"After we finished eating, we ran into Uncle B. He was about to leave the village to find a suitable candidate, so we talked for a while," Naruto explained.
"Uncle B said he and Uncle Raikage once went to a place called Hōzuki Castle, where they ran into Makoto-nii. There was something called the Box of Ultimate Bliss there. A monster lived inside it, and it was so good at dodging that nobody could land a hit on it.
If Uncle B had known my shortcut back then, he wouldn't even have needed to enter Sage Mode! Just emptying his mind would've let him defeat the monster alone! He said it was a shame they couldn't deal with the monster themselves and even had to ask Makoto-nii for help. The Box of Ultimate Bliss was destroyed too.
Hey, Kakashi-sensei, do you know what the Box of Ultimate Bliss is?"
Naruto transformed into a curious toddler and began firing off questions.
"No. Judging by the name, it was probably some powerful ancient artifact.
An artifact... Could it have been one of the Sage of Six Paths' Treasured Tools?" Kakashi claimed not to know, yet his brain automatically began analyzing the tactical lore.
Kumogakure possessing some of the Sage's Treasured Tools was no secret.
It would hardly be strange if they also held classified information about other ancient artifacts connected to him.
"But why is it called 'Ultimate Bliss'?" Naruto asked, scratching his head. "From Uncle B's description, it didn't make anyone happy at all."
"..."
Kakashi had not expected Naruto to get hung up on the vocabulary.
Perhaps this was the tragedy of having no formal education!
"Naruto, 'ultimate bliss' is a religious term. It refers to paradise—the Pure Land," Kakashi patiently began his cultural lesson.
"What are paradise and the Pure Land?" Naruto continued scratching his head.
"...The place people go after death. People hope to enter paradise when they die, so—"
"I get it!" Naruto finally understood and loudly interrupted him. "So that's why people say, 'Death isn't frightening. Death is a cool summer night,' right?"
"Uh... more or less." Kakashi wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.
Eating a massive bowl of hot ramen had not made him sweat, but trying to give Naruto a basic cultural education nearly drenched him!
"So that's how it works?" Konohamaru's eyes widened. "Then Grandpa and Uncle Asuma went to the Pure Land—to paradise—after they died?"
"Theoretically, yes. But Lord Third was brought back to the living world through the Edo Tensei, so he isn't in the Pure Land anymore. Oh, right. The 'Impure World' in Edo Tensei is the literal opposite of the Pure Land." Kakashi nodded.
Teaching Konohamaru was a much more pleasant experience.
Unfortunately, Kakashi celebrated way too soon.
He forgot that Konohamaru had inherited the teachings of the number one unpredictable ninja, Naruto.
Without Ebisu constantly restraining him, the kid was no longer the innocent child he once was.
"Paradise is the world without ultimate..... misery. No wonder Lady Tsunade said Grandpa keeps begging to undo the Edo Tensei and return to the Pure Land! So that's the reason!" Konohamaru nodded in profound realization.
"..."
Kakashi was utterly speechless.
Wasn't it blatantly obvious that Lord Third wanted to die again because he was being worked half to death as a disposable corporate zombie and desperately wanted to escape the shinobi rat race?
Kakashi himself was one of Tsunade's overworked victims, so he understood Sarutobi Hiruzen's feelings extremely well.
Though perhaps "understand" was not quite accurate.
An Edo Tensei body never experienced physical fatigue.
Kakashi was rather curious what true mental exhaustion felt like when neither the brain nor the body could actually shut down to sleep.
"The World Without Ultimate Misery? I get it now!" Naruto's eyes suddenly lit up with a terrifying spark of inspiration.
"So the silicone toys sold at the 'Bottle-kun' stores aren't manufactured by normal people at all! They're summoned from the World Without Ultimate Misery!
Pervy Sage once told me that my senpai Nagato's Rinnegan controlled the power of life and death. He also said something about me betraying him in another timeline, but I don't really remember. I think Nagato-senpai was also good at the Summoning Jutsu. He could summon giant hellhounds and all kinds of bizarre creatures that clearly weren't from the human world.
Anyway, Nagato-senpai controls life and death and can summon things from the world of the dead. That means those specific ninja tools were actually summoned by Nagato straight from the World Without Ultimate Misery!
No wonder they're so expensive!"
Naruto's absolute leap in logic nearly made Kakashi's head explode.
Fortunately, Kakashi was still eating ramen.
The steady supply of hot carbohydrates kept his brain from completely flatlining.
"Naruto, what kind of absolute nonsense are you talking about?! What connection do those things possibly have to each other? And call it 'paradise' properly! Stop inventing alternate names!" Kakashi hurriedly shut the conspiracy theory down.
If this continued, Kakashi would never be able to look at the word "paradise" normally ever again!
"But it really is bliss!" Naruto immediately replaced "World Without Ultimate Misery" with "paradise" just as instructed, growing more excited with every word.
"Using a 'paradise' ninja tool really does bring pure happiness, and once you're finished, your mind becomes completely empty! So the proper tactical countermeasure for the Box of Ultimate Bliss was to use an 'Ultimate Bliss' ninja tool!"
"It all fits! I'm starting to understand everything!"
"...Forget it. Naruto, keep talking if you have any more ideas." Kakashi took a deep breath and finally surrendered to the madness.
Rather than argue with an idiot, he might as well record the boy's deranged rambling and use it as raw material for his new novel.
Kakashi slurped down the last of his ramen, pushed the empty bowl aside, pulled out several tissues to wipe the table, and set his notebook down.
He clicked his pen and prepared to take notes.
"..."
"Naruto? Go on." Kakashi prompted.
After jotting down what Naruto already said, Kakashi noticed the room had fallen dead silent.
He looked up and found Naruto straining desperately to think of a continuation.
"I can't think of anything else! I-I-I need to go find inspiration!" Naruto felt terribly frustrated.
When he was actively arguing against Kakashi, the bizarre ideas poured from his mind effortlessly.
But the moment Kakashi agreed with him and genuinely wanted to listen, Naruto's brain completely blue-screened.
It was painfully awkward.
Naruto bolted out of the room before Kakashi could stop him.
Seeing his big brother run away, Konohamaru quickly informed Kakashi and hurried out the door after him.
Kakashi could only sigh helplessly and return to outlining his own plot.
"What a shame Uncle B already left for the Island Turtle. If he were still here, I could ask him for more details about the Box of Ultimate Bliss. Then the brilliant Lord Uzumaki Naruto might've deduced a brand new theory."
Naruto wandered through Kumogakure's streets, sighing in disappointment.
Killer B had gone to find a suitable Sage Mode candidate.
He might even start training with the person immediately.
And nobody knew how long it would take the rapper to return.
"Huh? What's that?"
As Naruto continued walking, he reached a sparsely populated commercial district near the village outskirts and spotted a shop that seemed both familiar and unfamiliar.
It was familiar because he had often seen Jiraiya sneaking into places exactly like it.
Naruto and Konohamaru had also visited similar establishments several times while studying and refining the Sexy Jutsu—all in the noble, academic pursuit of reviewing old knowledge and discovering new artistic inspiration.
It was a bookstore.
But its neon signs and covered windows clearly marked it as very different from the standard bookstores back in Konoha.
Driven by sheer curiosity, Naruto casually strolled toward the entrance.
"Stop right there. How old are you?"
The massive bouncer at the entrance raised a hand and blocked his path.