Chapter 343. Empathetic Consolation
「Crusch seemed to be hiding something... Hikigaya Hachiman could tell, but he didn't care.」
「The suicide note only mentioned being shown to Rem and Emilia and had nothing to do with Crusch. In other words, at least his pre-amnesia self had no romantic entanglements with this upright girl.」
「Since that was the case, she was someone he could face with peace of mind. Even if Crusch was hiding some minor details, it didn't matter.」
「Her heart was pounding... Having pulled off this deception, a sense of guilt brewed in the depths of Crusch's heart. This guilt made her hands tremble and her heart ache, yet at the same time, an immense joy spread through her. She had truly snatched a second chance.」
「In the time that followed, Hikigaya Hachiman consulted her on many aspects of common knowledge regarding this world—how many countries there were, whether there were any taboos or established social norms, and the positioning of various factions.」
「Even though answering such basic questions was tedious, Crusch was meticulous, providing detailed and serious explanations for everything.」
「Being able to act as Sir Hachiman's teacher and be of use to him gave her a deep sense of satisfaction.」
「"Lastly..."」
「As the sun set, swaying and stretching their shadows, Hikigaya Hachiman hesitated for a moment. He eventually steeled himself and asked the question he cared about most: "Crusch, from your perspective, is there any major difference between the pre-amnesia me and the current me?"」
「Having received permission, Crusch scrutinized his entire body carefully. Hikigaya Hachiman felt a bit restless and instinctively took half a step back.」
「"Compared to your performance when we met in the Watergate City, your current appearance is closer to the impression you left on me when we met in the Royal Capital, right after I had lost my memories, following the subjugation of the Sin Archishop of Sloth."」
「Crusch spoke bluntly about the differences she found. "You aren't as close to me, and you lack a lot of confidence. Furthermore, in my memory, your eyes were never like this, and your back was straight."」
「"What else?"」
「"Nothing else."」
「"No—" Straightening his back and trying to tuck away his dead-fish eyes, Hikigaya Hachiman froze in astonishment. Unwilling to give up, he pressed further: "Is that really all? Look closer. There should be a whole mountain of different flaws you can find, right?"」
「"The fact that you're asking like this is proof that the current Sir Hachiman lacks confidence." Crusch shook her head gently. "I've pointed out even that flaw to you, Sir Hachiman."」
「Crusch's words were like a bucket of cold water poured over him. Hikigaya Hachiman opened his mouth, but could say nothing.」
「Yet, he remained unwilling to accept it, desperately wanting to find more differences, more progress, more change.」
「Just based on a Hikigaya Hachiman who hadn't undergone any massive change? Just based on a Hikigaya Hachiman who had simply added a bit of confidence and hid his dead-fish eyes?」
「For just that kind of mere Hikigaya Hachiman—by what right, with what qualification, could he deserve Emilia's love, the friendship of Crusch and Julius, and the praise of so many wonderful people?」
「Talk of lacking confidence... but Hikigaya Hachiman was originally a useless person. How could such a person have the right to possess dazzling confidence?」
「"Have you cried, Sir Hachiman?"」
「Feeling the cool breeze of this bustling city as the dust settled after the crisis, Crusch suddenly asked a question in return.」
「"I didn't dare to cry. In the dead of night when I was alone, there were several times I wanted to. I was lost, I was terrified. I simply didn't know why there were so many strangers, so many people I didn't know, surrounding me, praising me, supporting me, and being incredibly good to me."」
「Without waiting for Hikigaya Hachiman to answer, she continued on her own.」
「"Who exactly is Crusch? What kind of person was she? How powerful was she? —I didn't understand. It was completely meaningless, and it was terrifying."」
「"I am not that Crusch. These people who know me, support me, and trust me—they want that Crusch."」
「"I tried my absolute best to gather information about that Crusch from their mouths. I forced myself, wanting to train myself to become that Crusch, so as not to fail everyone's expectations—the expectations of everyone who loved that Crusch."」
「"I couldn't eat or sleep; I was walking on eggshells... I always wondered if what I was doing matched that Crusch's image, or if doing it another way would make me more like her."」
「"It was an indescribable panic."」
「"Even though Wilhelm and Ferris were encouraging me, telling me to just be myself, I didn't dare. I simply didn't dare, Sir Hachiman... The family that Crusch left behind, the friends she left, the reputation she left—it all made me feel like I was walking on thin ice."」
「"But even though I've given it my all, it's still hard to become that Crusch. I always make mistakes. Rumors began to spread in the Karsten lands, saying 'That Crusch has finally exposed her weakness and incompetence'."」
「She let out a deep sigh.」
「Crusch's heavy confession was full of suppression and intensity. Shaken, Hikigaya Hachiman raised his head and stared intently at this woman who shared the same state of mind and the same experience as him.」
「His gaze met Crusch's slender amber eyes. Both looked at each other directly and honestly.」
「"I hated it. I hated it to death!"」
「"Why did that Crusch leave me so many relatives, subordinates, and such a towering reputation? It makes so many people feel that the name Crusch is synonymous with strength, integrity, and reliability the moment they hear it."」
「"The things that Crusch could do, I simply cannot do!"」
「Rather than saying she was guiding Hikigaya Hachiman through her own experiences, Crusch, whose emotions were becoming more and more agitated as she spoke, had actually lost control of herself.」
「She was simply venting. She was pouring out all the feelings and pain she had harbored for over a year—pouring it all out in front of Sir Hachiman, who shared her experience and mindset.」
「"Everything that Crusch left me brought me nothing but pain. I simply didn't know how to face Ferris, my father, or the army that believed I could lead them to victory in the Royal Selection."」
「"I knew my father and Ferris were trustworthy, but I didn't dare. I didn't dare to confide these feelings and thoughts to them. I could only curl up in bed alone and quietly endure the tears."」
「"Because I am simply not that Crusch. No matter how hard I try, whenever Ferris looks at me, he is always thinking of that Crusch."」
「"So I simply don't have that qualification, Sir Hachiman!"」
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