When the latter half of that sentence slipped out of her mouth, Jiang Jiang herself was startled inside.
She had not intended to ask it so directly, especially now that her relationship with Ji Xu'an was in an extremely tense state. That sentence would very likely make Ji Xu'an begin to suspect her motives.
But Jiang Jiang still said it. After reacting to it, she could not help pursing her lips.
Ji Xu'an, however, was completely stunned.
She had not expected Jiang Jiang to ask her that.
"You think I'm suspecting you?" Ji Xu'an's voice was somewhat hoarse and strained. The hand that was running through Jiang Jiang's hair also slowed down. She lowered her eyes to look at Jiang Jiang's expression in the mirror, and for a moment she only felt it was absurd.
"In your heart, am I this kind of person?" Ji Xu'an did not know what kind of words she should use to describe her feelings.
She had thought she already understood Jiang Jiang's thoughts well enough. She had not expected the reality to be even more painful than she imagined.
"Even though I've told you again and again that no matter what you say, as long as you say it, I will believe you. You say 'okay' with your mouth, but in fact you don't believe me at all, do you?" Ji Xu'an could not stop herself from asking.
So when Jiang Jiang heard that sentence from her, her first reaction was whether she was suspecting her again.
So it was not merely that she did not like her—she had never trusted her at all.
Ji Xu'an thought of Jiang Jiang's "confession." She had originally believed that Jiang Jiang being willing to tell her about transmigration already counted as great trust in her, yet she had not expected that this might only have been a choice Jiang Jiang made out of helplessness.
Ji Xu'an had never realized as clearly as she did now that there was still a very great distance between her and Jiang Jiang. If they did not speak certain matters out openly, perhaps that distance would never be shortened.
After hearing Ji Xu'an's questioning, Jiang Jiang also fell into a brief silence.
Looking at the undisguised hurt and disappointment on Ji Xu'an's face in the mirror, Jiang Jiang's mood also felt inexplicably stifled.
"If I truly did not trust you at all, I would not have told you my most important secret." She took a deep breath and turned around to face Ji Xu'an directly.
Ji Xu'an turned off the hair dryer. The room suddenly became quiet. For a moment, only the sound of their breathing could be heard, rapid and disordered.
"Ji Xu'an."
Jiang Jiang did not call her Sister this time. She rarely called Ji Xu'an's name in such a solemn and serious manner, and there was even a trace of resolve in her tone.
"You think I don't trust you, but have you ever truly trusted me?"
"From the moment we first met, you suspected my motives at every turn, and you never concealed your guard against me."
Ji Xu'an moved her lips, wanting to explain a few words for herself, but Jiang Jiang interrupted her first.
"I know. At that time you didn't understand me yet. I can't entirely blame you for that." As Jiang Jiang said this, her eyelashes lowered slightly. "But some things have already happened. I can't pretend they never existed."
"Including later." Jiang Jiang paused. "I told you long ago that I would not be with anyone else, yet you still kept suspecting that I would change my heart."
"Until after I confessed to you." Jiang Jiang raised her eyes again to look directly into Ji Xu'an's eyes. "You say with your mouth that no matter what I say you will believe me, but weren't you still constantly trying to inquire about news of that 'fiancé' of mine?"
It was as if Jiang Jiang had truly thrown caution to the wind. That sentence she had kept hidden in her heart for a long time was finally spoken.
"Ji Xu'an, I don't know how much of what you tell me is true and how much is false."
"You are far too much smarter than I am. I cannot see through you."
"From the very beginning of this relationship, I never had the right to choose. All the power of decision has always been in your hands. If one day you no longer want me, you would only need to slightly reveal my identity to certain people to make me disappear completely."
As Jiang Jiang spoke, her eyes gradually reddened. She seemed unwilling to let Ji Xu'an see her discomposure, so she lowered her head again.
"How am I supposed to believe you? There is nothing about me worth your attachment. You are a businesswoman. When there is no benefit to gain, would you still bother to spend effort and thought on it?"
So this was what Jiang Jiang had been thinking in her heart.
Ji Xu'an felt as if she had never truly seen through Jiang Jiang. Or perhaps she had been deceived by the optimism Jiang Jiang displayed, so she had never considered that Jiang Jiang's heart might also contain so many worries.
But at the same time, Ji Xu'an still felt a trace of disbelief. She curled her fingertips and stared fixedly at Jiang Jiang.
"You think I agreed to be with you because there was profit to be gained?"
In Jiang Jiang's heart, was she such a cold and heartless person?
Once there was no benefit to gain, she would abandon Jiang Jiang without hesitation?
Jiang Jiang did not speak.
Seeing this, how could Ji Xu'an fail to understand?
She let out a self-mocking laugh. "If it were truly for profit, then why wouldn't I choose Fu Xiaoyin?"
"With so many people for me to choose from, why did I choose you in particular?"
Jiang Jiang shifted her gaze away. Her body was also somewhat tense, because she had a premonition that what Ji Xu'an was about to say next was probably exactly what she wanted to hear.
In fact, earlier in the bathroom, after Xie Xiao had pointed out her true thoughts, Jiang Jiang had felt a sudden sense of clarity. At that time she had thought that perhaps she should find an opportunity to test what Ji Xu'an truly thought of her.
Perhaps certain things had long shown signs; it was only that Jiang Jiang had been unwilling to believe them. Subconsciously, she did not want to admit that she might also like Ji Xu'an a little, after all, the relationship between them was far too complicated, and there were many things they had concealed from each other.
