"Do you regret it?" I asked, standing at a respectful distance behind her "these three past years ?"
"Regret ? Why would i ? No way! If anything, this can be considered to be the best three years of my entire life!" She turned to me, her face glowing with a frantic, electric energy "Perhaps... the best that I'll ever have, including whatever is left of my life."
"...I am glad." I felt a sudden, sharp pang in my chest. I managed a small, stiff smile.
I really am.
"Of course! I learnt many things, met new people..." She paused, her gaze softening as it lingered on me. "got to know certain people. And then also..."
Throughout our whole conversation, her smile never left her face. It was always there on her face. Always there.
And the question that rose seven years ago in my heart in the ball, rose again.
"Also ?" I asked.
"You know that i have been sick since childhood, right ?"
"It's a well-known fact."
"Yes." She looked down at the crowd of students below, their laughter drifting up to us like a distant memory. "you see, I have never been outside of my home that much. The only time I went out was during Ball parties and occasional picnics. So, spending the entire three years out of our territory, without my parents around me, with so many strangers around was a brand new experience. A pleasant experience, in fact."
"So ? Did you enjoy it ?" I asked.
"I did. More than I ever hoped for." she said. Then, her voice dropped an octave, losing its playful lilt "do you know what the doctor said when I was first diagnosed with this illness ?"
"I do not."
"Well ? Can you guess ?" She said with eyes that were full of mischief.
"I cannot." I said in a stoic voice, not entertaining her mischief.
"Hmph! You're no fun!" She pouted, but the expression quickly melted into something somber. Her voice became small, stripped of its armor "He said that I would be lucky if I could even make it past twenty five"
"What ?" I asked, my voice barely a rasp. A thunder seemed to have suddenly fallen on me. An extreme shock.
So, I asked for confirmation. I needed to hear it again. I wanted-no, needed the words I just heard, to be a mistake, a joke, a misinterpretation of medical jargon.
It was as if, The world seemed to tilt on its axis.
This was not a well known fact. And I, obviously, did not know it either. The shock i felt when those words fell in my ears was beyond imagination, It was something I could not or Cannot even Convey with just words.
"Yes, And that's why I was so insistent on coming to the academy." She said with a smile.
A smile through which I could not see,
Again.
"I mean, Would it not be a shame to not experience academy life, at least once before it all ends," she was still smiling "I studied a lot to get into the best academy, you know... and behold! The first rank in the best Human Academy! Aren't i awesome ?"
Even while speaking of her own demise, the smile was still plastered on her face.
"...Yes, You... are"
Just like seven years ago.
How ?
I do not understand.
I can't. Just can't.
Even while speaking of her own demise, the smile stayed plastered on her face.
How? How can you look at the end of your life and find a reason to brag about a test score?
"How can you ...smile like that ?" So, I asked, my voice trembling with a frequency I didn't recognize.
'If you do not understand something, Ask the person who does'- These were her own words.
"Hmm ?"
I clenched my fist so hard, I could feel the sharp bite of my nails perhaps digging into the meat of my palms. I looked at her, my vision blurring at the edges. "How can you smile like that ? As if it's all nothing ?! You're talking about your own ...end.... So how ?"
I unknowingly lost my cool. I don't know what kind of face i am making, right now.
Is it a saddened expression ?
Or maybe an enraged expression ?
Or perhaps ....A disappointed expression ?
I didn't know and i didn't care.
I needed an answer. I needed her to stop pretending that the world, her world is not falling apart. Because in my knowledge, In her situation, in a state like hers, anyone else's world would. All this have to be just her acting tough! It has to!
"You were like this even on that banquet night! Seven years ago! Even when the count asked you if you were fine! Even when you were suffering! Always! Always! You were smiling! Why ?! Just ...Why?" At the end, My voice softened, as if there was no air left in my lungs.
Lashing out like this is not like me at all. It goes beyond what i had been taught. I don't even know why i am acting like this.
She's just a classmate.
A rival! A short-time friend!
She's just a....
Just then I felt a gentle touch of soft skin on my cheek.
I froze. It was her.
I looked at her. At her beautiful face. Her face was inches from mine, her peach-pink eyes wide and shimmering. But for the first time in three years, the smile was gone.
This time. This time, her expression was not a smiling one. But rather an expression of ...worry ?
"Theo," she whispered in a fragile worried voice "Calm down"
We looked at each other for a bit before she moved her hand away and went back to the roof edge. The warmth vanished, replaced by the biting winter air.
"Honestly, I did not expect you to act so ...uncontrollably. And I definitely did not expect you to still remember our first meeting." she said, her voice gentle, rippling with a soft but perhaps slightly Surprised tone.
"What made you think I wouldn't ?" I asked. My voice was still jagged, laced with the lingering heat of my frustration and irritation.
"Why would a Heir of a Grand Duke family bother to remember a girl from a count family. There were plenty of girls introducing themselves to you. I was Just one of the many." She tilted her head, her peach-pink hair catching the golden light. "Even though, on paper it's a difference of only three ranks, in reality ? That's a lot. You know it too, right ?"
"Be that as it is, I do remember. And this is a question that lingered in my head even then."
"I see" She paused, closing her eyes as the wind whipped her graduation gown. "You asked why I always smile, right ?"
"well... it's a bit of a long story."
"We have plenty of time" I countered, stubborn.
"Yes, we do" She opened her eyes, their peach-gold hue reflecting the sunset. "Hmm~ Where should I start."
She began to pace the roof, her footsteps light against the stone.
"Can you guess what my age was when I came to know about my illness. When did I first hear the news that was no different than a death sentence to me ?" She asked in a voice which was covered not in Mischief but rather a deep, resonant melancholy.
"...I cannot."
"Five years. I was five years old back then" She answered in a calm voice as if she was telling me about her age when she first learned to write properly. As if it was about someone else's death sentence and not her.