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DanMachi: Is It Wrong for a Mafia Boss to Go to the Dungeon?
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Chapter 36: For the Snail!
Level 4, the Blazing Hell...
By knocking Warden Magellan directly into the Blood Pond Hell, I somehow managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. However, Magellan's final struggle...
His parting gift, or perhaps his final desperate fart...
The venom he released right at the end. A single drop of it happened to fall directly above me. Like an idiot, I completely failed to notice it...
And because of that...
"Jii!!"
"...Eh!?"
Splat.
Densuke protected me, taking the venom in my place...
—————
"...Ji...ii..."
"D-Densu...ke...?"
Having taken Magellan's venom head-on, Densuke's face contorted in agony. She swayed unsteadily, gave me one final, weak smile... and collapsed to the floor.
"Eh? Ah? ...Densuke...? A-Are you o—"
"..."
"Ah, aaah...!?"
She didn't react to my voice at all. She didn't so much as twitch. Worse... I couldn't even hear her breathing. A chill ran down my spine, freezing me to the core.
"Aaaaaaaahhh!! Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!? DENSUKEEEEE!!!"
This is bad... Bad, bad, bad, bad! This isn't a joke! She's going to die! At this rate, Densuke is going to die!! Because of me! To protect me!
"W-W-W-What do I do!? What do I do!!"
"..."
"I-I won't let you die!! I won't let you die!! I'll absolutely... s-save you!! Like hell I'll let you die!!"
Hoisting the motionless Densuke onto my back, I took off at blinding speed. I had no idea where I was running... I just had to run! Think while you run! Find a way to save Densuke! There has to be a way, absolutely.
"Think! Think! Think! T-To cure poison, um, umm..."
Remember... That's it! Didn't Magellan say it himself? 'If it had been just a single type, there might have been a path to a cure... but I pumped Straw Hat full of dozens of lethal poisons. There is no antidote.'
Dozens of poisons can't be cured... But flip that around, and it means a single type of poison can be cured, right!? If so, there has to be an antidote somewhere in Impel Down. Otherwise, the word "cure" wouldn't have come so easily to him.
"A-An antidote! If I can find that, I can save Densuke!"
But where exactly would it be? Level 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5...? Or maybe a hidden room just for the staff... Impel Down is massive. I definitely don't have the time to search every single room.
As I ran while frantically organizing my thoughts... I spotted dozens of guards lined up in formation, blocking my path on the other side of the stone bridge.
"An ambush...? Enemies? Tch...!"
Nine times out of ten, they're the capture squad Magellan set up just in case I got away. At a time when every single second counts, what a massive pain in the ass!
"...No, wait..."
Stay calm. Think positive. That's right. They aren't enemies. They're friendly passersby who came out here specifically to tell me where the antidote is. Let's go with that.
This isn't a crisis; it's an opportunity! I'm going to cure Densuke.
I slammed on the brakes, screeching to a halt right in front of the guards, and offered them a warm, friendly smile.
"Fuhehehehe... hewwo there!"
Now then, time for negotiations.
"Eh? Whoa!? I-It's him! The Invisible Phantom Thief!"
"Warden Magellan isn't with him! Did he shake him off!?"
"D-Don't tell me he actually defeated him...?"
"Idiot! There's no way Warden Magellan could lose! He just got lucky and slipped away! We have to stall the Invisible Phantom Thief until Warden Magellan catches up!"
"Ooooh!!"
...I knew it would happen, but the guards completely ignored my greeting and aimed their guns right at me with a synchronized clack.
Yeah... figures it would go like this. So we can't do this amicably? I see...
T h e n, I'll just have to use force.
"Fire!!"
Rat-a-tat-tat! The guards blindly fired a barrage of bullets. But with my ability to see into the future, there was no way something like that would ever hit me.
I dodged every single bullet, disarmed them entirely in the blink of an eye, and while I was at it, stripped off their uniforms and underwear, leaving every last one of them buck naked.
"Tontatta-Style Disarmament!"
I have zero interest in stripping men naked, but I didn't have time to complain right now. It was necessary to ensure the negotiations proceeded smoothly.
"Huh? M-My gun disappeared!?"
"Since when did my protective suit come off!? What's going on!?"
"H-Hot!!"
"Gwooh! It burns! It burns!"
