"This..." Hiruzen winced, his expression turning painfully awkward.
He never expected Jiraiya to see right through his little scheme so quickly, let alone refuse to give him even a shred of face.
The idiot wasn't even willing to play dumb.
"Jiraiya, I cannot betray Biwako..."
"You sure didn't say that when you used the crystal ball to peep at the women's bathhouse." Jiraiya ruthlessly cut off Hiruzen's excuse with a look of pure contempt.
"..."
Hiruzen's face flushed even deeper.
His mind raced, frantically searching for another loophole to wriggle out of this mess. Surprisingly, he actually pulled one out of his hat.
"Jiraiya, we have to stop Uchiha Madara's scheme, but we can't afford to tip him off. That means we need to pry them apart using a completely legitimate excuse.
In that case, how about the ultimate separation of yin and yang, life and death? One of them is breathing, and the other is a corpse. They literally belong to two different worlds. Uchiha Madara might only want some platonic affection, but Chiyo can't survive on that alone!
You know the old saying: at thirty a woman is like a wolf, at forty like a tiger, at fifty like rare earth, at sixty like an Almighty Push, and at seventy like a full-blown Chibaku Tensei...
Just a while ago, didn't those wild rumors claim Granny Chiyo wanted Kakashi to give her another son? We can totally weaponize that to block Madara!"
Hiruzen delivered this unhinged speech with a perfectly righteous expression.
After finishing, he secretly exhaled a heavy sigh of relief, genuinely marveling at his own quick wit for conjuring up such a flawless excuse on the fly.
He quickly tacked on, "Since we're trying to sabotage Madara and Chiyo's twisted human-ghost romance, we need to lead by example. As a dead man myself, I naturally can't go courting Chiyo.
Besides, Jiraiya, you know Edo Tensei isn't exactly an exclusive secret anymore. I actually want that traitorous disciple Orochimaru to resurrect Biwako so she can enjoy life a little too. While we're at it, we can popularize normal pairings and set a healthy societal standard. The living belong with the living, and the dead belong with the dead.
At a critical juncture like this, I absolutely cannot do anything that betrays Biwako."
Hiruzen appealed with both deep emotion and ironclad logic, leaving Jiraiya completely stumped for a few seconds.
But just rolling over and accepting defeat? Jiraiya refused!
Why the hell should he be the only one forced to woo an ancient fossil?
"Old man, how about this?" Jiraiya pitched a counter-offer. "One of us operates in the light, and the other in the shadows. You stay hidden and disguise yourself as an Edo Tensei Danzo. If I'm operating out in the open, there might be lines I can't freely cross. When things get messy, you can step out and deploy some... extraordinary methods."
"That wouldn't be very appropriate, would it? Not many people even know Danzo is dead, and nobody realizes he failed to leave behind any viable cells. Disguising as him isn't the problem, but..."
"Old man, if you keep trying to dodge this, believe it or not, I'll slit my own throat and ascend straight to the Pure Land right now! Then I'll just pay Orochimaru to drag me back via Edo Tensei. Worst-case scenario, I become a dead man too, and then we'll see who gets shoved onto the frontlines!"
Jiraiya glared at him, thoroughly pissed off.
He had already compromised this much, yet the Third still had the nerve to refuse?
"Fine." Helpless, Hiruzen caved.
'Thinking about it from another angle,' Hiruzen reasoned, 'I'll be wearing Danzo's face anyway. As long as I'm careful and no one figures out it's actually me under the hood, the only reputation getting ruined is Danzo's!'
And did Danzo even have a reputation left to ruin? No.
So there was no problem.
With the deal struck, Sarutobi Hiruzen popped a Transformation Jutsu and morphed into Danzo.
As one half of the legendary "Danzo takes the blame, Hiruzen regrets it" duo, the Third Hokage possessed absolute, flawless control over Danzo's grim expression and rigid posture.
"Perfect! Old man, let's roll! Hehe, let's go show Granny Chiyo what the 'deep, dark Root' really means."
A totally lecherous grin stretched across Jiraiya's face.
Hiruzen's expression completely stiffened.
Why did that phrasing make it sound like he, the guy hiding in the shadows, was actually going to be the frontline vanguard?
But he couldn't afford to stress over the semantics right now.
