The voice became louder but Lelouch didn't react to it this time. Instead, he contemplated accepting it.
'Perhaps… I should… After all, I do want to live with Nunnally again. I do want to be there for her until the end…'
What kind of brother would he be if he couldn't do just that? Why couldn't he live with Nunnally again? He wronged the world and yet he was given the second chance to be with his loved ones again, was he not? This was fate, wasn't it? Otherwise, he should be dead and gone.
'If so, then maybe I should accept it.' Lelouch looked at his little sister. Nunnally's eyes didn't leave him, always smiling at him. "That… sounds nice…"
Nunnally's smile grew bigger as she surprisingly stood up. The once lame child reached out, offering her hand. "Then say it, Lelouch. Wish for it. You truly want to be with me again, isn't that right, big brother?"
Lelouch looked at her hand, ready to reach out for it. But before he did, another memory surfaced into his mind.
'Have you found a new goal you want to achieve in your life?'
He paused midway from taking her hand.
Nobunaga wanted to know what he wanted. Something Lelouch himself wasn't sure about. If she was just a manifestation of his comatose state, then it was himself asking that very question.
Then, what did he want?
To be together with Nunnally again? To atone for the deaths he'd caused? To be punished for the crimes he committed against the world?
And, if so, why did it feel like he was forsaking something? What was he to lose in this situation?
He would stay with Nunnally. He would return to his friends and loved ones. He'd be doing right by the world this time around…
But at what cost?
Accepting the fact that he'd just been dreaming all this time, internally blaming himself for it all? Did it mean he should just forget about Fuyuki and the Holy Grail War and move on?
'No. I don't want to forget about these memories, I don't want to forget the journey. I want to remember it, I want to continue it, I want to see the end of the war!'
It was just a dream. Accept it.
'No! I want to see how that world ends! How Nobunaga would try to change it! How we can change it. Be it conquest or not. I… I want to live.' His heart yearned for something to change, something to continue. But what his mind wanted conflicted with it. Undaunted, he pushed on. 'I… I want to live my life… not for the sake of others… but for myself!'
Such a simple wish, something every human unknowingly wanted… But for Lelouch, it was different. He who achieved everything he desired at the cost of his own. He who completed his greatest goal but lost the purpose to go on. His meaning of life was tied to his dream for his sister, for the future.
But upon achieving it, there was no more to him. No desire or whatnot. Lelouch's purpose was to live for the sake of his goal, but what if he decided to live for the sake of life itself?
'I said to Kallen on that day. I said it to Suzaku. Both times I meant different things, but deep down I wanted both of them to live on. But why… Why can't I just live on the same as I wanted for them?!'
Hypocritical, it may have been. He didn't deserve it after all. Because of his sins, because he brought death and destruction for the sake of peace, his path of good intentions damned his soul to hell.
But did it mean Lelouch had no right to live? Well, in a moral high ground sense, maybe he didn't. Maybe the world couldn't accept his return after everything he had done. But at the same time…
'When did I allow anyone's desires and goals to stop me?'
Confusion and doubt wavered within his head. The voice whispering to him started to fade away from his mind. Lelouch felt something within him, something he didn't feel since the days of his rebellion. A desire to spit at the world and do as he sees fit.
He eyed his sister's hand. The expression she wore, the earnest smile awaiting him, all of that wavered slightly when he met her gaze.
"Why do you hesitate?" she asked. "Did you not wake up wanting to do this? To return to me?"
"I—…" He didn't finish his answer.
Seeing his sister again… it was something on his mind. Always has been. But… it wasn't all that he wanted.
The image of a woman's smile appeared on his mind. That redhead's smile, teasing as it was honest and warm, oh… It pained him to think of disappointing her. It pained him to know that choosing wrongly would tear that smile away.
All that'd be left was the flame of vengeance, trapping the young woman within in an endless cycle of hate and unfulfillment.
Nunnally's smile persisted back into view as she approached. Once, it might've been all he ever wanted. But not anymore.
If he returned, it wouldn't be anything but turning back the clock. Returning to live a lie, Lelouch would have to force himself into hiding yet again. He'd lied long enough for the good of many. He was tired of playing that role. The mask of Zero now belonged to Suzaku. Lelouch had no intention of relieving the burden… the punishment his old friend took upon himself.
They… the both of them… had to pay for their sins one way or another.
He remembered the sacrifice of one man who wanted to see his niece happy. And though Kariya could never give the child… the family he cared about the life they deserve with his own hands, he'd happily accept death as atonement if it would give Sakura a chance at least.
That was his cross to bear for ruining everything beforehand, or so the man selflessly declared.
'Didn't I resolve myself do the same? Didn't I choose to die so they would all live in peace?'
