Dear cellulose Frankenstein,
Some time has passed since the last time I wrote. For once, I didn't mean to; I just got extremely busy with assignments and deadlines. I'm a final year student, so I have to think about a dissertation too. I've been so busy lately that I barely have had the time to have lunch, let alone take time for myself and write something.
I never thought I would say this in my life, but here I am: I missed writing these pages, I missed you, cellulose friend. I feel like I can call you 'friend' now because I've told you things that I've never told anyone. I have friends, but we don't talk deeply; they're just 'going out for a coffee' type of friends.
Talking about friendships, I've always liked and preferred my own company. I'm not against making friends, but I think it's quite difficult to find someone you can truly call a friend these days, or at least that's what I've experienced so far. I always try to be polite and do small talk when there's a chance, but getting close to someone is totally different. I've never had a best friend, and probably will never have one, but that's okay. I am my own best friend. There's nothing wrong about it.. and lowkey it's a very good thing. Too many people hate themselves, resulting in self-sabotage or hurting others..
I understand that in most cases, that doesn't happen on purpose, but this is what sends people months or even years to therapy. I wonder whether this is the reason why this job is getting increasingly popular.. no, it can't be only that.
Psychology is also a subject that has always fascinated me.. not for the presumption of reading people's minds, but because of the bad reputation. I mean, everything that the crowds despise or think badly of, I enjoy it.
There's this common belief that 'only crazy or sick people go to therapy', which is not true at all. I wonder what drives people to start a wellbeing path. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, I just wonder what makes you sign up for it.. if you're not forced to because of some major condition such as schizophrenia, then there must be other invisible struggles.. or curiosity? I've never been to therapy, and I don't think I need it because, yes, I have some struggles, anxieties, sometimes even panic attacks - life is not easy - but I don't feel the urge to go. I mean, it's also called a wellbeing path.. what use can it be if I feel alright despite the roughnesses of life?
Some say it's a self-discovery path.. and I think that it's impossible to fully know oneself - otherwise we would be fully rational beings - but I think my self-reflective character does enough, doesn't it? Lots of people deny themselves or avoid staying with their own thoughts, but not me. So, what could therapy disclose to me if I start a wellbeing path?
I've always felt the necessity of thinking about my actions and situations that happened throughout my life and thoughts, to learn and do better or just to work out a better solution for the next time, and it worked. I can't say it took me far because I'm still a student in my 20s, but I feel much more mature for my age… that's probably why I can't get close to people my age.
I don't get their love or obsession for clubbing.. I've always loved art in all its forms, including music, but I can't stand clubbing. The music is awful, there are too many people too close together, all sweaty.. am I weird, or does this sound like torture? Maybe it's just me. Or do I need some drugs to stop disgust and start feeling the rhythm of excitement?
Music is life and one of the most shareable forms of art. Just think about the power of music to connect different cultures across time and space. Also, standard art such as paintings (to name one artist, Michelangelo) may have a similar effect since they are appreciated by lots of people, maybe too many.
This also makes me think, is it just a trend, a rush to be the one who owns the most wanted art piece of the moment, or real appreciation of art? I'm thinking more from the collector's perspective, because usually a way to state one's status is displaying an artist's painting on a mousepad in the living room.
By that I mean an artist so famous that their pieces are even used to make mousepad designs (again, nothing wrong with it).
Instead, artists who are either young or new to the scene won't have their works on display in museums or in private collections because mostly they are thought of as not enough in terms of value and fame.. which is an endless loop because if nobody buys or displays their works, they are never gonna get the recognition they deserve. This spiral is exactly what keeps me far from this world.
Aside from hating the fact that I have been enrolled against my will, I really don't like how the art scene works. Mainly because it points towards capitalism and selling, losing on the way, the whole meaning and power of art. On the one hand, selling art is essential for the artist to live, on the other, making eye-catching pieces just to sell isn't it the same as what popular low-cost shops do? Can that even be called art? Maybe Andy Warhol would say so.. but I'm not him, and I think this is what oversaturated the art scene.
Indeed, I don't see myself in the future as an artist living with her art. Rather, I will start making art again - what I am doing now is mere assignments, I won't call it art - when I feel free and inspired. My art will again be emotion, feelings, and thoughts put in a concrete shape. I think that I wouldn't be able to live without art.. and what I am doing now is not living, indeed. Just surviving uni life and a course I'm hating.
I promise I will start making art again in the future and probably stick here some pictures of works or installations.
But for now, goodbye, my cellulose friend,
Vera