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"Drink! Keep drinking!"
Tsukimi Heshu stood on the table, a different bottle of booze in each hand, a drunken flush high on her cheeks.
She yelled shamelessly at Tsunade.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…"
Tsunade stood on the floor, watching her, and burst into even louder laughter.
"Good!"
"Now that's more like my student!"
Tsunade hopped up onto the table too.
The two of them instantly became the center of attention in the small tavern.
Everyone stared, dumbfounded, as the pair swayed and wobbled on the tabletop.
"…"
Kakashi's gaze was vacant.
A piece of fish fell from his chopsticks with a plop onto the table.
"Uh… Is this really okay? For the Hokage and Lady Tsunade to be… like this?"
Kurenai Yūhi blinked, asking with some difficulty. Her crimson eyes flickered with faint embarrassment, and also a tiny, undeniable spark of excitement.
Honestly, seeing the Hokage like this… was a whole new experience!
"Wow! Hokage-sama!"
Might Guy finally looked up from his mountain of meat dishes. A bright, eager grin split his face as he thrust a thumbs-up toward Heshu and Tsunade. "This is the passion of youth!"
Kakashi gulped. "The… passion of youth?"
The next second.
Heshu raised a bottle high above her head.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Let's get this party started!"
With that, Heshu began violently shaking her head from side to side.
"Started! Started!" Tsunade's head whipped back and forth even more wildly.
"Uh… should we go along with the Hokage?" Kurenai looked at Kakashi, whose worldview was being repeatedly shattered.
Kakashi heard her words and felt the absurdity of the world press down on him.
"What do you think?"
The Hokage was this drunk. Could anything she said be trusted?
Kakashi was starting to doubt Kurenai's current mental state.
"Ahem, ahem!"
Kurenai coughed twice.
She temporarily shelved her desire to join the Hokage's madness.
Her eyes kept drifting back to Heshu.
Honestly… standing on a table and going crazy looked like so much fun!
"A normal person probably couldn't bring themselves to go along with the Hokage right now," Kakashi summarized.
"Woo-hoo! Kakashi! Let's go!"
A familiar voice rang out right beside Kakashi.
Kakashi's entire body went rigid.
He slowly turned his head.
Might Guy, clad in his green spandex, was dancing with… unsettling grace.
"Kakashi! Don't be so lifeless! Get into it!"
Might Guy shot Kakashi an impossibly coquettish glance.
"Cough-cough-cough-cough!"
That one, sultry look from Guy nearly made Kakashi choke to death on the spot.
"All drinks are on Lady Tsunade tonight!"
Heshu, lost in the moment, downed bottle after bottle, shouting excitedly to the people at the tables below.
"?"
Tsunade, mid-gulp, sensed something was off.
"Yes!"
"Hell yeah!"
"Lady Tsunade is the best!"
"…"
The crowd below quickly played along with Heshu.
Tsunade, too, brushed off her earlier unease. She slung an arm around Heshu's neck again, pouring more liquor down both their throats.
"Is this really, really okay for the Hokage and Lady Tsunade?" Kurenai was starting to feel a bit concerned.
If they kept drinking like this, who knew what would happen next?
"Do you see anyone here who could stop them?" Kakashi said flatly.
"…"
Kurenai was silent for a long moment before slowly replying, "Good point!"
"Let's just keep eating," Kakashi suggested.
Kurenai nodded in agreement.
"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Might Guy chanted, still wiggling his hips as he picked up his chopsticks.
Kakashi, who kept getting bumped by Guy's enthusiastically dancing backside: "…"
Couldn't Guy just settle down for a second?
He was somehow more terrifying than the Hokage and Tsunade combined.
"He's here!"
After who knows how long, Kakashi suddenly heard Kurenai say, out of the blue.
"Who's here?" Kakashi was confused.
"The person who can stop the Hokage and Lady Tsunade is here."
Kurenai put down her chopsticks, looking toward Heshu's table, a gleam of pure gossip in her eyes.
"Ah."
Kakashi looked over. His gaze landed on a familiar figure.
"I didn't know Jiraiya-sama was back, too!"
Jiraiya, looking travel-worn with a scroll on his back, now stood beneath Tsunade's table.
"Jiraiya?" Tsunade rubbed her eyes. "You're back too?"
Jiraiya flashed a brilliant smile. "Of course! I heard you were back in Konoha!"
A wicked grin spread across Tsunade's face. "Get up here! We're drinking!"
"You got it!" Jiraiya nodded eagerly.
He glanced at Heshu, drunk and nearly senseless beside Tsunade, and sighed with admiration. "Didn't think Heshu was such a free spirit, too!"
[Ding! Affection from conquest target Jiraiya has reached 90!]
The system's prompt echoed in Heshu's mind.
Heshu lifted an eyelid, her eyes full of confusion. She looked at Tsunade. "Did you guys… hear something?"
Tsunade shook her head.
