Chapter 311: Bochi-Jam
At the perimeter of the Valley Base, the two Skeleton Kings on sentry duty
stiffened as they localized a familiar blue silhouette bouncing toward them.
Usually, they would wave their bony hands and offer a spirited "Good cycle, Lord
Bochi!" Today, they simply straightened their spines, gripped their greatswords
until the iron creaked, and stared fixedly into the distance as if the slime
were a statistical null-value.
Bochi skidded to a halt at the gates, sensing the atmospheric shift.
"Hey! You lot! Why have you neglected the standard greeting protocol today?!"
One of the Skeleton Kings' jawbones clicked once, but he remained silent. The
other guard simply tapped the hilt of his blade against the stone—a minimal
gesture of acknowledgement.
"Hmph. Fine. Be boring then."
Bochi grumbled, bouncing between the two silent guardians.
The further it moved into the base, the higher its internal alarm-rating
climbed. Every undead it encountered—patrolling soldiers, skeletal gardeners,
even the logistical porters—looked at Bochi as if it were a high-tier biohazard.
They kept their skulls low and accelerated their pace, desperate to evacuate its
immediate sector.
This is a logic error, Bochi thought. A monumental one.
In the past, every return was a festival. The soldiers would swarm it, offer
tactile head-pats, and occasionally slip it high-tier alchemical snacks.
Did the Sovereign pass a new decree? Is it now illegal to converse with a King
of Gomoku?
With its core vibrating with unease, Bochi finally reached the crooked little
wooden shack. It hesitated at the door, its tiny tentacles trembling, before
summoning the courage to push the wood open.
The interior was a void of sound.
Kaito was seated at the table, a fishing rod in his hands. He appeared to be
conducting a meticulously slow inspection of the line for structural tangles. He
looked like an ordinary retired unit preparing for a mundane excursion.
"MASTER! I HAVE ACHIEVED EXTRACTION!"
Bochi lunged into the room, its voice a frantic attempt to break the heavy
silence. Kaito didn't look up, offering only a flat, uninformative "Mmh."
Bochi bounced onto the table, presenting the leather-bound Petition like a holy
relic.
"Master, observe! This is the yield of my expedition!"
"The humans of that coordinate petition for vassalage! They offered an inventory
of unique artifacts!"
"They were remarkably submissive! They provided a whole sector full of cakes!"
Bochi's vibration increased, its body performing a series of hopeful vertical
hops, awaiting the "Grand Prize" for its diplomatic excellence.
Kaito finally set the rod aside. He lifted his skull, the soulfire in his
sockets watching Bochi with a stillness that made the slime's color fade to a
pale, nervous grey.
"Is that so?" Kaito asked. His tone was as flat as a grave. "They provided you
with sustenance?"
"Uh-huh! Absolute truth!" Bochi nodded frantically. "They designated me as a
'Great Envoy'! They addressed me as 'Lord Bochi'!"
"And what data did you provide in return for this 'Lord' status?"
"I simply informed them of the reality! That I am the Sovereign's treasure! That
you possess a high-tier affection for me! I stated that as long as I authorize
it, you will approve any request!"
Bochi puffed out its chest, radiating a pride that was statistically excessive.
Kaito's soulfire pulsed once. "Commendable honesty. Your courage variable is...
high."
Kaito extended a bony hand, retrieving the Petition and flipping through a few
pages with a casual, clinical rhythm.
"Naturally!" Bochi chirped, its "Arrogance" parameter hitting the redline. "I am
the First Slime of the Evernight! I am peerlessly brave!"
"Adequate."
Kaito snapped the report shut and tossed it onto the table.
Then, he snapped his fingers.
A Shadow Guard manifested from Kaito's shadow, dropping to one knee.
"Provide a playback," Kaito commanded. "Deliver a word-for-word summary of the
events in the Eldritch Realm to our 'Great Envoy,' Lord Bochi."
"As commanded."
The Phantom's voice was a cold, featureless drone.
It began the narrative. It recounted how Bochi had "saved" a human girl named
Sora only to immediately leak sensitive Imperial data to satisfy its own
vanity-parameters.
It detailed Bochi's reckless behavioral deviations. It listed every General and
every tactical secret the slime had casually discarded in conversation.
It provided a full playback of Kenji's council meetings, mimicking the human
voices to show exactly how the Federation had analyzed, manipulated, and herded
Bochi using low-tier glucose lures and sycophancy.
