***
'So I've been thinking.'
[Don't hurt yourself.]
'oh ha ha.'
'No but seriously, you are a bunch of dusty old wizard guys right?'
[Enough of our brains are old wizards, that unfortunately, that description isn't as reductive as we would like.]
'So when I was waxing on about languages and magic and all that shit yesterday, you know all that already?'
[Yep.]
'Even the language stuff?'
[You were on a roll.]
'Ugh. Why did you let me ramble on like a loser?'
[Because it's important that you explore these ideas, rather than being given the answers. Knowledge has a shape and answers only give you one slice of it.]
[...]
[But also because we prefer the role of friend, rather than teacher.]
Well I can't argue with that.
'Okay buddies. Sorry if I made you cringe too hard.'
[Oh god it was so cringy. We half expected you to start sewing patches on the elbows of your cardigans. Smoking a pipe and drinking pale ale.]
'Eat a dick.'
[Not what we are into, but if you have any brains?]
That got a laugh out of me. Which everyone on the barge ignored, they are used to me spacing out while talking to Gestalt.
Lillian, Sophia, Shiv and I are all on our way back to Maria's house. I promised Emily I would come back and visit, but I also managed to convince Derek for a little bit of gun range time. I invited Ria, but I think it was too many people for her, and Daisy was off doing her own thing.
I was half tempted to invite Bronson, I know he likes guns and I feel a little bad about kicking him in the family jewels. But then he called me sweet cheeks and I decided he could go fuck himself.
Maria is with us. She still won't let me in and around the city by myself. Which to be fair, someone did try to kill me.
Emily greeted us all with the high pitched squeals that only a six year old girl can produce. She immediately took a liking to Shiv, because they were the same size. I feel bad for saying it, but it's kinda nice that I'm not the shortest person around anymore.
Shiv of course, was immediately a bad influence. Offering bombs to a six year old.
"Please don't give bombs to a six year old." I said.
"What? They are safe bombs. Proper child friendly." Shiv defended herself.
"Isn't that an oxymoron?" Lillian asked.
"They go boom with confetti." Shiv explains, "I'm not an idiot."
There's an explosion from the dining room, smoke and confetti everywhere.
"Shiv! Did you give my child bombs?!" Maria's voice called out angrily.
"You gave the Dean's kid bombs. You are a bit of an idiot." I said.
Shiv managed to get out of being expelled claiming goblin culture - I'm pretty sure it's just because she's a rift walker. She still got a massive bollocking from Maria.
We of course had a tea party with the spooky tea pot. Lillian got the blood cup. Which Emily found extremely funny.
Once Emily was placated, Derek took us all to his company's gun range. Which was awesome! It's out on the edge of the city so we could float balloon targets out in the aether. There were static targets around too.
I spent a good amount of time using Chekhov. Trying to match how my brain felt about the gun to how my muscles felt. The dream training had created a bit of a disparity.
Lillian was showing Sophia how to shoot, and Shiv was explaining the bomb launder - that she had somehow cobbled together - to Derek. He seemed extremely excited by the makeshift weapon.
I'm starting to see a little bit more of the real Sophia today. Or at least the one that must have existed before our bed time adventure. The one I only saw a brief glimpse of when I first met her. The tired, quiet, stoic girl, who survived - with faith alone - against ghosts, isolation and obligation.
The Sophia I know is clingy, shy, cute, adorable, beautiful, stunning…
[Simp.]
'Yeah, sorry, let me try that again.'
The Sophia I know is a somewhat needy and clingy girl, and that makes sense. I had taken a burden off her shoulders and the girl had probably regressed a little. Reviling in the affection and sleep that she had so sorely been lacking.
Lillian had been giving Sophia a lot more hugs, which I'm totally fine with by the way. It's good, in fact. Excellent. Just the very best.
Maria even gave Sophia one of her famous Maria hugs. Sophia let out a big chokey sob when that happened. Which I totally understand, Maria hugs are on another level. Honestly it's hard not to cry.
