Chapter 171 Seele: Can I go to your house tonight?
"Is it really okay?" "Is it really enough to just do this?" "You're just running away."
The constant interrogation from the depths of her soul made Seele snap her head up. The dim light of the bathroom stall fell across her face as she gazed vacantly at the ceiling. The voice of her other self circled endlessly in her mind.
"Running away again? Do you think you can keep hiding forever?" "Ask your own heart, Seele." "You don't truly believe you're as selfless as you act, do you?"
Black Seele's words held a strange, hypnotic power.
"Admit it, Seele." "Admit that you just want to possess him." "You don't want to give him up to anyone." "You know it well yourself—that time, after you intentionally created the opportunity for him to date Sister Bronya, you watched them from afar the whole time." "When you saw the smiles on their faces during that date, you felt a faint ache in your heart." "You imagined that the one by his side should be you. You want to monopolize his warmth, his body, his everything..."
"That time in the office, when you watched him secretly sleeping, you knew Sister Bronya might arrive soon, yet you still couldn't resist doing those things... If it hadn't been for Peppy appearing, the secret would have been out." "But I know, better than anyone, that in your heart at that moment, there wasn't a trace of embarrassment or guilt." "You only felt a sense of relief and pleasure like never before."
"Especially when you saw Sister Bronya kept in the dark, unaware of your underground romance with Su Mu, oblivious to the intimacy you just shared... while she naively believed your relationship with him was just that of becoming close friends." "You felt your whole body tremble, almost losing control, didn't you? This feeling—it makes you obsessed, nearly driven to madness... You have been enjoying this hidden romance all along, relishing the pleasure of being one step ahead of Sister Bronya, enjoying the feeling of having her in the palm of your hand like a fool..." "Seele, am I right?"
The power of words can be terrifying. It takes only a single moment to demolish a psychological defense. Before her other self, Seele had nowhere to hide. Her shoulders trembled slightly.
"When I heard about Brother Su Mu and Sister Bianca, Seele felt like her heart was breaking..." "But Seele knows she has no right to say these things. It was Seele's selfish request that caused Brother Su Mu to encounter this..." "If I had stood up earlier and bravely said I am Brother Su Mu's girlfriend, maybe this wouldn't have happened..." "It's because Seele is too selfish and too cowardly... I clearly knew Sister Bronya liked him, but I still couldn't control myself and laid a hand on the person she liked!" "And after the fact, I shamelessly hoped Bronya wouldn't resent me..." "Seele made so many excessive demands of Brother Su Mu. It was Seele who personally said how she wanted Brother Su Mu to act..." "But Seele can't stop her mind from wandering. I know I shouldn't overthink it, but I can't control myself, I can't control myself!!"
Seele clutched her head, her face twisting with pain. she had been deceiving herself all along. she thought that by doing this, she could stay by Su Mu's side with a clear conscience. she thought that as long as Su Mu and Bronya were together, she could find satisfaction by basking in a sliver of sunlight and warmth from the gaps between them.
But ugly jealousy was at work. she wasn't as magnanimous, as tolerant, or as... selfless as she appeared. she didn't want to give up this warmth to anyone—not even to Sister Bronya, not even a single spark.
But that massive sense of guilt made it impossible for her to forgive herself.
"Yes, Seele admits it. Seele only wants to possess him. Seele wants to be the only person by his side. Seele wants to be with him forever, from 'Good morning' to 'Good night,' from the ends of the earth to the edge of the sea... Seele wants every beautiful memory of his to include her..." "But what of it? Even if Seele admits it, what can she do?" "What can Seele actually accomplish? Seele doesn't even dare to face Sister Bronya! she doesn't even have the courage to tell Sister Bronya she loves Brother Su Mu! Even if I admit my selfish, dirty thoughts—admit that I'm just a selfish, petty person—what does it change!" "In the end..." "What can I even do?" "This is all I can do, right? At least this way, both Brother Su Mu and Sister Bronya can be happy, and I won't be hated by her."