They needed to move.
Every second they wasted opened the door for more disaster.
Hiruzen spawned a Shadow Clone and dispatched it to brief the Second Hokage.
Immediately after, the duo tracked down the four-man Flying Raijin squad and warped straight to Sunagakure.
....
At the Kazekage Building.
"May I ask where Granny Chiyo is?" Jiraiya barged into Gaara's office, demanded the old woman's coordinates from the lone Kazekage, and then immediately spun on his heel and bailed.
The Third—disguised as Danzo and lurking in the shadows outside—tailed right behind him.
....
Meanwhile, in Iwagakure.
A fiercely enraged Rōshi came kicking down the doors.
Rōshi was a brutally straightforward man with a notoriously fiery temper.
He wore his emotions right on his sleeve—otherwise, he never would have abandoned the village just because of a screaming match with Ōnoki.
So, the second he discovered his rugged image had been so thoroughly dragged through the mud, he marched right back to demand answers.
Naturally, Kurotsuchi instantly shifted the blame, swearing up and down that she had absolutely nothing to do with it.
She also made it crystal clear that she was the Tsuchikage now, not her stubborn grandfather.
As long as Rōshi agreed to officially return to Iwagakure, she could guarantee him high status, a solid position, and even offer her personal assistance in taking sweet revenge on Ōnoki.
That's right.
According to Kurotsuchi's completely fabricated narrative, Ōnoki was the greedy mastermind who sold Rōshi's image rights to those sleazy advertisers.
Rōshi never expected Ōnoki's own flesh-and-blood granddaughter to take his side.
He was genuinely surprised, mildly curious, and obviously highly suspicious.
Then Kurotsuchi dropped the bombshell: Ōnoki had sprinted off to Sunagakure to chase after Chiyo and spark a steamy twilight romance.
Rōshi didn't buy a single word of it.
In his mind, Ōnoki was an inflexible, stone-faced rock. He just wasn't that kind of guy!
"Rōshi-senpai, my grandfather already has one foot firmly in the grave, and he finally dropped the crushing burden of being Tsuchikage. All he wants now is to make up for the massive regrets of his past," Kurotsuchi pitched.
"I know this totally contradicts Grandfather's usual uptight style, but does selling your image to a shady pharmacy sound like his style either? And yet, he clearly still did it! Grandfather is desperately trying to fill the gaping void in his heart and erase his regrets. He's honestly started letting himself go."
"Rōshi-senpai, let me give you some advice. I completely understand your anger. My grandfather completely trashed your hard-earned reputation. But if you look at it from another angle, this is actually a massive advantage. Whoa... don't get mad! Just hear me out first!"
"You endorsed that specific kind of product. Now, your image across the entire shinobi world has morphed into that of a virile, unstoppable alpha male. In that specific arena, you hold an overwhelming natural advantage.
Doesn't my grandfather view Granny Chiyo as his flawless 'white moonlight' and one true love? Then, Rōshi-senpai, use your unstoppable charm to steal her right out from under him! Force my grandfather to watch the love of his life walk away! Make him suffer brutal heartbreak and feel so much pure agony he actively wishes he were dead! How's that for revenge?!"
The more Kurotsuchi spoke, the more wildly excited she became.
"..."
Drowned by Kurotsuchi's overwhelming wave of twisted logic, Rōshi's stubborn, one-track mind totally short-circuited.
Hook, line, and sinker, he was successfully fooled and geared up to march on Sunagakure!
But Kurotsuchi didn't forget the actual mission objective.
She ordered Rōshi to link up with Kazekage Gaara—a fellow jinchūriki.
She briefed him on the mysterious faction actively hunting Tailed Beasts, stressing that now was the critical time for all of them to unite.
And so, Rōshi also touched down in Sunagakure.
"As for the jinchūriki alliance, I'll hash out the details with Lord Kazekage once I wrap up my personal business. For now, please tell this old man exactly where Chiyo is."
At the Kazekage Building, yet another powerhouse had kicked down the door to demand Granny Chiyo's location—Rōshi.
After Gaara numbly pointed Rōshi in the exact same direction as the others, the young Kazekage was left sitting at his desk, absolutely, thoroughly baffled.
.....
Dang should we make a vote who Chiyo ends up with lmaooo