All of that is fine, totally fine, I'm not worried about my place in her heart at all, and the fact that she has been happily doing her own thing at the gun range - and hasn't been clinging onto me - isn't bothering me at all. In any way.
I am fine.
[Cope.]
'Quiet you.'
Of course I have been watching her out of the corner of my eye. For a pacifist nun, she sure is a mean shot with a rifle. I can barely hold it, the bloody thing is so heavy.
I am probably going to have to take the gym time a little bit more seriously. The only person here weaker than me is Emily, and I'm not sure six year olds count.
Sophia has started to mother me a little bit lately. Things like washing me yesterday, writing the schedule near the door. Which I both love and hate.
I love it because it means she's thinking about me, that she cares for me. That she wants to make me happy.
I hate it because I don't want my ADHD to be a burden for others, I want to be left alone with my problems. Because if you let someone help, they always get tired that the problems aren't fixable, and eventually they will use that fact against you.
And also because I want her to see me as her big strong heroine.
Even though I'm smaller than her.
And weaker.
'Shut up.'
[We didn't say anything.]
'I could feel you smirking.'
[It's hard to smirk with only a maw.]
I watch her shoot. Posture tall and strong. Long silver white hair tied back, rifle butt nestled into her shoulder.
Stupid rifle butt. It should be me.
"Are you getting jealous of a rifle now?" Lillian had snuck up on me, in this very open area, where I could see her coming. Sneaky.
"I'm not jealous." I deny the truth to both her and myself.
"Uh-huh, I can see you stare daggers at me whenever I hug Sophia."
"I'm not jealous! She can hug who she wants."
"You know you have nothing to worry about from me right? I'm just being friendly to the girl that needs some more hugs in her life."
"Yeah I know, the jealousy is a me thing. A new thing, honestly I'm a little worried about it. I didn't think I was like that."
"Eh, I think it's probably pretty normal, given the situation. How are things going with you and Sophia? Since we last talked."
"I don't know, it's the same I think, nothing has really changed. We haven't talked about it, but then she keeps doing things for me. Like writing out schedules. The other day I woke up on her chest, and she was doing the humming while brushing my hair thing, again. Yesterday after gym she helped me wash. But I also know that all you girls are much happier being all naked in front of each other than where I'm from."
"Was it not like that in your realm?"
"Well, yes and no. It really depends where you are from, it's very European, I think. Not so common in England, but we did have changing rooms and stuff. Honestly I was probably a bit more of a prude than most, some of that was just guilt, you know."
"Well I don't mind if you look." Lillian said while waggling her eyebrows at me.
"Fuck off."
She laughed. "But yeah, I can see why you are confused by Sophia. Is she just being nice or is she into you?"
"I don't know. You got any ideas?"
"Nope. Honestly it could go either way. I would wash you if you were drowning in sweat and I was forced to share a bed with you. But as," she waved her hand up and down at me, "all this, as you are. It wouldn't mean a thing to me. I wouldn't write out a schedule for you. But I'm too lazy to write one out for myself. I certainly wouldn't brush your hair and hum. But I'm also not a nun of the Shining Mother whose whole order is about motherhood and looking after children."
"Ugh I heard a little about that. Do the nuns really have to have noble men's children?"
"I think it's a bit more complicated than that. Honestly I don't know that much about it, you will have to ask Sophia."
"I know. But I also don't want to know the answers. You see what I'm dealing with though?"
"Yeah, that nun do be a real head fuck. Outside of talking to her about it, there's not really much I can help you with. It really could go either way."
"Yeah." I sighed.
"And I'm guessing you don't want to talk to her about it because you might not get the answer you want?" Lillian points out.
"Living in hope at least keeps this whole situation bearable for me. How about you? Have you made any progress with Vincent?" I asked.
"Ugh, no, stupid hot nerdy vampire." Lillian sighed.
"You know you could try being a little less aggressive with him?"
"My love language is violence."
"You would think - being a vampire - he would be cool with that." I add. "But seriously, he seems like a bit of a gentle soul. Maybe just ask him to go smell the flowers or something? I don't really know what people do for dates here."