The girl's heart wept and screamed in silence.
"I don't care. I don't even care about Sister Bronya." However, her other self responded to her like this: "I know making a choice is difficult. Running away is shameful but effective." "But have you really considered it?" "Even if Sister Bronya and Su Mu truly end up together, will your relationship ever be recognized openly?" "You've been thinking this the whole time, haven't you?" "That even after Sister Bronya is with him, you wouldn't mind if your relationship stays hidden." "As long as there is a place for you by his side..." "Even if none of those beautiful 'firsts' belong to you, you'd accept it." "I know your desire for Sister Bronya's happiness is real, but if that happiness is built on your retreat and your grievance—" "I don't want that kind of bullshit happiness!"
Black Seele took a deep breath. "I only care about you. I care about myself." "I can't be as magnanimous as you, and I can't watch another woman by his side while I force a smile and act indifferent." "Do you know why?" "Because I never lie to myself." "Seele, I am you, and you are me. I know what kind of person you are, and you know what kind of existence I am." "Morality, constraints... these things aren't important to me at all." "I only care about my feelings. I only care about your feelings. I only care about—our feelings." "As long as you follow your heart, I will support you regardless of your decision." "You have the right to choose your own life. You have the right to choose to love and be loved. You are not anyone's accessory. You are yourself. You are Seele Vollerei!" "Tell me, Seele! What do you want to do!"
I want to stand by his side. I want to tell everyone that he is the lover who belongs to me. I want the courage to face Sister Bronya directly. I will still hope he can be with Sister Bronya, and that she finds happiness. But. I want to declare to him, to Sister Bronya, and to the whole world... That the first person to stand by his side is ME.
"But it's already over, isn't it?" Seele's face showed a tragic smile. "Brother Su Mu should already be at the award ceremony by now."
—Or so it should have been. Seele looked at her phone. The ceremony was being live-streamed online. Her gaze searched for that one silhouette—but she couldn't find him.
Sirin Kaslana. Bianca Durandal Kaslana. Kiana Kaslana. But Su Mu was nowhere to be found.
What was going on? According to the plan, Sister Bronya, who was watching the stream, should have seen Su Mu and Bianca appearing together and been pushed to change... But Seele couldn't find Su Mu in the footage. A look of confusion crossed her face.
As if realizing something, Seele suddenly stood up. she pushed open the stall door and ran out. she stopped in front of the office marked "Game Director." Her clenched fists were slick with sweat. Having made her decision, she pushed the door open.
Inside the office, Su Mu was sitting at his computer, typing intently. Seele froze on the spot. her eyes widened in total disbelief.
"Brother... Su Mu?"
Su Mu looked up at the sound of her voice and gave her a slight smile. "What's wrong?" The smile was pure, filled with nothing but doting tenderness.
"Aren't you supposed to be at the ceremony?" Su Mu paused at her words, coughed once, and then spoke. "I'm sorry, Seele. I let Bianca and Kiana go together. I explained the misunderstanding between me and Bianca to the teacher."
Seele's face was a mask of bewilderment. "Why?" Her voice trembled. she didn't know what emotion was currently filling her chest. Was it confusion? Joy? Or... relief?
"I'm sorry for wasting your good intentions," Su Mu apologized. "I thought about it a lot afterward. First, this would have a huge impact on Bianca's reputation. Second, I feel like this behavior is deceiving Bronya. Even if I want to pursue her, I shouldn't do it this way." "I want to win fairly, in my own way... a fair match with Bronya." "And..."
Su Mu stood up and walked toward Seele. Seeing him approach, Seele instinctively backed away until her back hit the wall. Su Mu braced his hand against the wall, his face inches from hers. Seele could feel his breath.
"I didn't want to tip over a certain little vinegar jar." Su Mu reached out and gave Seele's forehead a light flick.
"Ow! Brother Su Mu, that hurts!" Seele clutched her forehead, looking at him with watery eyes. The flick had caught her completely off guard.
