Amory's POV
Nostalgia is a ruthless creature, it will sleep in the deepest recesses of you still and unmoving, letting you live and believe you're free, until at some point in life when it bares its teeth at you after only a single glimpse of the past, something so weak that its touch is a graze, but enough to wake up a monster that can devour you.
My eyes was stuck on the sunset that was passing but not passing, I was seated at the back of kale in a bike, still and unmoving, I don't know why he decided to take me on a drive in this street with this view of the ocean and the orange sun going down to its depth once again.
I was not speaking, I couldn't, the sun was beautiful, it was captivating, it was a view that could steal one's soul away and leave them gasping in awe and wonder at nature, it was my favourite part of nature, but as I stared at the view before me, I was flooded with memories, memories that has been hunting me, and I have always been running from it, it jabs on my heart each time it finds a chance to do so.
I tightened my hands around Kale's stomach as he drove along the road too slow for someone with a new bike, I could tell him to drive faster so I can escape this feeling, but it was already nudged inside of me, tugging at everything that has been buried, digging up graves that was better left buried, I closed my eyes and his face keep resurfacing, it was a smiling face, full of life and vigor, it was a living energy that could easily transfer to the person beside him and make that person lively all of a sudden.
That energy is dead and gone.
Kale was silent throughout the whole drive, it's like he just knew not to talk, the air was blowing on my face, it was refreshing but suffocating me too, a lump was formed in my throat preventing me from receiving any good feeling that was coming my way, it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I wasn't paying attention until the bike stopped and that was when I noticed we were at a beach.
The beach.
The sun was going down and I was standing in front of the ocean, watching and hearing waves crash against each other, the tides rising up and down, no one was here, it was completely empty, devoid of any human being, and all I could hear was the tides of the ocean, waves crashing against each other.
"Hey Ames, listen..."
" What??"
" Listen, there's no one here today, listen to the waves and the tides, do you hear it, do you hear the ocean breathing... "
I stilled and listened
" Listen closely Ames and hear what others don't"
I did
" Close your eyes and feel her breath, it's in the air too, it will go to sleep very soon"
I closed my eyes and I felt the cool air hit my face, I was hyper focused on the sounds coming from the waves crashing against each other, and suddenly I could feel everything around me, the air, the cool sand, the water, waves, tides going up and down"
" You feel it right??"
"And suddenly, I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean, and the sea was wrapping its gigantic but soft hands around me, I felt cool all over but not wet, I was basking in the feeling, my hearing was a bit heightened to every sound in the water, they're creatures in the sea, I didn't want to open my eyes or end this session
" Ames?" Atticus called
I opened my eyes to find my younger brother smiling at me, with a painting in his hand.
He just painted me.
I have been avoiding him because of this, but he has been insisting on painting me and finally tricked me to the beach and did what he wanted.
I couldn't even be angry with him, that was the most therapeutic thing I have ever done in my life, all the tension in my shoulder was gone and I was smiling. I turned to Atticus who was just watching me and smiling .
" You finally got to paint me huh, now let me see it, I can't risk you having a picture of me and letting my friends see it"
He suddenly hid the picture behind him before shaking his head no
" We are not doing this Atticus, let me have it" I said and started walking towards him but he just advanced back till he was running from me and I was chasing him.
And soon we were running around in the sand and playing in the water and running from the waves.
I never got to see the painting until he was dead.
The memories came crashing on me like the waves that was crashing against each other on my feet, I didn't notice the tear until kale tapped me and I turned to him
" Hey Amory, you okay"
I looked at him standing so tall and mighty staring at me calmly totally unaware of the turmoil going on inside of me, yet his eyes seem to do, as it was chaos, reflecting different light as the orange hue of the sun shone on it, I tore my eyes away from him as I was already getting sucked into those orbs again.
I'm not acting normal, I know I wasn't, he probably brought me here to watch the ocean and have fun but I have been acting weird and quiet but he had left me alone
Kale was calm too calm, like he was expecting this kind of reaction from me and then it dawned on me and I turned to him again
"Did Carmen say something to you" I asked him and his reaction was already an answer to me, the thought of that quickly turned the bitter feeling inside of me to anger.