Another memory was an old worm who was once a benevolent human. There was once a young Zouken who wanted to help and save others. But continuous failures and the march of time corrupted him, breaking him and turning his soul into the worm in the pit.
A monster that couldn't let go of his old goal but lost it in the search of the means to continue working toward it.
'Would I become like that if I choose to return? If I continue living for the sake of Nunnally and the others, what then do I do if I lose them again?' The old him would've sworn to do all he could to never lose them. Not him of today. The one who'd come to accept his mortality. His finite existence. 'No… Their wellbeing is no longer my goal… That's right. I no longer desire to live for their sakes alone! I have done my part! I have already killed many and destroyed the world for them!'
Once was enough. To do so again, after everything that'd happened, he'd be nothing but a zombie devoting himself to the same means… A metaphorical return to his old life… before he met that witch…
'I want to live… I want… to return to that world. To live in it, to learn more about it, to see our goal's through. Not to mention, I made a promise to her, didn't I? I… I made a contract.'
He'd already fulfilled his with the witch here. Well, that's not entirely true. He reformed their contract to something more… Something that would benefit not just her, but the whole planet. A selfish act for the sake of selfish reasons.
Even the immortal woman would seethe in anger knowing he'd toyed with her heart only to return like death was nothing. She'd scold him for the follies of his actions, the recklessness of his act, maybe even curse him for the last goodbye he'd turned into a small lie with his return.
'Ah, even now… to remember her most of all,' It was damning to think how the opinions of such a flaky woman would affect him so. He could practically hear her scolding him now. 'Isn't that right, C.C.? No… your name is—'
"—was heartbroken after your death!" Lelouch's heart froze over, hearing Nunnally's words. "She, the most out of all of us, wanted you to come back!"
The fact that she was speaking as he was lost in thought only just came to him. But it wasn't her implications that rooted him to the spot. No.
It was the fact that she uttered that name. Her name.
"Nunnally…" his gaze narrowed upon the child who looked down at him like a deer caught in the headlights. "Just now… what did you just say?"
"What are you saying? Lelouch?" She froze. For the briefest of moments, her expression lost its warmth. "I was just saying that we all missed—!"
"No. Not that." Lelouch flatly stared back. "C.C.'s name… Where… where did you learn of it?"
That woman… she wouldn't have told anyone. Not when her past weighed on her heart. Only he, the one who heard her carelessly mumbling it in her sleep, a brief moment of weakness on C.C's part, knew.
Such was a secret meant only for them. And yet, "How did you learn of her true name? Even to the end, she never let it be said aloud?"
As the girl stood before him wavered in silence, Lelouch stared at her down. It was then that he noticed the holes in her tale.
Schneizel and Cornelia.
It was impossible for them to miss Lelouch. Though they had been siblings for a time, for the crimes Lelouch committed as Emperor, for the death of Euphemia, there was no way in hell either would want him back. More so Schneizel, considering he was acting on the Geass to 'serve Zero', not Lelouch vi Britannia.
The truth of the Geass Order.
There was no conceivable way for Nunnally to have learned about the end that befell V.V or the Order. Even if she had heard about Geass from their older brother and Cornelia, the ones who knew the full truth, Suzaku and C.C. both, wouldn't ever divulge anything about them at all.
'Not since we took the vow of silence. And,' Lelouch grimaced slightly at the memory. 'Not especially after we vowed to destroy anything that would threaten the future peace of the world…'
C.C. wouldn't go against that vow. Suzaku, more so. Choosing to act as the shadow to Nunnally's light, there was no way his old friend and once greatest enemy would choose to backtrack after all they'd been through.
This, partnered with the fact that Nunnally mentioned things she shouldn't know, had Lelouch getting to his feet and backing away from her. It was only when he'd given what should've been his sister some distance that Lelouch started to recall her words and considered them.
It all sounded… wrong.
For some reason, everything she said to him felt… unreal. It was all… too good to be true. The voice in his head, an anomaly now that he thought about it, was also just as overly soothing.
It didn't take long before he came to several conclusions already. One of them specifically noted that another could be inside his head already.
'Despicable!' his face couldn't help but contort with rage as he glared at the one before him. 'To think they'd even use Nunnally against me—' For the first time in a while, his emotions flared. Not with simple hate, no. This burned far more than that.
"B-big broth—?"
"Who are you?" The boy demanded in a tone as frigid as ice.
"What—What are you talking about?! I'm your little sis—"
"SHUT UP!" The girl recoiled in shock, letting out a gasp when he slapped her hand away.
"Le-Lelouch?" meekly, she stared back at him. Eyes tearing up, her visage haunted him. But it did little to appease his temper.
It was difficult, but not impossible. Just the thought of Nunnally's image being besmirched had him enraged already. However, cooler heads should prevail, lest the imposter control his mind further.