"I've seen people much stronger than you die from it!"
He looked at me with narrowed eyes... probably wondering how I could say such a thing or simply if I'd ever experienced anything like this in my childhood, but he remained silent, cold and calm as usual, closing the window.
"Now your hands are dirty..."
"I'll wash them with hot water if you're so afraid I'll get sick and infect the other kids..."
He left with a sigh, my gaze following him, trying to deduce what he must be thinking about my attitude for being so frivolous. Even if it was just a simple cold, how could I not worry about my child and feel bad for him suffering? It was incomprehensible to me because I saw every being as important and knew how to put myself in their place when they felt all sorts of emotions; this phenomenon was amplified when it came to my own flesh and blood, and the one I had helped to create. It was my responsibility to keep him alive, to raise him, and to love him...so why didn't his own father share these responsibilities?
I looked down at Euria, who was sleeping. Sometimes he seemed to have trouble breathing, so I patted the three-year-old on the back to wake him up so I could try to blow his nose.
I hadn't slept a wink all night, so I hadn't been able to dream, and I didn't expect to anytime soon, especially since Euria's fever hadn't broken at all.
"Isn't there some mint somewhere? You've always lived here, you should know, shouldn't you?"
Izua narrowed his eyes as he watched Euria collapse from exhaustion while I tried to sit him up to clear his stuffy nose. He told me he was going to town to get some because he'd never seen any in the plains, only in the mountains.
I was looking for something strong to infuse that might clear his nose, but I was content with the smell of onion to purify the air around him.
I told Amaiera to look out the door from time to time to see if his brother was alright, but not to come in under any circumstances until I went to get something to make him some herbal tea. I had just remembered that I had some dried thyme left that I could mix with honey for his throat...
"AAH! Mom! Euria threw up on your bed!"
What was funny to me was that...I would have thought I was frantic, brave, dropping everything to run upstairs, while at that very moment I was still crushing the thyme, staring into space...on the verge of tears...wondering if I hadn't been doing something wrong from the start without really knowing what I was getting myself into...
"Mom, come quickly!"
I finally laid the mortar, emerging from my paralysis which had lasted only a moment but had seemed like an eternity of madness.
When I rushed into the room, it stank so much...
It smelled of all the strong things I had forced him to ingest, thinking I was curing him. In the end, he came out with an empty stomach.
"My neck hurts..."
I quickly sent Amaiera away, who wouldn't come near anyway because of the smell.
I opened the window and undressed Euria before taking him with me and carrying him around the house until I found a rag to tie him to.
"Mama..."
He would sometimes call out to me into thin air while I was changing the sheets.
I made sure to get rid of the sheets, again, then asked Amaiera again for help so he could give me some clothes from the trunk in the children's room.
Seeing me outside with Euria on my back, both of us pale as death, he no longer seemed to take the situation as lightly as before.
"He's vomited...I can't carry him, wrap him in a sheet and cover your nose, close your mouth, everything you can..."
He hurried to get a blanket left on the sofa, wrap him up in it, and take him upstairs. I grabbed the pot of boiling water, the bucket of cold water, and the ingredients he had brought me to prepare everything right there, as I couldn't leave him alone any longer.
"You can also go get me some clean sheets and a bucket behind the house so he can vomit in it if necessary."
Izua didn't speak; he let me do it. Having a fragile constitution, I had often suffered from this kind of illness, and my mother, very knowledgeable and fond of attending discussions about modern advancements, knew many things to treat me effectively, even if I knew many of them were ineffective now.
"Mom...my nose..."
"Yes, we'll blow it, but first we'll get you dressed, otherwise you'll be even sicker."
I was sometimes afraid he would faint because he would sometimes roll his eyes from exhaustion. The most important thing was to make him comfortable in a spacious and warm bed...if possible with food available and something warm on his chest. Luckily, he still knew
how to take care of the house as well as I did. You could see his experience in every task he performed, even though he always passed the work on to me. What I found absurd was that he was better than me at everything but never did anything...
"Daddy...I'm cold...very cold..."
"It will pass. Soon you'll wake up in the morning and it will be like before."
"Is that...true...?"
"Yes. I've been sick too. And your mommy too, she's always sick but she keeps it a secret."
"Mommy too...she's sick..."
Izua stared at my hands on Euria's body, dressing her as best I could, focusing me on what I was doing rather than listening to them talk. It wasn't long before Izua moved closer and ran her hand across my burning forehead.
"Go wash your hands with hot water...and touch the ingredients as little as possible if you're cooking for the children...and don't hug them either...and...keep them out of here.
If I need anything, I'll get it and I'll be very careful."
I put my child back in bed, placing my hand on his head, hoping to see a glimmer of hope as his fever broke...
My hand was so cold it trembled on its own, and soon he felt the coolness on him and could finally close his eyes.
I gave him some water to drink as he coughed a lot...
The sound of his full throat made me squint, holding back bad thoughts
I finally fell asleep with my hand in his hair and my lips against his cheek...his warm body cradled mine, which was too cold, and soon a new flame awakened within me as my dream was so terrible that my eyes watered.
I couldn't think because I was too weak and disoriented, but I saw many images of death flashing through my mind: people crying for their children, others crying for their friends bleeding to death...some were falling ill, others were recovering...and amidst all this, memories of my son resurfaced.
It was the first time I hadn't seen the future in a dream, but rather scenes of him tasting salt for the first time, hugging his brother, or laughing as he learned to walk for the first time.
I wanted to tell him I was sorry for being such a bad mother...that I was sorry for not knowing how to do anything...
That we were born of an unhappy union with an incapable mother...
Then these images changed abruptly
This time they were showing me a future that didn't exist. A future where I'm in someone's arms for the first time.
A future where I'm wearing a pretty dress, where my mother is whispering with my father in the front row, a future where I'm the same age as now...but I'm pretty and I have a very big smile.
Lorea is there too, she seems happy and she's holding my hand...
A familiar scent appeared...
A scent I was very fond of and that I've tended to forget these past few years.
It belongs to the one I've always loved, and I must marry him. He's in front of me, running his cool hand over my face, which is burning with excitement.
It's a very beautiful dream, so beautiful that my heart is pounding.
What if my life had been like this? I would never have had to clean... I would never have had to spend winters being cold. I would never have been assaulted, I would never have had to fear my nights, I would never have had to get married at 13... I could have waited until I was 19 and had children later... But if I had had that life... I wouldn't have had Amaiera... I wouldn't have seen Euria fall ill, but I wouldn't have seen her born either I would never have had to be locked in that room at the palace, but I would never have been able to help Sola fall asleep when he cried so hard, then hugged me and made little coos showing he was happy... If I had chosen such a happy life, all the joys and sorrows I experienced in that life would never have happened... and I wouldn't know someone with so many wounds because she learned to suffer; I would know a simple but beautiful girl...
No...no...I don't want such a life after having known mine. I wouldn't go back to being carefree for anything in the world, so I could break at the slightest pain. I prefer to suffer as I am now but remember what I've been through because I don't want to have felt all that for nothing... I am what I am...because everything that makes me who I am belongs to me...
"IZUA! HE'S NOT BREATHING!"