" .. listen Amory, I don't want you to get the wrong idea or anything, I just asked Carmen what you liked".
" What! the ocean, I fucking hate the ocean!!"
I screamed at him, I hate this place, I hate what it reminds me of, I hate that I can't get past it.
" No, not the ocean entirely, watching the sunset in the ocean, ugh.. in a quiet environment, she said you enjoyed it with your.. ugh.m your brother in the past"
" And, what!! You wanted to recreate it "
I yelled, my voice cracking as it was laced with tears now
" I'm sorry Amory, I didn't mean to upset you"
Why? Why did Carmen tell Kale of my past, that was one thing I planned to keep kale away from, as long as we were together
" I just wanted to make you feel better, and turn that sour memory into a good one," he said, coming closer.
I shook my head stepping back, now he has a glimpse of my past and already feels pity for me and looking for a way to make me feel better
" I don't want that, and I certainly don't need pity from someone like you, you know nothing" I say to him fighting back the tears as I stormed out of the beach, ignoring his calls after me, until I reached where he parked the bike and climbed on it before zooming off, leaving him there, while crying hysterically while driving.
********************
My hand was shaking as I stood at the door of my brother's room, I guess I can't ignore it anymore, I haven't been here since his death, before he died, I would sometimes sleep in his room while we talk on the phone, but after he died it became an uncharted territory for me, nobody around me talked about it, I don't go to his room, look or indulge in anything that remotely reminds me of Atticus.
But tonight when I couldn't bear it anymore staying in my room and wallowing in self pity and crying till I got tired, I stood and took the key to his room and now I stand before it, waiting for anything to happen that will convince that this is a terrible idea but nothing did, so I took the key chain and opened the room, I took a deep breath before I went inside.
It was calm and the light was off so I switched it on, it was a bit dusty and smelled of old clothes, I coughed a little as I ventured further into the room.
This was Atticus' room and everything here screamed Atticus, he was art himself, everything about him was art.
I took a deep breath as I traced the living lungs he once painted once he was younger, saying it signified a healthy lungs that his friend needed, it was a tree shaped in the form of a human lungs with tiny green branches growing around the length of the tree, to signify how healthy and full of life it was, and everyday he would take the picture and pray to God to give his friend in the hospital a healthy lungs like that.
Atticus believed in God and always prayed for whatever he needed that God would provide for him, even if it was impossible.
God... What a cruel being.
I chuckled as I dropped the painting on his bed. He believed God heard his prayers and healed his friend because, soon after he started praying his friend got better and was out of the hospital.
I almost believed him then, but how can I believe such a being when he failed the only person who believed in him in this house and let him die in the hands of his own mother.
Even his friend that he prayed for, did not believe in God, but God supposedly healed him but the only one he could've protected from the evils of this world, he gladly did nothing and just watched him suffer.
"Why?? Atticus, why did you believe in such a thing, what made you believe such a cruel being with no empathy " I said as the tears that I thought were finished came trotting down again, I wasn't fighting it, I didn't have the energy to.
My eyes caught another painting that was turned upside down and I turned it back up to come face to face with my smiling face as I stood at the beach with my eyes closed and lost to the world...
Unable to look at the picture any longer, I raised my head up and I saw a picture of him smiling so widely, the dimple on his cheek was showing a bit still not concealing the freckles on his cheek, and then I closed my eyes and let the tears fall.
Every picture of him in this room or in my head were all smiling, so brightly I can't even imagine him unhappy.
" I really miss you"
" Are you really happy Atticus, wherever you are??"
" I can't even imagine your face without a smile on it, that's a good thing right??, you are happy as I speak now right??"
" God, you know how much my brother believed in you, can you make him come back, I want to spend some time with him no matter how little, I just really miss him"
I said even as I cried silently in the room.
I climbed into his bed, exhausted from the events of the day, I held onto his picture and I laid on his bed, tears streaming down my face till I fell asleep.
That night I dreamt that Atticus came to me and we were playing on the beach like the old times. He painted the sunset and the ocean and I just wanted him in awe, after which we sat down and watched the sun go completely down, silently basking in each other's presence.
After which he scolded me for crying for nothing, before we said our goodbyes and he left.