Heshu looked at Jiraiya.
Jiraiya shook his head.
Heshu scratched her head, puzzled. "The hell was that?"
The system, being called 'that': "…"
A drunk host was terrifying. This must never happen again!
"Wrong. Jiraiya isn't the person to stop the Hokage and Lady Tsunade."
Kakashi watched as Jiraiya joined the two drunks without a second thought. "He's the person joining them."
"…"
This was not the scene Kurenai had anticipated.
"Wait!" Kurenai suddenly objected. "The person who can stop them has really appeared!"
Kakashi's gaze shifted back to Heshu's table.
Another person now stood where Jiraiya had been.
"Ah." A ripple of emotion finally broke through the numbness in Kakashi's dead-fish eyes. "It's Shisui!"
If it was Shisui… maybe there really was a chance to stop this madness!
"Heshu?"
Shisui stared at the red-faced figure before him, his jaw nearly hitting the floor.
Heshu stood on the table, the collar of her purple qipao slightly askew, her tied-up hair now loose and disheveled.
She looked completely different from usual.
For a moment, Shisui was stunned. Then, a wave of tenderness washed over him.
When it came down to it, Heshu was still just a young woman.
Even if she'd shouldered the heavy responsibility of Hokage so early, at her core, she was a girl in the prime of her youth.
"Shisui?"
Heshu stared at him, eyes bleary with confusion. She widened her eyes in disbelief.
"Heshu, stop drinking. Let me take you home to rest."
Shisui's expression grew even more gentle.
The usual Heshu was always strong and confident. It was rare to see this innocent, unguarded side of her.
"You're… still alive?" Heshu was shocked.
Shouldn't Shisui be long dead by now?
The smile on Shisui's face froze. "Wh-what?"
Heshu waved a hand, her face taking on a sentimental expression. "It's good that you're alive! It's good! My good brother!"
Heshu jumped down from the table and, to Shisui's rapidly accelerating heartbeat, wrapped him in a hug.
Shisui's speeding heart came to a screeching halt at the word "brother."
It felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over him, chilling him to the bone.
"Hokage-sama, you're very drunk. You should go home." Shisui pleaded patiently.
"Go home to where?"
A sudden, profound desolation colored Heshu's features.
Shisui, and everyone present, couldn't help but think of Takenouchi, who had already passed.
He had been Heshu's only family. His death had left Heshu utterly alone.
Many people's eyes reddened.
"It's okay, Hokage-sama. You still have m—… us!"
"What use are you guys?" Heshu shook her head mournfully. "What I want… is a hot babe!"
"Wh… what?"
Shisui's face completely petrified.
Heshu grabbed Shisui's shoulders and shook him violently. "A sweet, soft, beautiful woman! Do you understand?!"
Shisui turned to stone.
Juri had just rushed over, having heard the news that Heshu was drunk at the tavern.
"…"
So… Heshu liked women?
Juri's vision went dark.
"Medic! Someone's fainted here!"
A patrolling police squad member, seeing a person lying stiffly at the tavern entrance, called out to the medic in his team.
"Coming!"
Tsunade suddenly hugged herself tightly, a look of horror on her face. "So that's it!"
She began frantically trying to hide behind Jiraiya. "That's too scary!"
So her beloved little apprentice had actually been harboring feelings for her all along!
Thinking about it that way, Heshu's earlier declaration made perfect sense!
But… Tsunade looked at her little apprentice, currently tormenting Shisui under the table, and suddenly thought… her little apprentice was also… not bad?
"Heshu has good taste, just like me!" Jiraiya's eyes sparkled.
Who wouldn't like a hot babe?
[Ding! Affection from conquest target Jiraiya has reached 95!]
"No! Wrong!"
Jiraiya, seeing Tsunade almost convincing herself, looked even more horrified. "You can't! Tsunade! You can't!"
The world was already hard enough!
If all the kunoichi started going for each other…
How were the male ninja supposed to survive?!
Jiraiya fought desperately for the survival of all his fellow men.
"Shisui, get Heshu out of here, now!"
In one swift motion, Jiraiya hoisted Tsunade off the table and shot out of the tavern like a gust of wind.
"Jiraiya-sama… is amazing!" From afar, Kurenai watched the scene, utterly shocked.
A man who could handle Lady Tsunade was truly a rare sight!
"Are you sure about that?" Kakashi looked at Kurenai with the air of a seasoned veteran.
The moment Kakashi's words left his mouth, a pained cry rang out from beyond the tavern door.
"Aaaah!"
Jiraiya gracefully arced through the sky like a shooting star.
"…"
Kurenai silently retracted her previous statement.
Shisui tried again. "Hokage-sama, it's getting late. Little Naruto is waiting for you at home. Let's go back, okay?"
Faced with a thoroughly drunk Heshu, what else could he do but treat her like a child?
Not that he minded it himself.
