"Um, Ōnoki... actually, Madara was also reincarnated through Edo Tensei."
Once Hashirama hatched his little idea, he immediately dropped the bomb to test the waters.
"What?!" Ōnoki gasped, utterly horrified. "Who did it? Who the hell did it?! Do they not understand Uchiha Madara's terrifying ambitions? The shinobi world has finally settled into peace! Why the hell would anyone bring Uchiha Madara back?! Who exactly—"
"Uh, calm down first."
Watching Ōnoki frantically pace back and forth, repeating the exact same few lines like a broken record while completely losing the calm, dignified composure he'd shown just seconds ago, Hashirama felt completely certain.
This stubborn little old man had absolutely been traumatized to his core by Madara!
"Madara, he's actually..." Hashirama filled Ōnoki in, explaining that Madara was currently chilling in Sunagakure, aggressively pursuing Granny Chiyo.
"Impossible! Absolutely impossible! Uchiha Madara's heart is literally made of solid stone! How could a monster like him possibly like women? And an old woman at that!"
The more Ōnoki listened, the more thoroughly shocked his expression became.
In the end, he clenched both fists and loudly rejected the entire concept.
"Uh, strictly speaking, to a guy Madara's age, Chiyo actually counts as a young girl," Hashirama corrected him.
"..."
Ōnoki's expression completely stiffened.
After doing the mental math, he realized that was actually terrifyingly accurate.
But was that the core issue here?
"Whether she's an old woman or a young girl, no matter how you spin it, there is absolutely no way a guy like Madara could ever like women, much less actively 'pursue' one!" Ōnoki doubled down, his voice ringing with absolute certainty.
"You're making it sound like Madara prefers men." Hashirama curled his lips in mild offense.
"Besides, do you know Madara better, or do I? Sure, a person might not change their stripes until the day they die, but Madara has already died once. It really isn't that strange for him to have a change of heart."
"That..." Ōnoki was momentarily left speechless.
After all, Senju Hashirama's logic actually sounded pretty reasonable on the surface.
But Hashirama completely overlooked one glaring detail: Madara's death wasn't a "true" death in the spiritual sense.
The guy had died fully holding onto the ironclad belief that he would absolutely be resurrected in the future.
The death that truly broke Madara and forced him to change was the one at the very end of the Fourth Shinobi World War in the original timeline.
"Lord Hashirama, are you absolutely certain?" After a long silence, Ōnoki pressed him again.
"Of course I am. I saw it with my own two eyes! Just a few days ago, I even spent several days carrying their shopping bags like a pack mule while they went out." Hashirama nodded firmly, deciding to use the absurd truth to comfort the old man.
"So, Ōnoki, look at it this way: even a guy like Madara has turned into a giant softie. It's time for you to step out of your trauma, too."
"Lord Hashirama, I genuinely believe you wouldn't lie to me. It's just..." Ōnoki opened his mouth to argue, but when he stared into Hashirama's large, pure, unblinkingly 'honest' eyes, he swallowed the rest of his words.
Since Hashirama personally confirmed it, Ōnoki immediately believed the facts.
But he absolutely did not believe that Madara had genuinely changed.
He firmly believed the Uchiha ghost was definitely brewing some massive, world-ending conspiracy!
He just couldn't say that out loud to Senju Hashirama.
This was pure survival instinct, honed over decades of serving as Tsuchikage.
Judging by the current vibe, Hashirama definitely trusted Madara more than him. If Ōnoki bluntly accused Madara of plotting something, Hashirama would definitely march right over and alert the guy.
Then it would become insanely difficult to catch Madara slipping later.
"Just what? Have you still not let it go?" Hashirama let out a heavy sigh. "Tell you what. I'll take you over to meet Madara, and you can see his current attitude with your own eyes. That should be enough to prove it, right?"
"That works. Sunagakure is indeed a place I need to visit anyway. However, Lord Hashirama, after hearing your words, I have actually already let go of half my fear. It is just..."
Ōnoki paused right there.
He gritted his teeth, fully committing to shouldering the heavy burden and picking the Will of Stone back up.
For the sake of protecting the peace of the shinobi world, throwing a little personal dignity in the dirt was absolutely nothing!