"It's supposed to hurt. If you keep bottling things up inside instead of telling me, I'm going to have to give you a real scolding next time." Su Mu huffed, feigning anger, though the corners of his mouth were twitching upward. "You were clearly unwilling to let me go with Bianca, and you didn't want us to be mistaken for a couple, right?"
Su Mu's blunt words left Seele stunned. she lowered her head and mumbled, "But... it was Seele's own plan, and then Seele wanted to change her mind at the last minute..."
"Are you an idiot?" Su Mu reached out and began squeezing Seele's cheeks.
"Mwu-mwu! Bwo-ther Su Mwu, stwop, it hworts! (Brother Su Mu, stop, it hurts!)" Watching Seele's face being kneaded like dough, Su Mu didn't stop. He teased her while lecturing her. "If I say we're going camping tomorrow to see the stars, but tomorrow it rains and there are no stars... I'd be in a bad mood. Can't I just change the plan?"
"T-That's different..."
"How is it different? If something makes you unhappy, you just cancel it. It's that simple."
"Wuh?" Su Mu let go of her face. Looking at her reddened cheeks, he sighed and touched his forehead. "Seele."
Sensing the change in his mood, Seele covered her face protectively, fearing another round of kneading. "Yes...? W-What is it?"
"Who am I to you?" "Brother Su Mu?" "If you call me that outside this door, I won't mind. But in private, what should you call me?"
Seele looked at him. After a moment's hesitation, she answered uncertainly: "Dar... Darling?"
Su Mu reached out again and immediately squished her cheeks. "So you do know who I am. Do you know what those words mean? They mean that no matter what, you can come to me. When you're happy, I'm happy with you. When you're sad, I'm sad with you..." "I will support any decision you make. I will listen to anything you want to say... because you are my lover, Seele."
Seele's eyes widened. Looking at Su Mu, tears began to fall uncontrollably. "Eh? Why... why am I crying... how strange..." she wiped at the tears, but they wouldn't stop. "I-I'm not... I'm so happy, really happy, but... Seele doesn't know why the tears won't stop..."
Su Mu pulled her into a tight embrace, stroking her back. He could feel her body shaking. After a long time, she finally stopped trembling.
"Brother Su Mu." "Mhm." "I'm sorry. Seele was actually very jealous that Sister Bianca and you were mistaken for a couple. Seele wished... that your wife was Seele."
"I'm the one who should say sorry, Seele. I was wavering before, just passively accepting things and letting you handle the relationship between me and Bronya alone."
Seele looked up. Her face, stained from crying, looked like a messy little kitten—both silly and cute. "Seele likes you, and Seele likes Sister Bronya too. So, Seele also wants Sister Bronya to be happy. But even so, Seele gets jealous when she sees you and Sister Bronya together." "So, Seele wants to do many things with Brother Su Mu. many things Sister Bronya has never done. I want Brother Su Mu to remember firmly that Seele is your first lover."
Su Mu looked at the "kitten" face full of determination and found it both adorable and funny. "Then shouldn't my first lover do something as a gesture right now?"
Two flushes of crimson bloomed on Seele's cheeks. she gave Su Mu's chest a light playful punch, and then, without any hesitation, pressed her lips against his.
I'm sorry, Sister Bronya. Seele greedily savored the moment, apologizing to Bronya in her heart. I want you to be happy too. But before that, Seele is going to step ahead of you and pursue her own happiness.
After about a minute, they finally pulled apart. However, Seele stayed leaned against Su Mu's chest. she was flushed, her heavy breathing mixing with her floral scent—an intoxicating aroma. Su Mu realized his heartstrings were being pulled by the sound of her soft gasps.
As if having reached a final resolution, Seele gently pushed back from his chest and straightened her clothes. she toyed with her short hair with her fingers for a moment, then, face burning, she whispered:
"...Can I go to your house tonight?"
END OF CHAPTER
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