"Level 4 without a protective suit is too much!"
"It's hot! It's so hoooooot!!"
Covering their crotches with their hands, the guards hopped around frantically on the scorching stone floor. I glared at them, releasing a wave of pure killing intent.
"This is no time to be complaining about the heat... Right now, I'm standing right in front of you..." Vwoom.
"!!!"
There were 20 guards in total. One of them began frothing at the mouth and fainted. Huh? ...Why did this guy just randomly pass out? Whatever.
"...I defeated your boss, Magellan."
"!!?"
"What!?"
"L-Liar!"
"I'm not lying. I knocked him straight into the Blood Pond Hell on this floor. ...But in exchange, my Transponder Snail took a hit from his poison... I want you to tell me where the antidote is."
The guards audibly gulped at my words.
"W-Who would ever tell you!?"
"That's right! We are the defenders of Impel Down!"
"We will never yield to evil!"
Hmm. "Never yield to evil"... right...
I don't consider myself evil, nor do I consider myself justice. I'm just an ordinary citizen. But to protect someone precious to me, I'm more than willing to do something truly evil...!
I readied one of their confiscated rifles with a sharp clack.
"If you won't tell me, then I guess I have no choice..."
"!!!"
They're going to be shot... Seemingly bracing for that, the guards gritted their teeth and squeezed their eyes shut.
"...As if I'd use such a generic threat."
"Eh?"
"Fuheheheh."
I smirked wickedly. And then, aiming at the backsides they had so conveniently exposed when I stripped them naked... I violently jammed the confiscated rifles straight up the guards' asses.
"GYAAAAH!?"
"W-What are you...!?"
"Owww, ow, ow, ow!"
"It's splitting! It's splitting!!"
Naturally, having rifles shoved up their rectums threw the guards into a sheer panic. ...But the negotiations were just getting started, you know?
"Alright, listen up, you lot... You have 10 seconds to tell me where the antidote is. If you don't, that gun shoved up your ass... I'll push it in so deep you'll never be able to pull it out again."
"!!???"
I'm in a hurry here. I can't afford to be picky about my methods. So, I went with the most horrific threat I could possibly imagine.
"Y-Y-Y-You couldn't possibly do that...!"
"It's a bluff!"
"Even if it was true, we'll never talk!"
"Is that so? Then let's start. 10, 9, 8..."
With each count, I slowly increased the pressure, pushing the rifles deeper into their asses.
"Mmphgooooooooh!!?"
"Gyaaaaah!? It can't go in any deeper!!"
"It hurts! It huuuuurts!!"
"7, 6, 5..."
"Hiii!? S-Somebody! Help me!!"
If anyone tried to pull their gun out, I shoved it back in even harder. If anyone tried to run, I pinned them down so they couldn't move. With my speed and Observation Haki, keeping all 19 of them perfectly restrained was a piece of cake.
Now then, 4 seconds left on the clock. What will you do?
"4, 3, 2..."
"Aaaah, aaaaaaahhh...!"
"1, Ze—"
"GYAAAAAAAAH!! T-That way!! The antidote is that way!!!"
"There's a medical room over there!! The antidote is in there!!!"
"I'm not lying! So please, stop it already!!!"
Unable to endure the sheer terror of having a dangerous object forcefully inserted into their intestines any longer, a few of them finally cracked. By the way, every single one of them was crying. Full-on bawling. Was it really that scary?
"Okay! Thanks for telling me!"
Yanking the rifles out of their asses, I offered them a reassuring smile. After thanking them, I knocked every single one of them out with a quick Jaw Tail and sprinted toward the medical room they'd pointed out.
—————
Impel Down, Medical Room.
Luckily, it was located right here on Level 4, the Blazing Hell. A five-minute walk from where I threatened the guards. With my legs, it would take less than 10 seconds.
"Raaaaagh!! Where's the antidote!! Treat my Densuke right now!!"
"Whoa!? What the—what is going on!?"
"I-It's the Invisible Phantom Thief!!"
"Kyaaaaaah!?"
Bursting into the medical room at top speed, I threatened the entire staff and successfully secured the antidote! However, handing me a syringe didn't help since I had no idea how to administer it, so I made one of the medical staff do it for me.
"...Ji....zzz..."
