully! I don't want to be stepped on! (Probably!)"
"And finally," Satori looked at the Head Maid. "He thinks: 'Cold, aloof, perfect. The ideal servant. Why does she keep looking at my neck? Does she want to chop it? But being served by such a cool beauty... my vanity would be satisfied. It's just a pity she serves a loli vampire who pads her chest.'"
SHING—
Three silver knives embedded themselves into the headboard, framing Leo's face in a triangle of steel. A lock of his hair drifted down.
"It seems the patient has water in his brain," Sakuya said, her voice devoid of emotion, pulling three more knives from nowhere. "I recommend a craniotomy to drain the fluid."
"PADS?!"
Remilia stood on the chair, slamming her small hands on the table. "I am majestic! I am growing! I do NOT pad my chest! Take it back!"
"I didn't say it!" Leo wailed. "She said it!"
"Hehe."
Satori's Third Eye blinked. A rare, mischievous smile tugged at her lips.
"Look at him panic," she narrated. "He looks like a hamster backed into a corner. 'Oh god, I'm dead. Social death. Is there a reload button? Why is this pink-haired girl so scary? But... she's also kind of cute. Wait, stop thinking! She can hear me!'"
"STOP! PLEASE!"
Leo threw the quilt over his head, curling into a ball of shame. "I was wrong! I'm sorry! Please forget everything!"
The tension in the room broke.
"Pfft." Yukari covered her mouth, her anger dissolving into laughter. "Little Brother... 'Rotting Sweetness'? You really have a death wish."
"Since the patient has enough energy to have such... colorful... fantasies, he is clearly recovered," Eirin concluded, packing her bag. "The BBQ is still on, I assume?"
"BBQ!"
Hearing the magic word, the quilt flew off. Leo sat up, face burning but eyes determined.
"Yes! BBQ! We can't let the food go to waste! Let's go to the beach! I'll roast everything personally as an apology!"
The Beach. Noon.
The crisis of the "Drowning Incident" was resolved (mostly). The BBQ party commenced.
A large grill was set up on the sand. Smoke billowed, carrying the scent of roasting squid, corn, and peppers. The Little Fairies ran around screaming, while Waka chased them back from the waterline.
Leo stood behind the grill, sweating profusely as he flipped skewers. He was working hard to redeem his reputation.
"Here, Lady Yukari. Grilled Squid. Extra spicy."
"Here, Doctor Eirin. Grilled Mushrooms. Very healthy."
"Here, Remilia. Strawberry Skewer. (No pads)."
He served everyone diligently.
Satori sat on a rock a little distance away, holding a plate of corn. She wasn't eating; she was just staring at the crowd with her Third Eye.
Usually, at banquets in Gensokyo, she was avoided. The moment she appeared, the atmosphere would die. People hated having their secrets exposed. So she stayed in the Underworld, lonely and resentful, making "Big News" to force people to acknowledge her.
But here...
"Hey, Satori!"
Leo waved a sauce brush at her from the grill. He didn't avoid her gaze. He didn't look at her with fear or disgust.
"Do you want some sauce on that corn? It's a bit dry on its own."
Satori blinked. Her Third Eye pulsed.
She heard his thoughts loud and clear:
'That girl looks lonely sitting there. Is the corn too dry? Should I give her some juice? Also... that Third Eye looks kind of squishy. I wonder what it feels like? Is it warm? Can I poke it? ...NO! STOP! She can hear me!'
Leo froze, realizing what he just thought. He slapped his own forehead.
Satori stared at him.
A genuine smile, rare and small, appeared on her face.
"Yes," she said softly. "I would like some sauce. And... you can touch the Eye. But be gentle."
"Really?!"
Leo dropped the tongs in shock.
"Wait! The squid is burning!"
"Oh crap!"
Leo scrambled back to the grill.
The beach was filled with laughter. For the first time in a long time, the Mistress of the Palace of the Earth Spirits felt that making "Big News" wasn't just about revenge.
It was also a way to be seen.
[System Message: Satori Komeiji has officially joined the BBQ.] [Favorability: Neutral -> Interested.] [Leo's Reputation: -50 (Pervert) / +50 (Good Cook) = Net Zero.]