Moreover, Jiang Jiang was not certain how deep her liking for Ji Xu'an was. Perhaps it was merely a kind of dependence, just as she was grateful for the care Grandmother Ji had shown her. Ji Xu'an had, after all, done quite a lot for her. Jiang Jiang's heart had not been unmoved.
Jiang Jiang was still entangled in her hesitation. She had not expected Ji Xu'an to break the stalemate between them first, so Jiang Jiang simply went along with the situation and spoke some of the words she had wanted to say.
But under Ji Xu'an's gaze, Jiang Jiang did not reveal any of these small calculations on her face. Judging solely from her reaction, one could not tell at all that she was deliberately guiding Ji Xu'an to say these things.
Under Ji Xu'an's pressing gaze, Jiang Jiang seemed to answer helplessly in a small voice, "I don't know what Sister is thinking."
"Perhaps you simply feel that you took advantage of me and your conscience couldn't bear it. And in addition, Grandmother has always been pressuring you, so you compromised."
Ji Xu'an dug her nails tightly into her palm. "I'm not…"
She suddenly could not think of how to refute Jiang Jiang, because this was indeed what she had done. At that time, Ji Xu'an had been afraid of frightening Jiang Jiang, so she had deliberately pretended that it was only about taking responsibility for her.
When she made that decision, Ji Xu'an had never imagined there would be today.
She felt it was ridiculous. So it was she herself who had forced herself into a dead end??
Ji Xu'an looked at Jiang Jiang's slightly reddened eyes. The powerlessness and regret in her heart nearly swallowed her whole.
After a long while, Ji Xu'an finally said in a hoarse voice, "It was my fault."
She moved her fingertips, looking at Jiang Jiang almost at a loss. "My mind wasn't clear. I kept doing things that made you unhappy, and I caused the relationship between us to become even more tense."
Jiang Jiang kept her head lowered. She did not make a sound, yet a glimmer of moisture flashed past the corner of her eye.
Ji Xu'an's eyes were also somewhat red. "I am not as kind as you think. I would not stake the rest of my life merely for a bit of unease in my conscience."
"I agreed to marry you. It had nothing to do with any other factors. It was simply because I wanted to do so, nothing more."
Ji Xu'an's tone was very solemn, and her voice carried a hoarse quality.
These words had been bottled up in her heart for a long time. Ji Xu'an had thought it would be difficult to say them, but at this moment she was unexpectedly brave for once.
"Because I like you. Not the kind of liking an older sister has for a younger sister, but the kind of liking where I want to date you, marry you, and spend my whole life with you. Do you understand?"
Jiang Jiang seemed to be stunned. Her almond-shaped eyes, glistening with moisture, widened.
Ji Xu'an did not know whether she would believe her words. She thought that perhaps even now, Jiang Jiang still felt she was lying.
But she could not care about that anymore. At this moment, Ji Xu'an only wanted to convey all her feelings to Jiang Jiang, at least not let the misunderstanding between them deepen further.
"The reason I kissed you that night had nothing to do with alcohol."
Ji Xu'an tentatively reached out her hand toward Jiang Jiang. Her fingertips landed very lightly at the side of Jiang Jiang's face. Jiang Jiang did not avoid her, allowing her to gently wipe away the tear at the corner of her eye.
Ji Xu'an barely steadied her mind. Her heart was beating very fast, as if it were about to leap out of her chest. It was so chaotic she could hardly find its rhythm.
"That ring was something I had prepared long ago. Even without that accident, I would have found an opportunity to confess to you."
Only upon hearing this did Jiang Jiang truly freeze for a moment.
She had thought it was something Ji Xu'an bought at the last minute.
Ji Xu'an noticed the surprise in Jiang Jiang's eyes. She closed her eyes briefly and continued, "So the change in our relationship was never because of responsibility. It was because I followed the current."
"It was I who was despicable and shameless, who took advantage of your soft heart."
Jiang Jiang remained silent for a long time. She did not shed more tears, yet her cheeks faintly flushed.
After an unknown amount of time, Jiang Jiang softly asked, "Then at that time, why did you repeatedly emphasize that you only wanted to take responsibility for me?"
It was precisely because of Ji Xu'an's constant attempts to distance herself back then that Jiang Jiang had never believed that Ji Xu'an might possibly like her.
This question struck straight at the heart of the matter. Ji Xu'an fell silent for several seconds before speaking again, her voice softer than before.
"Because I thought you didn't like me."
To confess these cowardly thoughts within her heart to Jiang Jiang was an extremely challenging thing for Ji Xu'an, yet at this moment she did not choose to hide them again.
"You only treated me as your older sister. So I thought that if you knew that the older sister you had always trusted and relied on actually harbored different thoughts toward you, you might be frightened."
Had that kiss not made Jiang Jiang very resistant?
Ji Xu'an said with difficulty, "I was afraid you would distance yourself from me because of it."
Jiang Jiang was speechless.
So Ji Xu'an's heart had also been filled with so much unease. If she had not taken the initiative to say it, Jiang Jiang probably would never have been able to guess these thoughts of hers.
Between her and Ji Xu'an, there truly might have been many misunderstandings.
After quite a while, Jiang Jiang spoke again, "Why would you think that?"
Ji Xu'an stood in front of her with her head lowered, not answering.
Jiang Jiang took a deep breath. "That is only your own one-sided assumption."
She returned Ji Xu'an's earlier sentence to her word for word.
"In your heart, am I this kind of person?"
—
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