Chapter 60 — Raj, Cursed with Eternal Singleness
In Penny's apartment.
Penny was wearing a low-cut dress patterned with deep burgundy florals, a cocktail shaker in her hand.
She had just finished a round of professional bartending demonstrations. There was no flashy bottle-tossing involved, but between the revealing outfit and her confident, fluid movements, the visual impact was lethal to every man present—except Sheldon.
The dining table, temporarily repurposed as a bar, was covered with liquor bottles and mixing tools. Across from it, five guys sat together, each wearing a very different expression.
Ethan glanced at the dejected Raj and offered some encouragement.
"Raj, don't worry. I'm sure there's a solution."
He paused, then added thoughtfully,
"If it really comes down to it, I could hypnotize you. You'd be like someone whose mind is being remotely controlled—you'd be able to do whatever you want, but you'd still experience everything yourself."
The ultimate control ability from World of Warcraft flashed through Ethan's mind.
Mind Control.
Back in the day, Shadow Priests were infamous for being unbeatable in one-on-one fights—forcing enemies to jump off cliffs or into rivers. No matter how good your gear was, it didn't matter.
Except for hunters with pets. And warlocks with demons.
Everyone else stayed far away from Shadow Priests.
Raj looked extremely tempted, nodding enthusiastically.
"I was kidding," Ethan said, startled.
"When you get married someday, are you seriously going to come find me for hypnosis every time you want to be intimate with your wife?"
Just thinking about it made him feel weirded out.
Raj leaned in and whispered something into Ethan's ear.
"…."
Ethan stared at him, speechless.
"Thanks, but I really don't think your sister Priya would let you arrange her life that easily."
Seeing that Raj was about to say something else, Ethan hurriedly added,
"Even if your parents try to force it, it's still a no. I won't agree to that."
---
Penny, already fully in bartender mode, spoke up:
"Leonard ordered a Tequila Sunrise.
Raj ordered a Grasshopper.
Howard is skipped for running his mouth.
Sheldon ordered a diet Coke—please get it yourself from the fridge."
Sheldon stood up, muttering,
"Bartenders are supposed to be warm and welcoming."
Penny ignored him completely.
"Now, Ethan—what'll you have?"
Ethan thought for a moment.
"A Boulevardier."
"Whoa," Penny said, impressed.
"A grown man's classy cocktail."
She smoothly lined up the bourbon, sweet vermouth, and Campari, grabbing the jigger and getting to work.
"Oh, by the way," she asked casually,
"When does Sheldon's sister arrive?"
"The wedding's on Saturday," Ethan replied.
"She's coming in on Friday."
"And where's she staying?"
"Our apartment," Ethan said.
"We've got plenty of rooms."
Sheldon immediately cut in.
"Hold on. By what definition does 'three' qualify as 'plenty'?"
"If three rooms are many, then logically, we also have many people."
"Sheldon, that's your sister!" Ethan shot back.
"You want her staying alone in a hotel?"
"I did not suggest that," Sheldon said calmly.
"You could accompany her to the hotel."
"Thanks for the trust," Ethan replied dryly,
"but if we're going to a hotel together, why not just sleep in my room?"
Sheldon nodded.
"I have no objection to that."
Ethan spread his hands.
"Fine. Missy takes my room, I sleep on the couch. Happy?"
Penny chimed in,
"If she's not as weird as Sheldon, she can hang out with me."
"She's normal," Ethan assured her.
"You'll get along great."
Raj, eyes glazed, suddenly turned to Penny and started venting:
"Penny… where is my life heading? One moment I'm a carefree bachelor, the next I'm married with a van full of children, driving to the outskirts of New Delhi to play cricket."
Everyone stared.
"You're… talking to me?" Penny asked in shock.
"Is there anyone else here named Penny?" Raj replied.
"I have plans. I have dreams!"
"I will become the Gandhi of particle astrophysics—
but, you know, with an active sex life!"
He slammed the table dramatically.
"I refuse to let my parents control my destiny!
It's time to come clean! Someone get me a laptop with a camera!"
Leonard leaned over to Ethan.
"I thought he couldn't talk to women?"
Howard squinted suspiciously.
"Did Penny spike the drinks?"
Ethan replied calmly,
"Like I said—it's psychological. He's drunk now. This is not the original Raj."
"I agree," Penny said.
"It's definitely the alcohol."
Raj continued proclaiming loudly,
"I will never ride an elephant to the altar with Lalita Gupta!"
Penny stepped in gently.
"Okay, relax. No one's forcing you to get married.
Why not at least meet her? See how it goes?"
Raj protested,
"Didn't you hear me? I can't talk to women!"
"Raj, sweetie," Penny said patiently,
"you say you can't talk to women, but you've been talking to me this whole time."
Raj froze.
"…I am talking to you."
He stared at his drink.
"This is a sweet, green miracle."
He took another sip.
"All I have to do is make sure I meet Lalita after I meet the Grasshopper."
Penny frowned slightly.
"Okay… if you're relying on alcohol to survive this date, bring her to my restaurant.
I'll be behind the bar and keep an eye on things."
---
On the day of the date, everyone headed to the Cheesecake Factory.
Ethan originally wanted to come along to observe, but was unanimously stopped.
"You're a surgeon. She's a dentist," Leonard said.
"If you go, does Raj even stand a chance?"
Ethan had no rebuttal.
He tried to keep Sheldon behind as well—since in his memory, Sheldon was the one who ruined Raj's date—but Sheldon insisted.
"Meeting a dentist allows me to update my medical database."
After witnessing Raj's drunk, unfiltered, wildly inappropriate chatter, everyone agreed on one thing:
Sober Raj might have had a chance.
Drunk Raj just made people want to stab him.
And sure enough—disaster struck right on schedule.
That night, everyone returned dejected.
Everyone except Sheldon.
Sheldon excitedly told Ethan,
"Ethan, do you remember that Indian myth we read as children? Princess Panchali?"
Ethan tried.
"…No?"
"They say her eyes were made from starlight," Sheldon recited,
"and her black hair carried the scent of lotus flowers."
"And there was a monkey, mocked by its own kind for being different, who later became her closest friend.
I told you once—I felt a deep connection to that monkey."
"Oh! Now that you mention the monkey, I remember!"
"Forget the monkey!" Leonard snapped.
"You completely sabotaged Raj's date!"
Sheldon immediately defended himself.
"It wasn't me! Raj got drunk and told her she was 'unforgettably fat' as a child."
"And then he added that dentists have a high suicide rate—
that when she pulls other people's teeth, she's also pulling out pieces of her own life."
The room went silent.
Ethan covered his face.
"…Howard?"
Leonard sighed.
"He said he learned how to pick up Indian girls and went to try it himself."
---
Meanwhile, at the restaurant—
Howard leaned toward an Indian woman and said confidently,
"Your beauty is like the streets of New Delhi—
overwhelming… and slightly suffocating."