A slight smile tugged at the corner of Shisui's mouth.
"Go back where? No!" Heshu waved a firm hand, then jumped back onto the table. "Tonight, we drink until we drop!"
Shisui: "…"
But Heshu, you're already drunk.
And it's already time to drop.
Shisui fell silent.
So… how was he supposed to get Heshu home now?
"Wah… wah wah wah…"
Suddenly, the bottle in Heshu's hand fell.
She covered her face and began to weep, utterly heartbroken.
Shisui was taken aback.
Heshu… what was wrong?
He leaned closer and caught the sob-filled words spilling from her lips.
"I wanna wear pants!"
"Wah…"
"I really, really wanna wear pants!"
"…"
Shisui was completely baffled.
Heshu liked pants that much?
He'd always assumed she loved wearing dresses!
The system remained silent.
Best not to provoke the host right now.
"Tsukimi Heshu!"
Suddenly.
The tavern curtain was flung open with force.
A figure stormed inside.
Shisui's pupils dilated slightly. He stared at the newcomer, his face a mask of astonishment.
Danzō had been outside the village, delving into animal husbandry. He'd discovered the immense profits in livestock.
But he never imagined… Root would be gone!
Literally. Tsukimi Heshu had dissolved his Root!
He might be developing production outside, but that didn't mean he was giving up on Root!
Stray bits of fodder still clung to Danzō's hair. The legs that usually relied on a cane now moved with vigorous speed.
He'd found out where Tsukimi Heshu was and charged right in!
He was here to demand an explanation!
"Dunce-o?" Heshu forced her eyes open a crack, trying to focus.
"Dunce-o, what are you doing here?"
Danzō narrowed his eyes. "What did you call me?"
"Dunce-o?" Heshu ventured. "Isn't that your name?"
Danzō didn't know the meaning of "Dunce-o," but his intuition told him it wasn't good.
"You, the Hokage! Look at the state you're in!" Danzō stepped closer, finally catching the overwhelming stench of alcohol. He immediately launched into criticism.
"Dunce-o, why are you back?" Heshu persisted.
"…" Danzō glanced at the people around them and lowered his voice. "I'm asking you. Why was Root disbanded?"
Heshu instantly understood the purpose of Danzō's return.
To confront her!
She gave Danzō's shoulder a hearty slap.
Drunk, she had no idea of her own strength.
Danzō's eyes nearly bulged out of his head from the pain. Preliminary estimate: at least three ribs were broken.
"Elder Dunce-o! So it's about that!"
Heshu continued, "You must have come specifically to thank me, right?"
"?"
A huge question mark seemed to pop up above Danzō's head.
Did Tsukimi Heshu even hear the nonsense coming out of her own mouth?
"I did it all for you, Elder Dunce-o!" Heshu gave Danzō's shoulder another slap.
"Stop that!" Danzō said through gritted teeth.
Another slap, and his shoulder blade would shatter too.
"But I have to, Elder Dunce-o!" Heshu revealed an ambiguous smile.
"…" Danzō suddenly found it hard to breathe.
"Which is more important? A Root that can only handle shady missions in the dark, or Konoha's resources?" Heshu asked with deep gravitas.
"They're… both important?" Danzō ventured.
"Wrong!"
"Dead wrong!" Heshu's finger was almost poking Danzō in the nose.
"…" Danzō's face darkened.
"Resources are more important, of course!"
"If Elder Dunce-o tries to handle both, you'll end up failing at both!"
"Single-minded focus is a ninja's most important quality!"
"What did I used to do?" Heshu pointed at her own chest. "Me! Undercover work! But what do I do now?"
"Hokage?" Danzō answered.
"Exactly!"
"I'm not working two jobs, because I know the importance of focus!" Heshu stated decisively.
"No, actually, I think…" Danzō tried to correct Heshu.
Before becoming Hokage, Tsukimi Heshu had indeed completed a few undercover missions, but how did that connect to 'single-minded focus'?
"I don't care what you think. I care what I think!" Heshu grabbed a bottle and shoved it into Danzō's mouth.
"!" Shisui's lips parted slightly in shock.
"Elder Dunce-o, everything I did was for you!" Heshu spoke with earnest concern. "I put you in charge of resources, gradually pulling you away from the shadows of ANBU, all to ensure ANBU's history doesn't become your shackles! To let your image shine brightly among the villagers and shinobi!"
Danzō was startled.
He suddenly remembered… he had done many not-so-good things in Root in the past.
So… Tsukimi Heshu dissolved Root… to bury those shadows deep underground… and give him a bright future?
A heavy feeling settled in Danzō's chest.
"Hokage-sama… you've truly worked hard for my sake!" Danzō removed the bottle from his mouth and said to Heshu with great solemnity.
Having said that, he turned and left just as quickly as he had come.
The livestock industry outside couldn't do without Shimura Danzō!
"…"
Shisui had a weird feeling about the whole exchange.
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