"It's just that Chiyo was the one true love of my life! Uchiha Madara is a dead man who should have stayed buried in the dirt ages ago. How could a monster like him possibly be worthy of the peerlessly beautiful Chiyo?! I must go to Sunagakure and snatch Chiyo right back from Uchiha Madara!"
"HUH?" Hashirama stood completely stunned.
'Another one of Chiyo's pursuers?'
Wait a second.
Was Chiyo really some unparalleled, unmatched beauty back in the day?
Was she seriously the crush of half the shinobi world?
But if that was genuinely the case, then he could totally understand why Ōnoki suddenly claimed he had conquered the deepest fear in his heart.
It was all for the sake of love!
That made perfect sense.
It wasn't strange at all!
"A-All right, fine. But don't you bully Madara. You two have to compete fairly," Hashirama warned, the corner of his mouth twitching twice.
'Bully?'
Ōnoki, who had his eyes clamped shut, actively suffering from the sheer, burning shame of spouting such perverted and embarrassing romantic lines, completely froze when he heard that word.
Him? Bully Madara?
What the hell was Madara in the First Hokage's eyes?
A helpless, cute little pet?
Or... was it that Madara was currently forced to disguise himself as a harmless civilian for the sake of his grand conspiracy and literally couldn't afford to fight back?
'Yeah, that's highly likely,' Ōnoki thought, secretly nodding to confirm his own wild guess.
"Lord Hashirama, let us set off."
"Mm, yeah. Well, actually, you go on ahead. I still need to buy some local specialties around here before I head back to Amegakure." Hashirama awkwardly waved his hands, completely dodging Ōnoki's invitation to travel together.
Ever since he found out Ōnoki was planning to fight Madara in a full-blown love triangle over Chiyo, Hashirama totally lost all desire to go back.
He really couldn't stomach watching a cringy, geriatric soap opera play out in real time.
Rather than torturing himself with that, he might as well just kick back and read Kakashi and Jiraiya's latest smut novels.
In any case, Madara was currently strapped for chakra and posed no actual threat to anyone.
And as for Ōnoki, after chatting with him for a bit, Hashirama felt the guy was pretty decent.
He'd probably keep his word and wouldn't abuse his jutsu to beat up a frail Madara.
So there was absolutely nothing to worry about.
And so, Ōnoki got fast-tracked to Sunagakure via the Flying Raijin squad.
Hashirama hung back, waiting for the four-man squad to return and warp him back to Amegakure.
As for that lame excuse about needing to "buy local specialties"? Total bullshit just to ditch Ōnoki.
"Huh? Didn't they say Grandpa came this way? Where the heck is he?"
A sharp voice suddenly dropped from the sky.
Before Hashirama could even tilt his head up, the speaker had already touched down on the dirt.
It was Kurotsuchi, the Fourth Tsuchikage.
"The First Hokage?" Kurotsuchi shot Hashirama a deeply suspicious glare.
She naturally knew all about high-profile Edo Tensei figures like the First Hokage roaming around. But why the heck was the God of Shinobi loitering in her backyard?
"You didn't beat my grandpa into dust, did you?" Kurotsuchi aggressively scanned the dirt around them, as if trying to identify which specific pile of mud looked most like Ōnoki's scattered ashes.
"No, I didn't. Your grandfather got picked up by the Flying Raijin squad. He went off to Sunagakure. He..." Senju Hashirama hesitated for a second.
But after chewing on it, he figured Kurotsuchi—as Ōnoki's actual blood relative—had the right to know where the old man went and what his ultimate goal was.
Besides, this was totally a good thing.
If Kurotsuchi didn't support Ōnoki's late-stage twilight romance, Hashirama could even step in, act as the enthusiastic bystander, and help persuade her.
"Your grandfather went to track down Chiyo."
"Huh?"
"Actually, your grandmother wasn't your grandfather Ōnoki's true first love. Back in the day, your grandfather Ōnoki was absolutely obsessed with Chiyo's peerless beauty—and those were his exact words, by the way.
In the past, he was way too busy with his Tsuchikage duties and devoted his entire life to the village, so he never actually pursued those feelings. But now that you've officially taken over his position and he's finally got some free time, he's gearing up to make up for the massive regrets of his life before he kicks the bucket. And one of those ultimate regrets is Chiyo, his first true love."
Senju Hashirama explained the entire soap opera with a completely dead-serious expression.