As the Shadow Guard reached the section where the humans laughed about how easy
the slime was to trick, Bochi's joy began to undergo a total structural
collapse. Its body shrank visibly. Its black eyes were wide with a mixture of
terror and a "How-Could-You" betrayal.
You 二五仔 (Traitorous Snitch)! You sold me out! I shared the sensory data of those
cakes with you! You didn't even eat them, but still! This violates the
brother-unit code!
The Phantom delivered the final syllable and dissolved back into Kaito's shadow.
The shack was returned to a heavy, ringing silence. Bochi was now a tiny,
shivering blue sphere on the floorboards.
"Logic check?" Kaito asked. The tone was calm, but to Bochi, it sounded like the
terminal bell of an execution.
"Does the 'First Slime' have a final assessment of his performance?"
"Master... I... I made a logic error..." Bochi whimpered, its voice breaking
into a tearful frequency. "I shall not replicate the deviation..."
"You recognize the error now?"
Kaito stood up, walking toward the trembling blob.
"Too late."
Kaito's bony hand shot out, seizing Bochi in an iron grip.
"I RECOGNIZE THE ERROR, MASTER! TRULY! JUST DO NOT PROCESS ME INTO BOCHI-JAM!!"
Bochi let out a series of high-pitched, desperate shrieks. Kaito's soulfire
flickered with a mischievous light.
"An intriguing proposal. Regrettably, my motivation for jam-production is low
today."
Kaito's gauntlets began to exert pressure.
Stretch. Fold. Stretch again.
He began to knead the slime like a lump of industrial dough. Bochi was pulled
into a long strand, folded into a cube, then twisted into a spiral.
"WAAAAAH! I AM BEING PULVERIZED! MY FRAME IS LOSING COHESION!"
"That is for unauthorized diplomacy," Kaito murmured, pulling Bochi into a thin,
translucent sheet before rolling it up like a crepe.
"That is for vanity-driven data leakage."
Kaito flattened the rolled-up Bochi against the table, patting it down like a
wet rag.
"And that is for assuming my affection is a resource you can leverage for 'Lord'
status."
Finally, Kaito spread the nearly unconscious Bochi flat against the wood. A
perfect, circular, shivering blue pancake was complete.
"Is your system clear now?" Kaito asked, tapping the center of the "pancake"
with a knuckle.
"Uuu..." a weak, defeated vibration was the only reply.
Kaito wasn't finished. He snapped his fingers again.
A small pouch filled with gold coins and shimmering stones was ejected from
Bochi's internal furnace, landing in Kaito's palm. It was the slime's entire
savings of allowance-coin.
"In light of your tactical negligence, all liquid assets are hereby
confiscated."
Kaito unceremoniously pocketed the bag.
"補藥 (NOOOOOO)!"
Seeing its private treasury liquidated, Bochi let out a shriek more tragic than
when it was being kneaded. "That was my fund for the limited-edition strawberry
rolls!"
Kaito's soulfire pulsed. "It appears your idleness has reached its threshold."
"Since you enjoy 'Social Engagement' and possess an 'Unique Understanding' of
games..."
"From this cycle forward, your leave is terminated. You will return to the
Evernight Academy as a Senior Special-Guest Lecturer for the Gomoku Interest
Group."
"I... I was on holiday..." The "Bochi-Pancake" manifested two eyes filled with
terminal despair.
"Holiday? In the Evernight, 'Holiday' is a status reserved for redundant units."
Kaito nodded. "And you, Bochi-sensei, are essential. Furthermore, you are
prohibited from exiting the Academy perimeter without a direct mandate from me."
"All dessert-rations are suspended indefinitely. You are transitioned to the
'Balanced Nutrient' protocol: Carrots. Daily."
"Car... Carrots..."
Bochi felt the world turning grey. No freedom. No coin. No cake. Just a lifetime
of teaching rowdy children and eating high-fiber vegetables.
This is a fate worse than Jam, it thought.
"Now, report to your station, Bochi-sensei."
Kaito waved a hand, and a teleportation array ignited on the table. The blue
pancake, along with its desperate wails, vanished into a flare of light.
Silence finally returned to the shack.
Kaito sat back down, picking up the leather-bound Petition Bochi had brought.
This time, he didn't skim. He read with a predatory, clinical focus.
The data was comprehensive. Classifications of Anomalies. Global threat-tiers.
And a long, frantic list of the "Tributes" the humans were willing to surrender
for his mercy.
Kaito's jawbone clicked. Entertainment, indeed.
☆☆☆
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