Upon receiving the antidote injection, Densuke's face scrunched up in momentary pain, but the pale blue hue of her skin slowly faded, and she peacefully began to softly snore.
"...Does this mean Densuke is saved?"
"Y-Yes...! She needs absolute rest for a few hours, but t-the detoxification was a success...! S-So, she's fine! Yes!"
"I see. Thanks."
"No problem..."
"Now, go ahead and pass out."
"Eh? Guh...gh."
I swiftly knocked out the medical staff who treated Densuke with a sharp Jaw Tail. I felt a bit bad about repaying their kindness with violence, but it'd be a huge pain if they called for their guard buddies, so they needed to sleep for a while.
"...Phew, well, Densuke's life is safe for now. Next, I need to go save Luffy..."
A heavy sigh escaped my lips. I managed to save Densuke, but how the heck was I supposed to save Luffy? He apparently took a massive dose of Magellan's poison, and the antidote won't work on him, right? I don't even know where he is right now... The road ahead was fraught with difficulties.
zzz...
"...But before that, I need to figure out what to do with Densuke..."
The treatment was a success, but the medical staff said she needed a few hours of absolute rest. In other words, while I go rescue Luffy, I need to leave Densuke somewhere safe and quiet to recover.
The beds in this room... are too dangerous. We're right in the middle of enemy territory.
"If only there was a safe place where no one would find her to hide her..."
Under the bed, on top of the shelves, inside a drawer... Hmm, they all feel too easy to find. It's terrifying. It feels exactly like trying to hide a dirty magazine in my room.
...Come to think of it, back in Dressrosa, Viola caught me hiding a gravure magazine in her room without permission, and I got a massive earful... The next day, Viola's hair was styled exactly like the woman on the magazine cover... What did that even mean? Was it some kind of harassment...?
"Hmm... wait, this is no time to be thinking about that!! I need to hurry and find a place to hide the dirty mag—I mean! Densuke!"
I looked around the room frantically, racking my brain.
"That spot's... no good! Over there is... no! How about... oh?"
Near the ceiling, I spotted a wire mesh grate about 15 centimeters in diameter set into the wall. That's... a ventilation shaft, right?
Using my Tail Copter, I buzzed up to the ceiling and popped the grate open.
"Whoa! Awesome... It's a tight squeeze, but I can definitely hide her in here...!"
I had discovered the perfect hiding spot—one that a normal human could never use, accessible only to the small.
"Fuhehehe! No one will ever find her here. It's the perfect place to stash Densuke!"
Carrying Densuke, I flew up and carefully pushed her into the ventilation shaft.
"Heave-ho, heave-ho... Just stay quiet in here for a bit, Densuke. ...I should probably push her a little further in. Heave-ho, heave-ho..."
If she was too close to the entrance, someone might spot her if they looked up. I pushed her in deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. And then...
"Whoa!?"
Suddenly, with a clunk, the floor gave way...
"Oh? Oh? Oh!? Uwaaaaaaaaaah!?"
Clunk, clunk, clatter! Like a chaotic sequence in PythagoraSwitch, Densuke and I plummeted down the air duct. I smacked my head against some weird machinery, slid down pipes, and tumbled helplessly, completely unable to stop my fall...
The place we finally landed was a wide, dark... tunnel-like passage.
"F-Fuhehiho... w-what is this place? Densuke, are you okay?"
zzz...
"Looks like you're fine."
Where exactly was this? What part of Impel Down? Some kind of hidden dungeon? I readjusted Densuke on my back and slowly began walking forward.
"? It's kinda noisy...?"
From deeper down the passage, I could hear music. Oonz ♪ Oonz ♪ And there was light. I timidly peeked around the corner, and there...
"Aaaaahh! Wel-kama!! Newkama!! Hiiiii-haaaaaa!!! Hah!! Hahaaaah!!!"
"...Huh?"
There was...
A middle-aged man wearing bunny ears and fishnets...
A middle-aged man wearing a deer mask and fishnets...
A sexy lady wearing sunglasses and fishnets...
And...
A massive-faced okama wearing a crown, a purple perm, and fishnets...
They were all singing, dancing, and making a massive ruckus.
Seeing that, I couldn't help but scream at the top of my lungs.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAH!!? A-A-A bunch of perverts!!!??"
Honestly, it was more terrifying than running into Magellan.
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