"Ugh, this was so much easier with Bronson."
I look at Lillian with a face of pure disgust. "You fucked Bronson?!"
"Shhh, keep it down! I am technically still a princess. I'm meant to be a blushing virgin and all that."
The idea of Lillian being a blushing virgin did make me giggle a bit. " But seriously? Bronson? When?"
"Eh, a little while back, before you arrived. He's hot, an easy lay, and surprisingly good in bed. Treats the whole thing like a competition. Who can make the other climax the most."
"But it's Bronson! He's horrible!"
"Well, yeah. I wouldn't marry him. But as vile as he is, he has his talents."
"I wonder if Vincent can smell Bronson on you." I smirked. I know I'm being a bit judgemental here, but come on, it's Bronson!
"Eww, wait do you think that's a thing that vampires can do?"
"No. I was fucking with you."
"I'm gonna scrub double hard tonight." Lillian vowed.
***
After a wonderful day of shooting all sorts of big fun guns. My shoulder was very sore. I hag a great time though.
We had all made it back to our dorm rooms. I didn't return to bed straight away, I sat at my desk with an open book of runes in front of me. I'm not really reading it, the conversation with Lillian earlier - had me wanting to ask questions that I didn't want to hear the answers too.
"Sophia." I began, and then paused. What did I even want to ask here?
"Yes?" She said, while getting ready for bed.
"Why is Lord Balin so interested in you?" I'm still staring at my book. I dare not look at her.
She pauses what she is doing. I hear her sit on the bed. "Have you been talking to Lillian?"
She wasn't the one to tell me about Lord Balin, but sure, I will throw her under the bus. "A little bit." I said. "She said that you belong to the Order of the Shining Mother."
"I do."
"So does he want you to have his children?" I asked.
"Yes. The rite of the surrogate is one of my duties. It is one of the hardest rites that a nun of the Shining Mother has to go through. But not for the reasons you imagine."
"What do you mean?"
"We do not throw nuns at noble men. Much to their disappointment - when they first engage with this rite. While I have yet to participate in the rite. I have helped with a number of them."
"So you don't fuck the men?"
"No, we do not lay with the men. We are nuns. It is our way to consider the act of childbirth and child rearing as a duty. Not a pleasure."
"So how does it work then?"
"The men are taken to their own chamber, and given a silver dish. They are instructed to fill the dish and then leave. We take that dish to the nun engaged with the rite, and use a syringe for impregnation. This part of the rite can take a number of months to take hold."
I'm not going to lie, that is not quite what I expected.
"The impregnation is not the hardest part of the rite. It is giving the child up once birthed. That can take a toll on any nun engaged with the rite. We also do not limit the rite to nobles, but they are the most common participants, as we have strict rules about the family's means and methods before we bless them with a child."
She is calmly folding her clothes like she is just talking about her homework. "The convent in which I grew up was rare. Most of the Order's convents are orphanages. It is our duty to care for all children, as much as it is to birth them."
I'm watching her now. "So you are okay with this? With having Balin's kids." I asked.
"It is part of my duties. His home is of means, my child would be well looked after." She said, without batting an eye. "Once I am cured of the curse, I will be able to complete the rite without fear of the child getting hurt. I will also be able to return to one of the orphanages, and help all the children that need me."
I don't know what to say. She's talking about this like it's so, so… normal.
There is also the other part of what she said.
Once she is cured - she will leave.
I want to fight against it. To tell her she can't go, that she can't leave. That I need her, not some stupid noble fuck with bad ideas about how the rift walking ability is transferred. But I can't. I know it would be stupid. I've only known Sophia for ten days. I can't fight against a lifetime of duty and beliefs.
I hold back the tears. But I can't hide the look of devastation written across my face.
She held out a hand, "Come to bed." She says, because she knows, and I know, and we are both lying to ourselves and each other. I see that complicated look on her face again, the one that I don't understand. But also the one that gives me so much poisonous hope.
The look that I want to believe says, 'I don't want to leave you too.'
***